


Close.

by Accio_Finn_Nelson7



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drug Use, Gangs, Multi, Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-06-08 04:42:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 46
Words: 127,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6839473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Accio_Finn_Nelson7/pseuds/Accio_Finn_Nelson7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the year 2016, Rae is in her 20s and not long been released from Stamford General... A whole year after being hospitalized. By chance, she bumps into her childhood friend Chloe; but she is a different kettle of fish. Chloe is still that wild child, as it reflects on the group she hangs around with... Including the leader; Finn Nelson. Also known as Stamford's own, straight Reggie Kray. He's beautiful, but holds many-a-dark secret. His demons hide behind beautiful, brown eyes and a suit jacket. What happens when doe-eyed, naive meets this devilishly, handsome...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was a strange feeling, knowing she had only been free of the ward a few hours and was now threw into this big, wide world. She felt like a criminal, she felt alive. As the thump of the crappy pop tune and conversation vibrated through the floor and into her bones, she scoped her surroundings. Although a bigger girl and taller than average; her presence went unnoticed - everybody either too drunk or too engrossed in their own conversations. 

She followed her petite friend, weaving in and out of the crowd; heading towards a table in the corner that was occupied by two - a boy with glasses and a pixie looking girl. The stale smell of cigarettes and alcohol surrounded her. The noise levels were a thunderous contrast compared to the quiet, serenity of the ward. Her friend went on about herself to the group, explaining the reason why she was late. She felt like a lemon and awkwardly glanced around, waiting. The back of her neck burned, the paranoia of somebody watching her settling in. But, if she had the nerve to turn and actually look then she would see that it was not paranoia and there were in fact a pair of eyes burning into her. 

He watched her every move as he stood at the bar, his intense gaze not leaving her. Not even to glance at his friend who told him that he was rejoining their group of friends. Every time she inhaled and exhaled he could hear it, feel it. He watched as her eyes innocently wandered around, surveying her surroundings in curious awe. Which made him curious, had she never been to a pub before? Her eyes shone as introductions were passed and he stayed put. He wasn’t sure what drew him to her, it was possibly due to the fact that she was an outsider. He didn’t do well with outsiders. Now, he did not mind making new friends or in fact people - in fact people watching was one of his favourite hobbies - But he did not like his circle growing. He had friends at work, childhood friends, friends from the darker corners of his past but he did not like additions to his group as his group was his group. It took him a while to even take to the pretty little brunette who was now a member. He grimaced as she was now also the person that had the nerve to drag in behind her the tall, doe eyed stranger. He didn’t like the thought of another person knowing his business, knowing where he hung out and he knew that pretty little brunette would soon fill her friend’s head with all kinds of made up information that she had heard through hear say. That wasn’t him, not anymore. 

Although he remained still, he felt his chest tighten. She had glanced briefly over her shoulder before glancing again, double checking that he was in fact staring at her. He knew what would happen next, and just as she turned to ask her friend who he was; he made his way over and took a place opposite her and beside his boisterous, fiery red head friend. He felt a wave of relief wash over him as he realised he had intervened the pretty one from explaining who he was to the stranger. Although she would eventually have her way and fill her friend’s head with shite, it was nice to know he would get one night of a clean slate with a person. He would get one night free of nervous glances and timid words towards him.   
He took a sip of his pint and avoided her wandering eyes, a sudden awkwardness now overcame him. It wasn’t until a introduction was made did he then look at her.

“Finn, this is my friend Rae.”  
————————————————————————————————————————  
She was alright this Mae or Rae or whatever her name was. She was quiet at first and her eyes always seemed to wander to him but would always dart to somewhere else when she’d see he too was staring at her. A pretty, round face with pale-ivory like skin, her legs were slender and long. Although she was a bigger girl, it did not bother him. He knew that sounded shallow, even in his own head, but lads his age and in this area weren’t particularly friendly to girls bigger than a size ten. It was a shame really as they were always prettier, funnier and a walking party. 

He couldn’t help but watch her. He liked picking up people’s quirks and mannerisms. He liked to see what kind of person they were behind their front as everybody put up a front. Everybody was different around people than when they were alone. Rae was nervous, behind a confident front made up of jokes and a foul mouth; Rae was a very anxious and insecure person. Just by the way she picked at her nails and look around to see if anybody was looking when she laughed a little too loudly, her front was the easiest to pick up Finn found. From his many years of watching a person, picking them a part bit by bit, did he find the insecure the easiest to scope out. The quiet being the ones he struggled with - he’d be a nightmare to try and unravel. 

The more alcohol she consumed, the more she relaxed. She fitted right in and was nothing like Chloe, the pretty brunette, described her. Before Chloe went to fetch her friend she explained about her being fragile and something or other - he wasn’t listening - She did it in the false act of “Noble friend” And Finn saw right through it, it was a sneaky, little plan she had attempted so they would be put off into inviting this Rae girl out again and so that there was not another girl within the group; taking the limelight off Chloe. But it had failed miserably as the group took to Rae almost instantly and there was not another word from Chloe.

The party of six decided to draw the night to a close as the bell of “Last orders” Rang out. They spilled drunkenly out onto the cold, Stamford streets. The ghost of rain glowed underneath the dim streetlights and the bitter winds nipped at their noses. It wouldn’t be a night to the pub without finishing it in their local chippy. On the journey four out of the six began to drunkenly screech the words of a currently popular song, at least that’s what Finn and Rae could make out. The two had fallen to the back of the group. He pulled out a cigarette and offered her one in which she politely declined, he found it strange. He wasn’t sure why but she seemed like a smoker, in a way he was quite happy that she didn’t. He didn’t liked girls who smoked. He sent her a sly smile before quipping,

“You can’t be in my gang if you don’t smoke.”

“Maybe I don’t wanna be in your gang.”

He took a moment, did she just flirt? He looked at her, her drunken lazy smile was an indicator that she did in fact flirt. He itched to reciprocate but remained silent and just lit his nicotine. Finn didn’t do flirting, well, not in front of company anyway. Although not as drunk as the others alcohol still flowed through his veins and his hormones were sensitive; and if it were just him and Rae then not only would he flirt but he’d take her back to his place and have his way - well that’s what he would usually do regardless of the fact she was a stranger. Well, the strangers were easier as there’d be no emotional attachment to follow. As the choir ahead strolled inside the chippy, as did Rae, Finn took place beside a lamppost and watched. He felt a frown upon his brow as he watched their contact. Rae and Archie were sat next to one another and Finn didn’t like it. He felt his ears burn with annoyance at their glances, their touches and laughter. He would’ve threw his cigarette down and stormed in, wedging himself inbetween the two in the empty seat but Finn was never one for wasting a cigarette.

He waited for Chloe, Chop and Izzy to grab their orders and settle before he strolled in; begrudgingly taking a seat in between Chloe and Izzy - Who sat opposite of Chop, Archie and Rae. Finn felt a little annoyed that Chop had taken what was supposed to be his seat in between Rae and Archie . As he approached the table he caught the following words, “There is only one person fitter than them both,” Archie scoffed, pushing his glasses up his nose, “Bollocks, who?” Chop’s eyes glanced from Finn to Archie before jokingly quipping, “Finn’s mum,” He then winced as Finn kicked him under the table, Chop then sulked as he tucked into his fish dinner. 

Although Chop was the loudest and now remained quiet as he had a face on; like a child, conversation and laughter still flowed easily. Chop eventually joined in and the laughter increased. As time grew on Finn grew more impatient; he wanted his bed as he was up early. He pulled out his car keys and rose out of his seat, 

“Right, I’m gonna go grab me car from the pub. Anyone need a lift?” His offered was aimed towards Rae but was took up by Archie, Izzy and Chop. He then raised his eyebrows at Rae, who shook her head, “No, ta. I only live round the corner,” As the gang left the chippy and Chop, Izzy and Archie talked to Chloe Finn pulled Rae aside and asked if she was sure, his questioning now a little more forceful. He didn’t want her wandering round the streets so late and on her own, although Stamford was a quiet and boring little town it was no place for a young woman to be wandering around at this time, “Honestly, Finn, it’s fine and anyway Chloe will be with me as she only lives round the corner from me,” He glanced towards Chloe, who was now sober and had a face like a slapped arse, before turning back to Rae and sighing, “Alright, well make sure you get in safe,” She sent him a timid smile of thanks before she was joined by her moody friend, as the two departed Finn watched them disappear into the darkness; a feel of unease settling into his stomach. He didn’t like the momentary loss of control, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if something were to happen. A hand clamped his shoulder and he was met by the glossy eyes of Chop who wined, “Hurry up, Finn, am freezing,” Shrugging his friend’s hand off he then huffed, “Alright, just don’t be sick on the seats as I’ve just had it cleaned.”


	2. Chapter 2

Rae winced before clamping her eyes shut once more. She reopened them and let out a groan; her stomach in knots and last night’s alcohol lingering with a nasty aftertaste on her mouth. She grabbed the stale pint glass of water and sipped at it; downing it was a no go. She was supposed to have drank it _before_ she had fallen into a drunken sleep to prevent the hangover, but as it was too late she sucked it up and drank it. The gloomy glow of the grey, ominous sky was faint behind her curtains and it increased the hangover. Almost instantly after swallowing the remaining dregs of water did her mouth go dry again. After a few attempts to sitting up, her stomach settled and she slowly climbed out of bed; in pursuit of water.

“Oh, here’s the walking dead! Morning, love!” Her mother’s annoyingly chirpy tone made Rae wince, Linda’s eager and smug smile was her way of saying “Told you not to drink.”

Rae frowned and she had now noticed an also smug Chloe, a green bomber and denim skinny jeans that were tight on her long and skinny legs, tea in hand and freshness upon her face. Of course, the great Chloe Harris was fresh - and she even drank more than Rae! There was no surprise. But through the make up and fresh clothing could Rae see the tired eyes and nausea; just Chloe would never admit it. Not if it meant one upping Rae. “What you doing here?” She didn’t care how rude she sounded, she wanted her bed and water when she was hungover; not snide remarks or a condescending Chloe sat in her kitchen. “You must be hungover,” She let out a giggle before continuing, refreshing her friend’s memory, “You invited me to come help you get your old job back…. You asked me last night,” Rae frowned before her face fell. She had indeed asked her, in her drunken and loved up state. It was followed by bear hugs and multiple _“I love you, Chloe, best mates forever.”_

When she was a child, her and her dad used to go to Town Records every Saturday. It was when Linda and he had split up; an agreement that he only got to see Rae every Saturday. As it was the 21st century records were rarely bought and as the shop was continually quiet they formed a bond with owner Mark, and once Rae hit sixteen she took a job there - working along side Mark’s son Rob. But due to Rae’s breakdown just last year; she had to quit and took sanctuary in the hospital. Although her mum insisted a day after her release was far too early for Rae to be getting back out there; she had gone against her warnings. Rae didn’t want to sit around, waiting for the day it be seen as “Normal” To go and find work. She had to just do it, plus Linda only wanted her around to tidy up and so she could nag at her. Before Linda or Chloe could start with the first sarcastic comment of the day; Rae simply turned and left - not confirming or denying whether she was going. Well, of course she would be going as she was desperate to return to the shop, it was her happy place as when life would turn to shit she would bury her head into the records. It was the perfect job, working with people who knew her and were patient with her issues. Music at her fingertips and as it was always so quiet; she didn’t have to worry about any of her nosy neighbors or old friends wandering in and asking where she disappeared to and why. She took her time getting ready. The sickness in her stomach forced her to lie down when she returned from her shower. After several attempts of sitting up did she then get dressed. A usual job of twenty minutes took to just touching on well over an hour. She was never drinking again.

————————————————————————————————————————————

Even though the bruised coloured clouds swallowed the sun; the high street was still lively. Mothers dragged their kids; cheap pastry flakes down the front of their little clothes. Teenage girls giggled and wandered aimlessly. An old couple sat on a rusty, metal bench outside of the Sayers.

Rae hadn’t realized how much of an effect being stuck inside the same building for just under twelve months actually had. Although they were allowed out of the ward and into the gardens; it was nothing like the busy high-street before Rae. Usually she was just used to the nurses, ward manager and the others. She hadn’t thought this through and a surge of panic wormed it’s way through her system. Maybe she was rushing into things, maybe it was too early to come back.

But she needn’t worry any longer as she was soon off the high-street and inside the safety of the record shop. It was a lot darker than she remembered, it wasn’t the vibrant, colourful place she once knew. Some of the records and CDs even collected dust. It was almost as if when she left; she took the sunshine with her. She couldn’t wait to sprinkle ‘Rae’ Back over it. Chloe snarled, whispering, “God, they’ve let it go.” Rae felt a little hurt at Chloe’s words, although the truth Rae still didn’t want to hear it. They had indeed let it go but it wasn’t completely lost, not to Rae. She still saw the potential. The magic was still there, it was just buried under damp and dust. Rob, a handsome thirty-something man, made his way out the back and stopped, a smile spilled out from his lips and reached his eyes, “Rae? Oh my God, Rae,” He moved from behind the counter, striding over to her and engulfing her into a bear hug. Now it was Chloe’s turn to feel like a lemon. As the two pulled away he sent Chloe a tight lipped smile and she returned it with a forced greeting; the pair never took a liking towards each other and in Rae’s absence it had appeared to have grew worse. “Wha-what are you doing back? Your mum told me what happened, how are you now? Sorry I didn’t visit it’s just I’ve been so busy trying to keep this place going,” He blurted out, his words tripping over each other.

She sent him an easy smile, “Don’t worry, but that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, I need my job back well if you’ll have me,” He replicated her smile, his more with joy than ease at the news of her returning. After him telling her she’s more than welcome to come back; Chloe intervened with her input of how much he’d let the shop go. Unable to listen to her ignorant comments, Rae turned her gaze to outside and it landed on a familiar figure. His back was turned to her as he stood in front of the entrance of an alleyway. Grey jogging bottoms, matching grey sweatshirt and a heavy gym bag flung over his shoulder was his attire, over his shoulder she could see another lad she recognized as Kendo. She never knew he knew Finn. She frowned as she noted of how deep the conversation looked. The men’s eyes glanced around before Kendo passed Finn a brown, thick envelope. The two departed and as Finn tucked it away he caught her glance, her cheeks burned and just as she went to turn away he sent her a wink and a little smirk before disappearing out of sight,

“Was that Finn?” Rae turned to her puzzled friend who was currently stood in front of a sale rack, she nodded, “Yeah, was just stood talking to Kendo. The conversation looked a bit moody,” Chloe scoffed before returning to the records, flicking through, “That don’t surprise me, the two most dangerous men in Stamford talking together together will have bound to have been moody.” Rae moved around the opposite side of the rail that was placed in the middle of the shop which Chloe was stood at, she knew of Kendo and his history but Finn? Dangerous? Was she hearing right? The lad who was quiet and had kindly persisted he take her home last night, telling her to get home safe was dangerous… No, lads who were dangerous were… Well, Kendo. Tattoos and a rough demeanor, a walking modern aged Devil, not kind eyes and a soft voice. Upon her friend’s clueless yet intrigued stare a smirk appeared upon Chloe’s lips, “You don’t know about Finn, do you?” She scoffed before returning to the records, “Count yourself lucky, took me two months to take to him,” Rae wanted to know more but at the same time she didn’t, but she just had to ask, “Finn? The lad who barely spoke a word and told me to make sure I get home safe that same Finn?” “The very same.” Rae’s brow knitted in disbelief and confusion, as much as Rae would have liked it being Chloe dramatizing the whole thing it clicked in Rae’s mind; she thought back to in the pub and she just thought everyone’s nervous glances towards her table were because her mum had gone against her wishes and told everyone about her breakdown and they were all just on edge, scared in case she had another in front of them when in fact the stares were directed at Finn - and it was the same in the chippy. Plus being friend’s with Kendo didn’t exactly give him the best defense. “Nah, I don’t believe ya. You’ve either got it wrong or it was somebody who he _was_ as nobody who’s dangerous offers a stranger a lift they’re the ones who lurk in the dark corners and attack the girls who turn down the lifts from _kind_ people,” Chloe rolled her eyes at the naivety in her friend’s words before shrugging her shoulders, speaking in her oh-so irritatingly matter-of-fact tone, “Yeah well am just saying once you build up such a reputation it sticks,” Rae then bit back, “Well if he’s so dangerous then why do you hang round with him?” Chloe folded her arms, huffing, “Cause he’s Izzy’s mate and well, he’s quite fit,” She then waved a hand at Rae, brushing any further questions away, “Anyway, enough of all this talk. It’s boring me, what do you fancy doing now?” “To be honest, Chlo, I just wanna go home as I still feel like shit,” Chloe let out another huff.

Rae bid her goodbyes to Rob, which he called out his own from the back and that he’d see her tomorrow. As they exited the shop, they shared an embrace before pulling away, “Right, well send us a text when you’re in and I’ll see you through the week,” Rae felt relief wash over her as the two departed. She could almost smell her room and the packet of biscuits she had eyed in the cupboard, those and a cup of tea.

————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Hello?” Finn called out, his neck craned around Chop’s flat to see it was empty. Chop called out to say that they were in the kitchen. He dropped his gym bag and walked through to the source of the boisterous noise, his work mate Mitch, Archie and Chop were playing a game of poker. The kitchen was dingy and damp, with just a sink, a table and chairs, a fridge and a cooker - obviously with the side counters and drawers. It matched Chop’s garage salary. Finn took up the empty seat and was poured a whiskey, ignoring the fact it was three in the afternoon. Cards were dealt and the new game of poker began.

“So, what do we think of Chloe’s mate then, boys?” Chop asked, a cigarette dangling from his lips. He looked between Archie and Finn as he took the cigarette out of his mouth and flicked the head into the ashtray. Finn just shrugged and simply stated, “Think she’s alright me,” Archie looked at him, frowning, “Do you reckon? I thought she was a bit weird me self,” “Er that weren’t what you was saying last night, mate, you were all over her,” Chop playfully teased. Archie smacked his mate, “Fuck off, I weren’t. I was just being nice,” “I’m only messing with ya, pal, but I thought she were sound me. She’s quite pretty for a big girl ain’t she,”

Archie nodded in agreement as where Finn held his tongue, he tensed in fear of them commenting anything else about her. Why did his mates always have to comment on a girls size? It was times like this that he couldn’t over look his friends shallow behaviour. It irritated him, he just wanted to crack on with the game. He felt kind of sorry for Rae, especially as she wasn’t there to defend herself, how would they feel if they were new to a group? They’d behave weirdly too. Finn found himself chewing on his thumb nail as his friends talked about whether they would shag a bigger girl. He could feel his temper beginning to rise,

“Will one of you play the fucking game?” He snapped. Chop, Mitch and Archie stopped their conversation and looked at their friend before Chop bit back, “What’s wrong with you, you fucking crank?” “You’re taking the piss and it’s your turn,” Finn stated before fidgeting uncomfortably under their stare. Chop scoffed before shaking his head, eyes widening at his friend’s sudden outburst but he did as he was told.


	3. Chapter 3

“So, this is exciting isn’t it? Your first day back at work,” Linda beamed a little too eagerly for Rae’s liking. Another dreary day matched Rae’s dreary mood as the hangover still lingered like a bad smell. “I know what you’re thinking but you need to stop worrying, mum, I’m fine and Kester thinks it’s a good idea,” “Well, Kester’s not your mum,” Rae rolled her eyes and fell to a silence, biting back a snappy response. Snappiness would alert her mum and show her nervousness, she had to prove that she was ok. Linda softened, as did her words, “I just don’t want it happen again, that’s all.” Rae said nothing and continued the drive in silence. As the car came to a halt in the car park outside the Aldi, Rae then said, “Thanks, and listen I might be home a little late tonight as I think Chloe’s going the pub and I might pop in and say hello,” Well, she presumed Chloe would be at the pub as she hadn’t responded to Rae’s messages, asking where her whereabouts would be. Rae kissed her mum on the cheek before climbing out the Fiat, ignoring her mum’s “Love you,” She didn’t need the emotional shite.

Rae swiftly moved down the alleyway on the right of the supermarket, it leading out onto the high street. As it was just touching on eight; it was deserted. As the bell dinged above Rae Rob popped up from the front desk, a white and bright smile appearing. She made her way over and they exchanged a greeting, he clapped his hands together; rubbing them, “Right, ok, well do you wanna come through to the back? I’ll show you where we keep the stock and where your uniform is,” As he went to exit, Rae stuttered and her face grew pale, “Uni-uniform?” He breathed a laugh, “Well, yeah, it’s only a t-shirt but it’s gotta be worn, dad’s orders,” She nodded and said nothing further, following him towards the stock room. Well, if you could call it a room - it was more a shoe box. It was a mess too, cold and damp with moss and cobwebs. It smelt like what Rae could only describe as mothballs and mildew, it smelt very similar to how her nana smelt when she had been dead for three days. As Rob rummaged through boxes, some of CDs and others of black t-shirts, Rae’s panic grew quicker. The embarrassment of him asking for her size and having to fish her out a XL t shirt made her skin itch, but he said nothing and just pulled out a t-shirt; handing her it with a smile. He was ridiculously happy considering the sun hadn’t even made an appearance, that was the only thing Rae hated about winter; the fact it took forever and a day for the sun to appear of a morning. He left her to get changed, she flicked on the light and shut the door behind her. Apart from the little moment of panic; the happiness of being back at work over took and although the hangover was still hanging around - she could not wait to return back to the pub to celebrate returning to her job. Well, as they say the cure to a hangover was the hair of the dog.

———————————————————————————————————————————

The day was slow moving but it eventually came to an end and it was closing time. Not bothered about being in her uniform, two of the same in her backpack, Rae made hast to the pub. She kind of liked her t-shirt, it went well with her leather jacket and black jeans; if it weren’t for the shops logo on the front then she would consider putting it in her wardrobe as something she’d wear outside of work. She hadn’t checked her phone since that morning and pulled it out of her pocket, in hope that Chloe had text her back but was disappointed at the blank screen.

It was strange that instead of her usual Monday routine of listening to the radio with her little companion Tix, a friend on the ward, whilst eating jam on toast before wandering around the grounds with their other friend Danny “Two Hats” Was now replaced by her leaving work and going to join her new friends at the pub. The walk to The Vaults was only short and soon the familiar stale smoke and alcoholic smell was up Rae’s nose. As she scoped the pub her eyes landed on the familiar table, a bittersweet feeling overcame her. She was happy that she wouldn’t look like a total tool if she had turned up empty handed in her search and she could now join them but she was a little disheartened that they hadn’t invited her.

“Rae?” Chloe had now wandered out of the toilets, rubbing her nose before her face fell at the sight of Rae, her plan of avoiding her had failed, “Wha… What are you doing here?” She attempted somewhat of a smile but it soon faltered and her face turned sour at the realization that the attention would now be on somebody else other than her. Rae shrugged, “I’ve just finished work and thought I’d pop in,” She walked forward, almost reaching the table before Chloe pulled her back, “I was gonna text you back but my phone’s been knackered,” Rae said nothing, her silence was enough for Chloe to take the hint and the two moved over to the table.

The gang smiled and greeted Rae, Chop then rose and asked, “Do you want a drink, Rae?” She shook her head, “Don’t, I mean if anything I owe you one. What are you drinking?” He went to protest but she insisted, whilst this went on Rae’s ears picked up the hushed conversation between Finn and Chloe,

“Nice one for that, Finn.”

“Was it alright, yeah?"

And Rae knew from previous experience with her brother and how he used to speak to his mates/punters, that, that was just enough proof that Finn in fact was another drug dealing Kendo - he was just more quiet about it. Rae felt an instant disgust at the words being exchanged. Once she took Chop’s order she made her way to the crowded bar. Finn watched her and felt his jaw clench just a little too tightly when a man brushed past her from behind just a little too closely. He settled once she returned.

As conversation flowed it was not until someone brought up music did Rae then have an opinion, "I don’t listen to this Justin Bieber and One Direction bollocks, it’s all about the classics for me. Led Zepplin, David Bowie, Stone Roses, that sort of thing,” Finn inwardly smiled at this over his pint, taking the words out of his mouth Archie chimed, “Ah, the girl knows her music does she!” The two shared a shy and playful giggle. Chloe watched the interaction before intervening, “Rae, you’re still coming to my party on Saturday right?” “Am I invited?” Chloe then smiled, looking back at everyone as if to say _what is she like! “_ Course you are, silly moo!" Rae did not fall for it, not for a second. Chloe was putting up that "Best friend” Front up, when it was just a cover up for the trap she was setting.

She had purposely not told Rae that the party was going to be a pool party and as she knew how deeply insecure Rae was, she knew once Rae learnt that it was a pool party that Rae would not turn up and she could have all of the attention on her once more. She could’ve kissed Izzy when the little firecracker piped up, “Tell everyone!” Chloe smiled, pretending to be shy but smug with lassoing the spotlight onto herself once more, “Alright…” She rose out of her seat and thus began her announcement, “Alright, everyone listen up as you all know I am proper excited about moving into my new house so I am delight to say that my party on Saturday will be my first ever _pool party,_ ”

She spoke those two words with directed eye contact with Rae. The warm feeling of smugness pooled at the pit of her stomach as she watched Rae’s face fall. She then flashed a grin at Rae, who looked at her helplessly; the colour drained from her face. Throughout the cheers, Finn and Rae remained silent. Finn felt annoyed at the fact that Chloe had, once again, made the situation about her. It was supposed to be about Izzy, and yet somehow Chloe had waved her wand and all eyes were on her. How conceited could one person actually be… His eyes then fell to Rae who was currently downing her drink in one, even earning some woops and chants of encouragement from Chop. Rae didn’t care that she would have to go to work with yet another hangover; the nightmare of her having to wear a swimsuit now weighed heavily on her chest. If having to pick out a t shirt in an XL size in front of one person made her feel the way it did; then she dread to think how she would be in a swimsuit… In front of a party. Maybe she could wear clothes and say that she didn’t feel like a swim, although she so desperately wanted to seem normal in front of her new little crew; she just couldn’t wear a swimsuit. She just couldn’t. There was a time as a child when Rae refused to wear anything but a swimsuit and as the years and pounds piled on and the crippling embarrassment she felt for herself; she refused to wear anything less than jeans and a t-shirt.

“Do you have to behave like such a man?”

Finn’s ears pricked up at the conversation between Chloe and Rae. He glanced briefly from his rolling papers to the two girls and then back to his papers, it may have only been a brief glance but it was enough to catch the embarrassed look Rae now showed. After Rae quietly asked what she had done and Chloe reminded her that men found it unattractive when girls drank in such a manish way did Finn grow irritated. He found it disgusting that Chloe spoke to her friend in such a way, how did she know what men found attractive? Just because she slept with a number of them didn’t give her a superior knowledge. He grew anxious that he couldn’t say anything, one it wasn’t his place and two, he didn’t want them to know he had eavesdropped. He never saw the attraction with Chloe, yes she was beautiful in the way that he’d find she’d be useful if he was bored and needed somebody to play with - but what good was a juicy-looking apple if it had a rotten core? He finished placing the correct amount of tobacco into the paper, flicking away the excess bits of backy from his fingers. As he rolled it he looked up at Rae, she frowned at him before snapping a “What?” He wanted to tell her what a piece of shit her friend was, but he just simply asked if she wanted another drink as he was going the bar - bearing a mind he still had a full pint in front of him.


	4. Chapter 4

Rae avoided the gang for the week. She even ignored Chloe’s continuous texts about whether Rae was still coming on Saturday. Of course she would still be going as she would feel rude not turning up to her new friend’s birthday; she had even bought her a card. Before she could grasp the week; Saturday rolled around. She decided that she wasn’t going to swim and instead mix with the people who weren’t; taking different kind of spirits as nobody questioned you if you bought free booze. She decided to dress nice, for a change. A white loose blouse with black, tight fitting jeans and some nice flats. Of course it wouldn’t be a Rae outfit without her leather jacket and back pack. She even curled her hair and threw on a little mascara and lip gloss.

She decided to get there a little earlier than the given time; as she was going to walk she wanted to beat the dark. The ten minute journey was made in five as Rae practically ran, her paranoia due to being in an unknown area pushed her to walk quicker than usual. She hadn’t even made it onto the street properly before she could hear the loud bass of the music, she relaxed at the noise - missing the fact that Chloe had purposely told her to come later. The overly tall red bricked house was surrounded by a large, solid wooden fence; swallowing it out of view and sight.

Rae looked through her texts before typing in the code on the silver box, it let out a loud noise followed by the electric, wooden gate sliding open slowly. Rae stared in awe at the sight before her. She walked onto the gravel drive, the little stones crunching beneath her feet - Rae had always wanted a gravel drive. The front door was already open and a cheesy pop tune, along with loud and drunken conversation, snaked out from inside. She weaved in and out of the cars on the crowded driveway; she felt like the only person who couldn’t drive.

She moved to inside, dodging a few passerbys who crowded the hallway. She asked one of the girls she recognised from school, all piercings and blue hair, where Chloe was and was told she was at the pool. She pushed further through the crowd, they must have all been there from early in the afternoon as the house could barely contain the intoxicated adults. As she passed on through she was greeted by the odd few friends, a couple of her younger neighbors and some of her brother’s mates. She reached the kitchen and went through the sliding glass doors - instead of an inside garage was the swimming pool. Equipped with an indoor barbecue, endless chairs, pool bar and it even had a flat screen on of the walls which currently blared out the terrible tunes.

The pool was occupied by the gang and a few others, some from school and some she didn’t recognise. She scoped him out as soon as her foot stepped into the heated room. He was sat in a corner, playing bartender and in deep conversation with a pretty blonde. He wore nothing but blue trunks; noticing this is the first time she had saw his shirtless and coat less body did she notice the ink. On the outer of his left forearm, just above the wrist, was a long and thin cross, on the same side but now on the actual wrist was a tiny little lock and next to it was a little but finely detailed sparrow. She couldn’t quite see the rest that were laced around his arm. It wasn’t so much a sleeve as the rest were all spaced apart and in random places, the one that attracted her the most was the large, finely detailed birdcage on his left side; it was long as it was wide - what odd tattoos he had.

She felt a little uneasy at the girl’s and his friendly contact. Once his eyes latched onto Rae did his face then fall but a twinkle glistened in his eyes. He licked his lips before dragging the bottom half between his teeth, the blonde’s eyes followed his before she quickly turned back and asked him something; pulling him out of his lustful stare he nodded as his eyes glanced from her to Rae before back to the blonde. Rae took a seat on the cushioned bench, shedding her jacket. Chloe swam over and greeted her, a little surprised that Rae had showed earlier than what she had told her. Once Chloe rejoined Izzy, Rae grabbed a plastic cup from the end table on her right; examining it. Seeing it was clean did she pour herself a drink of vodka and coke. She sunk into the seat and her eyes fell back onto him, her cheeks burned once again at seeing he was staring at her. A smirk was now apparent on his lips as he raised his plastic cup at her, a little nod followed. She replicated his little gesture and the two took a sip from their cups; he returned to his conversation and she returned to surveying the area.

———————————————————————————————————————————

As it had grew dark outside the pool lights had been switched on and the number in party goers had increased. Although he hadn’t moved from his spot; he couldn’t keep his eyes off her. As she had barely ate through the week the little drink she had done herself made her feel more buzzed than usual. As Rae talked to Archie did Finn then make his way over, Archie quickly rose and excused him; in search of another drink - but Rae knew that it was because Finn had come over. Who was Archie to refuse Finn a seat. As Finn took up the vacant place he rested his elbow on Rae’s thigh as he sat forward with his other elbow rested on his own knee, ignoring that she had grew tense. Despite the fact her tensing wounded him a little; the small contact between her thigh and his elbow relaxed him. It relaxed him because she was now under his watch and nothing bad could happen if she was under his watch - he wasn’t so sure what kind of bad could happen as she was a sensible girl but it didn’t hurt to be careful. The two sat for a moment without saying a word, both glancing around.

He was the first to break the ice, he asked, “So, do you wanna tell me why you’ve been avoiding me?” The question threw her and as did his ways of being so upfront; the question took her off balance and she barely had time to stutter up a denial. She shook her head, her words were somewhat of an attempt of reassurance but the tetchy tone convinced him to believe otherwise, “It wasn’t you, it’s just been this stupid party. I can’t swim and I was scared in case Chloe was gonna make me,”

Although the last part was a cover up for her insecurities, it wasn’t a complete lie as she couldn’t swim. He then stated but grew more awkward this time; he played with his cup and avoided her eyes, “Oh, thought it was something that I’d done,” He then looked at her, awaiting for confirmation that he most definitely hadn’t done anything. She sent him an easy smile, “Don’t worry about it, it was nothing to do with you.” She was curious at what he thought he could have possibly done, they barely spoke and when they did it was short and sweet. He couldn’t understand why he wanted to prove himself to this girl so much or why he was so hung up on her. It was like she calmed him. He barely knew her yet he had never felt so comfortable around a person. There was so much he wanted to learn about her, and Finn wasn’t a patient person. He felt like the moment she was accepted into the group he had to come to her aid whenever she needed it as he was the Alpha in the group and what kind of Alpha would he be if he didn’t protect his pack? He wanted her to be comfortable with him. He didn’t want her to tense up at his touch or words; but melt into it - play along with the flirty words whenever he would speak. Although he wanted to strip her of her clothes, he wanted to see her naked; not just naked in the traditional sense. He wanted to hear of her dreams, what she was passionate about, what made her cry. He didn’t want to just strip her of her clothes but of her soul.

How many drinks had he had? He subtly placed his cup on the floor. In fear that the drink may lead him to speaking his inner thoughts about her.

Although he wanted to ask her why she was sick the other day and wasn’t in work, he didn’t want to seem weird or like he was prying into her life so he sat in the silence with her; watching. He had called into her work one day and was disheartened by her absence; slamming the door as he left. But little did he realise that Rae had spotted him before he entered the shop and hid underneath the front desk; silently begging Rob to say she was off sick.

He then asked, changing the subject, “Listen, a few of the lads and our lot are coming round mine tomorrow to watch the boxing and I just wanted to say that as I’ll be picking Archie up is four ok for picking you up also?” She looked at him and couldn’t help the bashful smile, she turned it on it’s head by then asking, a mink-like smirk appeared upon her lips, “Oh, who died and made you boss?” He breathed a laugh, his smirk matching her’s - hearing her call him boss made his lower region twitch. Rae was intrigued to see what a boy like him’s place was like; did he live on his own or with his mum and dad? Was it small or big? Messy or pristine?

“ _You are listening to Heldeep Radio, I am your DJ Oliver Heldens. Time to sit back and let your soul feel the music…”_ The mellow, Dutch man spoke through the TV before the wavy, laid-back vibrations were to be heard. Hollers and woops were heard and the house shook as people moved and threw their hands up; Oliver Heldens was always a good choice. Chop had came out of nowhere and he dived into the pool, cannon balling. Rae and Finn held up their hands as they attempted to shield themselves from the splashes of water. They let out a laugh as their friend emerged.

Chloe pulled herself out of the pool and walked over, leaving a trail of water behind her. She rung the excess water out of her hair and asked, “Finn, couldn’t do us a favour and ring Kendo and ask for some pills and a thirty bag?” He grew a little annoyed at her interruption, his annoyance showing as he snapped, “He’ll be here soon why don’t you just ask for them?” Although she was yet to get used to his snappy attitude, she simply rolled her eyes and explained that he might not bring enough or bring the specific what they all wanted;

Finn then got up and left through the sliding glass door and took the call outside - not forgetting to squeeze Rae’s thigh lightly as he rose out of his seat. The contact didn’t go unnoticed by Chloe; who watched with that hawk-eyed stare. She then wasted no time into taking Finn’s seat and the questioning began;

“What were you two talking about?"

"Nothing, just was asking me if I wanted to go round tomorrow to watch the boxing with you lot,”

Chloe frowned, Finn hadn’t asked her to go round - in fact she hadn’t been to his flat full stop. It had taken him two months to even invite her to the pub; and that was only the once. And now here was Rae, the new comer of just under a week, being asked personally by the main man himself. It made Chloe feel out of her depth, “You need to start being more careful around him, Rae. May be nice now but he’ll turn, you watch,” Rae scoffed, pushing her tongue against her cheek. She shook her head, her jaw tightening,

“You don’t know him,”

“Oh what and _you do_?” As much as Rae hated to admit it; Chloe was right.

———————————————————————————————————————————-

The rest of the night Rae avoided Finn, whenever he’d be in the room; she’d make up some excuse and join others in the next. He was starting to grow sick of this game of hot and cold and as he was so fed up with this little game he shrunk back into his shell and turned; biting at everyone who talked to him. He had even barked a “Watch where you’re going,” At a drunken passerby who had brushed their shoulder a little too hard past his. He’d drank a little more than what he would usually allow himself and he was becoming a wound up string - his body itched and twitched as he attempted to resist his anger.

After running out of rooms to avoid him in; Rae took solace in the front sitting room where all of the group bar Finn were sat - she took a seat on the big sofa. The room was airy but still unbearably warm due to the heated proximity of the dancing bodies and the strobe lighting somebody had dragged along. She sat with Chop, who stank of whiskey, “Where’ve you been, Raemundo, I was just about to send out a sexy search party,” She giggled at the nickname. She shrugged, “Just been busy with work, why, you missed me?” The words made him bashfully smile. He played along as he wasn’t one to turn down an invite to flirt, “Why course, what’s a drinking sesh without our Rae there to down a pint!” She let out a roaring laugh, “Oh fuck off,” Was all she could say. Rae then grew serious,

“Chop, may I ask you something?"

"Yes, m'dear?”

She sighed, glancing to make sure that she was in the clear,

“You know, Finn… Does he deal?”

She looked at him, doe-eyed and curious. He wasn’t sure how to answer without giving away too much of his friend’s privacy, he shrugged; widening his eyes,

“Well, he did. He only passes on stuff for other people now though. Why anyway, kid?”

“No reason, it’s just cause I overheard him and Chloe talking in the pub and she thanked for the stuff,”

The last two words were spoken with such an innocence it made him chuckle,

“If you had listened longer, nosy, then you would’ve heard her thank him for getting it off Kendo for her,”

Luckily it was dark and her blushing cheeks went amiss to Chop, she felt terrible for being so quick to judge. He felt a little patronizing as obviously she was new to their world. He took the playful approach; eyeing her as he attempted to shy her away from any more further questions and to make it seem like he wasn’t being condescending, “Since when were you so interested in Finn anyway?” She shared a look with him before the two shared a giggle, bumping shoulders and leaving her curiosity lingering in the air.

Her laughter alerted Finn. He could even hear it through the overpowering noise of conversation and music. Now changed in black jeans and a tight, black, v neck t-shirt, he sat on the kitchen counter; his legs dangling off the floor. He was interested to find out what was so funny. He watched as Kendo and their blonde friend snorted up a line, they then continued with their conversation; the drugs coursed through their veins and they attempted to talk over one another - their actions elaborate and their words hyper. Finn grimaced, he couldn’t believe he used to love being in that state. He inwardly winced as Kendo landed a rough hand on his shoulder, Finn’s eyes glanced from the hand to Kendo’s face, “Mate, bunch of us are going The Basement to see what the talent’s chatting. You game?” Finn looked at the door that connected the kitchen and front room, he sighed darkly before downing his drink. He slammed the cup down and stated, “Fuck it, go on,”

He jumped off the counter, grabbing his jacket and shrugging it on. There was no point in hanging around, hoping for another chance to talk to Rae - he wasn’t even sitting in the same room as her. He told Kendo he was just going to say goodbye to his mates, mainly making sure that nothing were being spoke about him as the laughter and isolation from them was making him paranoid. He felt his muscles flexing underneath his jacket and his hands curling up into little fists as he made his way over. He leaned down to Chop, his hand snaking his way round his friend’s neck as he pulled him in closer to make sure the conversation was kept private between the two of them, “Am off, mate, do us a favour and keep an eye on Rae for us I’ve asked a few of the other’s to but I want _you_ to make sure she gets home alright. I’ll ring you in the morning and see what the plan is,”

As the two pulled away Chop gave him a nod and a thumbs up. His stare lingered on Rae a little too longer than he wanted, but he was unsure of whether he wanted to leave; looking at the drink in her hand and the glossy stare made him feel uneasy. Finn didn’t bother saying goodbye to the rest, he thought goodbye’s were a waste of time and in the time he’d say goodbye he’d end up being roped into staying for another hour. Rae watched him leave and the disappointment followed, why didn’t he say goodbye to her? Chop sent her a cute little nose scrunch and shoulder shrug, which she mirrored before taking a sip of her drink. Her eyes then wandered over to the back of the couch and she caught the glimpse of Finn in the kitchen, throwing his hand in his coat pocket and his other over the pretty little blonde’s shoulders before leaving. “Where’s he going?” Izzy asked from the other couch, well more shouted over the music, in referral to Finn. Chop shrugged and shouted back, “Dunno, couldn’t hear him properly,” And although Rae thought she knew why Chop was lying, covering for his friend who she thought was going off to sleep with that girl; she couldn’t shake off the feeling of eyes on her. And although he was gone, Finn was watching. He was always watching.


	5. Chapter 5

Rae was nervous. In fact, she was beyond nervous. The thought of going to Finn’s flat and seeing him in his home environment turned her stomach, but at least they wouldn’t be alone. She hated that she got so angry for when he left with that girl last night, she wasn’t his girlfriend; in fact she was barely even a friend so who was she to get annoyed at what he got up to? She decided to dress nice once again, a flower patterned maroon shirt, denim jeans and matching maroon ballet pumps. When her mother originally begged her to buy all these nice, new girly clothes Rae hated the idea but now, Rae was actually relieved that she had something other than band tops and men’s baggy tees.

She didn’t do much with her hair as her curls had fortunately stayed in, she threw on her mascara and lip gloss and she was set. As she made her way downstairs, the house empty as Linda was on a day shift, there was a knock to be heard, she smiled and made her way to the door, “You’re earl-” The smile dropped as she was met by the overly happy smile of Chloe.

“What are you doing here?” Rae gave Chloe a subtle once over and felt herself wrapping her leather jacket tighter around her stomach. Chloe wore a suede powder blue biker jacket, a cream wrapped shirt, denim skinny jeans and pumps that matched her jacket - everything was tight fitting and flattering. Rae itched to turn around and get changed; not seeing the need to bother in dressing so nice if she was going to be in the presence of somebody so thin and perfectly dressed. “I don’t know how to get to Finn’s and well I told him he might as well grab the both of us along the way so I told him to grab me from here, I hope you don’t mind,” Of course Rae minded, but at least she wouldn’t have to be the only girl in the car now. Chloe nodded towards behind Rae, Rae stepped aside and let her friend pass on through; shutting the door a little too harshly.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

The car ride was awkward.

Chloe had whined before getting in that she gets car sick; so she took the passenger’s seat - Rae sat in the back. She didn’t even have Archie to keep her company as he was already at Finn’s; he had gotten there earlier. So, it was just the three and the low, dulcet tones of John Mayer. Finn said nothing for the drive, well not nothing just very brief and one word answers to the questions Chloe continually asked. Rae’s eyes never left outside, she watched the passing scenery; zoning out. Only did her attention snap to something other outside was when Chloe whined, “Turn this shite off, God, wrist slitting music or what,”

Rae felt personally offended over Chloe’s choice of words; both the criticism and her ignorant comment that followed. Her hand fell to her old scars that trailed along her right wrist; she traced them absentmindedly over her clothing. You know those friends that you have known for so long that you have to over look their faults but if you were to meet them now then you know for a fact that you most definitely would not be friends? Chloe and Rae’s friendship in a nutshell. Rae’s eyes glanced from Chloe’s hand as Chloe turned over to the radio to the rear view mirror and watched as Finn inwardly winced as the shitty, modern song blared out. She then returned to looking outside, rolling her eyes as Chloe starting going on about how much she loved the song before going on about the car and asking _how much did Finn earn_ and commenting that _it must have been a lot considering he could afford such a lovely thing._

Although Chloe’s questions were more than intrusive, Rae had to admit she wanted to know the answers too. What was a twenty-something man who lived in Stamford doing with a black, Lexus NX. What was his job, and it indeed must’ve paid well if he could afford such a beautiful car. Maybe it was something he had saved up for, from his dealing days. And if his car were anything to go by; then his flat was going to be one pretty place. Both Rae and Finn had never been so grateful to get out of somewhere.

The block of apartments were in a nicer part of Lincolnshire, somewhere just on the outskirts of town. Even under the dim, grey clouds it managed to emit a creative vibe about it. You’d be sure to find individuals hunched over note books as they transferred their imagination from their mind to paper. There was a mixture of modern and traditional architecture lining the road, tall trees along the path. As the three climbed out, Finn passed Rae and lowly whispered a “Never again,” Which Chloe missed but Rae let out a short but low giggle at. The two girls followed Finn down a small brick path in between two buildings, Rae’s hand brushing the left wall that displayed splashes of colour. They stopped stopped in front of a metal door, Finn pulled the keys from his back pocket and Rae watched as his back muscles flexed underneath the washed out grey t-shirt. He looked nice today.

They were shortly in and up the stairs; their footsteps echoing in the empty entrance. Even the inside was nice; white washed walls and wooden floors - nothing like the grubby council flats down by Rae’s. They eventually reached Finn’s front door and were led in, Chloe pushing past to go first. Rae followed, awkwardly glancing between Finn and the hallway; muttering a ‘Thanks’ Before walking ahead and through the open white door. The inside was big and ran along the theme of black, white and grey monochrome. It was all open plan, the living room and kitchen connected as one as did the dining area. As Rae stepped into living room to her left was a long strip of doors, two on either side and one at the end. The place was so big, all expensive Italian furniture and glass walls. His corner couch matched the interior of his car; black and a smooth, cool leather. A little office chair sat facing the tv and was taken up by Archie. The TV upon the wall was one of those new, huge smart tellies and would swallow Rae’s little 32" she had back at home. A glass table that could be pulled out in a swirling motion and open up to two was occupied with spliffs, empty beer bottles, cigarette packets, endless amounts of pizza and a glass ashtray. Spot lights shone down and gave the place a cold glow; as did the size of it - it didn’t look lived in. It looked more like a show room. The only homely thing about the living room was the big, hand painted mural of a tree on the wall and the long strip of family photos hung up in frames on the right next to the door Rae just walked through.

Chloe’s eyes lit up as she eyed the place; the size and expensive items excited her. It didn’t have the same effect on Rae; even through the number of friends that currently occupied the living room could Rae see it was a lonely place. Through all the money and flash things could Rae see that this wasn’t a lived in home. Finn brushed past her, he used the opportunity to touch her and placed a hand on the small of her back; moving her out the way as he went off into the kitchen to grab a cold bottle of beer. Her stomach fluttered under his touch. Chloe made herself at home and took a seat beside Kendo, as where Rae awkwardly shuffled and took a seat on the end of the couch; next to where Archie had moved the chair.

“Oi, Rae, want some pizza?” Kendo asked through a mouth full of cheese and beer, she shook her head and politely declined even though her tummy rumbled; not supporting her excuse that she ate something before she came. Rae liked Kendo, although he didn’t have the nicest of reps he was one of the loveliest lads if you were a friend. He was a long time pal of her brother’s and he had even sorted out a few bullies from her school for her. He was alright in her eyes. Archie had now moved from his little seat and took a place next to Rae on the couch, he then asked in low tones, “Alright Missus?” She nodded and asked the same. She could tell something was on his mind with the way he nervously twitched, her suspicion was confirmed when he then asked, “Listen, Rae, I was just wondering would you like to go and watch that new film Trainwreck on Tuesday?” She blinked and asked, unsure she had heard right, “What?” But before he could repeat his question Finn had now came into view, moving Archie out the way as he sandwiched himself between the two. He took a swig of his beer, elbows then resting on his knees and he let out a big arrogant sigh, almost as if he knew what he had purposely just interrupted.

But Rae wasn’t going to be put off by the arrogance; she leaned back and caught Archie’s attention. Slowly glancing from Finn’s back to Archie’s face she then said, “Yeah, alright. I’ll grab your number before I leave and we’ll sort all the times and stuff,” Noticing Finn tense and letting out a throaty, abrupt cough did Rae then smirk - if he could leave with girls then she could date his friend. As the men became engrossed in the boxing Rae looked around to see who the company was; their gang, Kendo and some burly, mean looking man. Her eyes fell on one particular guest; the thin and pretty blonde that Finn was talking to yesterday. The girl was sat at the glass dining table on the right of the room, currently rolling a spliff. Her frail figure was swallowed by a long, muscle, band tee that reached just above her knees, they were accompanied by a pair of docs. After hearing one of the boys call out her name did Rae discover her name was Orla, even her name was interesting. But what Rae couldn’t stop staring at was the little key tattoo on her left wrist, it was in the exact same position as Finn’s lock. She wondered what her history with Finn was, perhaps an ex that when they were together they got that tattoo? Maybe a cousin or just a very good friend, either way it was some form of bond that Rae was interested to find out about.

“How’s your Tommy, Rae? Heard he’s only got twelve months left,”

Her attention snapped to Kendo. She nodded, although she didn’t like talking about her brother’s whereabouts she didn’t mind all that much talking about it with Kendo, “Yeah, it was meant to be six but it got extended as he got into a fight with a cell mate,” Kendo let out a hearty laugh, shaking his head with a grin, “Fucking hell, he never changes. But at least it’s only a year, he’ll fly through it.” Before anything else could be said on the matter; the boys erupted into loud cheers as their chosen boxer had put his opponent on the floor with one clean cut punch. A chorus of “Get in!” And “Fucking well in, lad!” Along with a mixture of other shouts. Rae never understood the fascination with boxing, even after being forced for endless years to watch it with Tommy could she not take to it - the only interesting thing about it was the men and their muscles.

Not all were impressed with the punch, Finn grumbled, “Fucking hell I’ve threw better punches than that,” Kendo caught it, he let out a shit-eating grin,

“You telling me you could throw a better punch than Anthony Joshua? I’d pay to see that,”

Rae felt her lips grow dry at seeing the confident smirk pool from Finn’s lips, it was one of the sexiest things she had ever seen him do. The thought of the sweat glistening on his back and the furrowed brow whilst he threw punch after punch flashed in Rae’s mind, it made her stomach growl with lust. Finn nodded, “Name a time and a place,” “Tomorrow, at the gym,” The two men smacked their hands together as they shook on it before Finn pointed at him, sitting back in his seat,

“You are on,”

He had now placed an arm behind his head, his t-shirt lifting slightly to reveal a peak at his tanned stomach and chiseled hip bones.

“I didn’t know you boxed,” Her voice was so quiet, almost as if she hadn't meant to have ask, he turned his head to her and nodded,

“Three years now, helps me control my anger,”

His voice too was quiet. This little piece of information now made Finn suddenly a lot more attractive, not that Rae didn’t find him attractive. He was beautiful, but the thought of him boxing excited Rae; it made him more sexy. More dangerous.

“ _I’d be your punch bag any day,_ ”

“What?”

“What?"

She hadn’t realised she had spoken out loud. Her face grew redder as the longer he stared. He gave her a look, in which she mockingly replicated before the two turned back to the tv. Rae sunk into the couch and he smirked over his beer bottle.

———————————————————————————————————————————

Once it was late and the boxing was long over, Chloe and Rae decided it was time to leave; Rae grabbing Archie’s number didn’t go amiss but everybody remained silent on the subject. The car ride was another awkward trip, even Chloe stayed quiet. Chloe could sense the tension that hung between her two friends and was itching to say something, but before she could work up the nerve to they were outside of her house. "Thanks for the lift,” She turned to her friend in the back seat, “I’ll see you tomorrow?” Once a confirmation was spoke, Chloe lingered before admitting the defeat and leaving the car. He watched Chloe’s figure be swallowed behind her big wooden gate before he turned to Rae, glancing between her and the empty seat beside him,

“What?”

He gave her a look before he then stated, “Don’t be stupid, come on,”

“I’m fine back here,”

“Stop being stubborn.”

“I’m not.”

_“Get in the passenger’s seat, Rae.”_

His warning tone made her flinch as she had never heard it before. It frightened her a little, and if anything, made her want to stay in the back more than ever. She could tell his patience was wearing thin and as much as she would have liked to sit in the back and avoid the confrontation; she would have to obey. And obey she did. As the car took motion once more; he then asked. His words were strained but curious,

“Are you really gonna go on that date with Archie?” She paused and looked at him, but he stared ahead at the road - his question now made her realise that, that was why he persisted she join him up front. So he did hear their conversation,

“Why do you care?"

"I don’t, I was just asking, and am just saying that Archie can be a bit of a dickhead,”

“That’s your friend your talking about,”

“Exactly and I know him better than anyone, trust me when I say he’s a dickhead, Rae,”

“Well I think he’s lovely,”

Her words shut him up and an uneasy silence lingered. Although Rae thought it genuinely was him just being nosy; there was so much more to it than that. He wanted to beg her, demand she not go on the date. He wanted to tell her that she wasn’t going, but it wasn’t his place and the loss of control made him grip the steering wheel tighter. The awkward silence wasn’t for long as they were soon outside of Rae’s, as she thanked him she then climbed out; the warm and comforting air from within the car was replaced with the cold and bitter wind. He rolled down the window and leaned forward,

“Listen, am going the gym in the morning and was wondering if you needed a lift to work,”

“My mum will take me but thanks for the offer,”

The thought of his only chance being tomorrow that he could maybe try to convince her to call the date off once more and it now slipping away made him persist,

“Are you sure? Honestly it’s no trouble.”

She politely declined and he felt the disappointment settle in, causing him to grow cold as he spoke a curt 'Night’ Before reversing and spinning his car off down the street. Feeling a little upset at the fact he hadn’t made sure she got in alright, even though it was only a few feet away, she then made her way to the front door and wandered in. The sound of the theme tune of Two of And A Half Men came from her living room, the old re run signaled it was just past one in the morning. She wandered through to the living room to see her mum was outstretched on the couch with her feet up and her bed time brew in her hand, Rae took a place on the armchair; chucking her bag onto the floor,

“You have a good time, love?” As much as Linda disliked Rae staying out so late, she constantly had to remind herself that Rae was twenty years old and that as long as she was in a safe environment with her phone switched on at all times then there was no harm in her turning up a little later than the time they had agreed on. Lazy conversation was passed between the two before Rae then stated;

“I’ve got a date on Tuesday,"

Not trying to seem too interested or nosy; Linda kept her eyes on the television whilst asking,

"Oh right, who with?” Rae wasn’t sure whether she wanted Linda to know, but then again this was Stamford and Rae was kidding herself if she actually believed her mum wouldn’t find out eventually,

“You know Carol’s son Archie? Well, him,”

This now had her mum interested, he was a nice boy but wasn’t he gay? She could’ve swore he came out last year and one of his friend’s went on a man hunt for the blood of who called him all those horrible words. Not wanting to upset her daughter or try and put a damper on it, Linda just simply stated that, that sounded fun. She asked where it was and finding out it was the cinema did Linda make a note to find out what time and how long the film was, just so she could time it all and make sure Rae wasn’t up to no good with this boy. Once gathering all the information she needed she then reminded her daughter to go up to bed as they both had work in the morning. When Rae left her mother did Linda begin to think. All of this, this sudden swirl of social life Rae had come across made Linda constantly worry. Less than a fortnight ago and her daughter was in a hospital ward, and now she was out in the cold world that made her go mad in the first place. It was lovely to see her getting out, having a job and friends but she just couldn’t stop the worry. She took a sip of her brew and sighed, relaxing back into the couch; making a mental note to “Coincidentally” To run into Rae at the pub and get a better peek at these friends.


	6. Chapter 6

After another slow day at work Rae was finally free and back in The Vaults. Less than twenty four hours till her date. It wasn’t as packed but still just touching on crowded, she weaved throughout the bodies and took up a place upon the open seat in between Chloe and Finn. Everybody but Finn said hello, making sure to get her point across that he was being childish she spoke, “You alright, Finn?”

“Yeah, suppose,”

He didn’t even look at her. It made her chest tight, making her re think about her date with Archie. As she knew that was the reason for his stubborn behaviour, she felt like a child who had been put in their parents’ bad books and wanted to regain their approval. “I’m fine by the way,” It was then he looked at her, he gave her a once over before returning to the conversation between the others. Although Finn had gave himself a pep talk before she turned up tonight, telling himself he wasn’t going to show he was still in a mood with her it all went to shit as soon as she walked through the door. He just could not help himself, he gave her the cold shoulder to show that he disapproved of her disobedience of going ahead with the date. He knew she was not a dog or something that he could control but he wanted to show her that he still remained as the dominant one and that all disobedience within the group wouldn’t go unpunished. And as she wasn’t a girlfriend who he could spank; the cold shoulder would have to do.

“Rae!”

She slowly pulled her hardened stare away from Finn and softening it as it landed on Archie, she sent him a smile as he approached her; dragging a chair behind him. Her breath hitched at the back of her throat and she could barely muster up a smile as she was so nervous; he was just so attractive. He plonked the seat and himself down, “Save me from this conversation pleaaase” He pleaded, his tones childish. She giggled before asking, “Why, what’s everyone talking about?"

"Orgasms! That’d be my specialist subject on Masterminds."

Her attention turned to Chop who beamed like the cat who got the cream. Izzy then spoke in that day dream tone of her’s as she wondered, "I’ve never had an orgasm,” As Chop piped up, saying something or other about it being like sneezing eight times, followed by a dirty remark which Izzy scolded him before Finn playfully joined in the scolding and the gang erupted into a fit of laughter. Chloe saw out of the corner of her eye Rae and Archie shy smiles towards each other, she couldn’t help that jealous feeling nagging away at her. Why was it that in the four whole months she had knew Archie did he not once give in to her advances, but he was all over her mate like a rash, her mate who he had knew no longer than two weeks. If Chloe couldn’t get the gang to stop inviting Rae to places, then she was just going to have pick at the source of the problem. She was going to treat it like a scab and scratch, and scratch until it eventually came away. The clogs began to turn as she then piped up, gasping,

“I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we all talk about our best sexual and romantic experiences,”

Chop then volunteered to go first, but that just didn’t do it and so Chloe intervened and turned to Rae, “Rae, why don’t _you_ go first?”

Rae felt that familiar feeling of crippling embarrassment, she hated Chloe. She hated the situations her supposed friend put her in, why were they even friends? It was as if time slowed down and the faces before her began to warp and melt like in a Francis Bacon painting, her chest began to grow tight and the room began to close in. Whilst lighting a cigarette Finn tensed at the thought of Rae mentioning her sexual encounters and held his breath as he awaited. But his fears melted away as he looked up, the pale face and the sudden stuttering in her words was enough to confirm that she was a virgin. The thought of her being a virgin stirred something deep inside of him, it excited him.

“I’ve just remembered, I’ve got to put the tea on for my mum,”

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Chloe flick her hair and her eyes twinkle in smug amusement; maybe this scab wasn’t as stuck to her skin as she had anticipated. Rae rose out of her seat, ignoring the complaints and protests. Her eyes glazed over at Izzy’s comment of “What you making?!” And the giggles and sniggers that followed. It may have been a harmless comment, not making fun of her and simply just a joke but to Rae it made her heart sink - was that all she was to them, a joke and something they could prod and poke? As she stepped outside, the cool air filling her lungs, she wiped away her tears before leaning her back against the wall; tilting her head back and shutting her eyes. She reopened them when she heard,

“You alright?"

Archie.

She nodded before explaining that she didn’t really didn’t need to put the tea on, Chloe was just doing her head in. He laughed at her reasoning before dancing on the balls of his feet. He looked around before asking, "It’s getting dark and I was just wondering if you fancied a bit of company on the walk home?” She bashfully smiled and the two began the walk. She liked being in the presence of a male and not feel so on edge or careful of what she had to say. The conversation flowed freely between the two, everything from where they went to school to what was their favourite tv show was asked. Not wanting to cut it so short they took a seat on a bench in Rutlands Park and more questions followed. As he was talking about something or other did Rae look at him, like really look at him. He was handsome, handsome with a boyish charm around the cheeks. An unruly mess of hair with a fringe that grazed the top his glasses. His skin was smooth with no scars or spots, the odd freckle or two was the only thing that accumulated on the most beautiful face. He now had noticed by the glossy stare and the heavy eyes that she had zoned out; her staring made him shyly smile and breathe a laugh. Once realising it was more than just zoning out and the attraction blazed in her eyes did he see his opportunity. The moment between the two was shy but intense. He searched her eyes and he reached a timid hand forward, cupping her cheek. Before Rae could grasp what was happening were his lips on her’s, his movements were gentle and soft. It was a closed mouth kiss, not full of hard passion like she imagined it to be. As he pulled away he sent her a soft and yet shy smile. The two shared a giggle before looking away, both blushing from the contact.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

————————————————————————————————————————————

She was surprised to see Izzy and Chloe on her doorstep the following evening, they both had a large bag flung over their shoulders and a smile on their faces as they explained they had come to give Rae a make over before her date. They were now all in her room, Rae was sat on her bed as Chloe fiddled with her hair; earning a tap on the back of her head followed by a “Keep your bloody head still,” Rae’s arms were folded together in a huff, like a sulking child. Rae hadn’t forgot Chloe’s embarrassing her in the pub, but the more Chloe embarrassed her; the more Rae would try and win Chloe back. It was almost like she wanted to please her.

Izzy was currently going through Rae’s wardrobe, mixing and matching. Rae grumbled and winced as Chloe continually back combed and curled Rae’s hair, “Are you sure this is even necessary?! I mean he kissed me, so he must like me,” The look shared between Chloe and Izzy went amiss by Rae, they knew something that she didn’t. They didn’t have the heart to tell her, Chloe then tried to cover it up by stating, “Yeah, well it doesn’t hurt to look nice does it? Not that you don’t, as you always look lovely but am just saying it’s nice to make an effort.” Rae couldn’t help but feel a little wounded by the back handed compliment. As Izzy pulled out a blouse, black jeans and a pair of black heeled shoes did Rae protest, “No wedges or anything with a heel as I’ll tower over him!” Izzy then pulled out a pair of black flats, grinning widely; awaiting Rae’s approval. Rae sent her a loving smile added with a “Perfect.”

After earning Rae’s approval; Izzy moved round to the front of Rae and began working on her face. Rae didn’t see what all the fuss was about, but if kept her friends happy and kept the up the act that she was normal then she left them be. As the two girls giggled and gabbed, Rae stayed silent; she felt content. Although Chloe couldn’t help herself with the snide remarks, Rae was happy. Rae was unsure of what to expect on the date, she had no clue as she had never been on one. She was relieved it was a cinema date, as there would no awkward silences but it scared her; the thought of being alone with him in a dark room. Would he expect to kiss like they did on the bench? Would she be expected to hold his hand? So many questions, but they soon would be answered as time was getting on.

—————————————————————————————————————————

Nerves, nausea, excitement and joy; all kinds of emotions ran through Rae and at a pace so quick it made her dizzy. As an agreement to make sure she met up with Archie safe; Chloe and Izzy decided to wait on the bench out of sight but in a place where they could still see Rae. Rae danced on the balls of her feet as she nervously glanced around the busy area. Teenage couples, mothers dragging their kids, all but Archie surrounded Rae - some leaving the cinema and some entering.

Ten minutes passed….

Twenty….

Archie was officially thirty minutes late.

Was it normal for somebody to keep you waiting this long? Rae wished she had more knowledge when it came down to dating, but even with her lack of it could Rae sense something was wrong. Rae looked helplessly around for her friends, unable to locate them on the bench - had they got bored of waiting? Was this all a big set up and the gang were all going to come out and laugh at her? As the horrible fear and realization began to set in, the sadness tugging her heart downwards and into her stomach, her eyes landed on a familiar brown head of hair. But it wasn’t the head she hoped for,

“What do _you_ want?”

He took a deep breath, holding back a snappy remark in response to her tone. If that was going to be the way she wanted to behave then she wasn’t going to get ‘Nice Finn’ The side he originally planned to show her. So he huffed out his chest and held up his chin, “Archie rang me to tell ya that he ain’t coming. He said to say, well he just said that really.” She blinked rapidly, an attempt to clear away the tears that threatened to fall. Her voice was thick as she asked, “Couldn’t you have told me that half an hour ago instead making me stand there like a knobhead?"

He stood and said nothing, he glanced around; avoiding her begging eyes. He then turned back to her and felt his stomach knot, he wanted to apologise for delivering the news so curtly but he did warn her that this may have happened. He hated to be the one to say he told her so, he then asked, "Do you want a lift?” In which she accepted. The walk to the car was short and not a word was passed between the two. As soon as Rae’s arse hit that car seat did the tears fall, her crying alerted Finn. He was helpless whenever a woman would cry. He softly and timidly spoke her name, which she responded to through snot and a tears with a “Just drive,”

He did what he was told, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to hug her, he wanted to rub her back and comfort her and with the heavy heart weighing on his chest did he most certainly never want to see her cry ever again. He had so many words of comfort he wanted to say but they were stuck on the tip of his tongue, he was never good with words. He pulled up outside Rae’s, the scene of him and Rae ending up in his car together and outside her house was becoming familiar to him. But her following words unnerved him, pulling the rug right from under him in surprise,

“Do you want to come in? My mum’s not home,”

Although Rae wanted to be alone, she was scared at what she’d do to herself as punishment for Archie standing her up and although Finn wasn’t the best company; it was better than nothing. He licked his lips and nodded, suddenly a bag of nerves. The two climbed out and made their way across the road, onto Rae’s path. After Finn locked his car did Rae unlock her door, she made her way inside. Through snot and tears did she laugh at the sight before her, “You can come in you know,” He looked so small and young as he stood awkwardly in her doorway. Finn was nervous. He was so nervous that he couldn’t even make his way into the house, not until she invited him in. He gently shut the door behind him and followed her through to the living room; his eyes wandering in curious awe.

Her home was warm and lived in. He could see the years of memories coming to life before him, it was the kind of place that Finn was constantly homesick for. She flicked on a lamp in the living room, a red glow overcasting the room as if the wall's throat had been slit, before turning to him, “I’m just gonna go and get myself cleaned up, kitchen’s through there and the remote’s here. Don’t be afraid to make yourself comfortable.” Easier said than done.

As she left him be, his eyes continued their wandering. It was odd for Finn to be in a girl’s house and not be taken straight upstairs, it was odd that he had time to actually walk around and get a glimpse into the girl’s life. It was so alien to him. He moved over to the shelf of photographs, he smiled and chucked lowly at certain ones. His intrigued stare landed on one of Rae and Tommy, it was of their younger selves in what appeared to be a back garden on a sunny day. He then wondered, did she miss him? Were they close or couldn’t stand each other? From hearing through Kendo; Tommy loved his baby sister so that answered that on Tommy’s behalf; but was it the same for Rae?

“You can sit down you know,”

He hadn’t realized he had been staring for so long, but it was a good length of time as Rae was changed into comfier clothes and washed. He jumped and turned, stepping back slightly at realization of how close she actually stood. A more happier and less mascara smudged Rae stood before him, “Sorry, I was just looking at these pictures. I like that one of you and Tommy, it’s cute,” She rolled her eyes at his playful tone before shoving her shoulder into his. His small smile dropped and his eyes grew dark and serious, his stare lingered a little too long on her face for her liking. So, she broke the intimate spell by stuttering, “D-do you want a drink or anything?” After he shook his head did she then move to the couch, he lingered in his spot for a moment; a smirk threatening to tug at the corners of his mouth. He loved that he still made her nervous.

He joined her upon the couch and Rae wasted no time into turning the tv on. He paid no attention to the programme Rae had decided on but not wanting to seem weird he only stared at her out of the corner of his eye whilst his head pointed to the direction of the television. Her loud laughter that suddenly erupted at something on the telly brought him out of his day dreaming and he couldn’t help but smile. His heart rattled against his rib cage and the warmth spread across his chest. Her joy was now his joy. His eyes grew heavy as he looked from her lips to her eyes before back to her lips, he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to feel that happiness upon his lips. The feeling of never wanting to see her cry was now replaced with wanting to do anything to see her smile. He cleared his throat before returning his gaze back to the television.

He wanted to apologise on his friend’s behalf for what Archie did but couldn’t quite find the words, he hated his friend. He hated how his friend’s actions made her cry, making her think it was her fault. As much as he wanted to apologise, he didn’t want to upset her and force her to push him away. He wanted to move forward and not two steps back - he wanted her to feel comfortable with him. He subtly and quietly moved his arm closer to her’s, his eyes glanced nervously from her face to his arm before back to her face; awaiting a reaction. Once his hand and her’s were touching did the hairs on his arms begin to rise, but her’s did not. He found himself disappointed that it was his body that reacted in that way and not her’s. He no longer wanted to sit in silence and couldn’t, once again, help himself,

“I’m sorry about today, I never would have done it if I knew how much you liked him,"

He awaited her reaction and it was not the one he was hoping for, but one he expected. She folded her arms and huffed,

"Oh, how very grown up of you,”

Her sarcastic tone made him frown. He didn’t like sarcastic and snappy Rae, he didn’t like the disobedience. But in an attempt to keep his cool, he sat forward with his elbows on his knees and continued, “Look, I know we don’t get on that much and I know you don’t like me and that’s fine right? But I just… I think he’s a dick for what he did, and I think he’s an even bigger dick for not explaining himself. I know you blame yourself but it wasn’t your fault and look I wanted to apologise for the way I told you and the way I kept you waiting, I just didn’t want you adding me not apologising to the very long list of things you hate about me,” He exhaled, the words coming out all at once. She didn’t look at him and he could see the tears welling up in her eyes. Here he was, letting her sip from the cup of his soul and yet she refused to drink it. She refused his apology.

_Fuck this._

He then rose out of his seat and left the living room. He could feel the embarrassment wash over his cheeks. His foot had just gotten over the doorstep when she called his name out from the doorway that connected the hallway and the living room. He froze and turned, in hope that she’d tell him to stop being silly and come back inside. But instead a small smile was thrown his way and a playful, “The list isn’t that long,"

He sent her a soft smile and as he went to leave again, she called out his name once more before rushing to the door, "I’ve thought of something that you can do for me to make up for today,” A shy glint shined in her eyes, “My mum’s on nights for the rest of the week and won’t be able to take me to work, so, fancy being my Driving Miss Daisy?” His cheeky smile reached his eyes and he let out a laugh, “Thought you were gonna go and ask me to kick the shit out of Archie then, but alright, Miss Earl, you’re on.” The two exchanged numbers, just so he could text her in the morning to let her know he was outside, etc. The two spoke a goodnight and Finn left for his car, Rae shut the door.

Once she heard the car speed off did she then slide down the door, hitting the floor with a thud. Her breath hitched at the back of her throat and she couldn’t help the little quiver that came from her bottom lip. The sudden overwhelming sadness threw her off balance and she was unable to hold back the tears, now that she was finally alone. The emptiness that followed and the heaviness in her heart caused her to let out a strangled cry, her eyes stung as the more tears she shed. She now had a chance to let go, and she did not hold back. Each sob louder than the last. Why did Archie stand her up? Why didn’t he cancel beforehand if he didn’t want to go on the date? She would’ve preferred a cancellation than face the humiliation of standing there at the cinema. She wiped away the snot on the back of her hand before more tears followed. Although Rae was angry at him, she understood why he stood her up. As she wouldn’t want to go out in public with someone like her and she understood why Archie didn’t like her, as she didn’t like herself too.


	7. Chapter 7

Her feet stomped against the pavement, the squelching in her shoes added more fuel to her fire. Finn hadn’t turned up that morning, along with no call or text to say that he wasn’t coming. And as she didn’t want to wake her mum, here now was Rae; soaked and angry - she could’ve swore her anger blazed from inside out so hard she was actually beginning to dry. She swung open the shop door with such a force that the little bell above flew off. Rob sat at the desk, flicking through a magazine and a coffee in his hand,

“What the fuck happened to you?" 

"Don’t.”

Is all Rae could say before she stormed into the back, furiously shedding her leather jacket. It wasn’t the fact that he had stood her up, it was the fact he hadn’t called or text her; warning her. She could tell he wasn’t the spontaneous type who left things to the last minute, and she just knew he had done it on purpose.   
———————————————————————————————————————————-  
Time dragged on, as did her bad mood. As the shop was never busy she didn’t have the distraction of customers to take away the bad mood, but it was finally closing time. She was currently hunched over the magazine she had borrowed off Rob, her chin rested in her hand and her other lazily flicked through the pages. The shop bell dinged, putting that thing back up was the only exciting thing that had happened all day, but she didn’t look up, not until she said in a monotone,

“Sorry, we’re clos-”

Her face fell. There before her stood Finn, a colourful rainbow of tulips, roses and lisianthus’s clutched in his hand that he had bought to soften the blow. Her back straightened and the anger reignited in her eyes. The confident smirk irritated her, 

“Oh, look who showed up. You’re only, what, nine hours late?”

  The smirk fell and he heavily sighed, the tiredness sagged under his eyes, “Am sorry, Rae, I’ve been busy,”

“Too busy to text or call?”

“Phone’s been dead,”

“Why didn’t you charge it?“

"Orla’s lost my charger,”

“Right.”

She moved from behind the desk, brushing past him and over to a CD that had been put in the wrong stand. As she began to correct it he moved to beside her, God, he smelt good. 

He wasn’t usually so apologetic, and so this was all new to him. He wasn’t so sure how to go about it, and as Rae was so unpredictable; his movements were gentle and careful;

“I got you these,” He moved the flowers to in front of her face, waving them a little. She wanted to melt. She so badly wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor, “Buy me all the flowers you want, still doesn’t make up for you leaving me to walk in the rain. Even flowers as gorgeous as these,” She then cracked, sighing as she looked at them, “Jesus, Finn, how much did these cost?” Her words were soft, instead of her melting into a puddle; her anger did. His hope lifted as she took the flowers off him, sniffing them. He watched her, and couldn’t help but notice how the flowers complimented the softness of her skin. 

But his hope came tumbling down as she shoved them back into his hands, walking back to the front desk, “No! You stood me up, made me wait round like a dickhead. Yet again, so just fuck off and take those with you,” She disappeared into the back and went to hide in the stock room before she stopped; exhaling. She felt bad, in fact she felt terrible. He hadn’t meant to have stood her up, and she knew that. She hated that she was so stubborn. She turned round, walked back through and called out, “Finn?” But was met with the shop bell dinging, the back of his head and the flowers on the front desk. 

———————————————————————————————————————————–  
Rae kept her head down on the walk home, Finn’s apology in her backpack. On her walk she attempted to call him, seeing if he was telling the truth and that his phone had in fact died. And when the phone went straight to voicemail, she felt terrible once again. She of all people knew what it was like to having miss things because she had stuff on - so why she jumped down his throat and was judgmental she didn’t know. 

Her phone rang out and she jumped, almost dropping it in the process,  
“Rrrrrrrrrrrraemundo, you saucy little tartlet! How are you, kid?!”

She rolled her eyes playfully at Chop’s hyper greeting, her bad mood fading, “What do you want?” She giggled, unable to keep the flirty and playful act up. 

“Wanted to see what you were up to as we’re all going The Basement for a game of pool and a few and well can’t not invite my drinking buddy, can I!”  
“What time’s everyone getting there?”

“May have told a little fib, we’re all already here." 

Her words pricked up at the "We’re.” She then glanced down at her work attire, well, it wasn’t too late - which meant the dress code wasn’t so strict. She could possibly get away with it, but could she get away with the frizzy hair and the make up less face? Well, she would have to. If she wanted to catch him, just in case he decided to do a runner on hearing she was going to be joining them.

The Basement wasn’t too far and she was soon down the steps and inside the dark club. She moved to the pool room - where all the gang bar Finn were. 

Orla had even tagged along, she was currently talking to Chloe and Izzy, they sat in the corner of one of the long couches; giggling and drinking glasses of their pitcher. Rae’s eyes moved from them to ahead and onto the boy’s, she noticed the same big and burly guy, also known as Mitch, that was in Finn’s apartment had joined them - he didn’t seem so scary now that she knew his name.

Chop wrapped an arm around her shoulder, landing a big sloppy kiss on her cheek; obviously he had hit the drink early, “How’s you, Miss Earl?” She breathed a laugh and told him she was fine. He went to say something else when Mitch told him it was his turn. Her side grew cold as he took his arm away, walking away to the pool table to take his shot. She avoided Archie’s burning stare as one apology from one man who also had stood her up was enough for today. Chop stood back and let Mitch take his shot, Rae moved forward and joined Chop’s side, “Where’s old bothered balls then?" 

"Here,” Spoke a voice. He moved round her to grab the glass off the side of the pool table. She turned to him, he had now shed his jacket and she noticed the dark grey, crew neck jumper. He looked so warm and soft, she wanted to bury her face into the fabric. She would have to start with an apology on her own behalf first, “Finn, can I talk to you?” He didn’t even look at her and it hurt. His brows were furrowed deeply, two little creases appearing.  He downed the clear liquid, grimacing. He then slammed his glass down, making sure she knew her presence was not going to be acknowledged any further than that little ‘Here’,  "Am off the bar, anyone need anything?“ After everyone declined, he left them; but could feel her following him. 

He approached the bar and as she followed him, Rae noticed how different the club looked when it was empty. It was lot more grubbier in dark daylight - it kind of reminded her of the bar in 'It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia’. Finn held two fingers up to the bar man as he mouthed "Tequila”, he felt his side grow warm but he didn’t turn. He couldn’t let her know.

“You alright?” Her words were quiet and timid. 

“Suppose,” Is all he could say with a shrug.

The drinks were placed in front of  him. He was a very good friend of the owner, and an old “Business partner” The connection was the only reason the gang came to The Basement as it was a free drinks card. He didn’t bother with the lime and salt, he picked up the two shots and held one in front of Rae. He nodded at it and she eyed it with a frightened and confused stare. He huffed with impatience, “It’s not poison, Rae, it’s tequila,” He couldn’t help the little smile curl up at the corners of his mouth as she grimaced, “Might as well be,” The two knocked back the shot, Rae gagged and he just slammed his glass down; asking for two more before he rested his arms over the bar in a relaxed manner.

“No, no more shots. Finn, you know why I’m here,” She said as she placed her own shot glass down on the bar.

He ignored her and although most people would get the hint, Rae continued, “Look, am sorry I was such a bitch. I was just a little surprised and to be honest, I was fucking fuming. But, I did over react and well, I’m sorry," 

"Don’t apologise, you can’t help being a brat,”

Her mouth fell open. Her? A brat? She wasn’t a brat, she had every right to be angry and react the way she did. She stood in silence, unable to conjure up a reaction. The only sound to be heard was their friends, the low and chilled out music and the click and clanks of the balls. How she could even stand there and beg him with her eyes for him to accept her apology, beg someone so utterly annoying? He was stunning, that was a given, with an arse Rae wanted to bite into like a violent dog. But he was so big headed, so miserable, so self-

“Stop staring at me, it freaks me out.” He snapped, he had just finished off his third shot of tequila - taking the third one which was meant for Rae after he asked her over and over did she want it and was answered with a zoned out stare. 

“I’m not staring at you,” She blurted out. 

“Right, whatever.” His shot glass came down just a little too harshly on the bar.  
Growing annoyed, she then pressed, “I know you don’t like me, Finn, but can we at least just be civil with each other?”

“You really think if I didn’t like you I would have tried to apologise with an apology that cost me three hundred quid?”

He tutted at himself, shaking his head. The news alarmed Rae, if she had known that then she wouldn’t have shoved them in her bag the way she did. She was surprised that he hadn’t asked where they were, he probably presumed they were in the bin and was probably too scared to hear whether his money had gone down the drain or not. 

“I didn’t ask you to buy me those flowers,” She hadn’t mean to be so rude, but she was right. She hadn’t asked for flowers, all she had asked for was a phone call or a text. The flowers felt tainted to her now. She pulled her bag to round her front, unzipping it harshly. She yanked out the flowers and slammed them onto the bar, a petal fell and it made him wince,

“Take them back. I don’t want them because for as long as I have those flowers you will keep throwing it back in my face, I know you will,”  
His face remained blank, but a fire blazed in his eyes. He stared at them, his warning tone matched the one he used in the car the other day, “Put them back in your bag, Rae.”

“No.”

His palm now itched as he so badly wanted to run a hand over her creamy backside, the first 'No’ Would have earned a gentle palming on her left arse cheek before he’d bring his hand down. _Who did he think he was, Mr Grey?_ A smile curled up at the corners of his mouth, but it wasn’t the usual sweet and flirty one that she knew. It unnerved her, he scoffed a laugh before he turned to her,

“What?" 

"I said no, I don’t want them. Take them back," 

_Another smack._

He gave a little nod, shoulder shrug and pouted as if to say; _Alright, that’s how you want to be_. He swiped his double whisky and coke before he pushed himself off the bar and moved over to her, closing the gap. She flinched as he raised a hand, but relaxed slightly when she felt his soft thumb rubbing along her bottom lip, wiping the excess bits of tequila she had failed to get with the back of her sleeve. He then spoke, his voice was deeper than usual, "Don’t make me tell you again,” He then brushed past her, rejoining their friends.

_And one for good luck._

Rae then could finally breathe. She felt her legs wobble, she felt heavy. Was this how he always behaved to get his way? Dominating and frightening? It was strange to her how his calmer and quieter tone frightened her more than him shouting would have. As much as she wanted to leave the flowers on the bar, she found herself tucking them away. She zipped her bag up, securing them. She turned and walked over to their friends, ignoring his dark and smug stare towards her that he bestowed as he drank his drink - he had watched her put the flowers back in her bag and couldn’t help but be smug at getting his own way.

A drink the colour of blue was shoved into her hands by Izzy and Rae sipped at it. She suddenly felt ill as Chloe’s words echoed in Rae’s mind;

_“He’ll turn, you watch.”_


	8. Chapter 8

Rae took a sip of her hot coffee as she gazed out of the window, onto the streets of Stamford. It was now the following Wednesday and as Rae took Wednesday’s off; she decided to spend this one in the local cafe - book in front and a coffee in hand. She had come recluse in the last few days, even her conversations with her mum were short and cold. Her life suddenly had a schedule, she’d time going to certain places in town; knowing her friends had just left or wouldn’t be walking around there the same time. 

On her lunch breaks and days off she would take solace in the cafe - where she now sat drinking the remaining dregs of her drink and her nose in her book. She ignored the phone calls and the texts, she just needed to keep her head down as she couldn’t hang around with them - not if it meant seeing that smug face again.

She heard the empty chair opposite her scrape along the floor and the sound of a tray being placed upon the table. She peeked over her book to see Finn, now jacket draped across the back of his chair and drinking from his own mug along with a fresh coffee in front of her; a big slice of cake on a plate in between them - it was covered in a rich brown butter icing with chocolate flakes on top. It looked like a heart-attack on a plate.

She went back to her book, not once looking up as she asked, “What?" 

"I bought some cake,”

“No thanks, I already ate.”

“I can see that,” A deep, low chuckle was heard. It was in reference to the table that was clear of any wrappers; the clear space didn’t exactly support the lie. She heard him sigh darkly and it took all of her willpower not to put her book down and tell him to ‘fuck off’,

“Are you going to continue being childish or am I gonna have to take that book off you?" 

She remained silent and continued to keep her nose stuck right in her book. But she wasn’t actually reading, the handsome man sat before her prevented any of the words absorbing into her mind. Two fingers came into view as did Finn as he snatched it away, she sat there with her mouth open; too shocked to protest. She watched as he took the bookmark off of the table, placing it gently between the two open pages. He shut the book and placed it softly on the floor, he sat back and folded his arms before breathing a laugh, "You know you look like a codfish when you do that?” He then leaned forward and closed her mouth which still hung open before leaning back and searching her face for any expression other than shocked.

“You look nice.”

Rae’s lips grimaced into a thin line as she tried to stop herself from shyly smiling and blushing… Again, but this time she wasn’t alone. For the first time in Finn’s company, his voice had faltered and he looked nervous. His cheeks had gone a little rosy and he struggled to keep her gaze, but he still managed to possess a cool charm that outshone everything else. She rolled her eyes and now sat back, mirroring his position, "Instead of charming me with cake and compliments, why don’t you just tell me what you want? And if it’s the word sorry then don’t bother.” He eyed her from underneath his lashes before the 'Finn’ Smirk toyed with the corners of his mouth, “Well, then I’m here to apologize,”

“That’s a sorry.”

“You said the word, not the meaning.”

That she did. It was her turn to display at playful little smile before she then jokingly quipped, “Alright, come then. Get it over with,”

There was no amusement on his lips nor teasing shine in his eyes, he was completely serious. He leaned forward and linked his hands together on the table, as if him leaning forward showing he meant business, “I’m just gonna come right out with it, I want us to start over. I want us to be mates, well, we don’t have to be mates mates but I want us to be something more than this,” He moved his hand back and forward between them in referral of the invisible tension, “Basically, I want to wave the white flag. And also I wanted to apologise for my behaviour at The Basement, I haven’t acted like that in a while and I was totally out of order and you were right, you didn’t ask for flowers and I had no right in making you keep them and for that, am sorry,”

She could tell by the way he now nervously bit at his thumbnail and continually glanced between her and the table he was anxious for her to accept the apology - and she could tell his pride was slowly dying bit by bit. She couldn’t let the poor boy suffer and although she wasn’t going to excuse behaviour she crumbled,

“Fine.”

“Fine?”

“Yes, fine.”

His overgrown but still perfectly groomed brows knitted together, his jaw locked in fury and she could see the temper beginning to rise, “Fine? I’ve just been dead nice, apologizing and all you can say is fine?” He asked, his tone incredulous. She wasn’t going to be fazed and she outstretched a hand, her voice monotone; growing bored of this conversation, “Yes, _fine_. Now, can I have my book back?” He sat back, crossing his arms over his chest. He pouted his bottom lip as he shrugged and shook his head, “No.”

She gave him a once over before scoffing, her eyes widening, “Alright, fine, if you want to be like that.” There was that word again, the word that before Finn had met her he never gave a second thought; now it was going to be a word that irritated him. Her face disappeared from out of sight before she came back up from the under the table, sitting back and opening her book. Due to having long legs; she sneakily had pulled her book across the floor with her foot with ease during his apologising - knowing once his apology was over he would still be stubborn and not give her it back. He was impressed with how stealthy that little movement was.

Rae was overcome with a mixture of flattery and embarrassment that she let his words effect her so easily. No wonder so many women had fallen victim to his charm, well, she presumed it was many women anyway. Thirty minutes or so passed and they had cleared their mugs and the plate, filling out the time in between bites and sips with random and mindless conversation - Rae had now even put down her book at this point and as the longer their conversation went on, a brick would be taken down one sentence at a time.

He wanted ask her so many things, he wasn’t one for small talk when it was just him and somebody he liked. He wanted to talk about aliens or what was the best sentence in a book they had ever read or even what was their favourite memory from childhood - none of this 'Ooh isn’t the weather terrible today’ Kind of shite. But, as he wasn’t good with words; the small talk was the best he was going to get. The questions were there; his social skills weren’t. For as long as he could remember, the only words that Finn knew to speak to women were either “Do you wanna come back to mine?” Or short and one word answers if he didn’t have an interest. So, this was new to him; buying flowers and apologising and wanting to find out how somebody’s brain tick - it scared him a little. This was something that you did with a girlfriend, not a friend who happened to be a girl. As he was an Aquarius, yes Finn read his horoscopes, he knew his sign wasn’t traditionally compatible with Rae’s 'Scorpio’ - he found that out one day in the pub - But that was what interested him, the clash of the signs, the unpredictability. He liked a challenge. Finn was willing to do something he had never done before; he was willing to try.   
  


His phone rang out, breaking up their conversation. He grimaced as he saw the name on the phone, he held up a finger and turned away from her; keep it private. 

As his tones were low, she was unable to catch the full sentences, only the odd word or two,

 _“No…. Yes… I’m not busy.”_ And some other words were grumbled and mumbled. He locked his phone as the call came to an end and turned back to her. He couldn’t help showing his disappointment as he stated, “I’m sorry but I’ve gotta go, my mate needs me,” The two began to stack away their stuff onto the tray, before rising out of their seats and shrugging their coats on. The two exchanged shocked glances as a hard rain suddenly began to lash violently against the window, Rae let out a whine, “The only day I forget my umbrella,” She tutted at herself and shook her head as she threw her bag over her shoulder. 

He saw the opportunity and he took it, “Am going past your’s, do you want a lift?”

She wanted to say no, as although they were alone together in the cafe; there were still people around. In a car there was locks… Just them two… He had full control if she were to say yes. As he wasn’t a boy who took no well, would he be the same if he attempted something and she turned him down? She mentally scolded herself, she had been in his car alone with him before and he never tried anything then; so what difference would now make? She took a look at the rain outside and decided to put her fears aside, a ten minute journey wouldn’t do her any harm.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————-  
“Me mate Louie is throwing some mad do Friday and I’ve asked the others and they’re game, so, are you up for it?” The heat that blew from the air-con felt lovely on her soaked skin, the two were drenched to the bone as they had been caught in the downfall. She nodded and said to text her the time and stuff. She then said, “And listen, thanks again for the cake and coffee and you know, the chat.” He told her it wasn’t a problem and it was his pleasure. A tension then grew strong as she lingered before she moved forward. Her movements were gentle and slow, like a timid deer approaching a foreign object. 

She planted a soft kiss upon his damp but surprisingly warm cheek.  
She didn’t want to wait for his reaction and quickly left the car. Once she was out of sight did he then hold his head in his hands, letting out a groan. He rubbed his face before he sat back in his seat and muttered, “You’re an idiot, Finn,” He then put the car in motion and left the street. 

Her perfume and the sweet, smell of her skin kept him company on his drive. Although her body was there when she was in the car, she still felt miles away. As although they had called a truce; he still knew she was scared of him. He wish he could take the encounter at The Basement back, but he couldn’t. And it was now going to forever be there, rearing it’s ugly head whenever the two would be alone.

He pulled in down the narrow, side street - any smaller and it’d be classed as an alleyway. Finn pulled up onto the curb and looked out his window, if it weren’t for Mitch outside the door - smoking a cigarette - then he’d be sure he had got the wrong place. If by discreet Louie meant dark, murky and falling apart before your eyes then discreet was what Louie had found. 

Finn climbed out and wandered across the street, locking his car behind him. He gave Mitch a small and brief head nod before making his way inside. His squinted as his eyes attempted to adjust to the darkness, he slowly walked down the corridor; his hand gripping the wall as an attempt to keep him upright in case he fell - it felt rough and hard underneath the pads of his fingers. He pushed open the door before him and wandered further into the abandoned office building. Heavy fluorescent lighting was now Finn’s source of guidance; the light a pathetic attempt of a replica of the sun. 

The inside was a shit hole. Cracks in the paint of the walls, grubby floors and smashed windows. The odd piece of paperwork scattered along the floor. Finn glanced around, snarling in disgust. “Well there is he, right on time as promised,” A voice spoke. Finn turned towards the little balcony; steps leading up towards it. 

His friend Louie, a stocky but well built man, had now come out from the door behind him and leaned with his hands on the railing.  
Finn greeted his friend with a head nod, he glanced around the building before reaching Louie. Louie now stood with out stretched arms and a Cheshire-cat grin, he proudly looked around the place before looking at Finn; who asked a confused but unimpressed, “What?”

His arms then fell and he huffed, speaking to Finn as if Finn was of the slow side, “This! What do you reckon?!” Finn looked around and scoffed, “To be honest, Louie, it’s a bit of a shit hole.”

“Ah, see! That’s what I love about you, Finn, you don’t bullshit. You don’t… Fuck about.” Finn knew his friend was up to something. It made his shoulders droop a little with dread. He followed Louie up the steps after being called and told to come through. He entered the makeshift office, equipped with nothing but two chairs and a desk. Louie was now already at his chair behind the desk, eagerly waiting for his friend. Finn closed the door behind him before walking over, nodding towards one of Louie’s “Workers” Who stood in the corner, hands crossed over his crotch and his lips in a thin, hard line. 

Finn took up the empty chair, almost instantly being offered a beer by Louie. He took it gratefully and sipped at it, the liquid crisp and cold.   
“Now, onto what I’ve brought you here for. Listen, I need a favour. I know you’re out the game but I thought to myself, who was the best. Who was the one person who I could trust? You. Like I said I know you’re out of the game bu-”

“Get to the point.”

Louie opened one of the drawers before he pulled out a small, see-through wallet of six, little white pills. He tossed the wallet onto the desk, it landed in front of Finn. Finn wasn’t impressed, it showed as he eyed the pills. He then looked back at his friend,

“Louie, no.”

“Come on, please.”

“I don’t do it anymore, I’ve told you this.”

“I know, I know. I just said that but look, few of me best lads have pulled out last minute and you’re the best dealer I know of - well you were the best. You could sell glitter coloured shit back in your prime, I just need you to shift these for me. Just this one night,”

Finn’s hard stare lingered on his friend before he snatched the wallet off of the desk, ignoring Louie’s eager and yet smug smile. Finn pulled out one of the pills, asking as he eyed the little, white rabbit that was imprinted on the front, “Are they legit?” He looked at Louie, who took a quick swig of his beer before proudly stating, “Course! Just got them sent straight from the Dam this morning!" 

Finn exhaled deeply, frustration now the main expression he displayed, "How much?”

“Those are free, when they go come find me and I’ll give you more. After them six it’s fifteen quid.”

Finn knew from the cheap price; they were dodgy. Louie was a tight arse and if he was 100% sure they were authentic then they’d be no cheaper than twenty-five. But still Finn found himself placing the tablet back in it’s wallet before shoving the plastic into his pocket, admitting the defeat with a curt, “Fine.”  
There was that word again and there was her face flashing in his mind. Again.


	9. Chapter 9

The heavy burden of the pills burned a invisible hole in his coat pocket. He hated that he had agreed to do it, although he passed on drugs for other people - he didn’t sell them anymore. And yes, there was a difference. The difference was with passing on drugs meant he could pass on word someone had something and he’d make a little profit for helping without having to touch anything; as where actually selling meant he had the drugs in his possession - reminding him that this was the life he was destined for. No matter how many times he said no. He would’ve liked, no in fact loved, to have said no and stuck by it. But Louie wasn’t somebody you said no to. 

His guilt showed as he drove silently to pick the others up, Rae already by his side. As she attempted to get a conversation out of him; her attempts failed miserably as he would barely mumble one word answers. He could tell she was hurt by his lack of talk; and he so badly wanted to tell her that it wasn’t her fault. But he couldn’t tell her, not directly anyway. He’d rather her hear of it through when he told the gang that he had some pills for them - it would soften the blow.

One by one he picked them up and the four squeezed in the back and even grumpy Finn couldn’t help but smile, their joyous and excited vibes were infectious. Before they took motion; Finn pulled out the clear little wallet of pills out his pocket, “Louie has asked me to pass you these so you’s could try them and if you like them then let me know,” He passed them out to his friends in the back and Rae swiped her’s, just as she went to knock it back he said, panicking, “Whoa whoa whoa, you don’t know what’s in that yeah?!”

Too late. She gagged and coughed; earning laughs, before she then said to him, “Jesus, who are you my fucking mum? Listen it’s the weekend and I’m gonna have some fun, so you need to chill out. Granddad.” Her eyes narrowed into two slits; she was really beginning to test his patience. Finn eyed her before scoffing, putting the car into motion,

“So, who’s on tonight?” Asked Izzy. Her mouth fell open when Finn told them it’d be Oliver Heldens playing,   
“Oliver Heldens? The same Oliver Heldens who does Heldeep Radio and created the song Gecko?" 

"The very same.” Finn’s tone was monotone, he wasn’t fased by the dj as he had met him on numerous occasions as he was a long time pal of Louie’s - Louie had even had Oliver play at a house party he once hosted.

As the four chatted animatedly in the back about their excitement Rae then glanced at the packet which contained the remaining pill in Finn’s lap, “Aren’t you having your’s?” He shook his head which Chop chimed in, “Here are if you’re not having it I will,” Finn didn’t even glance at his mate as he threw the wallet over his shoulder. After Chop swallowed the pill; he banged Finn’s seat excitedly before hollering, “Let’s fucking do this, come onnn!” Another fit of laughter and cheer erupted between the gang; even Finn let out a deep chuckle. 

Once they pulled up and parked, then climbing out, they went straight past the cue - earning a few glares from the shivering and anxious line. They all greeted Mitch as they were let in to the building. They were led down the dark corridor before making their way to the dance floor. Finn was in awe with how different it looked compared to the dark and musty building he previously saw. A huge sound system, a large and looming screen with moving graphics that flashed “OLIVER HELDENS” Had been set up, which were accompanied by a stage and four decks. 

People shuffled about as the crowd was becoming restless. Rae looked down at her own attire as she looked at other passing girls; their skimpy, rave clothes made Rae shiver just looking at them. She looked at Chloe’s attire; a black cropped top with long sleeves - the bell sleeves gave off a 60s vibe - her black shorts with frayed bottoms complimented her long, tanned and tonned legs and her little black, spiked detailed bum bag tied the outfit all together. Rae never saw the fuss with girls and bum bags at festivals and raves, but now she could see why they were so popular - enough space for all your essentials and gave you free hands so you could move as much as you wished. Despite how tacky they looked. 

Finn then spoke in her ear, “Listen, I’ve just gotta go see Louie but if any trouble starts or you feel funny then am just up there,” He pointed up at the little balcony that led to Louie’s “Office.” She looked from the spot and then back to Finn, panicking, “You’re not staying?” The only sober one of the group being away from her made her anxious, he shook his head and she could see he felt just as uneasy as she did at him leaving her side, “I can’t, but look, you’re gonna be alright. I’ll only be up there,” And before she could protest, he walked away; his figure disappeared into the crowd.

“Ooh, here we go, boys!” Archie shouted. The real life Oliver Heldens walked onto the stage and a roar was heard. The wavy beats blared out the speakers and the place grew dark before the strobe lights began to flash. Although moving in their own way; the crowd moved in sync. The bass vibrated through their chests and the floor shook as people stomped and stepped. 

  
“ _Baby, make your move… Step across the line…_ ” Was heard and the roars of cheers and whistles sounded once more. As the beat began to progress slowly everyone began to anxiously shuffle as they wanted for the first drop of the set. It built and built before it was dropped followed by a wavy, techo beat. Rae giggled as she watched Chop; he looked as if he were made of rubber the way his legs and arms moved. He bounced in between his friends, screaming a “Fuck off!” In referral to how ‘heavy’ The drop was. Rae felt the pill begin to kick in and she found herself moving. She noticed the popular move between the girls in the crowd was something that Rae could only describe as, “Looking like you were trying to work a lawnmower with a broken back.” But she couldn’t deny the movement was infectious. 

Archie and Chop faced each other, getting low and as another beat dropped they bounced back up and moved wildly even more. Although Rae wasn’t one for the modern day EDM beats; she had to admit that Oliver Heldens was one of the best and his mixes made you feel warm and happy. A silent truce was spoke between Rae and Archie, and between the pill and the bass; Archie had found himself behind Rae and his hands wrapped her shoulders as they danced together, he sung in her ear and she joined along. Although what happened between the two was not forgotten, tonight it was going to be dusted under the rug - no point in bringing it up and ruining everyone’s night. It could be dealt with tomorrow. She broke away from him and moved over to Chop, getting down low with him and copying some of the absurd moves he displayed. He was on his own little planet, he dragged his bottom lip between his teeth as his eyes squeezed shut as he moved his arms wildly back and forth; he was in a world of pure ecstasy. He found at these kind of do’s there was no point in just standing around and waving your hands, he found you either go big or go home. He knew this set list off by heart, singing to the words and knowing the beatdrops, as it was the exact same set list Oliver had done at last year’s Ultra Music Festival. 

The pill was really starting to wave it’s way through her system and Rae felt warmth spread across her body - like fireworks in mid winter. No matter how much sweat dripped from her and no matter how much her body begged her to stop; she just could not stop dancing. She then shouted to Chloe, “I fucking love pills,” In which Chloe could only laugh and nod at. The little white pill with a rabbit on lived up to it’s name as it most certainly made you move like a rabbit.   
Kendo had now joined them and he had entered their little circle doing a mad little dance which their gang threw their hands up and cheered at. His mouth moved rapidly up and down as he chomped down on a piece of gum, and his head moved from side to side in time to the beat. 

Rae noted the sunglasses and frowned. Why was he wearing sunglasses, in a dark room? But she had noticed a good handful were wearing the same and it appeared to be a popular accessory. The first pill’s high was wearing off a little and she could feel her body begin to cramp. That high wasn’t very long, no more than twenty minutes it lasted. She moved over to Kendo and asked in his ear, “Have you got anything?” He nodded and pulled out another clear packet of the same tablet, he pulled one out and passed it over - his head unable to stop moving to the beat. She then asked how much in which he breathed out a laugh and shouted, “Don’t be soft, you’re Tommy’s baby sister. As long as you knock about with me everything is free!” She beamed , nodding a thanks before she knocked it back and returned to moving and shuffling.

Rae’s eyes glanced from her mates to up to the balcony, Finn was watching her as he stood by, who she presumed to be Louie, awaiting for any sign of trouble. He leaned forward with his forearms on the railing and he tilted his beer bottle towards her in which she smirked at before turning back to her mates. Kendo placed his forefinger and thumb between his teeth and whistled before his fists pumped. As the DJ spoke “Woop there it is” Over the microphone, the crowd sang back. He stopped the music for a brief moment and the words were screamed before the beat kicked back in again and the words slowly faded between the crowd. Chloe took Rae’s hands in her’s and held them above their heads, the two moving together. It was a rave and a half. Rae let go of Chloe’s hands to dance on her own and her eyes glanced around the circle and she watched with a huge smile as her friends moved wildly but the smile soon changed as she noticed their figure’s suddenly twitch, almost as if they were a real life glitch. Was Rae sure she had seen right? Maybe it was just the lighting…

The beat changed to a more rapid, dubstep type of vibe and Rae widened her eyes, shaking her head. She shook the neck of her t-shirt a little as she felt the heat becoming unbearable. She winced as her back began to cramp and her chest grew tight before she pushed through it, forcing a smile at Chloe who looked at her. The glitch effect became more apparent now as more people surrounded themselves around Rae. Rae could feel the panic begin, her jaw swung violently as if she were chewing a piece of gum and she couldn’t breathe. One minute the crowd would be moving fast, almost as if sped up with a remote, before slowed down again - moving in and out of focus.The figures around her were now shaking violently, but it was her eyes - not the actual crowd.

Finn watched from the balcony, he couldn’t stop the little wiggle in his hips and the small bobbing of his head. He looked at his friend beside him and let out a laugh at the sight, Louie was in full party mode. He too now had a pair of sunglasses on. He had both hands raised and bounced them up and down before lowering them and moving side to side. Finn moved his eyes from his friend and onto the crowd, shaking his head with a laugh and a swig of his beer.  Although in high spirits, he was still anxious - very anxious. The pill pushing had been passed onto Kendo and Louie decided Finn to be his bodyguard for the evening; basically someone who got him his drinks and someone who could he could hide behind if trouble kicked off. The separation from a drugged out Rae and himself made him feel on edge. The worry of anything happening to her knotted his stomach, he would never forgive himself if someone who was equally drugged came and tried to attack her or the dodgy pill sent her body into a shock - something happening and he couldn’t get there in time tortured his mind.  

“Who’s that you keep looking at?” Louie shouted over the music, pointing towards Rae.

“Just me mate why?" 

"If I know you like I think I do then I think you’re lying, Finnley, you ain’t stopped staring at her and plus I’ve got eyes everywhere who’s told me otherwise. She’s nice looking! Go for it!" 

He looked at his friend as if to say, 'are you serious?’

Louie gave him a cocky grin before knocking back another pill and roaring, "When in the rave cave, my friend, when in the rave cave!" 

Finn adjusted his hair as Louie had just ruffled it. His eyes returned to surveying the crowd before landing on his mates. He straightened up, alarmed; his free hand gripped the railing. He watched as Rae looked around helplessly before she went to drop the floor - which Chloe luckily caught her before she did. He watched as Chloe threw her arm around her mate; taking her outside - Izzy following them. Finn’s attention turned to Chop, who waved wildly at him over the jumping, whistling and cheering crowd that moved jittery under the flashing lights before pointing towards the direction of Rae. Finn threw his drink into Louie’s hands and ran down the stairs, pushing through the crowd as fast as the sweating bodies and his legs would allow him. 

He reached Archie and Chop, Kendo nowhere in sight, and shouted over the noise, "What’s happened?!” Chop shouted, “Dunno, she was alright one minute then just collapsed!” He gave his friend a shoulder shrug, Finn’s jaw tightened and he pushed through the crowd; towards the exit. He shoved and pushed people out the way, shouting the odd, “Fucking move!” He felt a hand clutch the back of his coat and he glanced over his shoulder to see Archie and Chop.

The cold air was a refreshing, wake up call compared to the heated, fogged inside. Finn and the two lads glanced around before their eyes landed on an anxious Chloe and Izzy. Finn’s eyes then fell to Rae, who was sat on the floor against the wall; slumped. Chloe was bent down in front of her, panicking as she attempted to wake Rae. Finn shot forward, pushing Chloe out the way as he bent down. Chloe stood up and stepped back in a huff, 

“Rae? Rae! Can you hear me?!” He shook her but she remained unresponsive. “Should we phone an ambulance?!” Squeaked Izzy, the gang all roared a “No!” In unison. Chop then scolded her, “No, you dive. If we do that then police will come,” His jaw would not stop rattling. Finn then rose and ran a hand through his hair, “As much as I hate to admit it, Chop’s right. It’s too risky,” He glanced between the gang and Rae before giving a little nod, eyes widening as a plan began to form and he attempted to settle his nerves; not wanting to scare the others, “Right ok,” He then turned back and crouched in front of Rae again, “Someone help me take her jacket off, we’ve gotta keep her as cool as we can,” It was already below freezing but Finn could feel the heat radiating off of her. As he and Chop pulled off her jacket, tossing it to Chloe, Finn caught her just before her body completely laid flat out on the floor. He sat her upright once more, “Anyone have any water?” A water bottle was shoved in his hands and he unscrewed the lid, he opened Rae’s mouth and slowly poured a little water in but as Rae couldn’t swallow; it just dribbled down her t-shirt. He wiped it away with his sleeve before passing the bottle back to Chloe. 

He pulled Rae up, taking on her weight and leaning her into his side with her arm over his shoulder, “Am gonna take her back to mine, Chop, do us a favour and let Louie know what’s happened and tell him I’ll ring him tomorrow,” Off Chop’s nod, Finn then began to walk; carefully as he could.

He was pulled back by Chloe, who had been frightened into sobriety and was now fully aware of the situation; she was now pale as a sheet and eyes were wide with fear, the jacket cradled in her arms like a baby, “Finn, she is gonna be alright, isn’t she?” That, he didn’t know. Pills were different with everybody and no matter how much you cooled a person down, kept them upright to prevent them from choking on their own sick and fed them water; sometimes it just wasn’t enough. He nodded, speaking in an attempt of reassurance to not only her but himself, “Course she is,” He went to walk away, when she pulled him back once more and he huffed with impatience; Rae was beginning to grow really heavy and he just wanted to get her in the car, “You promise?”

“I promise.”  
————————————————————————————————————————————-  
It was a struggle to get Rae out the car, as she was now a complete and utter dead weight; Finn had asked Orla to come help keep her up and help carry her upstairs. Once he got her in his room they laid her onto her side and Finn pulled out a loose, cotton t-shirt and some pajama bottoms. He told Orla to change her as soon as before then leaving for the living room. He was a bag of nerves and needed a spliff. 

After building the creation over his old shoe box upon the table; his hands rattled and bits of weed and tobacco flicked out. A pair of slim and long fingers came into view, the joint was taken off of him. Ola sat down on the couch and softly spoke, “Let me do it.” Finn was unable to look at her, chewing on his barely there thumbnail, “Is… Is she alright?” He slowly looked at Orla, he couldn’t bare the thought of anything happening to Rae; knowing he could’ve prevented it if he had just said no. He felt his shoulders slump in relief, “Yeah, gave her some water, opened the window, put her phone on charge for her and she’s fast asleep. She’s gonna be alright, Finn," 

"Do you think we need to take her the hospital?”

“No, you know better than anyone that, that moment you walk through that hospital door you’ll be dragged to the police station as you know how funny they are with you. They won’t even listen to your side of it, and anyway they’ll do basically what we’re doing now as that’s all they can do. Give her water and keep her cool, stop worrying.”

It was easier said than done as Finn was a worrier. He had suffered from terrible anxiety for years and situations like this sent him into a panic for days - even after being repeatedly reminded that there was nothing to worry about. Back in his dealing days things like this used to happen all the time at one of Louie’s do’s, a kid took a dodgy pill and would end up dropping like a fly - and Finn wouldn’t even give them a second glance. He’d tell their mates that it was the kid’s own fault and they shouldn’t have took it if they knew they couldn’t handle it. But this was Rae. Rae with the lovely, long Raven hair that always smelt of coconut and the shiniest and biggest brown eyes that held such an innocence to them. This was entirely different as this was one of his own, her death would be something he’d have to carry around with him forever.

He had to remind himself that Orla was right. He was known in the hospital and the moment he would walk, well dragged, Rae through that hospital door - she’d be taken away from him and he’d be escorted off to the police station. Even though he had technically done nothing wrong, the police wouldn’t hear of it - his history too against him. Plus, if Orla said she was fine then Rae was fine, if Rae was in such a bad way then he knew Orla wouldn’t lie and would tell him to take her and deal with the consequences of showing up to the hospital later. 

He took the lit joint off Orla gratefully, taking a long drag. He didn’t smoke weed on the regular as it made his anxiety worse if he smoked it daily, but in emergencies like this - it was needed. Not that he’d let Rae know he smoked it now and again.

Oh God, Rae. His nerves jittered again and his hands shook once more. Would she hate him for this? Would it take him two steps back with her again? Would she blame him? So many questions ran through his mind and once the spliff was finished; he rose out of his seat. He told Orla that he was going to bed and he took a pan with him. Just incase. He had only recently had his floors washed, and white floorboards stained very easily. 

His footsteps were quiet and his body was tense. He opened the door slowly and his body relaxed at the sight. Rae laid on her side, facing the direction of the wall but her body lay furthest to the bedside table - he was happy that she wasn’t on his side. His side was his side. He was weird over little things like that. He quietly and carefully closed the door behind him before approaching her side of the bed. 

_Her side of the bed. Her side of the bed. **Her side of the bed.**_

He placed the pot softly on the floor, right next to her, before moving to the chest of drawers underneath the tv. Due to the only light in the room was the orange glow of the outside streetlamp that peeked through his blinds; his attempt of being no louder than a field mouse was proving to be a lot more difficult than given. He shed his clothes, pulling his t-shirt over his head in one swift movement followed by his jeans; bundling them up and chucking them into the wooden wash basket that was sat in the corner. From the chest of drawers he pulled his favourite pair of grey, Nike sweatpants and threw them on. He paused, like a rabbit in headlights, as Rae let out a strange, strangled snore. He relaxed when he heard a soft, content sigh followed by gentle breathing.

As his bed was one of those that practically sat on the floor; he crouched down before slowly climbing on to it - scared to move too much in case he woke her. Once he was settled, he searched around the bed before his hands landed on the remote. He turned the tv on and put it on very low; so low he had to switch on the subtitles. He couldn’t concentrate on the television and the only thing that seemed to be on his mind was the beautiful girl beside him.

This, although the circumstances were not, felt natural to him. The way her body molded into the bed fitted perfectly. Her breathing and light snores that he heard beside him sounded natural - that’s all it felt. Natural. He could picture this being something he would come home to after a late night training session at the gym or when he had to creep in after doing something with Kendo in which he’d wake her up; pining for a cuddle. He wanted this. His bed had felt so empty for so long that he knew the moment Rae left it in the morning; he would miss the company instantly and his bed wouldn’t feel the same anymore. He sat up against his headboard, the quilt only covering his lower half, he looked down at Rae and couldn’t help but smile. She was here and she was safe. He moved his hand to her face and pushed the hair that covered it out the way, gently moving it over her shoulder. He let out a low and brief laugh at her parted lips and squashed face. The tranquil look was infectious and he couldn’t help but feel at peace himself the longer he stared. This, this is what he wanted. He was tired of the random girls and lonely, late nights. He was tired of coming home and not being asked how his day was before fucking his stress of the days away. That led to another thought that had crossed his mind on numerous occasions when in her presence; sex. Sex to him had become repetitive and bland, something to do when he was bored. But now he knew it would be something different with Rae if the day ever came. As her being a virgin; he knew he would now have to be gentle and slow - not rampant and rough. He had went through many a girl, trying to find that connection; but it was never found. Although he knew that there was a chance that it may not be as magical as he imagined; he was still curious. He was eager to try. He just hoped he wasn’t getting ahead himself and he wasn’t going to face something he had knew all his life;

Rejection.


	10. Chapter 10

All she could feel was dread, a similar dread that you’d feel when you had heard somebody close had died, that and a splitting headache. Her eyes were heavy and she shut them once more as she winced at the burning sunlight that poured through the blinds, but once seeing the blinds were unfamiliar did her eye’s shoot back open - surrendering to the light. Her eyes moved around the room; trying to get a hint on who’s it was. 

A majority of the room was white, but still had hint’s of black and grey. The bed was a low one, practically sitting on the floor; if it weren’t for the black, wooden bedframe then it’d be just a mattress. The size of the room was not large but most certainly not small - somewhere in between that it could be classed as cosy but a touch airy. On the floor was white, wooden floorboards - the cleanest white Rae had ever seen. So white it stung her eyes. The wardrobe before her was long, with no doors - the male clothes hung up on a long and metal pole. Underneath the clothes were shoes neatly lined up as they stood along black, glossed drawers. On the floor was a large, shaggy, black rug. Wrapped around the main light above was a oversized white,  ball-shaped paper covering. To her right was a small, white glossed bedside table - which sat a grey lamp and next to that was a black, leather armchair with one singular, lilac grey throw pillow. It was very feminine and simple considering men’s clothes hung up in the wardrobe.

Rae grew tense as she heard a yawn followed by scratching; it was now then she noticed the low noise of a television. She the peeked over her shoulder to see it was Finn. His tv remote laid across his chest. One hand behind his head and his other down his grey, tracksuit bottoms; the hand moved underneath the fabric as he gave himself a good scratch. The hand moved from underneath the pants and back up onto his stomach as he placed it lazily across, but Rae couldn’t stop staring at where it once lay - the large outline was hard to miss.

“You getting a good look in there?” Her eyes shot up to Finn’s face, his morning voice was rough and deep. He laughed before quipping a flirty, “Morning, Sunshine.” The tousled hair and the heavy eyes made Rae want to turn over and curl into his side. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks before she turned over onto her back and rose, sitting up slowly - luckily there was no feeling of nausea. Just that horrible feeling of dread. She exhaled with her eyes shut as she leaned against the headboard, “Before you tell me what happened, did I do anything to embarrass myself?” She cracked one eye open to find he was looking up at her, a closed mouth smile was displayed before he then shook his head, “Nah, you just went a bit funny off the tablet and to be honest you were too out of it to do anything.”

“Oh, right.” Her eyes were now open and her words were small. She fell silent, as did he and the two lazily watched an episode of The Simpsons - She found it rather cute that he watched morning cartoons. Rae then looked down at her attire, an oversized white tee and a pair of plaid pajama bottoms. Had he dressed her? The thought of him seeing her bare made her cringe and panic,

“Finn, did you-”

“Orla did, it felt wrong me doing it so I asked her to. I would’ve left you in your clothes but I had to cool you down as you were boiling, hope that was ok?” He awaited for her to confirm, and although it still made her cringe with sheer embarrassment of someone she barely knew seeing her naked; she felt some of relief that it wasn’t him. She confirmed that this was ok and he relaxed once more. He then told her there was water on the side and so there was, she went to down it when he laid a hand on the pint glass,

“Sip it, pills stay in your system for forty-eight hours and you can drown on the inside if you drink anything too fast as it’s a shock to your system. Also, I’d give you a paracetamol but like I said the pills stay inside your body and although it’s common knowledge; it’s not a wise choice mixing your drugs. So, if you’ve got a headache then I’ve got some bad news for you.” He spoke to her but never looked at her and just kept his heavy gaze upon the telly. She took his advice and sipped the water, half of it gone before she felt satisfied. She placed the drink back on the side before she went to get out the bed, his hand caught her wrist; the grip was tight and desperate but not painful,

“Where are you going?”

“You’ve done enough for me, so, I’ll just grab my clothes and you know… Leave,” A bright and white, crooked smile shone up at her, “No, you’re gonna stay here and am gonna cook you breakfast. Been waiting for you to get up so I could get on with it. And I think it’s only polite that you stay and eat,” He looked up at her from his lashes, the playful and flirty tone made her reciprocate with a small, but just as playful, smile. Followed by a “Alright, if you insist." 

His eyes scanned her body and he tugged at the bottom of the t-shirt, "You look good in that,” She gave him a look which he just simply turned away at, returning his stare back to the television and flicking through the channels.   
She couldn’t understand how he could say such, such flirty and charming words and yet turn away like he had just asked her whether she wanted a cup of tea. It baffled her. The flirting was so easy with him, the words always rolled off his tongue so smoothly. He flicked off the television and rose out of bed, moving to on the floor and turning back to her; outstretching his hand. His jogging bottoms had now dipped a little lower on his hips; showing the rest of the ‘Snail trail’ Of hair - any further and it’d be the start of the pubic trail. Her eyes glanced from his outstretched hand to his face, “Come on,” She slowly took his hand and was hoisted to her feet with ease, their chests bumped. 

He then stuttered an apology before pointing at the door, now suddenly coy, “Right, breakfast,” He then left. Rae stood still, unsure of whether to move. He then popped his head back in and giggled, a more younger and child-like Finn appeared, “You can come through you know,” She then moved forward, her eyes fell to the floor as she followed behind - she was led into the living room before he split off into the kitchen. Her eyes followed him and then they fell to Orla who stood in nothing but a long, plaid pj shirt, building and rolling a joint on the kitchen side over an old shoe box. No surprise. 

Rae found herself crossing her arms over her chest as she gave Orla’s small frame a once over, her figure made Rae more and more envious every time she saw it. Another thing Rae was so envious of was how Orla wore heavy bags under her eyes and her hair threw into a mess on the top of her head and yet still managed to look a pretty picture. The hair out of her face now showed high and finely structured cheek bones and Rae now noticed the tragus and scaffold piercings that accumulated on her left ear - everything about this girl just screamed cool.

Rae took a seat on the couch, watching the two roommates - well she presumed they were roommates. Unless Orla was Finn’s bit on the side and they had fucked in another room whilst Rae was unconscious. Orla placed the unlit joint between her lips and picked up two cups of tea on the side, she made her way over to Rae and said through an occupied mouth, “Here are, missus.” Rae took the brew and Orla took a seat beside Rae, ripping the twisty bit off of the top of the joint before lighting it; exhaling as she sunk back into her seat. The joint rested between two long and slender fingers, and her brew was cupped in her hand. 

“Heard you had a bit of a rough one,” Orla pointed out, in attempt to relax the shy guest.

“Yeah, could say that and listen thanks for dressing me. Sorry if you saw… Well yeah, just, sorry,”

Orla felt her heart sink a little as she watched Rae’s embarrassed gaze fall to her brew, she then joked, an attempt to get a smile out of Rae, “It’s no problem and just so you know the tattoo’s a nice little touch,” She winked at Rae, who’s eyes widened before looking away. She missed Finn’s head shoot up from the cooker, which he currently manned, his own eyes widened as he turned back to the food. He shut his eyes as he painfully winced. Tattoos, no matter how big or how small as long as they were tasteful, were his weakness. He then glanced back at the girls to check he was safe before “Adjusting” Himself as an attempt to hide his semi on.

“Are we having the works or just bits then, ladies?” His voice cracked a little, squeaking as images of seeing Rae’s tattoo now flashed in his head. He cringed at himself, unable to control the hormones showing in his voice. Orla told him that she would have a bit of everything and Rae only wanted a sausage on toast; Finn had to mentally smack himself for thinking such a cringy and dirty thought that followed in referral to her order. Was the cooker suddenly really hot or was it just him? He needed to behave, he was a twenty one year old man - not a hormonal seventeen year old.

He made the food and then piled it onto the plates. Rae’s hollow belly grumbled at the smell of it, she placed the cup of tea upon the coffee table before he handed her plate and she only took delicate, little bites; not wanting to devour it the way she usually would. Finn passed Orla her’s before he then sat down on the little office chair, smothering his food with red sauce. Rae had a thing for men’s hands and so, the fact he was able to carry three plates, along with red and brown sauce more than an impressed her - his hands were one of Rae’s favourite things about him.

Rae’s bites were most certainly delicate compared to Orla and Finn’s; who ravished their meal no problem. She kept her eyes on her plate at all times, unable to meet their stares - but if she just looked up then she would see she was just being paranoid and that they weren’t judging her. They were too busy focused on their own. As the telly was off and only the radio played, Rae caught a glimpse of herself in the television screen - the black screen magnified her size and made her look twice the size of what she was. But it was enough to turn her stomach and she placed her plate back onto the table; leaving half of her delicious food.

Hoping they wouldn’t noticed, Rae then asked; her eyes darting about the place as she attempted to stop herself from staring at Finn’s finely built body, “So, how long have you two been living together?” It was an attempt to try and find out what the deal was. She held her breath as awaited the answer, her nerves settled as Orla said through a mouth full of bacon and egg, “Bout three maybe four years now, I used to live over in Dublin but I wanted to get a job here as the jobs are shite over there. We’ve been mates for years through our families as Finn has grandparents over by where I used to live and well I asked if I could crash with him until I got on me feet, but I’m still here,” That would explain the hint of Irish which was now slowly fading, Northern tones nipped at her words. Finn then teased, “Yeah and I can’t get fucking rid of ya.”

The two shared a smirk and a little laugh, which Rae couldn’t help but smile at.   
Orla subtly watched the shy glances and the coy words between Finn and their new mate. She liked Rae and as she never got to see the girls he’d bring home as they’d be long gone before breakfast; it was nice to be able to sit and chat with Rae. Not that Rae was just some random girl, but, it was a nice change that somebody else was joining them for breakfast - as it had been so long since they had company of a morning that wasn’t one of Finn’s “Work mates.” Finn had behaved so quietly and reserved for so long that it was refreshing to see the shine of youth return back to his eyes and it was nice to see him behave like the twenty-one year old man who he was supposed to be. 

Whilst they talked and drank their tea Rae then noticed the time on the clock that hung on the wall, her eyes widened and she sharply looked at Finn, “Is that time right?” He nodded in which she began to panic, she shot out of her seat and swore. She left the room, bolting into Finn’s and frantically searched for her clothes in a hurried manner - unaware that he had now followed her and stood in the doorway.

“You alright, Rae?”

“Where’s my stuff?!" 

He then pointed to the folded up clothes on the armchair, how could she have missed those? She went to get changed when she stopped and looked at him, "Finn would you mind…?” She moved her finger in a circular motion, he caught on and apologised before turning around. She then stripped off the pants and thus began to explain her sudden outburst, “I’ve gotta meet my mum in town for one,” It was now twenty to, “And it’s really important that I go, do you mind giving me a lift?" 

"Course not," 

She felt her t-shirt from last night was still damp with sweat and now frangranced with her scent, she grimaced at the smell before asking, "Finn, do you mind if I borrow your t-shirt it’s just-" 

"Keep it, I told you already it looks nice on you.” He spoke over his shoulder.  
She felt the blush creeping in  as she shoved her own shirt into her bag before zipping it up and setting it back down on the floor. She pulled out his charger from her phone that Orla had so kindly set up before shrugging on her leather jacket; pulling out bits of hair from down the back. She grabbed her bag and pulled it onto her shoulder. She told him he could turn round, which he did. He grabbed the matching grey sweatshirt off the end of his bed, throwing it on. Rae couldn’t help but watch as his muscles moved and flexed as he pottered about. This was the Finn she decided she liked, sleepy and rough around the edges - not the usual guarded and well groomed Finn she regularly saw. He chucked on his trainers before grabbing his aftershave off of the chest of drawers that was a makeshift TV cabinet, giving himself two little spritz - Bleu De Chanel. One of Rae’s favourites.

The two then hurried out the room and approached the living room. Rae stood by the door whilst he made his way over to his friend. Finn swiped his keys off of the glass table before turning to Orla; who’s long and tonned legs were out-stretched upon the couch. Rae couldn’t help but stare at them, they were just so tanned and smooth - proper womanly legs.

“Got enough weed?”

“Yep.”

“Skins?”

“Yep.”

“Lighter?”

Orla panicked, searching the couch before she fished out a lighter; sending him a dopey smile and a “Yep.” Rae danced on the balls of her feet, her eyes glued to the clock. She wanted to beat her mum to the Aldi carpark, so Linda wouldn’t catch her coming out of Finn’s car and so she could keep up the illusion she had stayed at Chloe’s.

_Shit, Chloe._

Finn bent down and kissed the top of Orla’s head before turning back to Rae. He shouted over his shoulder that he’d be back soon before exiting out the living room door. Rae couldn’t help but feel a little jealous at the small but sweet contact. She hated for being so blunt with her goodbye, as Orla had been so lovely, but her jealously got the better of her. Rae turned on her heels and followed Finn out.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————  
“Thanks for lift, but before I go. Can I ask did we…” Her eyes finished her sentence, he shook his head, “No, we didn’t.”

“Then what were you-”

“I was paranoid in case you were gonna choke on your sick, so, I slept in the bed with you. But don’t worry I kept my hands to myself.” He held up his hands, laughing. She laughed also, but it was nervous. She hated herself for thinking it, but she couldn’t lie; she wouldn’t put it past him to do something to her in her sleep. But Rae had it completely wrong. In her eye’s Rae sometimes saw him as one of those lads who fiddled with passed out party girls. As where truthfully; the furthest his hands went on her in the bed last night was her face as he brushed her hair out the way before running his fingers through and playing with it as he watched television.

“What are you doing Wednesday?”

“Nothing, why?”

“I’m cooking a curry for me and Orla and well I still feel bad for the other day, so, as a way to say sorry I want you to come join us.”

“I couldn’t, I wouldn’t want to inva-”

“Rae, stop worrying. Like I said, it’s an apology from me to you.”

She dragged her bottom lip between her teeth before admitting the defeat; nodding an ok. He suddenly grew nervous, looking at his hands in lap as he picked at his fingernails;

“You don’t hate me for last night, do you?”  
“Why would I hate you?”

“Well, I gave you the tablet and if I hadn’t have gave you it, then, you wouldn’t have gone funny.”

“You never gave me it, I took it. You looked after me, so, I don’t hate you for it. In fact, I am very grateful you were there,”

He could suddenly breathe again and he felt his body relaxed. He smiled softly at her before reminding her that her mum would be here very shortly. She climbed out the car, shutting the door and leaning her forearms on it as he rolled down the window. She thanked him once more. “Honestly, Rae, don’t worry about it. Text me when you get in yeah?” She nodded and off he drove. Perfect timing as Linda now drove into the carpark, she had just missed Finn and was completely oblivious, either that or she acted it as she asked Rae; as soon as she got into the car, “Where’s Chloe?”

And back to reality it was. Her mother’s questioning and the real reason why she was in such a rush now dragged her off that cloud nine she was floating on. Today was the day she had to go back to the hospital; it was just a routine check up. Just to see if she were still taking her pills, her finger was still off the self-destruct button, etc. Who even went the doctor’s on a bloody Saturday?! Well, her apparently. She didn’t want to come down, she didn’t want have to sit in that boring doctor’s room with the water stained magazines and the snot green walls - she wanted to be back in those grey, cool but cosy covers. She felt anxious, her anxiety increased the moment she left his flat. As obviously she couldn’t tell her mother she was on a comedown; she had to suffer it alone and it scared her. She wanted to be back with Finn, just sitting with him as his presence calmed her, it calmed her jittery nerves. It was a nice contrast compared to her jittery nerves being usually down to because of him. She didn’t want to be nervous around him anymore, despite the red flag constantly popping up in her mind; she couldn’t deny her strong attraction towards him any longer and the more she thought about it - maybe it wasn’t fear she felt and that’s why she was nervous around him. Maybe it was because; she liked him.


	11. Chapter 11

The sky was clear, kids played and sweated under the merciful, blazing sun. The beautiful day only caused Rae’s bad mood to increase. It was the nicest Sunday in a while and Rae hated that she was going to be spending it in such a furious state - the only Sunday where the sun finally cracked the flags and she wasn’t allowed a nice, refreshing fruity cider. She had been in this mood from the moment she left the doctor’s the previous day. Dr. Nick had told her that he and his team weren’t happy with the medication she had been put on as she had made no progress in the six weeks he gave her and that he wanted to change it. Reason being why this was such bad news was because on the new one’s there was a strict ‘No drinking’ Rule. As although she still drank on the old ones; the new ones made you vomit violently if you even sniffed Barcardi. 

Her social life revolved around drinking and she didn’t want to appear the odd one out by now turning down every drink that passed her way. She begged and begged to be kept on the old ones; but her doctor refused to budge.

The gang, including Kendo and Orla, had decided to hit Rutlands park. The boys tossed a ball whilst the girls sat in the shade and on a blue and red, wool blanket. Rae watched enviously as the girls drank glasses of rose wine in plastic, portable cups; all giggling and chatting away merrily whilst she drank glumly from her bottle of water. Boppy tunes hummed from the pink, pill shaped portable speaker. 

Chloe eyed her friend before sitting up, shuffling over to her, “Oi, how fit does Finn look?” Chloe spoke in hushed tones, keeping the conversation between her and her moody mate. Rae then asked, “What?” Chloe nodded towards the field, in the direction of a shirtless Finn who was currently playfully wrestling with Archie.

“Can you imagine sleeping with him? You’d need a fucking bib,” She broke out into a fit of giggles, but was surprised by the silence from her usually foul-mouthed and equally rude friend.

“That’s disgusting.”

Chloe stopped sipping at her wine, looking at Rae; her frown now apparent under her round sunglasses, “You said it about Matt Healy last week.”  
“Yeah, well it’s different.”

“How’s it different?”

“It just is.”

Chloe widened her eyes before she huffed, not used to Rae giving the cold shoulder, “Fine. Whatever, anyway what is wrong with you today, mardy? Had a face like a slapped arse since you got here.” Rae remained silent and Chloe gave her a once over before rolling her eyes, not wanting to show she was wounded. She didn’t like when Rae was off with her, and if something was on her friend’s mind then she wanted to know. But Chloe knew better than anyone not to pressure Rae into opening up. Rae was like a game of jenga; one wrong move and she’d come crashing down on you harshly.

The boys now had jogged over, Finn took the open space beside Rae. And although he had the whole of the greenery to sit on; he chose to sit closely beside her. Chloe grimaced as Kendo took a seat beside her, his eyes not-so-subtly looking at her chest. Finn laid himself down and placed his legs across Rae’s; the cool blades of grass a nice contrast compared to the sun that glared down on his back. As it was a surprisingly warm Spring day, all the men wore loose, swimming-type shorts - their only item that they owned that could be worn on a hot day like this. Rae’s hands fell on Finn’s legs, the hairs tickled her arms but they were soft; not bristly like she had originally thought. 

'Chocolate’ By The 1975 came on the speakers, Chloe couldn’t help herself and she imputed; a desperate attempt to stop Finn from staring at Rae, “Ooh, here are, Rae. Your fella’s on,” Finn’s daydream stare changed to intrigued, Rae lowered her head in shame. He then playfully teased, “Someone like a Mr. Healy does she?” His words were quiet and before she could respond, the attention turned to Orla who chimed, “I’d shag Matt Healy till there was nothing left but a damp patch,” It was returned with a few groans and laughs. Chloe felt put out that her attempt of trying to attract Finn’s attention had failed. As Chloe turned her head away, Orla sent Rae a wink and a look of 'Don’t worry, kid, I’ve got you’ Rae reciprocated it with a smile of thanks. Kendo, who now leaned back on his elbows, then asked, “Hang on, thought you were gay?" 

"Bi sexual, knob end.” She threw bits of grass at him that she had been playing with.

He shook the  bits of green out of his hair before saying, “Oh, well, it’s all the same to me. Either way a girl gets off with another girl,” He let out a perverted laugh, wriggling his eyebrows as he looked at the boys; trying to earn their approval. But all he received was a small but sharp kick to the back of the head by Orla, followed by a “Dickhead.”

Finn had began to ran a slow and gentle finger up and down the part of Rae’s arm closest to him as she now was also back onto her elbows; mirroring Kendo’s position. Conversation was picked up between the other’s - but not Rae and Finn. Finn had noticed Rae was unusually quiet and although he knew not to pry too much; he still had to ask, “What you thinking about?” She then pulled her stare from the horizon before her and down, onto him, “I was just thinking about… How I’m gonna tell you, you stink of B.O.” He let out a low and deep laugh before quipping a “I’m sure you’ll find someway,” That was a lie. Yes, he was sweaty but he still smelt lovely. The aftershave and a citrus, fruity smell from his showergel. Her arm grew cold as his removed his finger and she missed the touch almost instantly. She was surprised when she felt him paw gently at the back of her denim shirt, telling her to lie down. Their faces almost touched as soon as her back hit the grass.

“So, you going to let me see this tattoo or what?” He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. Twenty four hours later and his need to see it only increased. Since her arrival; his eyes constantly but subtly glanced over her body as he wondered where it could be. Rae wasn’t sure what had happened in the past twenty four hours but he was a lot more touchy-feely. She thought it was maybe because he was having her over for dinner or maybe her being in his bed stirred up some emotions that he had tried to suppress, either way it was definitely something as all day he had done nothing but fully acknowledge the sexual tension between the two - in fact he was fully playing on it. But he did it quietly, and it was the quiet ways that excited her. 

“If you play your cards right when I come round on Wednesday, I might just show you," 

"I’ll hold you to that,” He said, bopping her nose with his finger lightly before sitting up and asking for a beer. He took a swig before placing it onto the grass, he scooped the football off the floor and turned to the boys, asking who wanted another game - but was just answered with groans and complains of how it was too hot. He shrugged his shoulders and played by himself, doing keep ups and other little tricks - repeatedly bouncing the ball between his feet.   
Chloe then laid beside Rae, asking, “You never told me you were having dinner with Finn,”

“It’s not a big deal and it’s not just gonna  be us as Orla will be there.”  
“Must be a pretty big deal if none of us were invited.”

“It must’ve slipped his mind.”

Finn had overheard their conversation and found himself disappointed; he wasn’t sure whether it was because Rae had downplayed the whole thing or that she had downplayed so much that Chloe had probably saw it as an invitation; and now he could feel the dread creeping in - knowing he would have to put out an extra plate.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————  
Before Finn, Wednesday was just a normal, boring day. In fact she hated Wednesdays, as they were not the beginning of the week but nowhere near the weekend. But now she noticed that she seemed to always see him of a Wednesday and suddenly Wednesday was her favourite day. 

Rae was surprised to see Chloe on Finn’s couch that Wednesday, her little arrogant and “Innocent” Smile was on full display as she watched Rae’s face fall. Finn had grew shy around Chloe and Rae, compared to Sunday; his touches on Rae were now non-existent. He didn’t want Chloe seeing it, as it was between him and Rae. He sat furthest away as they all munched on the scran, he sat on the little office chair and had moved it far away from the couch. Rae sat on her usual spot of the end, Orla beside her whilst Chloe sat on the other far end - isolated from the two girls.

Although Chloe had opted for a darker look; she still turned up her prim and neatly dressed self. A leather jacket accompanied by a black, long sleeved crop top and ripped, black skinny jeans. Heeled, ankle boots were her footwear and helped make her legs look longer than ever and her backside toned and pert. Rae thought the look made her sexy, flirty. As where Finn wondered how Chloe could flaunt herself around like that, if that was his girlfriend he’d tell her to cover up as that part of her skin would mean to be for his eyes only - as did Orla. Rae was the only one who thought the outfit was nice, showing a little skin never hurt.

“… And I just didn’t wanna miss out on a curry, you know?” Chloe spoke, attempting to justify her rude, uninvited invasion. Finn had originally planned the night to be him and Rae, the night would consist of them eating the food, then drinking some wine before going through some of his music - showing a part of him that not many got to see. It would be followed by shy glances, flirty conversation and hopefully a small but loving kiss at the end of the night as he dropped her off home. But the plan went to shit the moment Rae told Chloe of her plans, planning ahead Finn had asked Orla that Monday if she’d stick around; in fact he begged her as he didn’t want to be caught in that battle between Chloe and Rae. And after hearing Rae was on “anti-biotics” The plan fell apart even more.

Finn picked up the remote for the sound system off of the coffee table, he looked towards the kitchen as he flicked through the songs; he heard The Smiths and placed the remote back down. Rae’s eyes lit up and Chloe took the words right out of her mouth, “Finn, I love this song,” He sent her a polite but tight lipped smile before returning to his food. Rae nudged her knee against Orla’s, nodding her head towards Chloe who was engrossed in her food. Rae’s eyes narrowed to slits and were accompanied by a smirk, “So, Chloe who’s your favourite singer Morrissey or the lead singer of The Smiths?”

“Well, it depends on what mood am in really.”

Sniggers were to be heard and Rae felt a little mean. She had been the victim to Chloe embarrassing her for many years and now she was just as bad. Rae wasn’t like that, so, she changed the subject and complimented Finn on his cooking skills. And they were no lie, he was a brilliant cook. 

After the plates were licked clean, they were cleared away and put into the sink. Finn then opened the fridge and scanned the contents, “Anyone want a beer?” Orla and Chloe accepted and Rae just stayed quiet. Finn placed the six pack on the table and took a seat back on the chair. Chloe leaned forward, as did Orla, and both took a beer. 

“Aren’t you drinking, Rae?” Orla asked innocently.

“No, I can’t. Am on antibiotics." 

"Oh come on, one can’t hurt,” Orla whined, an attempt to get Rae to join in the fun. As Rae went to protest once more, princess Chloe then chimed in, “Yeah come on, Rae, don’t be boring. Don’t be a weirdo.”

_Fuck this._

Rae leaned forward, not once did her stern eye contact break with Chloe as she took the beer off the table. She gave the lid one good tap before downing a huge sip. The regret almost settled in instantly but if it meant keeping that smug grin off of Chloe’s face - then what was a little sickness. The exchange between the two girls didn’t go amiss to Finn, and it made him curious; the four last words seemed to effect Rae the most. He wondered why, he got called a weirdo plenty of times of his mates as a joke and it didn’t bother him - so why did Rae react to it the way she did? 

Orla noticed the shy and coy, school-girl glances Rae tossed towards Finn, his subtle stares equally shy. She turned to Chloe, “Chlo, I’ve got a date this weekend and I don’t have a clue what to wear. Do you wanna come help me?” Chloe was unsure but she didn’t want to seem rude and agreed. As Orla rose out her seat, she looked at Finn as she nodded her head subtly behind her; towards the direction of Rae before taking Chloe into her bedroom.

Finn watched the two leave before he looked at Rae, who’s eyes were on her beer can which her finger ran around the top of. Before he let his nerves get the better of him; he made his way over and took a seat beside her, playfully asking, “You gonna let me see this tattoo or what then?” She let out a laugh, shaking her head at his persistence, “You are not gonna let this go, are you?”

  “Nope, now, come on show me.”

“Alright, I will but… You have to guess where it is first.”

He saw that as a fair deal, and a challenge. He bit his tongue and pulled a cute, little, puzzled face, “Your ankle?” His face lit up, but fell as she told him no.

“Thigh?”

“No.”

“Bicep?”

“No.”

“Your arse? It’s definitely your arse.”

“Finn!” She breathlessly laughed, incredulous at his perverted suggestion.

“What? You said I could ask.”

This continued for a good ten minutes, and he still didn’t get it right. He gave up, throwing his hands up in a joking huff. Rae found herself becoming more relaxed around him. It was a nice change. It may not have been a lot of time between the time when she was frightened around him and now; and it was such a sudden change in heart that it often made her dizzy. It wasn’t a sudden realisation of love for him, far from it. But she found herself found of him. Their friendship was a slow progress, still a lot to be worked on, but it was becoming better as the days passed. Even the little gap between Sunday and then, where they only had time together was in the pub, was filled with many a flirty but private banter. His touches weren’t as bold as they were that time on the park; but he didn’t go through the day without finding an excuse to touch her at least once. She hadn’t noticed how long she’d been staring but it was enough time for him to see it as an invitation. He raised a hand and cupped her jaw, he tugged on it slightly; indicating her to come closer. Her breath caught in the back of her throat as she felt her lips grow dry. Her stomach knotted and just as she could feel his uneven breathing on her face,

“I’m telling you go with the black jeans as black goes with everything,” Rae and Finn pulled apart, Finn practically threw himself across the couch. Rae felt ill but as the feeling wasn’t subsiding and in fact increasing she noticed it wasn’t due to the nerves from the almost kiss. She shakily placed the can on the table and her ill feeling had now come apparent as her face was as pale as Finn’s bedroom floor. Chloe looked at her friend and her face fell, “You alright?” Rae shook her head, swallowing the harsh vomit that threatened to come up, “I don’t feel very well,” This alerted Finn, he sat forward, “What’s wrong?” But before she could reply, she burped and pressed two fingers to her mouth; another attempt at keeping it down. The bile burned her throat as she swallowed it.

“You want me to take you home?” Rae nodded, more than ready to leave.   
As a little way to tease her mate, Orla then offered, “Here are, Rae, I’ll take you. I’ve gotta go down by your way anyway,” Finn’s eyes fell into two little slits. It was Orla’s way of getting him back for not being a big enough man to plant one on Rae. After Finn angrily threw Orla the keys, Rae threw on her bag and coat; quickly leaving. Not bothering to say goodbye. Behind Chloe’s back; Orla used both her hands to flash two fingers at Finn before turning, jogging ahead and after Rae.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————-  
“You don’t need to worry you know,” Orla spoke out loud. Rae moved slowly, not trying to alarm her stomach, “What?" 

"About Finn and Chloe, believe me round about now Finn will be supposedly tidying the kitchen and offering Chloe a taxi. I only left them together as I know it’d do his head in," 

Rae was confused, so Finn didn’t like Chloe? Which she asked. Orla scoffed before shaking her head, "If you think Finn likes Chloe then you do not get Finn at all, he hates her type. Can’t bare it, he only puts up with her cause of you and your mates. Which makes me wonder, you’re like him, why do you hang around with her? She’s all pink and about money, and you’re well… Not.” Rae had rehearsed the answer to this so many times a day, as the question was something she often asked herself. 

But all she could answer with was a shrug. Orla pressed, attempting to give Rae advice but it came out blunter than she intended, “You need a new mate, Rae, as believe you and me now people like Chloe only drag you down to make themselves look good. It’s all about number one with them,”

Although she knew Orla was right, Chloe was still her friend and although she knew deep down Chloe had always spoke about her behind her back; Rae still found herself fighting Chloe’s corner, “She’s alright you know, once you get to know her,”

Orla held up one hand before it fell back to the steering wheel, “Listen, Rae, I’m not judging you as we all have that one mate but look, promise you now the moment you get rid of her everything will change for the better.” Rae stayed silent, nor confirming nor denying whether she agreed. She did agree, but she wasn’t going to admit to that. Orla wish she could tell Rae about all the horrible things Chloe did speak about her when she wasn’t around; the amount of times Orla and Izzy had to defend Rae was ridiculous. It was never about Rae’s appearance or anything too wicked; just little things about stuff that had happened in the past; embarrassing stories about Rae. Orla wanted to point out to Rae that, that wasn’t a healthy friendship. From what Orla observed Chloe was very much like a shadow; only ever there for the sunshine times in Rae’s life. 

Rae watched Orla out of the corner of her eye, it was nice that it was just the two of them. A oversized cream, chunky-knit jumper, plaid pajama bottoms and sandy coloured UGGs that were cut off at the ankle was Orla’s attire; this was a much softer version of her than her usual grunge self.  Orla kind of reminded Rae of Suki Waterhouse; except she had more of a English rose to the face compared to Suki’s rough around the edges, sharp features. Then Rae noticed something oddly familiar about the pajama pants. Although the two had confirmed there was nothing but a close friendship; it still bothered Rae. It just wasn’t normal in this day and age for two friends of the opposite sex to one another to be such good friends; living together, sharing pajama bottoms, tattoos that were made to literally fit together as objects. There had to be something, something deeper that they weren’t telling her;

“Have you and Finn ever slept together?”

Orla’s eyes widened at the abrupt question, Rae then saw the look and stuttered a repeated apology. Orla couldn’t help but laugh, “Don’t worry about it, believe it or not the question comes up a lot. But in answer to it, no. And that is the honest to God truth, like, Rae, you can tell by now am not the type to bullshit. Me and Finn,” Her shoulders lifted and fell into a shrug, unsure of how to continue, “It’s never really came up between us two, just other people have pointed it out and to be honest, I’ve never looked at him in that way. Obviously he’s got a beautiful face, but I dunno.”

She wanted to also add the little detail that Finn used to sleep around and after seeing some of the girls he brought home; it was enough to put anyone off.  
Orla could tell Rae didn’t quite believe her and so she pressed, “And anyway he likes you and if you like him then you’ll practically need to show him with a presentation as he’s completely oblivious to stuff like that,”

“What, I don’t like-”

“Don’t you even try to deny it, Rae, I may be stoned a lot but am not stupid. And you and me both know that if me and Chloe hadn’t have been there tonight, you two would be still on that couch.”

Orla was right, if Chloe and herself hadn’t have been there then Rae and Finn would be licking the insides of each other’s mouths round about now. Rae thought back to Orla’s words and wondered, did that mean he didn’t have girlfriends because he was oblivious to somebody liking him? Which she asked. 

“Nah, it’s not that it’s just Finn’s a very clean person. He doesn’t like mess both literally and figuratively speaking. He’s always been like that for as long as I can remember, he likes to take his time and be neat and keep things simple.”   
Rae stayed silent. 

Her mind was no longer swimming in thought; but now drowning. She was so interested into finding out more, so many things she wanted to ask but was unsure of where to start. Orla confirmed the feelings Rae had for Finn, and although Rae knew the girl didn’t bullshit; she was still not sure she believed her - as what would an eleven like Finn even like about a four like Rae? Rae hadn’t realised how much she had been thinking but they were now outside her house.

Rae climbed out, thanking her new friend for the lift. As Orla rolled the window down; her face had grew serious, “Listen, Rae, if it ever comes down to it can you promise me one thing?”

“Anything.”

“If you ever see them then can you promise me you won’t ask him about them?”

“What?”

“Just… Just promise me.”

“I promise, but what is it?”

“You’ll know when you see them.”


	12. Chapter 12

They say old habits die hard, and Finn always thought it was bullshit. He used to say that if you wanted to quit something so bad then you could do it. But now that wasn’t the case. He was currently burning off some energy on a treadmill at the gym, sweat glistened and his feet pounded. Aside from the odd body builder, he was the only male in the room - the rest were all women who had come to ogle him. He knew he was being watched by them, so, he made sure to look extra good when he went for his runs and when he trained - making sure to show that he found it all effortless. When in fact, his chest ached and his legs burned. 

He clicked the machine off and slowed his pace before coming to a halt, he grabbed his towel and water bottle - taking a huge long sip and wiping his face. He passed a group of twenty year old girls, who all giggled as he sent them a little wink and a cocky grin. He moved towards the changing room doors and the grin soon dropped when he saw Louie, who stood there with a smile and glint in his eyes that led Finn to believe he was about to be roped into something conniving. The big, sports bag flung over Louie’s shoulder gave that away before Finn even asked.

“There he is,”

“Alright.”

Finn knew there was no point in even being nice as he knew Louie wanted something from him. Louie followed Finn into the changing room, Finn took a seat upon the metal bench that sat in the middle of the lockers; wiping the sweat from his neck before ruffling his hair. 

“Listen, Finn, am just gonna come out with it. I need a favour.”

“What?”  
“Now, now, no need for the hostile tones. It’s only a little favour.”

Louie picked up the heavy bag before planting it down onto the bench, Finn eyed Louie before exhaling as he unzipped it. His brow knitted and his lips went into a hard thin line. 

“Louie, there’s about three kilos of heroin in this. What the fuck could you want me to do with three fucking kilos?!”

Paranoid of anyone walking in, Louie shushed him before continuing, “I want you to mind it for me then I need you to come with me to Chester tomorrow and drive me round whilst I do bits. I’d ask one of the other lads but they don’t have the… _Reputation_ you do round there, if you’re with me no one will say fuck all. I’ll pay you a grand,”

“I can’t, I’ve got a fight on and I need to train.”

“I know that and that’s why I’ve asked Mitch to come, so he can help you train of a morning then you can drive me around throughout the afternoon and night.”

“Would we be staying?”

“Ten days.”

“I dunno, Lou. You said you weren’t gonna do this to me, you said the pill pushing would be the last favour.”

Seeing Finn was softening, Louie then pressed, “I know, mate, but look all am asking is you keep hold of this for me for one night then drive me round. You come back a grand richer and that’s that, you could even use the money to spoil that Rae lass.”

Finn tensed at the mention of Rae. He hadn’t spoken to her since the almost kiss, he had been a coward and avoided her. He couldn’t see her, not yet. She was getting too close. Upon hearing her name pushed him to say yes to Louie, a few days away and a distraction sounded pleasing to him - even if that meant doing what he had been asked to do. 

“Aw, I’d knew you’d pull through. Right, I will see you at nine tomorrow.”

Louie then skulked off. Finn watched him leave before turning his gaze to the bag, it now seemed a darker colour since Louie left. Finn zipped the bag shut furiously before his fingers twitched and his jaw locked in anger. He could feel the red mist beginning to fog in and his temper beginning to rise - he couldn’t believe he had agreed to do yet another favour for Louie. He had done so well, one year sober from doing anything of the kind and now here he was; three kilos of brown sat beside him.   
————————————————————————————————————————————————  
He hadn’t slept at all that night, the bag that he had shoved in his wardrobe called him. Back in his prime Finn wouldn’t have even give the offer a second thought and even with as much as five kilos of coke and a ounce of weed in his wardrobe he’d have the most peaceful sleep - knowing he was going to wake up richer. But this was different. When you’re sober from something, going back to it isn’t as satisfying as what you’d think. In fact it makes you feel dirtier and heavier. 

Once being told Louie was outside, he shoved his bag full of clothes and essentials over his shoulder and gripped the other with his hand before then leaving the flat. Luckily Orla was still fast asleep so he didn’t bother waking her to let her know. All he left was a note, explaining he had business to attend and he’d be back before his fight. 

“You look like shit, mate.” Louie, who leaned against his bonnet with his arms and ankles crossed, pointed out with a laugh. Finn just gave him a look and Louie’s laughter faltered, he tossed Finn the keys before climbing into the back of the car; joining his girlfriend. Finn threw his bags into the boot, well shoving them in as the boot was packed. Once that little ordeal was over, Finn made his way to the driver’s seat and climbed in; greeting Mitch who sat in the passenger’s. He barely tossed a glance to Louie’s girlfriend Charlie before putting the car into motion - the dread setting in at the thought of what lay ahead.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————  
He had ignited a fire deep inside of her; now she was cold. There had been no word off of him, she tried to call and text but it was always met with his voicemail or no reply. Had she put him off? Had their almost kiss made him suddenly realise he was disgusted by her? Had Orla told him that she might have accidentally let slip about it, whatever it was, and now he was trying to avoid her in case she wanted to see? If not, then where was he? He had been gone for five days, and what was the most strange thing about it was nobody batted an eyelid.

“But how can he just disappear?! I don’t get it.”

“Rae, Finn is always doing this. Always has done, he fucks off for a bit and then comes back. Just stop worrying, he’s probably driving Louie round somewhere down South or something." 

They were in the pub - the gang excluding Finn. Rae had asked Chop where his friend had disappeared to, in which Chop simply explained that he didn’t know but would be back. Rae was mortified at how casual it was to them all, how somebody could just up and leave without saying a word and then return like nothing had happened. But the random disappearance didn’t surprise her as much as she portrayed, for the vanishing matched his character perfectly. She wanted to speak to him about the almost kiss and maybe perhaps pick up where they left off, she missed his touch. His laughter. The deep in thought stare. She missed him.

She excused herself as her lunch was over, bidding her goodbyes as she had to return to work. Once she was back in the shop and settled, pottering about at the desk; she was surprised to see Kendo - who held a bunch of flyers - waltz in.

"Oh ya alright, Kendo." 

"Alright, Rae, I’ve come to drop these off as Rob said they can be put up in the window.”

He handed her the flyers, on the front it had “FINN ‘THE GHOST’ NELSON VS JOHN 'BIG G’ THOMPSON.” Along with the date, time, etc. Rae’s heart raced as did her thoughts, would she have to go? Would she be able to see him box, in the flesh? Yes, she had fantasized about him boxing but in person would be a different story; she couldn’t bare the thought of him  getting hurt. 

“The 'Ghost’? That is the most stupid name I have ever heard,” Rae scoffed a laugh. 

Kendo returned her laugh before stating, “Ay, won’t be saying that when you see him box. One of the fastest I’ve ever seen to be honest.”  
She glanced from the flyers to him before frowning, “Since when did he have a fight on? Never told any of us.”

“Never does, not until a day before or on the actual day. Makes him nervous if he knows people are coming, which is why I’ve put you all down on the guest list.”  
————————————————————————————————————————————-  
The wait between that Monday and the Friday was excruciatingly painful - it was the longest five days of Rae’s life. Longer than the first five she spent waiting for the text or phone call off of him to explain his disappearance. All in all it was ten days without him… Ten long, painful days. Her heart raced with hope when she left her house the night of the boxing and saw his car outside, but felt her hopes come crashing down when she had to remind herself that it was Orla who was driving it and not Finn.

“You look nice,” Orla stated as Rae climbed into the car. The words didn’t hold the same meaning to her as when they were spoken by Finn, when Orla stated it, it felt like a simple comment as where with Finn… She couldn’t explain it, but it was different. In the car it was just the girls, which led Rae to asking where the others were, 

“Already there, said they wanted to get us a good seat as they like seeing the blood up close,” That cemented the worry into Rae’s stomach; it now a permanent feeling during the drive. It appeared that the fight was to be taken place in a more rough part of town, a place where nightmares lived. The car was parked on a curb opposite the abandoned building - it once was a social club. Now, it was where they held the fights and it never got raided as the police would not dare step foot in this part of town. 

And Rae could understand why, the girls all climbed out and Rae felt her knees wobble and her legs grow heavy as she followed Orla. Izzy snaked her arm through Rae’s and locked them together securely; which Rae did with Chloe’s and the three huddled together. Rae never knew places like this existed in Stamford. She thought Stamford was a quiet, boring little place. But apparently it wasn’t as this area existed - which forced Rae to believe this wasn’t going to be a legal fight. 

They made their way towards the entrance, Orla nodded at the two bouncers and explained the three petrified girls behind her were with her. Once given a once over and the all clear they then made their way inside. The inside reminded Rae of where the rave was held - very similar in fact. Except where she imagined the stage would stand was a huge ring which people surrounded in their seats. She could see the ropes were frail and used, old blood stains splattered along the big, blue 'X’ That stood in the middle. The majority of the crowd was made up of business men in suits, men with barely any teeth and what would Chop call “Coke slags." 

Orla scanned the crowd before finding Kendo, Chop and Archie. She then turned to the three, frightened girls, she seemed unfazed by the scary scenes, "Right, Rae, grab my hand. Chloe you grab her’s and Izzy you grab Chloe’s, keep tight hold and keep your head down,” They did as instructed, ignoring how painful their grips were on one another, and made their way through the bustling crowd and over to the boys. They were welcomed with open arms, each handed a drink. Rae politely took her’s as she didn’t want to be rude and decline. The girls all took a seat and all beside Rae discussed the fight and what was to be expected. Rae’s eyes scanned the crowd and see if she could spot that familiar head of brown - but could only see rough and unfamiliar faces. She felt uneasy at sitting so close to the ring side, she wasn’t so sure she was ready to see him part take in the blood bath. 

The place went dark before a huge spotlight landed upon the ring, cheers and whistles were heard as the announcer came into the middle; he spoke into the microphone, “Welcome, welcome. Time to announce our first contender, in the red corner weighing in at 14 st 3, he may be small but he’s quick and packs a punch. Please welcome, BIG G THOMPSON!” Boos and hisses were heard, not one cheer was threw his way. Rae flinched at some of the things being shouted. Her eyes scanned the crowd and landed on the lad, he was young. Too young to be a boxing in fights like this, he may have weighed a lot but he was skinny. He was nothing on Finn, and Rae found herself feeling very sorry for the young boy. He bounced nervously on his feet, his trainer and team giving him a pep talk.  

“You are in for a treat, my fellow ladies and gentlemen. For tonight we see the return of a killer, he floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. It’s the one, the only FINN NELSON!” Rae’s table shook as her mates erupted into cheers; as did the rest of the crowd. Not a boo or hiss was heard. Her eyes frantically searched the crowd but her search came up empty handed as people were now out of their seats, on their feet as they celebrated and blocked the view. Her face grew pale as he walked past her, followed by Mitch and Louie and a couple of others she didn’t recognize, she felt betrayed that the boys had chosen the side that Finn would be entering the ring in. 

She watched as Finn climbed into the ring before her eyes glanced over at the opponent; the kid’s legs shook and he was now pale as a sheet - his trainer was barking stuff in his ear. Finn was stood still and strong. He shook out his legs and arms, before Mitch put the gum shield in his mouth for him. He spoke some things in Finn’s ear in which Finn nodded at. Finn had his back to the gang, not once did he turn to look at them as they shouted cheers at him.   
The referee had now took the announcers place in the middle and called both boys forward. Rae was unable to hear what was being spoken as the cheers were still deafening. Finn then brought his gloves down on top the kid’s, rather harshly too. The two fighters then backed away a little as the ref left the ring. Rae felt her heart race and she jumped as the bell sounded.

Rae held her breath as she watched, on the edge of her seat as the fight began. The kid was fast, but not fast enough. Finn dodged and turned, they weren’t lying when they said he moved like a ghost. Rae couldn’t keep up. The kid threw a punch and Finn swerved it before moving around, he was now where his opponent had entered the ring and the kid had his back to the gang.   
“Why isn’t he hitting him?!” Rae shout to Orla, in referral to why Finn just kept dodging and diving. “It’s the way to keep everyone entertained, he draws it out for as long as he can!" 

The scene before her kind of reminded Rae of the film Gladiators - except the kid wasn’t a big and muscly guy but more feeble. Finn was the lion. What surprised everyone was Finn’s opponent came at him with a punch out of nowhere; landing it clean on his face. The contact caused everyone to fall to a silence, all held their breath in anticipation. Finn stumbled back a bit, before he took a moment. His nose now ran with blood. He smiled, but it wasn’t nice. It scared Rae a little as he looked almost inhuman, almost as if he had enjoyed being hit. The kid went to throw another dig when Finn dodged before coming underneath with a body blow and then landing a punch to the kid’s face; sending the poor lad flying back and onto the floor. It didn’t knock the kid out but made him so disorientated he was unable to stand. The place erupted into cheers and everyone rose to their feet - apart from Rae. She was glued to her seat. It was announced that Finn was the winner and more cheers were heard. 

She remained seated even when he left the ring, was out of sight and the lights came on. She was terrified to move, it was the look he gave… It was so sinister… It just kept flashing in her mind. As the gang discussed what their next move was; Mitch came over and whispered in Rae’s ear;  
"He’s asked for you.” She looked up at him, now something other than fright on her face, “What?” Mitch glanced from the gang and then back to Rae, giving her a look. She grabbed her bag from underneath the table and followed Mitch, ignoring her friends calling out behind her. She felt betrayed by her own feet, almost as if she hadn’t gave them permission that they could move. She was led into the back, down a corridor and then outside the changing room, “He’s through there,” Mitch told her. Rae just nodded, pushing the door open and walking on through.

Finn was sat on a bench that was placed in the middle of the room, his head was bowed and he was now changed. He wore a pair of jeans and a loose, white t-shirt. He was currently fastening his trainers. Louie’s conversation with him came to a halt upon seeing Rae was now there. He tapped Finn on the shoulder, Finn looked up at him. From his side profile could Rae already see the tissue stuck up his nose - it made her wince. Louie nodded towards Rae, Finn followed his stare and his face fell. Louie then spoke of needing to do something or other and left; shutting the door behind him.

“Mitch said you wanted to see me,”

“Yeah, I think we need to talk.”

“Do we?”

“Yeah but not here.”

Finn rose out of his seat, shrugging on his zip up hoodie. He picked up his gym bag and threw it over his shoulder. He yanked out the bits of bloodied tissue and threw it onto the floor, he approached Rae slowly and walked ahead before turning to her and holding out his hand for her to take, “Come on.”

“But you said you wanted to talk,”

“Yeah, but not here.”

She wanted to say no and tell him that here was fine, but Rae knew it was a waste of her time. And so she took his hand and they left the changing room. Once back into the main room, his grip tightened on her’s as they weaved in and out the crowd. He thanked people who congratulated him before he pushed through the crowd and outside. 

He led her down the side street of the building, towards Louie’s car - it was a nice, sleek BMW. Only did his grip leave her’s as he split off from her. Rae went to the passenger’s side and Finn; the driver’s. She frowned, “Why aren’t we taking your’s?” He shrugged, “Orla’s got the keys and well I’ve got this car for one more day so why not.” The two climbed in, Finn chucked his bag over onto the back seat. Before he started the car he then looked at her, raising his eyebrows, “You alright?” All he was answered with was a nod. She was still in shock from the previous scenes. How could the person before her, the sweet and quiet person; be the monster she just saw. She just couldn’t understand it.  
Plus she was still so very pissed off at the fact that;

1\. He never let her say goodbye to her friends.  
2\. He was now back in control.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————  
The ten minute journey was painfully long for the both of them as not a word was spoke. The both of them too wrapped up in their own thoughts, plus they were both equally as nervous. They had now walked in his flat and he told Rae to sit before going into the kitchen and getting them both a drink; her a water and him a beer. Rae still had her bag over her shoulder as she sat on the couch; her grip tightening on it as he came and sat beside her. He placed the drinks on the table before turning to her,

“So, how’ve you been?”

She gave him a look and his smile fell, he grew serious as this wasn’t the time to be asking about her well being. He sighed darkly before explaining, “Look, you know why I’ve brought you here. And before I get on to why and where I fucked off to, there’s something I’ve gotta get out the way,”

Rae held her breath once again as she awaited him to confess, she thought that may be he killed someone or he had been in jail overnight. He then began to ramble, putting it off for as long as he could,

“The reason why I’m about to tell you, you know, what I am is because I don’t want no secrets between us and I think it’s only fair you hear of it from me and no-”

“Just say it.”

He was surprised by her curt words. He turned from facing her to facing the direction of the television, he leaned with his elbows on his knees; unable to look at her as he confessed;

“I slept with someone.”


	13. Chapter 13

“I slept with someone.”

  
The silence that followed was killing Finn off slowly, he was dying to look at her. But he couldn’t, he was terrified and Finn wasn’t the type to scare easily. When he boxed, he welcomed the most petrifying opponents with open arms. When he had, had a gun held to his head; not a flicker of fright was shown in his eyes. But this, this frightened him. He awaited for her reaction, and was surprised when she said;

“Oh, right.”

It was then he looked at her, boring his eyes into her’s. He begged her for a bigger reaction, something other than that blank stare and two words. He needed more, and so; he pressed,

“Am sorry, Rae.”

“What for? Big deal, you slept with someone. It’s not as if I’m your girlfriend, I’m not even your friend and you are single. You can do what you want you know,”  
She was hurt. It showed in how nippy her tone was. He thought back on her words and frowned, “We’re not friends?” His heart grew heavy and he could feel the sadness begin to knot his stomach. 

“Well, no. Last time I checked mates don’t kiss, well almost anyway.”   
“So, what are you saying?”

“Am saying that you are single, you can do what you want. What you do is your business and your business alone,”

“What if I don’t wanna be single?”

That surprised her. And she felt herself grow angry, but her face remained blank. Her poker face on,

“Well, if that’s the case then maybe I don’t wanna see somebody who just fucks off, sleeps with someone and then comes back as if it’s completely normal. Seriously, Finn, why did you bring me here? To piss me off, is that it?”  
There were so many words he wanted to speak, so many. He wanted to bury himself into her arms and tell her he was sorry over and over. He wanted her to shout at him, tell him he was in the wrong but Rae was right; he was single.

She wasn’t his girlfriend and so, what he did was… Well… Not wrong. His silence angered her even more and she rose, saying a ‘Fuck this’ He stayed seated, knowing she wasn’t going anywhere. She moved to the living room door and went to open it when she discovered it was locked, she shook the handle violently before she spoke over her shoulder,

“Finn, unlock the door.”

“No.”

The panic began to set in. He had flipped it around and he was in control once again. He had foreseen her behaving like this, attempting to escape the confrontation. And so, he locked the door when she wasn’t looking and hid the key. She span on her heels, the colour drained from her face and her bag slumped from her shoulder as she demanded, “Finn, unlock it. Now.”

“No, not until you let me explain,”

She then dropped her bag, throwing it on the floor, she huffed her arms across her chest and gave him a look, “Well?” He wasn’t in the mood for this, he didn’t like that he was letting her get away with this sort of behaviour. He didn’t like that he allowed her to get as cocky as she was,

“Not until you sit down.”

“I’m fine here, thanks.”

The sarcastic tone angered him. He hated when she was sarcastic. He clicked his fingers and pointed at the empty space beside him before demanding a “ _Sit_.” She was dying to bite back a 'What am I a dog?’ But she knew when and when not to misbehave around him. Begrudgingly she did what she was told, but sat the furthest she could away from him. Although she had obeyed she was going to make sure he knew that she didn’t want to be here, her face was like thunder and she sat with her arms crossed; not once looking at him. Once seeing, although she didn’t look it, that she was going to listen he began to explain.

He started from the gym, explaining about the drugs and Louie’s favour. He told her of his stay and how nothing bad happened to reassure her, in fact Louie’s house in Chester was lovely and he told her of how much she would like it. He moved on to saying what he did there, driving Louie round and helping him shift the bits - he didn’t leave out any details or lie as he wanted to leave no stone un turned. He then eventually moved on to explaining how and why he slept with the girl. He had gotten very drunk one night and was left alone to mind Louie’s place, he then said that in his drunken state he was in the mood for a fumble and well, that was that.

“Whoa whoa whoa, you slept with Louie’s girlfriend?”

“Yes.”

“And have done so a few times in the past couple of years?”

“Yes.”

“And Louie knows?”

Off Finn’s nod, Rae grew lost in the river of questions that flooded her mind. There was so many things she was dying to ask but was unsure of where to start,

“Hang on, hang on. I’m lost, explain from the beginning.”

She knew he was starting to become irritated with this, she didn’t care. If he wanted to start something then he was going to finish it. He wasn’t irritated like Rae thought, but uncomfortable. 

“It’s not something that happens regularly, Rae, I promise you and I did regret it. I never used to, but this time was different. I don’t know why,”

_It was because of you._

“But it just felt different. Right, ok, let me explain. It was about three years ago, I was away with Louie in Essex. He also has a house there, and, it was around the time I used to sniff coke, like when I first started. Charlie came in and she just came onto me, I sat there, unsure of what to do and to be honest fucking terrified in case Louie came in. But anyway as I was so out of it I ended up shagging her and did for the rest of the time I was there. This went on every time we went away with Louie, sometimes we’d even meet up at a hotel and stay over night. Then one night about a year and a half ago, Louie caught us and I thought he was gonna kill me as I’ve seen him have people stab someone for looking at her but instead he just laughed, told me to have a good time and walked out. It was the most fucked up thing, but apparently he’s used to her shagging his mates and as long as it’s his mates he doesn’t care. Anyway, the other night after we did… You know… I told her that I couldn’t do it anymore, and yeah,”

He awaited her reaction and thought she was too angry to reply, but was he shocked and amused when she asked,

“Wait, isn’t it illegal for you to have sex before a fight?”

“That… That’s what you got from this?” He laughed, unable to hide his amusement. She frowned at his laughter, offended. He exhaled, attempting to calm himself down before explaining, “Yeah, as it enhances your performance and it’s classed as cheating but I don’t think rules really apply to the places I box, Rae.” He couldn’t help but continue to laugh at her frown, she was so innocent that it tickled him. He was also happy that she had took the news a lot lighter than he expected,

“Stop laughing! I was only asking," 

His laughter came to a slow halt before his eyes grew heavy but soft. He looked at her for a moment before stating, "I’ve missed you, you know.” He reached out to brush her cheek with his finger when she moved away from his touch. He pulled back his hand and sighed, “I told you I’m sorry, Rae.”   
“I know and like I said you can do what you want.”

He hated that he had hurt her. He knew he had as although her mouth said one thing; her face and body language said different. Just when he was about to read chapter one in the Book of Rae; it had snap shut once again. And, it was his own fault. He wasn’t going to sit there and beg her; trying to pass off the blame onto someone else. He was ready to take full responsibility. He was a man, not a mouse. 

“I know my behaviour can’t be excused but I want us to start over, like, this time really start over. I want a clean slate with you, I know I said it the caf’ But this time I really mean it, Rae, I like you.”

“What, like or like-like?” Her tone was playful and he felt his mouth curl up; he blushed and told her to 'Piss off.’ Sharing the laughter as he looked away shyly. Their laughter built and soon they were in a heap. Every time they would look at each other; they’d laugh even more. Although Rae had not entirely forgiven him; she saw no reason to continue being so hostile. Although she couldn’t trust him; she found herself agreeing to starting over - it was worth it to now see the happy smile on his face.   
—————————————————————————————————————————————-  
The two talked for hours about random and pointless shite and soon their eyes grew heavy, it was only when she yawned they realised how late it actually was, 

“Do you wanna kip here?" 

Although she was still not fully comfortable being with him on her own, she agreed - she’d take him over the wrath of Linda. He then asked her if she wanted his room, leaving out the fact he had a guest room, and said he didn’t mind taking the couch. But what he wasn’t expecting was her telling him that she didn’t mind sharing a bed, they had shared one before so there was no need to be shy now. He led her into his room, handed her a loose t-shirt and some pajama pants before taking his own and leaving her to get changed; and to change himself in the living room.

As he did what he did he couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face. She was back here, and she was in his bed. Again. He had missed her being there, and because Orla was staying out; he was more than grateful for Rae being there. For as long as he could remember he suffered from nightmares; and hated staying in the flat on his own. So, Rae being there meant a lot more to him than she knew. 

"Rae? You decent?” He asked as he knocked on the door. She called out that he could come in, he opened the door and his heart smiled in his ribcage at the sight. She was underneath the covers with them tucked up to her chin; her eyes were heavy as they fought sleep. He chucked his clothes into his wash basket before crouching down and crawling across the bed; climbing under the covers. 

As much as Rae wanted to stay mad at him; she told herself that it wasn’t her place but she was still so very pissed off that she wound back up in his bed. Had _she_ slept in here before? Had _she_ lay where Rae currently lay? The bed felt tainted and lot more cold than she remembered.

She jumped when she felt a warm arm drape over her before she was tugged into him. She wanted to shove him off but somehow she found herself curling her legs up; allowing his to tuck in snugly behind her’s. She wanted to tell him no, tell him that his touches were forbidden but she found herself lacing her fingers with his and bringing them snugly under her breasts. She wanted to tell him of just how much he had actually hurt her but she had to remind herself; he did not belong to her and her explaining why she was hurt would be pointless.

Finn was relieved that he wasn’t pushed away, he found his embrace tighten the more she melted into it. She was safe and she was here. He inhaled deeply before exhaling, sighing with content. Finn never used to believe when they would say “Home is where the heart is.” He used to believe that home was four walls and a door. But that was before he met Rae. A month ago home was where he went to sleep but now, it wasn’t just four walls and a door - home was now cradled in his arms and falling asleep.


	14. Chapter 14

“I’ll give you a call later, yeah?” Finn, now fresh, said as he had pulled up outside of Rae’s. She nodded before giving him a kiss on the cheek and leaving the car. Ever since last night they were a lot more open with one another, although they had yet to kiss their touches and loving glances were there. Rae had decided to completely let go of her hold on her anger; it was no longer important as he was there with her and that was all that mattered. 

She was relieved to see Linda’s car nowhere in sight - obviously her mum was on a day shift which meant Rae had a free house. But she was puzzled at seeing Chloe sat on her doorstep, Chloe shot out of her seat and asked “Rae! Where the hell have you been?! I have been ringing you all morning!”  
“Phone’s been dead.” Rae curtly stated before slipping past a flustered Chloe, unlocking her door and making her way inside - her friend hot on her heels. “Well, where have you been? I have been worried sick about you,” The two made their way into the kitchen. Rae wasn’t in the mood for Chloe today, not that she usually was but today her patience was extremely thin. She pulled two mugs out and filled them with tea and sugar before flicking on the kettle,

“You didn’t answer my question, where have you been?”

“I’ve been at Finn’s.”

“Oh, right.”  
A silence hung heavily between the two friends and Chloe could feel that wedge between them becoming bigger. Rae pottered about as she waited for the kettle to boil, she knew something was bothering Chloe and it wasn’t because Rae hadn’t been in touch, so, as bluntly as she could Rae asked,

“Look, is there something else you wanted?”

Chloe was caught off guard by the straight-forward question. She became a bag of nerves as she picked at her nails, “Yeah, there is. Well, I didn’t know where else to go because… Well, you’re the only person I can trust… I’m pregnant.”

The teaspoon Rae just had hold of now clattered on the side, causing Chloe to jump. Rae slowly looked up at her friend, unable to react.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————-  
“Fucking hell.” Was all Rae could say. The two were now sat in her bedroom, both on the bed. Chloe was shocked at her friend’s reaction, she was expecting something bigger, something more than just that,

“Well, say something, Rae!”

“ _Fucking hell!_ I thought you were on the pill!" 

"I stopped taking it.”

“Why?”  
Chloe didn’t want to tell Rae the real answer. She felt ashamed behind her reason, but she knew Rae would get it out of her eventually, “Well the packet said it could make you put on weight.”

Rae couldn’t believe it, Chloe would rather have put on a tiny little bit of weight than be safe. Did she not see the irony in this? A baby made you put on more than just a little bit of weight. But Rae could see the frightened shine of tears begin to mist over in Chloe’s eyes and she softened, asking, “Who’s is it?”

“It was somebody I met a while ago at a club,”

“So a one night stand?”

“Well it sounds bad when you say it like that!”

How else was Rae supposed to say it? That’s what it was, there was no point in sugar coating it. Rae asked Chloe had she spoken to the guy, Chloe told her he left before she could even get his number. It was just getting better and better. Rae couldn’t help but admit she was frightened for her friend, she didn’t know whether to cuddle Chloe or smack her with a rolled up newspaper. 

“Are you going to keep it?" 

All Chloe could do was shrug, her eyes fell to her hands that fiddled with each other in her lap before she spoke; her voice was shaky and thick, "Do you know my mum… I remember she told me ages ago she got pregnant when she was young. She said it stays with you, whether you have it or not. You know, whatever decision you make, it’s forever. She’d be so disappointed if she knew about this.”

And that’s when Chloe broke. She crumbled and sobbed, sobbed to her heart’s content. Rae was never one for comfort, awkward when somebody would cry in front of her. But this wasn’t just anybody, this was Chloe. Rae put her arm around Chloe and pulled her into her chest, resting her chin on top her friend’s head. Chloe shook under her hold as each sob was more violent than the last. She kept shushing her and telling her she would be ok, she stroked Chloe’s hair and rocked her gently. This was the Chloe that Rae often reminded herself that she still was, deep down underneath the make up and spiteful comments. This, this frightened and child-like Chloe. 

Fucking hell, Rae could not catch a break.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————-  
“So, are you and Finn seeing each other now?”

Chloe and Rae were now sat on Rae’s bedroom floor, their backs against the bed, the quilt over their legs and spoons in their hands as they digged into a bowl of ice cream. Their favourite film they watched as children together, Nightmare Before Christmas, on lowly in the background. Rae was unsure of the answer to this as it was early days,

“I dunno, we haven’t really talked about it.”

“Well, have you kissed?”

Rae’s silence was enough of an answer. Chloe itched to be bitchy, but since Rae was kind enough to have agreed to come the clinic with her on Monday; Chloe bit back her comment and simply stated, “Maybe he’s just waiting for the right moment, you can tell he really likes ya.” Rae looked up at her friend and the two shared a giggle before Rae sighed, “I’m just gonna see how things go.”  
The two then turned their attention back to the television before finishing off their ice cream and snuggling down together. They sung along to the film, giggling and pointing out certain parts. Although Rae knew that the moment this whole pregnant mishap was over that Chloe would return to being the ice queen; she enjoyed their time together. She had missed her best friend. 

“Rae… Thanks for this,”

Rae took Chloe’s hand in her’s and gave it a gentle squeeze. Rae’s phone rang out and she grabbed it off of the bedside table, blushing upon seeing who was calling, 

“And what do I owe the pleasure of hearing your voice, Mr. Nelson?”

And there was that pang of jealousy that always seemed to nag whenever there was any interaction between Rae and Finn. Chloe wanted to be happy for her friend, her friend who had been miserable for so long that it was about time she deserved some good in her life. But she just couldn’t deny it, she wanted to be the one now blushing on the phone to Finn. She wanted to be the one wearing Finn’s t-shirts. She wanted Finn.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Finn was very quiet among his friends that evening, and it did not go amiss; so they would involve him in pointless and brief ways. Such as, asking whether he was alright or just some form of attempt of getting more than a shrug or one word answer. He, Kendo, Orla, Archie and Chop were round at his place; the three boys had called in - Kendo solo followed by Archie and Chop in a pairing. Ever since he had returned from Louie’s, Orla noticed that although he was there physically; he was figuratively miles away. But it wasn’t just after his trip had she noticed the difference; it had been a while previous that the vacant stares were becoming more apparent. The vacant stares weren’t deep or full of hard thinking but just simply distant. Orla had seen it before in the past, this pattern, it would start with zoning out. Soon the late nights of his feet shuffling against his floorboards would follow. Then his plates always left half-full.  He was beginning to become a ghost of his former self. But this wasn’t sadness or a secret drug habit, he was shedding his old and worn skin and transcending into something more beautiful. He was becoming happy again.

“So, how’s you and Rae?”

And there it was, something she had not seen since before his grandmother died; the light appearing. He tried his best to hide it but she caught it before it went amiss, but stayed quiet,

“There’s not really much I could say, just taking things slow to be honest.”

“Have you kissed her?" 

Orla was so very grateful that Kendo had asked as it was something she had been dying to know herself,

"Nah, not yet.”

Kendo gave him a look, flicking the head of his cigarette into the ashtray, “Fucking hell, you feeling alright? At this point she would’ve been fucked and fucked off.”

Even Orla was offended by this. Finn grew cold and so did the room, Finn stared Kendo down and under his icy glare Kendo began to shift uncomfortably in his seat. Finn had this incredible power that he could just simply stare at you and make you cower. Orla smacked Kendo across the head before calling him a dickhead. 

_“Get out.”_

“Oh, come on, mate. I was just saying that-”

 _“Get… Out.”_ He was now practically growling his words. Kendo looked around for moral support but was just met with scowls from everyone. One more glance did he pass before throwing on his jacket and leaving, mumbling under his breath. The other three then turned to Finn, waiting, “You alright?” Archie asked timidly, scared to breathe differently in case it set Finn off. What surprised everyone was Finn’s words as he asked,

“Am I really that bad?”

Nobody knew what to say to this, they all tried to stutter up something,

“Well it’s not that…” Came from Chop.

“It’s just….” Spoke Archie, who suddenly found his bottle of beer interesting.

“What we’re trying to say is it’s just we’ve never seen you like this, not that it’s bad! In fact, we’re all over the moon for you. But it’s just… Different,” Orla said with a matter-of-fact and innocent shoulder shrug. He became quiet and his stare was no longer vacant but now deep in thought. He then glanced from the floor to them before downing his beer and rising, 

“I’m going to bed.”

“Aw, Finn, come o-”

“Goodnight.”

He slammed the beer bottle down harshly before leaving for his room. The strange thing was he couldn’t feel his temper rising, he could not see that red fog. He stripped himself of his clothes, bunching them up and chucking them into his washing basket. As he only wore his boxers the cold covers felt soft and smooth against his warmth. He flicked on the television and put it on mute, he couldn’t sleep in the dark when he was on his own. He sighed deeply as he began to think. He felt disheartened at their words, was he _really_ that bad? Was that what they all secretly thought, that he was some man slut who didn’t have feelings and only used girls for their bodies? That wasn’t strictly the case, yes, he did have a good amount of notches on his bed post but what went on between the sheets was a lot more than just sex. It was never acts of love, but he loved learning about new bodies; what made them tick. What made somebody quiver and whimper. He loved tracing his fingers subtly over women’s scars or stretch marks. He loved the softness of their skin underneath his fingertips. He loved the glow and shine of a woman’s sweat whilst they attempted to catch their breath. Women to Finn were art. 


	15. Chapter 15

_“I just had a change of heart…”_

Finn tapped his fingers against his steering wheel in time to the beat as he drove. He was on his way to pick Rae up, excited to see her as he hadn’t seen her since Saturday. It was now Monday. He pulled up into the Aldi car park and was satisfied that he was right on time. He hated being late. He was picking her up from work and going to cook her dinner, watch a film with her and maybe get a little cuddle and a possible grope. His fingers tapped and he hummed, he had never really noticed The 1975 before but now; they were his new favourite band. Even though he disliked that Rae fancied Matt Healy; their music was gold.

He was beginning to grow impatient at seeing she was ten minutes late, had she forgotten? He pulled out his phone and rang her,

“Hello?”

“Rae, am outside. Where are you?”

He frowned as he heard her suck in a breath, so she had forgotten,  
“You were picking me up today, weren’t you! Oh, God, Finn. I am so sorry, I completely forgot. Chloe’s asked me to help her out with something.”

He took a deep breath, attempting to hold back a snappy response. He put the car into drive before asking, “It’s fine, where are you? I can pick you up if you’re finished?”

He awaited her answer and didn’t like how distracted she sounded, what could she be doing that required her to be so distant?

“No! Honestly, it’s fine. I’ll pop round after am done here," 

"Well I’ll save you the trouble of walking and I’ll come get you, what time will you be finished and where will you be?”

“Finn I-”

“What time and where?”

It was driving him nuts, what on Earth could she be doing? Even if she was going to say no he would still find out her whereabouts and go grab her anyway. He wasn’t going to have her avoid him as he could hear that’s exactly what she was doing, luckily for him it wasn’t going to get to that as he heard her sigh before admitting the defeat, “Alright, well, we’re at the doctor’s waiting to be seen. Should be out in about half an hour?”

This alerted him, although it was only Chloe he was still concerned as she was still a friend, “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah yeah, she’s just got really bad ear ache!" 

He rolled his eyes, he knew she was lying - he could even see now her bottom lip quiver as he had noticed the action was something she did if she was nervous or lying. He then told her an ok and that he would be there, six-thirty on the dot, before hanging up. Now what to do for half an hour…  
—————————————————————————————————————————————-  
"Ok, we’ve had the results of the urine sample and…” The doctor then flicked through the files before finding Chloe’s, he pulled her’s out and Chloe grabbed Rae’s hand tightly as she awaited for the news. She already knew it was coming but hearing it from a professional was going it make it a reality, “You are pregnant and um, you are six weeks.”

Before he could continue, Chloe then stated that she would like an abortion. Rae looked at her friend and was seven shades of shocked - her heart also aching. As, through the brave face and strong exterior; Chloe was heartbroken at her own words but it had to be done. The doctor was taken aback by the bluntness and he stated, “Yeah, well, that’s an option you could certainly consider. But you don’t have to decide anything today, we provide a counseling service where someone can talk to you one on one.”

“No, I don’t want any of that. I just want to get it over with,”

Rae so badly wanted to cuddle Chloe, she wanted to take her in her arms and remind her that it was ok to cry; it was ok to fall to bits as you didn’t have to always be strong. But all she could do was tighten her grip on Chloe’s hand.  
“Right, ok, well it’s up to me to make sure you have every opportunity to make the right decision for you so, let me book you in to see one of our adviser’s tomorrow and then if you still want to go ahead with it then, hey, that’s fine.”

Rae had already knew Chloe had made up her mind, once Chloe said that’s what she wanted then that was what was going to happen. End of. Although Rae didn’t necessarily agree with abortion; she knew Chloe was making a wise choice. Chloe was twenty years old, no job, still living at home and the dad was nowhere to be seen - it was the best decision. Even though it was the most painful, taking the words out of her friend’s mouth Rae then asked,

“Well, what happens if she does?”

The doctor then explained that Chloe were to take two pills - one tomorrow and then one on the Thursday. As he explained the procedure Rae turned to look at her friend and could only envy her. In Rae’s eyes there was always one thing Chloe was better than her at, holding it together. But when Chloe looked at her friend; Rae then saw it;

Maybe she wasn’t as good at it as what Rae thought.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Rae and Chloe sent Finn, who was now pulled up and watching them intently from the car, a small wave and smile before they turned to each other; unsure of who to speak first. Chloe bit the bullet and thanked her friend,

“It’s alright, are you sure you don’t want a lift?”

“It’s fine, I could do with a walk to be honest.”

The two shared an embrace, and Rae hovered, unsure of whether to leave her friend or stick by her side, “Chlo, are you sure? Honestly, he won’t mind.” And just like that, Chloe threw on her mask; she gave her friend a smile and nudged her with her shoulder, “Honestly, Rae, go! I’ll be fine, have fun and remember don’t do a me and make sure to use protection!” The two shared a giggle before Rae headed towards the car, climbing in. Finn held up a hand, sending Chloe a smile before turning to Rae, she gave him a kiss on the cheek before asking how he was. He made sure she was buckled in and then put the car in motion,

“Everything go alright?”

“Yeaaah, she’ll be fine. Gave her some drops and that, she’ll survive. So, what’s the plan for tonight?” Her over enthusiastic smiles made him feel on edge, he knew there was something she was hiding. He didn’t like liars and if they were going to be seeing each other then he wanted no secrets, but he didn’t want to pry. The confliction caused him to be cold and he simply stated food and a film before growing quiet - causing Rae to frown but also fall to a silence. Both knew if either said the wrong thing or pushed the wrong button; it would end terribly.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————–  
“That was amazing, Finn, I’m so full!” Rae shifted in her seat in an attempt to breathe after the delicious food she had just devoured. The two were now sat on the couch, beads of sweat glistened from their brows and their bellies begged to be let free from their jeans. An episode of How I Met Your Mother played lowly in the background and Finn had lit a few tea light candles; a warm glow overcasted the room and the two felt their eyes grow heavy. Rae now sat with her legs on the couch, Finn with one arm behind his head and the other rested on Rae’s thigh; his thumb gently grazing. The two fell to a silence as they watched television, as Finn let out a low laugh did Rae then look at him out of the corner of her eye.

He wore a nice and white, dress shirt, jeans and some finely crafted, dress shoes - Italian leather. What else. It all tied together with a silver Cartier watch, it hung loosely yet fitted and complimented his tanned and strong wrist. He looked divine, smelt it too. His fringe was beginning to grow long but Rae liked it, the way it had a little kink to it took years off of his face. Even his side profile was perfect. His nose wasn’t too big nor too small with a little curve to it that Rae just wanted to pinch. His jaw line, perfectly carved by the big man above, was something Rae had imagined herself kissing over and over for hours. And oh, those dust of freckles that collected across the bridge of his nose. His eyes were her favourite thing, she loved brown eyes as they weren’t show offs like blue or green; they were hidden beauties. They were warm and kind yet they teased you. His brown eyes were not just brown for when the sun hit them in a certain way you could see specks of gold shine and twinkle from them; it was something not many got to see, oh but when you did - you felt privileged to have witnessed it. 

“Finn…”

“Hmmm?”

He looked at her and his smile faltered as he felt it too. The corners of his mouth teased with a lustful smile, he turned to her and was slow with his movements as he wanted to savor the moment - he wanted to really feel it. He raised a hand and cupped her jaw, his thumb grazing her cheek. Her eyes closed and she inhaled deeply before exhaling as she reopened them. His eyebrows raised at her; awaiting consent. She then made the move and began to lean in, he mirrored her movement and did so himself. Her eyes glanced from his eyes to his lips and she could almost taste them. 

“I’m back!”

Finn’s eyes shut and his head dropped in defeat; sighing against Rae’s shoulder before he sat up straight and awaited for Orla to appear. She came in like a whirlwind, heading straight for the kitchen to grab a bottle of beer,  
“I have had a fucking nightmare of a day!”

She came into the living room, chucking her bag onto the floor and plonking herself down onto the office chair, she started telling them about a rude customer at work before Finn then looked at her,

“Orla.”

“And so I had to tell her that we didn’t have it in,”

“Orla.”

“And so she starts shouting at me and,”

“Orla.”

“What?!”

She then looked at Finn and Rae’s flushed faces before she saw the candles… The food… Lights off. She cringed inwardly at realising what she had just interrupted,

“Oh, God, you two are on a date aren’t you? Sorry, sorry, sorry! I’ll leave you to it,” With that she was gone. Rae turned to Finn and the two breathed a laugh, he gave a shake of his head before Rae pointed out, “We always get interrupted, I swear something doesn’t want us to kiss,” He looked from her lips to her face before he went to kiss her again but this time, she was the one who interrupted it and she pulled away, rising out of her seat, “It’s getting late and I’ve got work, fancy giving me a lift?”  
——————————————————————————————————————————————  
She hadn’t meant to have pulled away when she did, but she flaked out. It was her own words that spooked at her, maybe she was right. Maybe there was something that was stopping them from kissing. She thought it over and images of his face, his handsome face, popped into her mind. She was stood in front of her bedroom mirror, her hand ran over her bumps; her little muffin top that spilled slightly over her jeans. The longer she looked; more faults would appear. She hated herself, really hated herself. How could she even think for a second Finn liked her, someone so perfect and clever as Finn? Did he only pity her and only ever sat with her, bothered with her even is because he felt sorry for her? 

She could feel the darkness creeping in and her skin itched, her eyes glazed over and she was unable to stop the thick tears running from her eyes. She stripped herself of her clothes and made hast for the bathroom; ready for her punishment.


	16. Chapter 16

There were days when the world felt heavier, days when Rae felt paper thin and hollow. Today was one of those days. It was days where she didn’t feel like herself, she’d reach inside and come back empty handed. She asked her mum to call in for her and explain to Rob she didn’t have the energy, followed by continuous apologises and the promise that she’d work a double shift. She knew the shop couldn’t afford for her to take time off; but she just couldn’t get out of bed. She’d explain it to Rob herself but, her anxiety told her that she couldn’t do that. The black dog stared at her, from the end of the bed. Sometimes it’d move, sometimes it’d sit on her chest and sometimes it’d manifest in her mind.

Linda popped her head in, “I’ve rung Rob and he said take as long as you need and he’ll get someone else to come in,”

“Ok.”

“How you feeling now, chick?”

“Ok.”

Rae’s voice was so quiet and small that Linda thought she had imagined it. She hovered in the doorway, see although it had been just Linda and Rae for many years - Linda playing both roles of mum and dad - They never really bonded. It did hurt Linda that Rae was twenty years old and she still didn’t know to comfort her on her “Downer days.” She stayed quiet before moving to Rae’s bed and sitting on the end, she stared at Rae. She was so overwhelmed with sadness at looking at her daughter, who lay on her side and stared at the wall, that she was unable to speak. 

“Rae I-”

She stopped herself before she continued to watch her again. What was she supposed to say? She knew that because of a barely there bond Rae wouldn’t open up on what was making her like this. She went to say something else but left it, patting Rae’s leg and then leaving; closing the door quietly behind her. She wished that she had a stronger connection with her daughter; she wished she could cuddle her and it not feel awkward. But she blamed herself, for Linda was never one for comfort.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Not a peep was heard from Rae and Chloe, Rae’s silence unnerved Finn a lot more than Chloe’s. Chloe’s will have been because of that big secret Rae and her were keeping between each other, but Rae’s… Rae’s is what made him nervous. Had it been because he had scared her off with another almost kiss? Was it over before it had even properly began? It frightened him. He was particularly quiet during his meal with Louie and Charlie that evening, as a way of saying thank you Louie invited Finn to join them at their favourite Chinese place. Whenever Charlie and Louie invited Finn out; he became and felt a lot younger than he was - almost as if they were the parents and he was the man child. It was a drastic contrast considering he usually behaved the eldest. The most strange thing about their relationship with one another was that they all never behaved like Charlie had been shared between the two men, in fact, they behaved oddly normal considering. He was always open with them and he had a strong friendship with Charlie, he could tell her anything and wouldn’t think twice about going to her in a crisis. 

“You alright, Finn? Been dead quiet all night.”

Finn just nodded and said that he had a headache. But of course Louie didn’t fall for it and neither did Charlie, who then said,

“Finn, we’ve knew you for years and I know you aren’t the most talkative of sods but this is quiet even for you and plus you’ve barely touched your shui meis, and if that doesn’t say something’s up then I don’t know what does,”   
He attempted somewhat of a laugh before sighing darkly, pushing his food around his plate, “Rae’s been ignoring me and I don’t know what I’ve done, I’ve tried calling her but there’s been no answer,”

“Well, when’s the last time you spoke to her?”

“Yesterday?” He said sheepishly, which Charlie and Louie couldn’t help but laugh at, 

“Fucking hell I thought you meant like a week or something. Finn, that’s nothing, man. She’s probably been at work or busy, you need to chill out.”  
Now that he had spoke it out loud he had to agree, it did sound stupid but he just wanted to hear her voice; hear that she was in fact ok. 

“You love her.”

Charlie’s voice pulled him out of his deep thinking and he frowned, his cheeks felt suddenly warm, “What? No I don’t.”

Louie and Charlie gave him a look; which he gave one back.  Love? They must be joking. He barely knew Rae, well not barely as they were seeing each other… Weren’t they? Oh! He didn’t know. And he was so fed up. He looked up from his plate and shook his head, “Stop it. I do not love her, like I like her as I wouldn’t be seeing her otherwise but love? Don’t make me laugh.”

“Finn, you don’t have to preach to the choir alright? It’s your business but am just saying you must feel something other than just like if you’re stressing over not speaking to her after one day. I mean fucking hell the last girlfriend you had, _a million years ago_ , you went weeks without speaking to her and you weren-”

“Rae isn’t my girlfriend.”

“Fine, you’re seeing her. Whatever, the point is there’s obviously a lot more to it on your behalf. A lot more than you’re letting on and am just saying it’s not like you to care so much,”

Louie looked from his girlfriend to Finn, “Charlie’s right, mate, you obviously like her a lot more than what you think. Look, I need someone to mind my house in Chester next weekend. Why don’t you take her down there, just you and her, get to know her, show her round, sort things out. I promise you now you take her away and she’ll be all over you like flies on shit.”

Finn grimaced at Louie’s words; just the last part. The grimace was wiped away and replaced with a pensive look. Maybe a weekend of just them two would do it, he could show her around, romance her and then lay it out on the table for her. The question was, would she say yes? Maybe he was best asking the others to tag along as he knew although he and Rae were seeing each other; she still wasn’t entirely comfortable with him and a weekend away with just them two was out of the question.

“Am I alright to take a few of my mates?”

Louie licked the bbq sauce off of his fingers, chewed his rib and nodded, “Yeah, course, pal. Take whoever you like.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————  
The following day Rae decided to lock her black cloud in her wardrobe and put on a brave face as she met up with Chloe at the clinic. The room was quiet and only had her, Chloe and the woman behind the desk within the room. Chloe’s knee bounced nervously. The inside was all formal, old water-stained magazines and the smell of anti-septic. The colours of the room were grey, white, and royal blue. She took a deep breath and glanced at the clock that hung slightly tilted upon the wall; Chloe couldn’t stop the smile that spread out onto her lips as she thought about how mad Rae would go at the clock being crooked if she noticed. Chloe’s smile faltered as she caught glance of the receptionist who gave her a weird look before she then dropped her gaze onto the floor; she couldn’t help but suck in a breath and nervously exhale as the sound of the clock grew louder.

**Tick… Tick… Tick…**  
And Chloe’s ears twitched as she picked up the sounds of the receptionist’s ballpoint pen tapping against a notepad.

**Tap… Tap… Tap…**

Chloe’s knee bounced more with nerves as the sounds grew louder, the more she grew intune with them.

**Tap… Tick… Tap… Tick…**

Was she doing the right thing?

**Tap… Tick… TAP… TICK…**

Maybe she could keep it… Put it up for adoption. It didn’t always have to be this way, her chest was growing tighter and tighter; she could feel her emotions welling to boiling point.

**TAP… TICK… TAP… TI-**

“Chlo?” Spoke Rae softly, shaking her friend’s shoulder. Chloe then pulled herself out of her thoughts and looked up, “Huh?”

“Are you alright?" 

Chloe nodded, mustering up somewhat of a smile before she sat back. Rae was unsure of what to do; comfort  Chloe or leave her be? What shocked Rae next was Chloe’s words,

"You know am sorry about everything. It’s just I see you with everyone, you know? The lads. And, you’re so funny and clever and I just… I wish sometimes I’d get the chance to be seen as funny.”

“You are funny, oh, Chloe. The boys all love you.”

Chloe shook her head, not having any of it. It was now she looked at Rae, really looked at her,

“I didn’t get invited out after a week though, did I.”

The two fell to a silence and both began to grow deep in thought. Chloe thought over Rae’s words and Rae with Chloe’s. Rae could see that Chloe didn’t need such seriousness right now and so she scooted over, looping her arm through her friend’s. She then started up a game they used to play when they were little, both giggling and becoming young again. It was only when a nurse entered and Chloe’s name was called did their laughter falter and they became old.


	17. Chapter 17

Rae had avoided everyone but Chloe for the week, only reason why she stuck by Chloe’s side is so she didn’t go through the final appointment alone. She ignored his calls and ignored his texts, and Finn couldn’t deny that he was worried. He had heard through Chloe that she was ok and so it wasn’t that, that bothered him - it was the worry that he had gone through such an effort for her and now he could feel her slipping through his fingertips. 

  
He woke up in a thunderous mood that day and decided enough was enough. He put his foot down, weaving in and out of cars. The car came to a screeching halt as he pulled up into the Aldi car park, throwing his car door open and slamming it shut. He didn’t even bother to lock it, his feet pounded against the pavement as he made hast for the record shop. He threw the door open and stormed in, the noise of the door hitting against the window alerted Rob. Rob was stood behind the desk and frowned, “Can I help you, mate?”

“Is she here?! Rae!” Finn tried to move to the back when Rob stood in front of him, placing a hand on his chest. Finn smacked his hand away, “Don’t fucking touch me, now move, I need to see Rae,” They scuffled with one another before Rae came out, standing between them, “Rob! It’s ok, I’ve got it.” He and Finn stood, glaring at one another. Rae stared at him before saying, “Rob… Please?” He stood for a moment before saying to Rae, “I’ll be in the back if you need me,” Finn scoffed as Rob walked away. 

He turned his gaze from the back of Rob to her, the frown deeply creased his forehead. His nostrils flared and his jaw was tight. She now realised it was just them two and coward slightly, unable to look at him,

“Why are you being a dickhead?”

“Don’t call me a dickhead.”

“You’ve been ignoring me, deny it.”

She fell to a silence, unable to answer. She moved around him and over to the sale racks, “Fixing” Them. Finn could feel a sense of de ja vu. His fists bunched up at his sides but he didn’t appear angry but more upset as he asked,

“What is it… Is it cause of the other night? Am sorry if I overstepped a boundry but look, Rae, I really like you and am sorry we keep getting interuptted all the time but that’s just fate’s way of saying that we need to wait and make it really special.”

It was alien to her, Finn speaking so heart-felt. He was so kind and caring and sweet, it made her dislike for herself increase. She hated that she avoided him and judging by the sagged eye bags and unkempt hair; she had seen her ignoring him took a bigger effect than what she realised. She swallowed,

“It’s not that.”

He then moved more forward, their bodies almost touching, “Then what is it?”

“I just need space.”

“Bullshit, Rae.”

“What do you mean bullshit?”

“You don’t need space, you’re just scared as when people say they need space it’s just their way of saying that they’re afraid of getting too close. Look, I would never hurt you. I promise, please, believe me.”

“It’s not that.” She repeated, trying to work up the nerve to confess.

“Then _what_ is it, Rae?!”

She paused before closing her eyes, taking a deep breath to prepare herself. She then opened them as she exhaled, looking at him, “I just don’t get it.”

“Get what?" 

"You’re an 11 and I’m a 4.”

“I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You should be going out with people like Chloe, not someone like me. Most people when they see us must think, ‘He must be mad going out with that.”   
“That what?” She couldn’t answer and he knew exactly what 'That’ She meant. It angered him, did she not see what he saw? Why was everything about weight and looks with her? Her weight was nothing compared to her beauty or intelligence. Her weight was non existent in his eyes, not everything revolved around it. He was sick of her silence and shouted, “THAT WHAT?!” She flinched and he softened; attempting to block fear from worming it’s way through her system. He continued, he felt like he was going burst, “You don’t tell me who I can and can’t fancy all right? _That_ , is mine. _That_ , belongs to me. No one else, no one, not even you.”

“So why do you like me?!”

Their tension was wrapping an invisible lasso around them, bringing them closer together as they got in each other’s faces,

“Because I just do, that’s why!”

“But why?!”

“Just because! Now, are you gonna stop being a dickhead?!”

“Stop calling me a dickhead, you’re the dickhead!”

He saw it. It was there, this was it. He grabbed her by the back of the head and smashed their lips together. He kissed her, he had finally kissed her. He tightened his grip on her, holding her face against his so hard it was beginning to hurt. There were no fireworks, just that warm and good feeling. You know the kind, where you put that really special, creamy kind of butter upon your toast and eat it whilst the sun comes up. The kind of warmth that dances along your skin as you laze in the sun. That’s all they could feel; warm.

As they pulled away Rae’s eyes rapidly blinked and her legs wobbled. He smiled as he pressed his forehead against her’s, he stroked her face and breathed a laugh as she said quietly, “You’re the dickhead.”

“You’re the dickhead,” He then bobbed her on the nose before the two laughed once more, “Rae, in all seriousness, I like you. Please, believe me. I mean what made you think like this?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it but am sorry I’ve been ignoring you, I guess I was just being paranoid.”

He could see there was so much more to it, but he was trying to change. So, he was patient and would continue being patient until she was ready to talk, “Don’t worry about it, listen, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Louie needs his house in Chester minding for the weekend and has asked me, so, I was wondering if you’d like to join me?”

Her stomach fluttered at this. She looked at him and was suddenly a bag of nerves, “Wha-what just me and you?” She felt her nerves float away as he shook his head, he told her that it would be them two, their little gang and Orla. Before she even knew what she was doing she was looking into those big, puppy dog brown eyes and saying she would love to. He beamed a smile and told her that he had to go as he had left the car unlocked. As they bid their goodbyes, not forgetting to give Rae a kiss, he then left with the biggest smile on his face.

Rae’s heart fluttered as she watched him leave; her cheeks now burning bashfully. She then realised and her face fell;

How the hell was she going to persuade Linda to let her go away for a weekend…  
————————————————————————————————————————————–  
It was all about timing with her mum. Get her timing right and Rae could practically have anything. It was now Thursday, she had 24 hours to get Linda to say yes. Linda was leaning against the kitchen work top, ankles crossed and a cup of tea in hand. Judging by the furrowed brow and the heavy bags under her mother’s eyes; Rae’s chances were looking very slim.

“Alright, mum?" 

"Hiya, love.”

A heavy sigh followed, obviously a rough shift at the hospital. Which Rae asked, Linda just explained that it was simply the shifts overall and how they were taking their toll and Rae couldn’t agree more; it took a lot to be a nurse. A lot of patience and energy. Linda could tell Rae was creeping around her and was itching to ask something, so, as bluntly as she could she asked,

“Come on, spit it out.”

“Chloe’s asked me to go away with her and her parents for the weekend, it’s to their summer house in Chester and it’s only from tomorrow till Sunday night.”

“How much?" 

"Nothing, I would need just my clothes.”

“And her parents are definitely going?”

Rae’s hope lifted, her eyes shined with it. She explained that they would definitely be going and she could even speak to them if she wished; but Linda, who was simply too tired, explained that Rae was a twenty year old woman. Although still fragile and as long as she had her phone on at all times then there was no reason why she couldn’t go. That was surprisingly easy, Rae felt a little disheartened that her big speech she had prepared and practiced since Finn had asked her would now be going to waste. But, she just thanked her mum and told her that she would call her every day, although only three days apart, it seemed reasonable. Rae wasted no time, now with a spring in her step, into rushing upstairs to call Finn and tell him she could go. 

She couldn’t believe it. Her, going on a weekend getaway - with a man! A real life man, who was handsome and kind and… _Liked her._ Not Chloe, not Izzy, but her. Her days as a teen kissing her Alex Turner poster and perving off of boys at school were long over for she now was dating a living, breathing man! And he was taking her away. She wondered what Chester was like, judging by Louie’s car and the designer suits he wore; it was going to be exquisite. But it wasn’t about money with Rae, yes, it was nice to know that Finn was financially stable as he could take her on dates; and they wouldn’t be sitting at home together every weekend because they were both too broke to go anywhere but it didn’t matter to her. Finn was all that mattered to her. Of course, she was relieved that it wasn’t just going to be them - she wouldn’t have said yes if that was the case. For, she needed some female company; to tell her what to do if she found herself lost. 

Her phone buzzed on her beside table, her smile dropped as she read the text;

 _Bring ur swimmin cozzie as Louie has a pool….. ;)_ xx

Oh fuck.


	18. Chapter 18

Rae flung back her curtains as she dived out of bed that morning and the shine of the sun illuminated her room. Glorious, heavenly light that shone through the airy, whispy clouds, signifying a new day. They parted, presenting a beautiful sky beneath. She got ready for work that morning with, not a spring, but a bounce in her step. If you had, had asked Rae the other day what colours could she see then she would only speak of the greys and the blacks but now, she would tell you how the sky dripped in different shades of blue, and how the sun and grass bathed in the most prettiest of yellow and greens. All Rae could now see was colour. 

  
Her shift dragged on but her high spirits stuck by her. Instead of the usual six, Rob let Rae out at four and she practically skipped home. She was peeled out of her work clothes, showered and changed; even putting a little curl in her hair and mascara on by the time Finn pulled up outside and God, he was the most stunning man Rae had ever beheld. With his arms and ankles crossed as he leaned against the hood of the BMW, Finn had borrowed the car as they wouldn’t be able to all fit in his NX which Orla drove, he wore a pair of wayfayers that flatteringly framed his face. She drank him in, and God, she could drink him forever. He wore just a plain, crew neck white t-shirt and black jeans but he still pulled it off - making the outfit his own. He pushed himself off of the hood of the car and held out his hands as she approached him, he placed them both on either side of her face and gave her a long but gentle kiss. His lips were honey, the sweetest honey Rae had ever tasted. When he pulled away, sending her a smile, Rae’s lips grew cold. She wanted more, she needed more.

“How are we, beautiful?" 

She blushed and told him she was fine. Rae had now noticed that in the car was Chop and Archie, and the car behind them had the three girls. Rae now blushed at noticing they had all been watching. Finn took her large, overnight bag off of her and moved to the boot whilst she climbed in. She talked briefly to the boys in the back, politely declining a sip of their vodka bottle. Finn now had a joined them and checked all were buckled in before Chop roared a "Let’s do this!”

As they drove Finn took one hand off of the steering wheel, took her hand in his and brought it up to his lips, planting one soft kiss, “How was work?” Although he now lowered her hand, he still kept hold of it on his thigh; driving with one hand effortlessly. She told him fine, asking him how was the gym and his day. Their little moment went amiss between the two in the back; who playfully messed about and bickered over who turn it was to drink from the bottle. Rae and Finn shared a look before rolling their eyes and letting out a laugh. He then let go of her hand as he flicked on the indicator. Rae felt confident in her outfit today; a plain white t-shirt with light blue, ripped jeans. Although Rae knew self-love should come from one’s self; it was because of him. She couldn’t help but watch him and feel something she wasn’t quite sure of, it kissed her skin and tasted like cherry cola. Between the two friends bickering in the back, the sun setting and the handsome man beside her; Rae was happy. She wasn’t sure whether she falling for the moment or Finn, but she was falling hard. He was her Oasis.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Two hours was enough time to get absolutely annihilated; and that’s exactly what Chop and Archie did. Although Finn was paranoid of them vomiting on the back seats; he was content. The two cars, Finn’s in front, pulled up to the big, electronic, wrought-iron gates and Finn pulled out the little button. He clicked it and the gates slid open; earning a “Whoa.” From Archie, Rae and Chop as the car pulled onto the drive. 

The redbricked home wasn’t designed like a usual home - but more round than square. The house was set on a long, endless sea of fresh green. The usual grey gravel stones on the drive were a mixture of different shades of brown - ranging from oak to sand. The entrance was curved which above it had a window and a small, black railed balcony. The rest of the house was all tall and narrow, all varying in height; some walls of the house were forward and some were back. All in all it was very Victorian and something Rae thought only a footballer and his WAG would live in. It was timeless and rustic, true old English countryside. 

The two cars parked up, the gates so well oiled that if it weren’t for them scraping against the gravel then they would be soundless. The gang all climbed out and could only stare in awe; all bar Finn. Finn was amused at their amazed stares; surprised that even Chloe’s mouth hung open. Finn pulled the bags out of the boot, passing them to each owner before grabbing his own and closing the lid shut - as did Orla. He flung his olive, oversized bag over his shoulder and asked, “So, wanna all see your rooms?”

This earned a frown from a sobering Chop, “Hang on why do you get to pick?”

“Er cause you all wouldn’t be here without me.”

Chop could only shrug in agreement. They headed on inside after Finn fished the keys out and unlocked the looming and long, wooden door. The inside was ten times the size of the out; earning a “Fucking hell, it’s The Tardis,” From Archie. Marble floors, huge spotlights, high ceilings, endless mirrors, and doors. The hallway was long and narrow, every move you made upon the floor echoed throughout the house. Finn placed his sunglasses on top of his head and then told them where their rooms where and who would be with who; Archie and Chop would be sharing, Chloe and Izzy, Orla had her own and of course Finn was with Rae - the couple had the master’s. As the gang raced to their rooms up the white-tiled grand staircase, all giggling and shouting in excitement, Finn turned to Rae and held out his hand, “Wanna go see our room, girl?”   
——————————————————————————————————————————————  
Bellies full from the pasta Finn cooked and now tipsy from red wine, this red wine was something he fished out from the cellar and was one of Louie’s more expensive wines, all now collected in the second sitting room which was equipped with a bar and matched the rest of the house - tasteful and long as it was wide. The gang all now tipsy, Chop and Archie had sobered up but now could feel the red wine begin to take effect, were all sat on the long, giant, black, fabric corner couch. The wine wasn’t sour like normal red wines, it was earthy with a fruity aftertaste but still rich. The men were playing a game of black jack whilst the girls, bar Rae who Finn wouldn’t let leave his side, giggled and talked in their own, drunken bubble. 

Although Rae was wary at drinking at first, after her first glass of red wine and seeing the sickness was nowhere in sight; she kept up with everyone - maybe because she had been on her  tablets for a while that her body was getting used to them and the vomiting when drinking was just an early side effect. The effects of the alcohol fuzzed Rae’s mind; her movements were sluggish and her cheeks felt warm. She wasn’t drunk but just tipsy; the stage of happiness where everything felt great and she felt invincible, confident and downright sexy. Although sat away; she joined in with the girls and giggled and gabbed.  

She turned from the girls and to Finn and she swallowed before licking her lips - she wanted him. He too was feeling tipsy and giddy from the red wine. He lit a cigarette and Rae watched the way his lip puckered around the orange tip as he took a drag, the smoke exhaling from his mouth made her lower region twitch and her knickers became damp. Oh, she wanted him and she wanted him bad.

“Fuck’s sake, Archie, you win again,” Chop whined, he and Finn continued the game before Finn threw down his last cards and Chop let out another whine. As Archie collected the cards and shuffled them, Orla stopped him before he could deal them out, “No! No more, put the cards away and let’s do some shots!” This earned a cheer. As Orla rushed to the bar to get sambuca, Finn sat back in his seat; resting a hand on Rae’s thigh - his cigarette occupying his other. He and Rae looked at each other, she turned on her best seductive smile and lowly spoke, “Finn?" 

"Yes?”

“Wanna go to bed?”

“Am not tired.”

“No, I mean…” She raised her eyebrows, which he mirrored; his more with surprise at the suggestion. He gave her a once over and smirked, he had never finished a cigarette so quickly. He put the nicotine out into the ashtray before rising out of his seat, grabbing Rae by the hand and practically dragging her out the room and upstairs. The walk from the sitting room to the master bedroom felt longer than earlier - maybe it was because the alcohol made his legs a lot heavier and his movements were slow. 

Once he reached the door he pushed Rae against it; smashing his lips into her’s. Their kisses were sloppy and their tongues battled for dominance. His hand found the door knob and he pushed it open, guiding Rae into the room. Their mouths and hands never left each other as he backed her further into the room; the back of`her knees hit the bed and they both fell on to it - he landing on top of her. They wriggled further up the bed and continued to kiss. Their hands roamed one another’s bodies as they were desperate to feel each other as much as they could. Her mouth left his and kissed along his jaw, nipping at his ear lobe; causing him to let out a hearty and deep growl. He reconnected their lips and tugged at her leg; begging her to wrap them both around him - which she obeyed. He ground his hips into her and rubbed his crouch against her’s; the seam of his jeans grew tight as his member begged to be let free. It was agonizing. He pulled away and his chest rose heavily up and down as he looked down at her, taking her all in as she lay there; vulnerable and his. 

He looked so raw and primal, the puffed lips, dark eyes  and tousled hair; he had never looked so sexy. He pulled his t-shirt over his head in one swift movement, aimlessly tossing it to the side before coming back down on Rae; crashing his lips into her’s. He ached to rag her t-shirt off of her, take off her bra and set her breasts free but he came to and realised. He pulled away and shook his head, she whined and asked what was wrong; her voice heavy and shaky as she attempted to catch her breath,

“No, Rae, not like this.”

“Wha-what do you mean?”

“Rae, as much as I would love to fuck you on this bed, now’s not the right time. One, you’re drunk and two, I want it to be special for you." 

She went to respond but she shot up, pushing him out the way and heading for the bathroom. Her body getting used to the tablets didn’t mean the sickness was non existent; it was just delayed. He watched as she shut the door, he would check she was ok when the room would stop spinning. He lay back onto the bed; throwing an arm over his face and he groaned. What was happening to him? This wasn’t Finn. The Finn he once knew wouldn’t care and would’ve had her naked and bent over the bed. The old Finn would’ve had his head between her long and creamy thighs by now. He could feel himself beginning to lose the old Finn, and he came to the realisation that maybe Charlie and Louie were right; he was hopelessly, irretrievably falling in love with her.


	19. Chapter 19

Her head ached like a bitch and her mouth was dry, feeling like she had been chewing on sand. Her eyes refused to give in to the light and she kept them shut; knowing the moment they would open the sun would blind her. 

“Rae…. Rae…” Her hand reached out before her, searching the open air before landing on his face - his skin was warm and smooth. He even felt beautiful. She felt his warm breath against the palm of her hand as he laughed and asked, “What are you doing?”

“Trying to find the snooze button.” She cracked one eye open to see him crouched down before her, wearing only plaid pajama bottoms and heavy, tired eyes. Her hand dropped and slid underneath the pillow as she lay on her front, how did she even get into bed? He rose and stood up straight; looking down at her. 

“Come on, everyone’s waiting for you as breakfast’s ready.”

She whined, shutting her eyes and asking for five more minutes. She listened as she heard his feet shuffling against the floorboard, the bed shifted in weight as he crawled from the end of the bed and up towards her; she felt his hands lay on the bed either side of her as he hovered. He leaned his head down and lowly, playfully warned, “Don’t make me drag that quilt off you." 

"Shhh, five more minutes,” She sleepily mumbled into the pillow, sighing with content but still kept her eyes closed. She felt the bed move and her back grow cold. Thinking he’d left her be, she lazily smiled as she nuzzled her cheek back into the pillow. What surprised her next was the quilt being ripped from her, ignoring the ill feeling; her eyes shot open and they narrowed into two slits, “You have five seconds before I get out this bed and smack you.”

“Oh yeah? Come and get me.”

She moved onto her back before slowly rising. They challenged each other with a look before she shot out of the bed, chasing after him.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————  
If there was anything to cure a hangover; it was to laze in the sun. The back garden was more like a field and seemed to go on for miles; Rae felt sorry for the person who had to mow the lawn. The sun beated down and sweated out all the toxins from their bodies. Chloe, Izzy and Orla lay on seperate, colourful towels, either on their front or backs, all in shorts and bikini tops; hair thrown up into a mess on top of their heads and the hangover well and truly in motion. Rae lay by the girls but not on a towel and on the grass, a pair of sunglasses on and a bottle of icy water in her hand. 

The men of the group, bar Finn, were all spread out onto the grass also. They all lay still, like a group of zombies. Finn jogged over, he found his own cure to a hangover was a nice bit of exercise. The gang wished they could think “Wow, what a great human” When in fact all they could think was “What a prick.” He laughed at the sight before him, “Have you all been here since I left?” They all groaned in unison, his voice too loud for their sore heads. He shook his head, grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler and sat down by Rae. 

He looked down at Rae, well more her breasts, he mentally scolded himself for not taking it further last night. They were so big… So plump…. He looked away, hoping no one could see the crotch of his sweatpants grow a little tight. After taking a sip of his water he then asked, looking around, 

“Anyone up for going to grab a bite to eat? There’s a great little place I kn-”  
“Finn.” He looked at Izzy, raising his eyebrows. She then continued, “Shhh, nap time. Izzy hungover,” Her head then dropped back to her towel. He felt annoyed at them, they were here to get out and do things - not laze around in the sun. It may have been a little break away and time to relax but there were still so many things he wanted to show them. There was a little part to him that was happy, as it would be just him and Rae. He looked down at her and asked,

“You up for it, cheeky?”

She groaned and told him to go get changed, knowing it was useless saying no to him.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Although the walk to town was only ten minutes; Rae asked if they could take the car - her legs too sore and heavy. They climbed out, Finn locking the car, and Rae was in awe at the quaint, Tudor-looking town. The streets were clean and a lot more rich in culture and taste compared to the streets of Stamford. Older women and suited men wandered about, even the teenagers that loitered were dressed to the nines - all WAGS in the making. 

Finn’s hand scooped Rae’s in his, intertwining their fingers. He guided her down the high street, taking her over to a tiny, cute and neat little cafe. The cafe was small and had the theme of old-fashioned, white and French. It was private but open. It was the kind of place that people called a “Hidden gem” It was lovely. Stylish and not tacky, not too white but that perfect contrast. A place where break-ups, make-ups, gossip, reunions and such were held. 

The little bell above dinged as they entered, he led her over to a table in the back. Just a few old women having a chin wag occupied the place; those and the people who worked there. They took their seats opposite each other and picked up a menu, scanning the contents. The two commented on what they thought looked nice. The server, a cute and perky, pretty little blonde approached them; pen and pad in hand, “Hi, guys, I’m Alice and I’ll be your server for today. What can I get you?” Rae disliked how long the girl lingered her stare on Finn. Finn decided on a tuna panini with the garden salad and a side of chips and a water, Rae chose the same and the waitress took the menus; sent Finn a smile and left.

Mindless conversation was passed between the two as they awaited their food and drink. Once it came more mindless conversation and even laughter was passed. Between their bites and talk Rae could not help but continually glance between Finn and Alice, along with her co worker who was also another perky blonde, and she felt herself pushing her food away; using the excuse of her hangover making her feel ill. Finn was oblivious to Rae’s paranoid stares; but to Rae she wasn’t being paranoid and they were in fact talking about her.

“Rae?”

Hadn’t realising she had zoned out, she apologised and he laughed before growing serious, he wiped the corners of his mouth with his napkin before exhaling, “Look, there’s a reason I brought you out here. I know I brought everyone with us but I was just afraid of you saying no if it were going to be just me and you. I know we’ve only been seeing each other a week, and I know this sounds crazy and you may think tha-”

“Oh God, you’re not going to ask me to marry you are you?” She joked but her smile fell as he didn’t return her laughter, the panic set in as she then asked, “You weren’t, were you?!”

“No! God, no, imagine it. What I was going to ask was… What are we?”

She frowned, “Seeing each other… Aren’t we?”

“I know that but, let me rephrase the question; what do you want to be?”  
This was strange, unknown and alien to her. What did he mean? Was he hinting at something? She had never been in this situation before and so, was unsure of what to answer. Weren’t they allowed to be still for one moment, enjoy now and worry about tomorrow, you know, tomorrow? Why did he have to be so full on all the time, not everything was always just black and white. It took Rae a long time to realise that herself and could see Finn was still very much in that frame of mind; of being unable to see the grey area. But that’s how Finn had always been, black and white, hate or love, full on or nothing at all. 

“Well, I’d like to be this. What are you saying, Finn?" 

"Am saying that I don’t think this is enough, now, look I know I sound like I may be rushing things but you don’t understand how much I like you, Rae, and well what I want to ask is…. Will you be my girlfriend?" 

He was right, it was rushing things. Rae held her breath and she froze, like a deer caught in headlights. She didn’t know what to say, yes? No? She’d think about it? Could she put up with the stares from girls as they went out to eat, them whispering about her on discovering who she was? Could she put up with him disappearing all of the time, then coming back smelling of perfume and secrets? Watching him box, having to obey every time he told her yes or no? This was too quick, they had only just realised their feelings for each other and now he wanted her to be his girlfriend. His girlfriend, it even sounded strange in her mind. She had watched this amongst friends for many years; them agreeing to partnership with a boy they had been seeing a week and it crashing and burning within two. Could Rae handle that? It even hurt her just to think about him suddenly waking up one day and realising the mistake he had made, she couldn’t take the rejection. Which is why she was surprised when she answered,

"Yes.”  
——————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Rae couldn’t take the two girls staring and whispers any longer and she was relieved to get out of the cafe. Other than that, the food and conversation was lovely. Their bellies were full and they decided it was time to leave - Finn laughing and joking about how he hoped the gang hadn’t burnt down the place in their absence. They walked hand in hand and Rae awed and ooh'ed at the town. Finn watched her and could only smile, she was his. She was finally his. He got to touch her, he got the honour of making her laugh and he got the privilege of seeing her wake up and fall asleep. 

As they walked a young, tracksuit clad teenage boy bumped into Rae as he walked past, telling her to watch where she was going. She frowned and scoffed, how rude. But what she was not expecting was her hand to grow cold and Finn leave her side; he grabbed the youth and slammed him into a wall. Rae stood, frozen. Her eyes glanced around and felt the embarrassment wash over her as ongoers watched. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing, Finn - her Finn - pinning a young and skinny boy against the wall, screaming in his face to say sorry to her. 

“Finn, let go of him. You’re hurting him!”

The boy was crying, saying sorry over and over. Rae cried for Finn to get off. He turned, his arm against the boy’s throat as he pinned the kid against the wall. He threw Rae the keys and told her,

“Get in the car, Rae.”

This wasn’t the Finn she had previously just been sat with three minutes ago, this Finn had a clenched jaw and a fire blazing in his eyes - this was an almost inhuman Finn he was that furious. She caught the keys and stood still, her vision blurred and she could feel her legs wobble, she attempted to get him off the boy as she asked, choking on her own tears,

“Finn, leave it, please! It was an accident, he’s said he’s sorry!”

“ _Get in the car, Rae!_ ” He didn’t even look at her this time and only spoke over his shoulder, the boy now gasped for air as Finn had tightened his grip on the boy’s neck. He was shouting at him, asking him did he like being rude to woman and other things Rae couldn’t quite hear. She couldn’t believe she was walking away and heading for the car. Although Rae didn’t want to be alone with Finn, especially with him being in such an angry state, she didn’t want to upset him any further and obeyed. She unlocked the car and climbed in. 

Her gaze turned to outside and she watched with a frightened and intense stare, it was like a car crash. No matter how much she wanted to look away; she couldn’t. She held her breath as she awaited whatever was to come and she flinched as she watched Finn’s head jerk forward; landing a sickening head butt onto the lad. The kid melted into a mess on the floor, Finn dusted himself off and stormed over to the car. Rae cowered into her seat as he climbed in. She jumped as he slammed his door. As he started the car and sped it out of the street, Rae watched out of her peripheral vision; unable to take her stare off of him. She noted that he had now shed his jacket and the veins in his arms apparent as he gripped the steering wheel. 

Rae had never been so frightened of him. She had just finally learned to bury her fears and now they were being dug up again. She now kept her gaze on her hands in her lap as they dug half moons into the palm of her hand. She flinched but didn’t look up as he asked, now miraculously calm, “Are you alright?”

“Just take me back.” Her voice came out in a whisper. All she could do was avoid his stare and cry for the drive. She felt the car come to a halt and was surprised but relieved to see they were back. She wasted no time into jumping out of the car, slamming the door shut and racing to the front door; ignoring him calling and chasing after her. She ran inside and for upstairs, his panicked shouts alerted the other’s in the front room.

Finn stood at the bottom of the stairs and shouted, his tone made the girls in the living room flinch as nothing was more frightening than a man shouting, “Rae! Come down here now and talk to me! _NOW_!” But was just answered with the master’s bedroom door being slammed shut. He shut his eyes, exhaled and his jaw tensed as he re opened them. He looked at the gang before his nostrils flared and his eyes grew dark, he moved past the living room and headed for the gym; in search of a punch bag. 

The gang shared a bewildered look before Chop rose, “I’ll go sort him.” He went to leave but stopped and returned, “Orla, go sort Rae.” Chop then left and as Orla went to leave Chloe frowned and asked, “Why do you get to go and not me? I’m her best mate.” All Orla did was give her a once over, scoffed and left for the stairs.  
——————————————————————————————————————————–  
Rae was now packing her bag, unable to think or even breathe. She heard a knock on the door and Orla, muffled through the thick wood, softly asked, “Rae, it’s Orla, can I come in?”

Rae wiped away her tears, cleared her throat and told her to come in. Orla, timid and unsure of what to expect, popped her head through before slowly entering; shutting the door behind. She approached Rae and ask her what had happened. The tears were unable to be kept in Rae’s tear ducts and they flowed freely as she attempted to explain. Orla walked over and guided Rae down onto the bed, rubbing her back and told her to take a deep breath. Rae did so before calming herself enough and began to explain,

“I don’t know what happened, we were having a nice meal, a lovely talk and we were… We were happy and then some kid knocked into me and fair enough he was rude but Finn… He got him, by the throat and started screaming at him and I didn’t know what to do and… Oh God, he was terrifying the poor kid. He made me wait in the car and then he headbutted him… And, Orla, I have never seen Finn so angry but I don’t understand the kid only knocked into me, he didn’t call me any names or tried to hit me or anything terrible and I just-” Rae stopped and couldn’t breathe, really couldn’t breathe. She could feel the walls beginning to close in and the room suddenly become unbearably warm. 

“Rae… Rae, look at me.” She grabbed Rae by the face and told her to take a deep breath and exhale. But Rae couldn’t, she felt like she was breathing through a straw. Once seeing that wasn’t going to work, Orla rose and stood before a panicking Rae. She pointed at her eyes and told Rae to keep looking at her, she grabbed Rae by the hands and slowly helped her out of her seat. She guided Rae, watching her own steps as she walked backwards and kept reminding Rae to keep her eyes on her, before leading her out onto the balcony. She told Rae to put her hands on the railing and keep her head down.

This technique was passed on to Orla through Finn’s mother; who found it worked when Finn was having a really bad panic attack - take them outside and get them to lean on something. As Orla reminded Rae to keep breathing as best as she could; she rubbed her back. 

All that kept flashing in Rae’s mind was Finn headbutting that young lad and Rae couldn’t help but think, would he ever hurt her if he got to that point of anger in an argument with her? It made Rae crumble and she let out a strangled cry. Orla helped Rae onto the floor, Rae’s back against the railing and Orla knelt down in front of her; she kept reminding Rae to look at her and breathe. 

It took a while to calm Rae down but she eventually did even her breathing and was stable enough. Orla was now sat crossed legged before Rae, rubbing her legs as another attempt of calming her friend down. Orla asked if Rae was ok. Rae was now embarrassed with her behaviour and could only apologise,  
“Rae, don’t ever apologise for having a panic attack. Don’t ever feel ashamed or anything of the kind, I am here for you, ok? They are a part of you and never feel like you should apologise for something you cannot control. Are you sure you feel better?”

“Yeah, I feel miles better. Thank you, Orla,”

Before Orla could respond; Chloe and Izzy appeared. Instead of her usual and dramatic self; Chloe appeared actually upset for her friend. She asked timidly if Rae was ok. Rae nodded and said she just got a little upset. But Chloe being Chloe couldn’t help herself,

“I hate to be the one to say I told you so about Finn, Rae, but-” She was stopped by Orla, who shook her head and mouthed, “Not now.” Chloe then just mumbled something or other and grew awkward. Izzy tried to lighten the mood and suggested, “I know, why don’t just the girls look for some dvds and have a girly night?” The three of her friends all smiled at Rae, Chloe and Orla said that would do Rae some good. Although Rae wanted to just crawl into bed and be on her own, the panic attack so big and overwhelming it wore her out, Rae agreed that, that sounded wonderful.

Izzy, like a big child, ran off in search for dvds and some wine. Orla helped Rae up and the two followed Chloe into the room. Orla asked Rae if she would be alright whilst she helped Izzy before getting a confirmation and then leaving. Chloe gave Rae a small smile before going to leave, Rae pulled her back,  
“Chloe, will you stay with me? I know it’s only five minutes but I just really don’t want to be alone.”

Chloe couldn’t have said yes quick enough, unable to stop the smug feeling that Rae had chosen her over Orla to sit with her. Chloe moved Rae’s bag off of the bed, placed it gently on the floor and slipped off of her shoes. Rae took off her own shoes and the two slid under the covers, facing each other. They talked about pointless bits and pieces before Rae could feel the effect of the panic attack and mountain of duck and goose feathered pillows, her eyes slowly closed and she was in darkness.


	20. Chapter 20

Finn shot up, his breathing heavy and the covers soaked from his cold sweat. He panted as he looked around and relaxed as he realised it was just a dream. He laid back down, his nerves sensitive and his hands shaking. He had, had a nightmare from a mishap three years ago. Images of blood and a crying, young mother kept flashing and he found himself running for the en suit to be sick. 

 

Three years ago he had been asked by Louie to go with Kendo and get some money from a young, new dad who had owed Louie it for three months. Finn and Kendo went round and once seeing that the man wasn’t there; Kendo opted for the mother and beat her senselessly whilst Finn watched and the new born lay in the crib. Once seeing the woman, no older than twenty-two, go limp and silent did Kendo drag Finn out and the two left. 

It still haunted his dreams, most of his nightmares were haunted by the demons of his past and it was a reminder of the monster that he was. Everything he loved; he destroyed and that was all he was ever going to be capable of. He was the anti Midas, everything he touched turned to crap.  
Once his stomach settled, he rose and flushed the toilet. He moved to the sink and gripped onto it, his head bowed and he attempted to even his breathing. 

He wished that when he walked back into the bedroom that Rae would be there and he could cuddle her as gently as he could without waking her. Her body would be enough to calm him, but, their bed was currently occupied with the girls and Finn had to sleep in one of the guest rooms. It was his own fault and he knew that. He splashed his face with water; the cold taking his breath away. He continued to lean against the sink, his finger tips gripping it ever so slightly; his shoulders and chest rose as he let out a sigh. He watched the water swirl around… And around…. And around….

He switched the tap off and swiftly left the bathroom, not bothering to dry his face. He had no energy. He crawled into bed and felt the loneliness creep in. He hadn’t meant to have lost his temper but he had never been in love before; well it wasn’t strictly love - more of an infatuation - and his emotions running high meant everything else was and he, once again, was becoming a wound up string. The thought of somebody other than himself laying their hands on Rae made him feel sick, never in a millions years would he hurt her and he could feel his temper rising at the thought of somebody else doing it. He knew he overreacted but it had gotten to a point that he couldn’t take it back and decided to preserver with his little temper tantrum. He was so caught up in his whirlwind of anger and he felt exhausted; so exhausted that he felt an overwhelming sadness and he began to cry.

He shot up, wiping away the tears as Orla barged in; shutting the door behind her. She stormed over to the end of the bed,

“Orla, what ar-”

“Don’t. You are going to shut up and listen to me alright? Your behaviour today, Finn, was inexcusable. How fucking dare you do that to Rae, how can you even sleep knowing you showed her that side of you? Do you want her to be scared of you, is that? Because that’s what’s happening, Finn, the girl was terrified. You said you wanted to change, right? Show her that you’re not the piece of shit everyone continually says you are and for once in your fucking life; try! What is wrong with you?! God, I am so angry at you. I mean I just… How fucking dare you, Finn?! Look, I know what’s happened to you before and what you’ve seen and done but that behaviour? Stops here and it stops now, you understand? Maybe the boxing isn’t working and maybe you need something, like therapy or classes and I’m going ring the doctor’s for you on Monday as this can’t go on. I mean, what would you have done if that was Rae who you had heatbutted like that? Cause you know better than anyone that once you are in that frame of mind you can’t be stopped. So, what I want from you is to make sure with everything in your power that you get it sorted otherwise you are going to lose Rae and everyone around you, are we clear?”

“Orla, I-”

“I said, are we clear?”

All he could do was nod and lower his head in shame; bunching the covers with his fists as he attempted to hold back a sob. He could hear Orla’s heavy breathing as she tried to calm herself. She was right, he had to try and really try. He had done so well and now had undone all his work, he lifted his stare from the quilt and asked,

“Is… Do you reckon she’ll finish me?”

Orla had already spoke about this with Rae and Rae had told her she was going to forgive him; not before letting him sweat it out first. And Orla put the plan into motion by shrugging her shoulders and simply stating,

“I can’t answer that, only Rae can.”

He nodded and lowered his gaze back down, fisting the covers tighter. His breath hitched the back of his throat and his emotions came to a welling point; he let out a sob. His shoulders shook and snot and tears ran down his face. Orla could only watch her friend crumble, but she felt nothing. At first. But the longer she watched; the more her heart ached. She hated that she felt sorry for him, but she knew he regretted it. Finn didn’t cry and she could see these tears weren’t just over Rae; they were over every bad thing he had done when he had lost his temper. She lingered, watching with a blank stare - she couldn’t let him know how much she wanted to cuddle him and lull him to sleep. She wanted to be there for him, but she couldn’t give in. He had to learn the hard way as the soft approach was no longer working. 

His sobs grew louder as he heard the bedroom door open and close. Orla being cold with him hurt, hurt his heart and tightened his chest. He couldn’t have her mad at him, not Orla. Anybody but Orla, Orla had been there through his mistakes and heart aches. His brightest and darkest times; Orla had always been his go to person and now, he could feel he was losing her. He could feel himself losing parts of his life bit by bit and he took a deep breath, exhaled and roughly wiped his tears away as the clogs began to turn - a plan forming. He wasn’t going to let it happen, not even if his life depended on it.  
———————————————————————————————————————————————  
Rae had been a bag of nerves all morning, she wanted to so desperately run to Finn and cuddle him; then slap him and ask him why. But she was too nervous for that. She knew she wasn’t going to be scared of him forever but for now; even if he dropped as so much as a spoon around her she’d flinch. She pushed around her breakfast and refused to make eye contact with everyone. 

They all tried to coax Rae into speaking and smiling; but were met with nothing. Although they had not knew Rae as long as Finn; the gang all took Rae’s side on this as although they all feared Finn they knew he needed to see the consequences of his actions - something they had all been too afraid to show him in the past. Their hearts went out to Rae, for she was such a wonderful and kind person; it broke their hearts when Chloe dropped a fork into the sink just a little harshly and made Rae jump - earning a “It’s ok” From Orla who rubbed Rae’s back and then a harsh glare at Chloe. Rae didn’t deserve this. They wanted to tell her she was a fool for even entertaining the idea of not leaving him, for they wished they could warn her of the possible outcome - but it was not their place to interfere. Rae was a grown up and all they could do was be there for her when it went tits up. 

Chop was fed up of the tension that morning and decided to take matters into his own hands. As he noticed how quiet everyone was he slammed his knife and fork down upon the table and stormed out; heading for the gym and in search of Finn. Last night he watched his friend crumble before his eyes; opening himself up and come apart at the seems. And although the flower bud of their friendship had now blossomed into something beautiful; Finn was more cold than ever.

He found Finn; fists colliding with a blue punch bag. Sweat and a frown on his brow. Chop admired the effortless way his friend exercised; for if he even tried one punch he’d be out of breath - aside from a little beer belly, Chop was thin. He was blessed with a fast metabolism; something most of his friend’s envied. 

“Finn, breakfast’s ready.”

Finn shrugged, threw another punch, “Not hungry.”

“Don’t think you heard me, I said breakfast’s ready.”

Finn lowered his fists and looked at his friend with a frown, he gave him a once over before he scoffed and continued to punch, “Since when did you grow a pair of balls?”

“Don’t be a dick, Finn.”

The two found themselves now in a silence. The only sound to be heard was the pounding of Finn’s fists and the creak of the punch bag. Chop stood still and awaited for Finn to take off his gloves and follow him for breakfast. But, all that came from Finn was,

“Make sure you’re all packed and ready by three, gotta leave early as I’ve got a fight on, on Wednesday and I need to train.”

All Chop could do was scoff and shake his head, “You are unbelievable.”

“Remember who you’re speaking to, Chop.”

This was more of a challenge to Chop than a threat. He was growing tired of Finn and the way he pushed everyone around. For the past ten years Chop had lived in his friend’s shadow, always second best and always told what to do. He loved, hated and wanted to be Finn. Finn got the girls, Finn got the highest GCSE’s, Finn had the nicest car and the nicest flat, “Why can’t you be more like Finn?” A direct quote from his own mother and it was something Chop asked himself every time he was in the presence of his friend. For the majority of their friendship; Chop had always been the funny one and the “Dunce” Often being told what to do by Finn and made a mockery out of; but not today,

“Why? You gonna hit me?”

Finn paused and looked at his friend before he raised his eyebrows and slowly said, “Go.”  
Finn returned to the bag, hitting with more force than usual - to show his friend the outcome if he lingered. Chop, like a sulking two year old, turned and headed for the door. He stopped and turned, 

“You know, Finn, one day someone won’t listen, won’t give in to your little demands and then you’ll learn." 

And with that, he turned and left; slamming the glass door harshly on his way out.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————————-  
When all was packed, they gathered in the hallway. Finn unlocked the door and pushed it open, earning sly snarls from the gang as they walked past and outside. As an attempt to get the attention he craved; he went to grab Rae’s bag,

"Here are, let me get that,”

“It’s fine, I’ve got it,” She spoke as she moved it away from his grasp, well, more snatched it. She gave him a once over before walking to the car and he turned cold. He slammed the front door shut, locked it and then unlocked his car as he walked over. Chop opened the boot and shoved his bag in, then Archie’s and then Rae’s; who playfully flirted, “Why thank you, Mr. Chop,” He mocked the faux posh accent and replied, “Anything for you, Miss Rae.” They shared a giggle before it came to an abrupt halt as they saw Finn stand before them, glaring. The two shared a look before parting, Chop climbed into the back and Rae climbed up to the front. 

She flinched when she heard the car boot shut and she could feel her hands begin to shake. He climbed in and asked them all to strap in, he watched as Rae tried to connect the seatbeat and the slot; she let out a frustrated huff and he softened, reaching out,

“Here are le-”

“It’s fine! I’ve got it.” The repeat of her previous words hurt a lot more the second time. The two boys in the back held their breath as they waited for Finn’s response. Finn just simply scoffed and held up his hands, “Fine, whatever.” He turned on the engine, opened the gates with the button and out they drove.   
—————————————————————————————————————————————————-  
He pulled her bag out of the boot and passed it to her. As an opportunity to get a moment alone with her; he dropped her off last. He closed the boot and asked, “I know you don’t really want to speak to me right now but would you come Wednesday? No, you know what of course you won’t come a-”

“I’ll be there.”

He nodded and the two lingered before he said, “Rae, I’m sorry about what happened and I know you’re sick of me apologising but just know I would never hurt you. I mean that,”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t and I can see that you don’t. I don’t blame you for not believing me but I promise I’m going to make this right.”

All she could was nod. But a nod wasn’t good enough, he wanted more; he craved her smile and her touch. He reached out to stroke her face when she stepped back, “Don’t, Finn, not now.”

And now all he could do was nod and lower his hand in defeat; dropping it limply by his side. He looked to the floor; too nervous to look at her. “Ca… Can I least have a kiss?” His gaze moved slowly from the floor to her face, she nodded and the two shared a quick peck. Even her kisses were now cold, and, God, it hurt. She sent him a small smile and turned, heading for her front door. He watched and waited before he could feel his eyes glaze and his bottom lip quiver. His face contorted as his jaw clenched, his nostrils flared and his eyes grew dark. He slammed the boot shut harshly and headed for the driver’s seat.

The realisation that Finn was possibly going to lose her was quickly setting in; something that he hoped wouldn’t approach so fast. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. As he climbed into the car, he rested his head against the steering wheel and tried to swallow the harsh lump in his throat but it was no use. The walls were getting tighter by the second as his emotions swelled to boiling point; eyes welling uncontrollably.   
————————————————————————————————————————————  
Rae waited for the sound of his car to leave the street before she moved into the living room. She saw her mum sat at the dinner table; hands linked upon the table and eyes into two slits. Rae set her bag down and approached the table slowly,

“Mum?”

“Don’t ‘Mum’ Me, its not the fact you lied to me about going on a trip with friends as a nice trip away with them is a good thing and means you’re getting out and having fun. No, no, it’s the fact of who you went away with.”

“Mum, what are you on about?”

“Why didn’t you tell me about Finn, Rae?”


	21. Chapter 21

“Why didn’t you tell me about Finn, Rae?”

Rae rolled her eyes and huffed, “Oh don’t start.”

Linda could not believe her daughter’s attitude; she wanted to smack the eye roll away from Rae. There were so many words Linda wanted to say, to warn her daughter with. But Rae went first by saying, “Look, before you start going on I’ve heard it all before; Finn’s bad. Finn’s involved with this and he’s done that and blah, blah, blah.”

“Ever think why people warn you, Rae? It’s because it’s true.”

“No, it’s not. None of you know him. You know what you’ve _heard_ of him and that is unfair because none of you know what he’s really like. You all just judge him and I am sick to the back teeth of hearing this. You know what? Am not listening to this, am going up.”

Rae was fed up of hearing it all, there was nothing that Linda could say that Rae hadn’t heard before. Why couldn’t they just let Rae learn through her own mistakes? Why did everybody have to interfere and stick their nose in? Nobody knew Finn, not like Rae. Rae saw through all that hard exterior was something beautiful, kind and something quite extraordinary. Why couldn’t people just give him a chance? Sure, he had a temper but it was just something that was a part of him. Rae turned to leave when Linda called out,

“I do know him, Rae,”

Linda’s voice was soft as was her look as she continued,

“Remember a couple years back when you started all that malarkey on your thighs and I told you about a young lad who came into the hospital, slashed his thighs so bad that they said it was miracle they saved him? Remember how I told you if you didn’t stop it that could be you? That was Finn, I stitched him up, Rae. I seen him lying there, pale and cold. I know him better than anyone,”  
Off of Rae’s look Linda stood up and moved from around the table; approaching her daughter, “See? I bet you didn’t know that now did you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Of course you don’t, but listen to me as I am saying this because I care; he’s evil, Rae. I mean, he may be different now as this was when he was fourteen but nobody that evil can change all that much. Rae, I’m sure he is a wonderful person who you think the sun shines out of his arse but he was the reason I believed in monsters. When I looked into that boy’s eyes I didn’t see remorse or fright when he saw there was a chance he’d die. He laughed and was prepared to greet death like an old friend. He made me see that monsters aren’t dark men lurking on street corners or things with red eyes that live under your bed. Monsters have a charming smile and are named Finn.“  
——————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Rae was surprised Finn called her that following day; when she had just finished work. She thought that maybe he’d be too ashamed and just wait till Wednesday to speak to her. He picked her up and now here they were, on Devil’s Bridge - of all places - that was an old, worn and rusty bridge that over looked a gentle, babbling brook. The river ran underneath and throughout the back of Stamford. On either side of the little river and bridge was greenery; an endless sea - wildlife twittered in the trees and ran through the grass.

Finn was resting against the railing whilst finishing rolling a spliff. He decided to no longer hide anything from Rae and although she was surprised to find him smoking weed; she stayed quiet. The two were no longer nervous around each other, they saw no reason to be. Although Linda’s warning niggled at the back of Rae’s mind; she dusted it under the carpet. And although she did not want to listen to Linda nor believe her; Rae found herself glancing every so often at Finn’s thighs. 

Rae leaned her back against the railing, beside Finn, and tilted her head back; shutting her eyes and let the sun soak into her skin. It was a beautiful day, only a couple cotton candy shaped clouds drifted in the most perfect sky. Finn finished roaching his joint as he looked at Rae with a smile. What was she thinking about? He bit the twisty tip off of the spliff and spat it out before lighting the creation with one swift movement - the inhale and exhale instantly relaxed his shoulders.

Finn looked down at his spliff as he watched his fingers lightly tap it; flicking the head off. He looked up as Rae asked,

"What’s it like?" 

He looked from her to the spliff, shrugging, "It’s alright, just something to do when am bored really.”

He looked up at her and could only smile at the glint that her eyes beheld as she stared in curious wonder. He was surprised, his eyebrows confirming this, as she asked could she try. He was unsure, which he spoke of - scared in case it rubbed her the wrong way and she was sick everywhere. Or as he called it “Going white.”  She rolled her eyes at this and told him with the most playful smirk that she was an adult. He handed it over,

“Alright, but don’t take back too much. Baby steps, Rae.”

The two shared a flirty yet playful, childish even, look before she took a long, harsh drag. She let out a spluttering cough; her sensitive lungs unable to handle it. He laughed at this, patting her on the back and taking the spliff off of her, “I told you to be careful!”

He shook his head; still giggling quietly. He continued to rub her back as he smoked his joint, once seeing she was ok the two then decided to move over to the field on the left of the bridge. As they approached the middle Rae noticed the sign on the pylon that read “DO NOT CROSS. FARMER’S LAND. ALL PROSECUTORS WILL BE SHOT.” That’s a bit harsh. Rae cringed at imaging all of the kids who had lost their balls that way and dared attempt to get it.

The two found the most comfortable spot and laid down. Their feet opposite ends of each other with their heads side by side. They lay in silence, Rae let Finn enjoy his spliff as her conversation could wait. She took to cloud watching, naming all of the different shapes in her head. She hadn’t noticed she had been staring long; but it was enough time for Finn to make her a daisy chain,

“Here are, Missus," 

She giggled as she took it off of him. She lifted up slightly, placing it around her head before carefully lying back down. She turned her face towards him and he smiled, stating a "Beautiful.”

And beautiful is what he made her feel. She wanted to thank him, it’s all she ever wanted to do. But she couldn’t; as she couldn’t explain why. Not yet. She watched as he sat up, throwing the joint and now bending his knees; resting his elbows upon them and joining his hands together as his eyes wandered.

“Finn,”

She now sat up also, the daisy chain slipped from her head and onto the grass below, “I think we need to talk.”

“I know.”

“Look, before you saying anything I just want to get this out the way. Although I do not condone your behaviour and do think you could have handled it better, I realise that the past is the past and there is no point in dragging it out but I do think you need help as you need to sort out that bloody temper,”

The last three words she spoke jokingly before she continued, growing serious, “Please, Finn, please get it sorted. I just don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m scared of what Finn I’m going to get when I wake up,”

This hurt him. It hurt him more than he had braced himself for. He exhaled, his eyes growing dark as he looked away. He picked out some grass from the floor, picking it apart bit by bit before confessing, “I went the doctor’s today actually, I’ve got to go see someone over my anger or something. He said he’s gonna ring me some time this week… Would you come with me? You know, to see the person?”

This was the Finn that Rae knew, the shy and youthful Finn. This was who he was. She nodded and told him that she would; and she had never seen such relief. He then picked a bit of grass out of her hair, flicking it away. He then rested his forehead against her’s, their noses brushing and he closed his eyes; inhaling her sweet scent before exhaling with a content sigh. His eyes opened and he bobbed her on the nose playfully. The two giggled and she pushed him jokingly; bashfully smiling and telling him to piss off. He lay down and patted his stomach, she took the invitation and laid onto her back; her head on his tummy.

The two were focused on one particular cloud and as if reading her mind, Finn spoke out loud, “That looks like a dog,”

“A dog? Dunno what cloud you’re looking at, mate, but that’s definitely a turtle.”  
This went on for a while, the two continually bickered over what they thought each cloud looked like. Finn then looked down at Rae and thought as he watched her,

_“It’s me and you, kid, it’s always going to be me and you.”_


	22. Chapter 22

It was now Wednesday, only a day apart but Rae could not wait to see Finn. She didn’t mind that he continually text and called; it was nice to feel wanted. Although most would feel suffocated; Rae didn’t. Rae loved and craved his attention, she could drown in it. It was the night of the boxing and Chloe had invited Rae round for pre-drinks. 

  
Rae walked in to Chloe’s room to see a very organised mess - multiple outfits hung up, the bed unmade and straighteners, underwear and brushes scattered along the floor. Chloe had pin curls in and a bare face that awaited to be painted. She wore a tight and very clean, white shirt that was knotted that waist; showing a part of her tonned and tanned mid-riff, this was accompanied by ripped black skinny jeans and black ankle socks. For once, Rae didn’t find herself pulling her leather jacket around her or fidgeting - Rae felt confident in her black, long-sleeved swing dress and leather jacket. 

“Rae! Finally! Listen, leather or bomber?”

Chloe asked whilst pulling off her jackets from the back of her vanity table chair.

“What shoes?”

“Black Chelsea boots.”

“Leather, then.”

Satisfied with Rae’s choice; Chloe chucked her bomber back over the chair and her leather onto the bed; beside her shoes. Rae took a seat on the bed, carefully moving Chloe’s bits and pieces to one side and placed her large bag on the floor - thinking ahead and packing her work stuff. Just in case. Chloe took a place upon the chair and began to work on her face. Rae watched the newest episode of Made In Chelsea that was playing lowly on the flat screen. It felt like everybody but her owned one. Although Rae was not a lover of all things pink and girly; Rae loved Chloe’s room. It ran along the theme of something you would see in a Cath Kidson’s show room - all flower patterns and neat. Rae’s favourite thing was the vanity table that was complete with big bulbs around the mirror, built in make up brush holders and shelves, french handles, etc. Rae had always wanted one. 

“What time’s Orla getting here?”

Chloe asked as she put on her concealer, dotting it around her face before blending it with an orange sponge. Rae pulled out her phone and searched her messages before locking it and tossing it to the side,

“She said about six as the fight starts at seven.”

“Oh right… There’s vodka and lemonade over there, help yourself.”

Rae noticed the drink and mixer, along with two glasses and a small bag of coke, on the bedside table. Rae also noticed the cigarettes and frowned, 

“Since when did you smoke?”

“Only when I drink.”

Rae picked up a glass and poured the tiniest bit of vodka, so tiny it was pointless she even put it in, once the drink was mixed she took a sip and continued to watch the program on screen. Made In Chelsea was a guilty pleasure of her’s - not that she’d admit that. It was the same with Jeremy Kyle as they both ran along the same theme - people shagging everything that moves then arguing about it for an hour.She loved the drama. The only difference was one show contained the filthy rich and the other had just the downright filthy. The two passed conversation between each other and Rae wished she couldn’t notice the tension between them; she wished they weren’t growing apart. She knew all childhood friends eventually do grow apart, but Rae had only just got Chloe back and despite Chloe’s toxic energy; Rae still wanted to keep hold of her. 

Rae turned to Chloe who had now asked, “So, how are you and Finn?”

“We’re alright, just taking each day as it comes.”

Chloe nodded and a silence overcame them. Chloe then asked as she put on her mascara, “Rae, pass us the lemo please,”

Rae picked up the bottle of lemonade and went to hand it over, Chloe turned and giggled at her friend’s innocence, “No, not that. The coke, Rae.”

Rae’s cheeks burned with embarrassment at her mistake. She placed the bottle back on the table and swiped the little bag of white, handing it over to Chloe; who sprinkled some out onto the back of her hand, Rae  then asked with a grimace, “Chlo, why do you… You know?”

Chloe sniffed the powder, twisted the bag back up and tucked it away in her bra. She turned away, finished her make up and took her pin curls out, 

“Because it makes it stop.”

Chloe shook out her hair and Rae watched her with a frown, asking, “What stops?”

Chloe paused, she then looked at her friend through the mirror; her eyes were vacant and cold as she stated,

“Everything.”  
—————————————————————————————————————————————–  
The crowd at the ring were bigger and more restless than the last. Rae and the girls weaved in and out of the crowd as they approached the boys at the ring side. Rae felt more eyes on her than usual, all female; who whispered a mixture of “That’s Finn’s girl,” And other comments, mainly one’s about her weight - those she chose to ignore. She reached the table and the boys greeted the girls with smiles and drinks. Rae then looked around and told them she would be back in a minute, heading for the changing room in the back.  
Rae saw Mitch was stood outside the door, she asked was it ok if she could go through. He nodded and he moved to the right, she walked through and to inside the changing room to find Finn in his blue shorts, sat on the bench whilst Louie was speaking about something or other. Louie saw Rae standing there, he greeted her with a smile and a “Hello.” Before tapping Finn on the shoulder, saying they would continue their talk later and with that; he left. Finn rose and held out his arms, awaiting a hug. She smiled softly and moved forward, fitting snugly in his embrace. He kept his arms around her but leaned back, giving her a once over as he smirked, 

“How am I going to focus on the fight when all I can think is of how pretty that dress would look on my floor,“ His flirtation brought a dark tint of red to Rae’s face and she blushed. He laughed, brushing her cheek lightly with his finger. He then moved from around her and grabbed his black robe from where it was hanging . She made her way to stand behind him as he stood in front of the mirror.

“You nervous?” Rae asked as she lightly brushed the tops of his shoulders. He looked at her through the mirror and gazed impassively, “No I’m not, I’ve done this a thousand times before. Why, are you nervous?” His prominent smirk crossed his face. He noted the serious look on her features and turned around to face Rae. She looked down only for her chin to be grasped by his long fingers and tugged back up,

"Look at me, I’ll be fine, Rae. The kid’s nothing, don’t worry about me. Here are, I’ll make you a deal. If I win, I get to see what’s under that dress.”

“And if you lose?”

He gave her a once over and his voice became thick and heavy as he leaned in, pressing his lips against her ear, “I never lose.” He pulled away, just in time as Mitch called out, telling him he was needed. Rae, still hot from the contact, stuttered a good luck and swiftly left the changing room; heading for her seat. She ignored her friends, who all continually asked where had she been. It was only when Chop clapped his hands together in excitement and cheered, “Can’t wait for tonight, I haven’t seen Finn do a final submission in ages.” Did Rae then involve herself as she looked at him with a frown. 

Speaking Rae’s mind, Izzy asked, “What’s final submission?”

“To sum it up you either tap out, get knocked out or be killed.”

Rae felt her stomach lurch, that would explain why there was a bigger crowd than last time. Rae couldn’t seem to wrap her head around the fact that someone could die. She couldn’t stand the thought of Finn being so hurt, too stubborn and prideful to submit. She couldn’t stand in the crowd and watch him fight to his death, it wasn’t worth it. Orla saw her friend’s pale face and leaned over, giving Rae’s knee a little squeeze and speaking in a loud whisper, loud enough to be heard over the crowd but quiet enough to be kept private, “Don’t worry, he’ll be fine.” Orla then sat back in her seat, Rae took Orla’s hand in her’s and kept hold of it. Rae wanted to leave and could feel the dread set in as she had to remain seated; upon hearing,

“Here we go!” Shouted Kendo as the announcer came into the ring, standing on the ‘X’ The place shook as people cheered. The announcer spoke into the microphone, he announced the first man as Finn’s opponent stepped into the ring. His tall frame and dark features were enough to terrify anyone and Rae’s hands began to shook. The room erupted into cheers as the man announced Finn. The crowd hung onto every word out of the announcer’s mouth and Rae too found herself leaning forward with wide eyes. She craned her head to try and find Finn through the crowd but there were too many people around to find him. Right then she saw her brown-haired lover jump over the rope and into the ring along with Mitch. Finn shrugged his lean arms out of his robe and stepped forward. His and Rae’s eyes locked and a wink was given to her.

Mitch placed the mouth guard into Finn’s mouth, barking stuff in his ear about the opponent’s weak spots and such. Finn nodded, bouncing on the balls of his feet; he was ready to go. Mitch stepped out the ring, Finn’s coat in his arms, as the two boxers were brought forward, the announcer was replaced with the ref; who explained the barely-there rules. The two bashed their gloves against one another and backed away, awaited for the ref to leave the ring and then the bell rang out. 

Rae watched as the two men circled one another; the fighter was already running his mouth but Finn seemed to be paying no attention. Once Finn threw the first punch that landed on, who Rae now knew as Tom, shoulder; the talking stopped and the men went at it. Rae could tell that Tom was struggling to keep up with Finn’s quick movements on his feet; the shadow boxing had really helped with making him almost seem to be fighting on air.  Once Finn’s opponent figured he wouldn’t be able to punch him he used his legs to knock Finn’s right out from under him. The gang’s table jumped up as they heard Finn hit the ground loudly. The gang roared at the ref and at Tom; shouting abuse.

Rae felt her chest grow tight and the air being trapped in her lungs but she let out the air as she saw him get up and wind his shoulder back. Rae could sense the new determination that was fueling Finn and she watched as he came back at Tom harder than before - earning roars from the crowd and the gang. 

This was Finn’s ring, no one else’s. 

Tom gained his ground and punched Finn and this time it came in contact with the side of his face. Rae felt her legs wobble and the bile creep up as the blood ran from his face.  By this time the whole room had fallen silent, there was no booing, there was no cheering, just the steady breath of everyone in the room as they awaited on the edge of their seats.

Finn stumbled back slightly, he let out a low laugh before he wiped the blood away with his arm. He then looked at Tom, his eyes into two narrow slits and that famous smirk on his face. Finn lunged forward with a punch, which sent Tom flying onto the floor; out cold. A red towel was threw in and the place erupted into celebration. The gang and many others all ran into the ring, congratulating him but Rae stayed in her seat. Over the sea of people Finn looked for Rae, his eyes landed on her and the smirk never left his lips as he pointed his glove at her, he then mouthed at her, 

“I win.”  
——————————————————————————————————————————————–  
The gang had decided to come down to The Vault’s for a little drink - a little drink turned into a lot. Their table was full of empty pint and shot glasses. Finn was only on his third, he wanted to be able to drive Rae home and get her out of her dress; he wanted to be sober and appreciate the art work that was her body. Finn was now clean and changed into a black t-shirt and black jeans. Aside from an already bruising black eye; he got off pretty lightly.

He looked at Rae and watched with awe as she laughed at something Chop had slurred. His smile turned to a frown as he watched Rae playfully push Chop, Finn didn’t like their comfortability with one another. Finn interrupted and told Chop to go get another round in. Rae turned to Finn and he softened, feeling his jealousy drift away as her attention was now on him. He gave her a once over and lowly spoke, “Do you wanna go back to mine?" 

"But you’ve just asked for another round.”

“Didn’t say it was for me and you.”

His eyes searched her’s, awaiting confirmation. Once it was given, he grabbed his jacket and rose. Whilst Rae spoke her goodbyes and shrugged on her coat, Finn asked Orla was she alright for a lift as he was “Tired and wanted an early night” Once seeing his friend give him a thumbs up, he grabbed Rae by the hand and led her out the pub.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Rae’s hand was gripped tightly in Finn’s as he tugged her up the steps to his flat. She felt like her heart was in her mouth as he forced the door open before abruptly shutting it behind them both. He slowly slipped her jacket from her shoulders and hung it up along with his own. The warmth of Finn’s touch could be felt on her lower back as a large hand guided her along the hallway to a door that she knew was his bedroom. 

She heard the door close before Finn came up behind her, her body jumping slightly as his fingers pushed her hair to the side. Plump lips were pressed to the skin of her neck, nibbling and sucking. Rae was suddenly spun round to face him, her chest rising and falling heavily. Finn could tell how nervous she was as he took her trembling hands in his large ones. He kept eye contact with her as he brought one hand up to his mouth, leaving a light kiss on the skin,

“I’ll be gentle,” He whispered.

She watched him kick his converse off before slowly kneeling down in front of her. His large hands caressed the skin of her right thigh as he slid his touch down her leg. Rae couldn’t take her eyes off him.

“So soft,” He mumbled into the kisses that were left down her tingling skin.  
Rae’s leg was raised, hands gripping onto Finn’s broad shoulders as he took her shoe off. The process was repeated with the other foot, before he stood to his full towering height in front of her. Finn’s head flicked to his large bed, instructing her to move over to it, which she hesitantly did as he followed.

He pulled Rae up so she was kneeling, sat up on the bed. Her body facing away from him as he knelt behind Rae. A strong arm wrapped round her waist, decreasing the distance between them both as her back pressed to Finn’s front. His lips hummed in her ear as she rolled her head back to his shoulder. Rae’s body tensed as she felt his hand cup her breast, gently squeezing as he went down. Finn’s touch sent tingles through her body. He skimmed his warm hand up the inside of her thigh. A whimper fell from Rae’s lips as Finn’s fingers lightly touched her over her underwear. He began to rub over the sensitive area as her hips moved with the touch. She struggled to draw in breath, the feeling of his fingers jumbling her thoughts. Her backside rubbed against his crotch as he increased the pressure. All the while his raspy voice whispered dirty things into Rae’s ear. It shocked her slightly as he told her all the things he wanted to do to her.

“Finn,” Rae breathily gasped.

He groaned, his fingers then slipping into the front of her underwear. Rae cried out in surprise, no-one had ever touched her like this before. Her body began to slump against his. Her shaking legs finding it difficult to keep her up, even though her back was still pressed firmly to his front. Finn’s thumb gently moving over her clit, eliciting whimpers from her parted lips.

“Mmm,” He huskily whispered into her ear.

Hot kisses were trailed down Rae’s neck as he continued to pleasure her. It startled her a little as Finn shifted, he moved off of the bed. Rae, still shaking, turned with a confused frown.

“Lie down,” He instructed. She did as she was told and he looked down at her, his eyes dark and his chest rising and lowering heavily, “Oh god,” He breathed, “I want to taste you properly.”

Rae’s body froze at his words. He stood to his full looming height as he instructed her to move back. She shuffled away from him as he crawled onto the bottom of the bed, “Not so far,” He chuckled.

Large hands gripped her ankles before he effortlessly pulled her towards him. Finn hovered over Rae, his full lips pressing to her’s in a forceful kiss before trailing along her jaw to her ear. His teeth nibbled the lobe as her fingertips dug into his shoulders. Finn divided her attention as she felt his fingers loop into the sides of her underwear. He didn’t wait before slowly tugging them down Rae’s legs. Rae’s knees dew up to her chest. She felt her cheeks tingle with heat, Finn dropping the material to the floor. His strength overpowered her’s as he carefully pried her thighs apart. He brought his bottom lip between his teeth as he scanned over her before his gaze traveled up to her face. A smirk spread on his mouth before he spoke,

“Do you trust me?”

She didn’t hesitate with her nod and an even darker look over came him as he then commanded, 

“Touch yourself.”

“W-what?” Rae stuttered.

“You said you trust me. There’s only me and you here, Rae, I want to see you touch yourself,” His deep voice whispered.

He grabbed Rae’s hand, tugging it down in between her legs. She gasped at his actions. He raised his eyebrows, nodding at her to continue,

“Go on,” He encouraged.

Rae squeezed her eyes closed, unable to look at him as she slowly moved her fingers back and forth over her tingling heat. Finn’s heavy breathing could be heard. Rae’s face was splashed with pink, she tried to focus on her touch and block him out, but she found it difficult as she knew Finn was intently observing. She brushed her fingers over her most sensitive spot, lightly gasping at her own actions. Of course Rae had touched herself in the past, but in front of somebody took it to a whole new level.

“Holy shit,” Finn cursed.

Rae’s eyes shot open when Finn gripped her wrist, pulling it away from her. His patience wearing thin, not being able to wait any longer.

“I’m gunna make you feel so good,” He moaned.

The soft tips of his hair tickled the inside of Rae’s thighs as he lowered his head. A gasp escaped her lips, Finn nipped at the skin on her legs before she felt his hot breath fan over her. His head tilted up and connected with Rae’s nervous gaze. A grin was plastered on his face as he winked at her. Seconds later she felt his warm tongue lick up her center. His large hands instantly went to restrain Rae’s thighs, keeping them apart so he could continue. She couldn’t control the whimpers and soft moans falling from her lips. It seemed to please Finn as he hummed against her. He found it amusing that she didn’t know where to place her hands until she settled with one fisting the sheets and the other wound into his hair. She heard and felt his moan against her as she tightened her hold in his hair, tugging slightly. The vibrations adding to the sensation. A small shriek escaped Rae’s mouth as his tongue darted out into her entrance. Finn seemed to be satisfied with her reaction as he repeated the pleasuring movement. She loudly gasped as his nose brushed her clit. He deeply laughed then flicked the end of his tongue against it. Pleasure shot through her body, her back arching up from the mattress. Finn drew back, watching for a few seconds before leaning down again.

“Finn,” Rae whimpered, her body felt on fire. 

He didn’t stop. His tongue and mouth working together as Rae’s chest rose up and down quickly. Plump lips wrapped round Rae’s most sensitive spot before he sucked. Her body jolted with the new sensation, her breathing heavy and trembling from her parted lips. One of his hands left Rae’s thigh, his long middle finger teasing her entrance before slowly easing it in. Rae’s head rolled to the side, unable to do anything but feel as he pumped it in and out whilst sweeping his tongue across her clit. Rae’s head turned back at the loss of Finn’s contact. His face came up from between her shaking legs. She watched as he licked her excitement off his plump lips, before smirking at her. He moved further up Rae’s body. One hand supporting his weight as he hovered above her, the other resting on her hip. His dark eyes flicked from her wide orbs down to her lips. Finn’s mouth pressed to Rae’s in a desperate kiss, his tongue forcing itself between her parted lips. Rae felt him laugh slightly as she gasped into him, his hand moving from her hip back to her center. A few strokes were swept over her entrance before his finger pushed back in. Their mouths parted as he withdrew. Finn intently watched as she struggled to breathe beneath him, forcing a surprised whimper from her lips as his finger pushed a little deeper. His speed increased.

“Does that feel good?” His hair tickled her forehead as he came down closer to her.

Rae’s hips shifted under him, squirming with his pleasuring movements. Rae squeezed her eyes closed as she felt a heat rise in her stomach. Rae’s thighs attempted to clamp shut but Finn’s body hovering between her legs prevented her from doing so. He could tell she was nearly there. She felt him decrease the distance between them, lowering his body down onto his forearm.

“Look at me.” He demanded.

Rae’s eyes fluttered open, brown orbs staring down at her.

“Finn… Finn.” She whimpered softly.

Her lips parted, short, sharp breath forced out.

“Come for me… You’re safe,” He whispered.

She grabbed onto his hand, Finn quickly entwining their fingers as she struggled for air. His head went into the crook of her neck, kissing and sucking on the clammy skin. Rae squeezed his hand tighter as waves of pleasure burst through her trembling body.

“Rae,” Finn mumbled into her neck.

She squeezed her eyes shut, the feeling overwhelming as Finn continued to pump his long finger in and out. His thumb rubbing circles over her clit. Rae had never had such an intense feeling. Finn’s touch tipping her over the edge, to reveal her in her most euphoric and vulnerable state. Rae’s mouth parted to release broken gasps. Slowly the tingly subsided, her body becoming exhausted as she slumped into his arms. Finn held her close, almost as if he was afraid she would disappear. He then mumbled into the crook of her neck, his voice in a raspy whisper,

“I’ll keep you safe.”


	23. Chapter 23

She was awoken by her alarm and a nudge against her foot, followed by low and sleepy mumblings beside her. She attempted to open her eyes but clamp them shut again, wincing as the light blinded her sight. 

Eventually, she was able to open them; reaching for her phone. She unplugged it and switched off her alarm. She checked the time; 6:45. She groaned, reshutting her eyes. 

She reopened them and looked to her left, Finn slept on his stomach with his head turned away. The covers only covered his legs and his left arm draped across Rae; even in his sleep he still held her close. She then asked, “Finn?”  
No answer. She tried the soft approach a couple of more times before huffing, rolling her eyes and then she shouted his name. His head shot up, he snorted out of fright. His eyes heavy, sleep in the corners,

“Hmmm?”

“Sorry, it’s just I need to get ready for work. Do you mind if I use your shower?”  
He let out a yawn, pulling back his arm as he supported himself upon it. Using his free hand he rubbed one eye and shook his head, “No, course. Go ahead,”  
She climbed out of bed, she turned back to see he was back to his original sleep position,

“Finn, where are the towels and stuff?”

“Towels are in the cupboard, under the sinks and top knob to the left for on, bottom knob also to the left for hot. Right for cold,” He sleepily mumbled into his pillows. She nodded, attempting to process the information in her half asleep mind. She then caught on to something and frowned at it, “Hang on, _sinks_?” She was answered with light snores. She picked up her bag off of the floor,  turned for the en suite; shutting the door gently behind her.

“Whoa.”

She breathed out, now suddenly awake. The bathroom, was huge. Really huge. Near the door was the weirdest shape and cleanest toilet Rae had ever seen. Black marble floors that glittered under the spotlights that Rae had now flicked on.  The top half of the wall was a grey marble, the bottom half was black with a white strip running in between - separating the colours. He wasn’t joking when he said sinks, there were two long and white sinks that sat on top of oak worktops; underneath the worktops were two, huge, white cabinets. Above the sinks was a long, rectangular mirror. To the left of the room was an open, square, glass power shower and at the head of the room was a long, egg-shaped bath tub. 

She placed her bag on the floor and headed for the cupboards, the first was full of toiletries and cleaning products. She found the towels in the second; and like the colours of the room - they were all grey, black and white. She chose the bottom shelf as the top were all still brand new; wrapped with a bow around each towel. But she didn’t complain as the bottom towels were just as soft. She placed them on top of the toilet, unzipping her bag and pulling out her bits - fresh clothes, underwear and toothbrush. After placing them on the fabric, she pulled the bobble from her wrist and threw her hair up before stripping herself of her pajamas - she hated that there was no shower curtain to block the view of herself in the mirror. She did as instructed and waited for the shower to warm up. She glanced around, having a little nose. She smiled when she saw all Finn’s bits and pieces; a watch, aftershave, etc. Proper manly bits and pieces; she found them sexy. She wasn’t sure why, maybe because they were his. She looked around, checking she was in the clear before squirting the One Million in the air and taking a big sniff. It was heaven in a bottle.

“Rae? Do you want a coffee?”

Finn, now sounding fully awake, asked from the other side of the door. She jumped, placing the bottle down before she called out she would love one. She moved over to the shower and held out a hand, feeling it was warm she then stepped in; the heat making her suddenly tired. She looked around and grabbed the fullest bottle of shower gel; not wanting to be rude and taking what was left of the citrus burst  - even if it was her favourite. Reason being because she knew it was also his, admittedly she may have searched for it when she went food shopping with her mum. Not that she’d ever tell him that. 

She squirted out some of the blue Radox into her palm, placing it back on the shelf and she began to wash; the warm water like a breath of fresh air. The water escaladed down her body, feeling like clean kisses upon her skin. She hummed along to the tune in her head. She blushed when she cleaned her downstairs; the ghost of his lips still lingering. Last night’s events made her think a number of things, such as, would he be expecting her to return the favour any time soon? How did you even give a blow job? If he could make her quiver and tremble just using his hands, then she couldn’t even begin to imagine the religious experience she would have if they were to take things further. His body was a temple and Rae wanted to pray. 

She looked down at her thighs and cringed at the purple and dark marks, her stomach knotted as she realised that in the moment of passion she had temporarily forgot about them; only focusing on Finn and that mouth of his. Had the room been too dark and he hadn’t noticed, or had he and not opted to say anything?

Once clean and feeling brand new, she switched off the shower and stepped out into the steam - leaving a trail of water. She picked up one of the towels off of the toilet seat, drying herself before then throwing on her fresh clothes. She packed away her dirty clothes into her bag before using the other towel to wipe away her trail of water, then bundling the two fabrics together and chucking them into the washing basket. She pottered about, throwing on her mascara, brushing her teeth, etc. 

She zipped up her bag and left for the bedroom to see the bed made and her coffee on the bedside table but no Finn. How long had she been in the shower? She picked up the coffee, taking a sip. It was now cooled down to the perfect drinking temperature, the liquid creamy and light. It was the nicest coffee she had, had, and she wasn’t one for coffee unless it was needed. She made her way through to the center of the flat, catching the end of the heated discussion between Kendo and Finn; Finn the one who was lowly but harshly warning his friend,

_“…. And I told you not to come here with it as you know Rae’s here,”_

Orla, who stood leaning against the kitchen counter with a brew in hand, let out a cough and the two men looked to see Rae. They smiled at her in unison and greeted her. Rae placed her bag on the floor and gave them a small smile, Kendo grabbed the big bag off of the table and awkwardly quipped, “I’ll… I’ll be off, see you later,” As he passed Rae he gave her smile and spoke her name before leaving. The heat in Finn’s eyes was cooling down, he told her to sit down whilst he went and got ready. She picked her bag up and made her way over to the couch; once comfortable she drank her drink.

Orla, now puffing on a spliff, came and sat besides Rae. The two chattered and gabbed, but before Rae could ask what was Kendo doing here; Finn appeared. His hair was still scruffy from the night before and although he wore an all black tracksuit, the jumper making Rae want to drag him back to bed and cuddle up, he was still his handsome and immaculate self - he even made scruff look good.

She downed her coffee and rose, placing the cup down and bidding Orla a goodbye. Finn grabbed his keys and the two left. 

——————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Not much conversation was spoke, but their silences were not awkward; after last night they had found a new level of comfortability between one another - the silence was more a sign that they enjoyed each other’s company and didn’t need to speak to fill the gap. A song came on and Rae bobbed her head to it, asking who it was by. A British rapper named Loyle Carner, Rae recognised the name from previous conversation when Finn had mentioned his love for the rapper. And Rae could understand why; his words were fresh and complimented the jazzy and laid back beats. 

“When’s your appointment?”

She noticed the change in atmosphere and his shifting in his seat didn’t go amiss, but she had to ask. She was going to be going with him and needed to know so she could open a space up in the calendar in her brain,

“Urm, tomorrow. It’s at seven so, I’ll pick you about half six.”

“That’s a bit late for an appointment,”

“Yeah, well, I wanted to make sure it didn’t clash with you being in work,”

“Finn, you didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to as I want you to be there with me.”

Rae blushed at this; her stomach fluttering at the fact he actually _wanted_ her to be with him. She could see he was scared and although she felt selfish for thinking of herself; it was a beautiful feeling that she was needed. She then moved on to another topic, seeing just how far she could push this new found level in their relationship, 

“What did Kendo want… You know, before?”

He moved the gear shift rather harshly, the jumper sleeve slipping and revealing the shine of his watch. He frowned and shook his head, “Nothing, don’t worry about it." 

"But, Finn, I-”

“I said don’t worry about it, Rae, he’s never bringing it back.”

He looked at her briefly, showing her he truly meant it before quickly returning his gaze to the road. Her eyes fell to her lap as she fiddled with the zip of her coat, she looked up when he spitefully inputted,

“I don’t like your hair up, look’s nicer down.”

Although the backhanded compliment was his way of showing he was annoyed and although Rae knew he didn’t mean it, she still found herself taking out the bobble and shaking her hair - cringing at how greasy it felt. They pulled up into the familiar car park. He parked up, turning to her,

“Want me to walk you?”

She shook her head, telling him there was no need as it was only there. She could see the controlling side was fighting the side of him trying to change, Rae softened and told him that, that would be nice. He smiled, satisfied. He shut off the engine, the two then unbuckled themselves and climbed out. Rae grabbed her bag, shrugging it on before shutting her side of the car. She moved round to his side and waited as he reached in, grabbing his phone, keys and wallet. He appeared and shut his door, locking the car. He put his things in his pocket before then taking Rae’s hand in his. 

As they walked down the alley, they said nothing and her anxiety kept reminding her that it was her fault. She could’ve been reminded that she had not annoyed him a thousand times and she still would be worried. They reached the shop and Rae turned to see Rob at the counter, she sent him a smile before turning back to Finn; who now had a face like a smacked arse.

 "Right, I’ll text you later and thanks for the lift.“

"No problem.”

He grabbed her by the face, landing the hardest and biggest kiss he had ever given her before pulling away. He glanced between Rob and Rae before turning and leaving. She passed a frown between the two men, what was that all about? It then clicked. She scoffed, grinning to herself with a head shake at her boyfriend’s stupidity. Oh, the shock he was going to have when Rae would tell him Rob was gay.


	24. Chapter 24

Rae jolted awake, to the sound of thunder. Bright flashing illuminating the window that had a thin layer of curtain fabric drawn over it. Her sudden movement caused something to stir beneath her. Finn. She sighed, relief washing over her, glad to have been woken from the awful dream. 

  
She found herself in awe as the angry weather outside continued to provide striking flashes of light. Finn’s beautiful face illuminated for seconds at a time before the room was plunged into gloom again.

Even in the dim light she could see the long eyelashes rested on the top of his cheeks. Her eyes fell to his lips, they were parted as light snores drifted out of them. It was the most tranquil state Rae had ever seen him in. He was still apart from the steady movement of his chest and the occasional twitch of his fingers.

Her dark thoughts were abruptly interrupted when Finn shot up, the loud weather yanking him from sleep. His hands instantly finding her’s as he lay back down, pulling Rae to his body - breathing heavy.

“Finn, it’s just thunder,” She whispered, attempting to calm him down.  
His arms protectively wrapped round her body. Rae’s fingers moved in soothing circles across his bare skin as she gradually felt his muscles relax. Once seeing he had fallen back into a deep slumber; she began to watch him once more. She was so fascinated with how beautiful he was. Rae couldn’t quite get her head around the beauty beside her. She had grown accustomed to an unmistakable darkness Finn held, but this became increasingly difficult to believe. Rae’s eyes scanned over him in wonder.His features were not striking, not something that stood out; but more hidden and when you got to see it… Really see it, it was the most captivating thing you could ever have the privilege of witnessing. 

It was just touching on four in the morning, Rae was a little pissed at the fact she was now wide awake. She originally had not planned to stay in Finn’s but after he text her, asking; she found herself back in his bed. If it was any other day then she would’ve told him no, just to keep her mother happy, but as today was his appointment she figured he needed the comfort of her company. Rae felt Finn’s grip tighten on her, pulling her even closer. She pulled the covers tighter around them both and curled into his side. 

She found herself closing her eyes as she attempted to drift back into a sleep. Once seeing it was impossible; she reopened them and continued to watch him. And that’s how she stayed until the sun came up and her alarm went off, once seeing he was stirring she clamped her eyes shut - hoping he hadn’t caught her. 

She heard him grumble and groan, followed by the nudging against her foot,  
“Rae, your alarm,” She heard him croak. 

She kept her eyes closed and pretended to be in a deep sleep. When she heard him called out her name in a childish, sleepy whine did she then “Wake up.” She reached for her phone and switched off the alarm.

  “You look knackered.” He commented. 

“I am, hardly had any sleep,” She did suddenly feel tired and found her eyes growing heavy, she was surprised when he asked,

“It wasn’t me, was it? I didn’t wake you up or anything?”

She shook her head and told him it was the thunder. He accepted this, although they were now lying on their sides and facing each other; Finn stared past her - his eyes swam in thought. His attention was now focused on Rae as she asked, “How you feeling, you know, about today?” He grew awkward, shrugging, “Alright… I suppose, don’t really wanna go but it’s gotta be done,” Rae was glad he could see it was important and instead of running away from his problems; hiding behind anger and a frown - he was preparing to greet them with open arms.

Avoiding any more deep talk, Finn rose out of bed and walked towards the end of the bed; he turned and looked down the bed at Rae - who was now sat up. 

“Now, missus, how does breakfast and coffee sound?”

“That sounds wonderful,”

He hovered for a moment and Rae could feel that heat rise in her stomach as he purred, “But first,” He then crouched down and disappeared underneath the covers. She felt her pajama pants being slid down her legs, she obeyed and opened up for him - awaiting for the morning joy.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————————  
His knees bounced nervously and he chewed on his thumbnail as his eyes darted around the waiting room anxiously. He didn’t want to be here and the exit being so close was a temptation for him, maybe he could say he was going for a cigarette and then just leave… No, he couldn’t leave Rae. Not whilst there was a few other men in the room. The young, brunette receptionist that continually glanced at him was really started to get on his nerves, what did she want? 

He felt Rae’s hand come between his mouth and his thumb, pulling them apart and taking the hand in her own, “Pack it in, you’re gonna rip your nail off,”  
Although he was annoyed at the order; he obeyed and let her keep hold of his hand - tempted to begin biting the other. He huffed, glancing round, “This doctor’s taking the piss,” He grumbled. Rae’s patience was being to wear thin, she had, had a long day at work and Finn’s consistent fidgeting was irritating her. She reminded him that they had only been there ten minutes, once seeing him look down at the floor did she soften,

“It’ll be alright you know, Finn.”

“You don’t know that,” He scoffed, shaking his head before looking down again. His brows furrowed. She felt his hand shake ever so slightly in her’s and she squeezed it, attempting to calm him and silently say she was there. He was grateful of her being there, really grateful but he was too nervous to let her know and now remained silent. 

Rae sighed with boredom, she glanced around and noticed the room was very similar to the doctor’s room where she went with Chloe - old magazines and distasteful furniture. Colour was what this place needed, then it wouldn’t be so unnerving or daunting. 

A ding was heard and Finn’s name popped up on the TV screen. He took a deep breath before rising,

“Want me to come with you?”

Finn glanced around, before shaking his head and told her to wait there. He gave her a kiss on top of her head before leaving. Rae watched him before he was out of sight, she pulled out her phone and saw a missed call from her mum. She had turned her phone on silent, something she often did around Finn as his paranoia always made him annoyed whenever her phone would go off, she called her mum and an instant eye roll happened at hearing her mum’s shrill tone,

“Rae! Where are you?”

“I’m at Chlo-”

“Don’t even try it, I rang Chloe and she said she hasn’t spoken to you since Wednesday. You’re with him, aren’t you?”

She glanced nervously around; anxious of everybody hearing her mother. But judging by the gormless stares and blank faces; nobody was paying her a blind bit of notice. She then told her mum that she would speak to her later before hanging up, she would deal with the agro later. She scrolled through her daily newspaper that was social media before switching her phone off - fear of her mum hammering her phone.

She tapped her fingers on her thighs and huffed as she looked around - inwardly wincing at seeing it had only been five minutes. As much as she would’ve liked to have gone in with Finn; being in a psychiatrist’s room would’ve set off her anxiety and brought up a lot of problems for herself. This was not about her, this was about Finn. Thinking ahead, she pulled out the pre-packed book from her bag and began to read. The words made no sense and she was unable to process them as all she could think about was Finn and how he was getting on.

Her questions were soon to be answered as an hour had passed and the squeak of his shoes on the floor could be heard along with his body coming in to view. She looked up from her book and frowned at the angry look he bestowed, he clicked his fingers at her and said, “Get your shit, we’re leaving.” She jammed her phone and book into her bag, chasing after him as he stormed out. 

The cold air stung her warm cheeks as she stepped outside, 

“Finn! Finn, would you slow down?!” She panted in a cry, he unlocked the car and threw the door open - slamming it shut once he was inside. She moved to her side and climbed in, closing the door a lot more gently than what he did. He sat, breathing heavily and staring down at the steering wheel.

“Finn?” She asked quietly, scared to breath too loudly in case he lashed out. 

“They lied to me.”

She frowned at this, asking who and what.

“The doctors, Orla, everybody! They said all I would be getting is an assessment then maybe some anger management classes and then I go in and the fucker starts going on about OCD and BPD and tablets and all that bollocks. Bollocks I don’t need!" 

He still wouldn’t look at her, just breathed heavily - nostrils flared and his eyes dark. He softly spoke a "Don’t” As she attempted to reach out with a touch of comfort. She pulled back her hand and looked down as she fiddled with the zip on her jacket. She looked up as she heard him pull out the packet of cigarettes, he placed one between his lips and threw the carton onto the dashboard. He pulled out a lighter and aggressively attempted to light his nicotine. Rae flinched as he shouted at the lighter, flinching once more as he threw it onto the dashboard. He let out an aggravated sigh as he rested his head on the steering wheel. Once seeing it was safe, Rae gently took the cigarette that held on to his dry lips and placed it into a cup holder.

“I’m sorry, Rae,”

“It’s ok.”

“It’s not,” He sat up straight, he rested one elbow on the window sill and rubbed his face before continuing, “I shouldn’t be taking it out on _you_ it’s just, I hate being lied to. I didn’t want to go there in the first place and then they started talking all that shite and I just-” He stopped himself, tutting with a head shake.

“Nobody lied to you, Finn, fair enough they did say that maybe classes would be suggested but they did also say there may be more to it. Did they say anything else?”

“Yeah, he asked me to come back next week and take it from there, said he could see my anxiety was through the roof and that’s the first thing they wanna tackle. That and the anger,”

She nodded at this. Nothing else was said and once feeling calmer within himself he then turned on the engine and put the car into motion. Once they were on the road he then asked,

“Rae, would… Would you mind if you drop you off at yours? I just need to be alone right now.”

She felt uneasy at him being on his own but she knew better than anyone that being on your own was sometimes the best thing, but she couldn’t help but ask,

“Are you sure?”

He nodded, glancing at her briefly to show that he would be fine, “Yeah, I’ll be alright. Just need to get my shit together,”

She wanted to persist and tell him that she would much rather stay with him but once seeing his hand grip the wheel tighter and his nostrils begin to flare as he wound himself up with his own thoughts she saw that he needed time.

“Finn? You’re not gonna do something stupid are you?”

She was answered with silence and an uneasy feeling settled in her stomach. It was now her turn to bite her nails harshly, 

“Stop it, Rae, you’ll hurt yourself.”

She continued anyway, but Finn being Finn meant he was always right and she hissed as she pulled a hang nail - crimson oozing from the wound. 

“What did I tell you,” Finn harshly spoke. Rae was annoyed at his "Always being right” Attitude. He couldn’t protect her from everything, which she stated quietly but the statement was not strictly about the hangnail. She watched as she awaited a response, something snappy and full of attitude was what she braced herself for. She was not expecting a soft expression followed by a quiet,

“I can try.”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————–  
“You look like shit.” Spoke Orla.

And shit did Finn feel. He had barely slept and barely ate, his obsession with what the psychiatrist had told him his main focus. Not even Rae had crossed his mind, only gave her a brief thought when Orla asked, 

“Have you spoken to Rae?”

“Not since last Friday,”

It was now the following Friday. He wanted to contact her but time had slipped through his fingers and before he knew it a week had passed. May have only been a week but the lack of sunlight and food was beginning to show. He and Orla were sat in the living room, evening tv on lowly and Orla ate a pot noodle - the smell made Finn’s belly grumble. She grew serious and scolded Finn for neglecting his girlfriend, putting her empty pot noodle on the table and sitting back,

“Oh, Finn, are you serious? That’s a joke that, why haven’t you even called her? Guessing you haven’t told her that your appointment got brought forward then.”

His silence was enough of an answer, along with the lowering his eyes in shame. His appointment had been rescheduled for the Wednesday and not Friday as the doctor had double booked, also he wanted to see Finn sooner as his problems were more of a priority than the other patient’s. Although Finn did not agree with tablets or therapy; he accepted the help but he wasn’t doing it for himself. He was doing it for Rae. He was going to start a thing called DBT which was designed specifically for people with Borderline Personality Disorder, although he disagreed with the diagnosis - he went along with it. And to treat his anxiety he had been put on a low dosage of Zoloft, but even though the dosage was low he still found himself feeling very drowsy from them. He didn’t think he needed the tablets but the doctor explained that his feeling of needing to control everything and his anxiety levels were not normal; which he then stressed that he was anxious because when he wasn’t in control and in his little bubble everything went wrong. He also disagreed with the therapy suggestion; inputting that perhaps CBT was the best thing for him and maybe perhaps he needed to change his way of thinking - but the doctor could see his problems rooted a lot deeper than just changing the way he thought.   
He was surprised that Rae hadn’t contacted him and now that Orla had mentioned her; Rae was the only thing on his mind - one obsession to another. 

“Call her.”

Orla stated as she answered his inner thoughts. He pulled out his phone from his pajama bottoms, unlocking it and searching for her name in his call log. He frowned when the phone rang out, followed shortly by her voicemail. He hung up, locking his phone and placing it back into his pocket. He knew she was annoyed with his silence and he wanted to call her again but he was just too tired to play these games. He was tired of himself. Orla watched him give up on the first time and scowled, 

“What are you hiding from her for, Finn? She’s your girlfriend, she doesn’t deserve this,”

He still didn’t look at her, wincing at her words. He felt his brows knit and his eyes narrow as he bit back,

“I’m not hiding from her and anyway, she was the one who didn’t pick up.”

“Bullshit, you’re doing the same thing you always do; hiding like a coward.”

“Leave it, Orla,” He warned, feeling his temper and emotions rising.  
“Admit it, you admit that and I’ll leave you alone,”

He then sharply looked at her and she was taken aback by the shine in his eyes as tears threatened to fall, 

“I’m scared, alright?!” He choked, “I’m just… I’m scared,”

“Of what?” Asked Orla in a whisper, still in shock from his out burst. Him crying was alien to her and it unnerved her as Finn hated to cry and often lashed out as a way to cover up his emotions. But he was too tired to get up and throw a tantrum. He looked down, not caring about the tears that now soaked his cheeks, he felt his bottom lip quiver and just simply stated,

“Everything.”

And that’s when he crumbled. Orla moved from her seat and moved over to him, pulling him into her chest and resting her chin on top of his head. He was just fed up of feeling like this. This was the outcome of suppressing so much emotion for many years and now he was coming apart, falling to pieces. Finn felt as if he had aged about ten years over night.

“Want me to ring, Rae?”

He shook his head vigorously, “No! No, don’t,”

She shushed him, calming him. He then asked in a whisper but it was loud enough for Orla to catch, feeling tears spring to her own eyes,

_“Why can’t I just be normal?”_


	25. Chapter 25

She saw the missed call flash on her screen and she snarled her phone as if it were his face. She threw her phone onto the bed and continued to read, this had been her week - work, reading and sleeping. With Finn’s absence, she felt her need to go out to decrease; him being not round made her feel as if there were no point in even getting dressed apart from when she went to work.

  
She was a little surprised to see Orla’s name flash on her phone and for the first time in that week she answered the call, but her tone was snappy as she thought it was Finn calling off of the girl’s phone, 

“ _What_?”

“Rae?”

“Sorry, Orla, thought you were Finn. Is everything ok?”

“Can you come outside? I need to speak to you,”

“Is Finn wi-”

“Just come out.”

And with that Orla hung up. Rae frowned at her phone before locking it and throwing it onto the bed. Just to be on the safe side Rae looked out her window and down at the car to see just Orla, Rae slipped on her shoes before she then made hast for downstairs and out; over to the car. Orla rolled down the window and Rae immediately panicked at the worried expression on her friend’s face,

“What’s happened? Is it Finn?”

“I need you to come with me.”

Rae then pressed, demanding to know everything was ok. The exact same feeling of dread pooling from her heart to the pit of her stomach that she felt when she was about to receive the news her friend Tix had passed away. Rae could feel her bottom lip quiver as she whimpered,

“Don’t tell me he’s done what I think he’s done.”

Rae felt the trapped air be released as Orla shook her head and insisted that Finn was ok but had, had a bit of funny turn - he was asleep and Orla told Rae she thought it was best that she be there for when he woke up. Without hesitating Rae ran back inside, grabbed all her essentials and left for the car still in her pajamas - luckily Linda was on a night shift so there was no hassle.  
Once Rae was buckled in, Orla put the car into motion - going at a quicker speed than usual. Rae gripped the seat tightly, both the fear of crashing and Finn upset the occupant of her mind. An idea sparked and Rae asked,

“Can we stop off at the Tesco? There’s some things I need to pick up.”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————  
Rae was saddened by the sight before her. Her and Orla had now entered the flat. Rae grimaced as she looked around, snarling at the empty food containers on the kitchen side and dining table, scattered items along the floor and the sink that was full  of dishes. Rae moved to the couch; placing the shopping bags upon the coffee table. She looked down at her boyfriend and had never seen such a defeat. He was asleep, curled up on the couch and wrapped in a blanket. Orla watched from the door, Rae asked in a whisper,

_“How long’s he been asleep?”_

_“About half an hour.”_

Rae did not once look away; unable to unstick her glued stare. She moved and sat beside his head, looking down at him. He looked so tiny and tired. Rae’s hand found it’s way to his fringe, brushing it away from his still face. Even after being in a half an hour slumber; Rae could still see the puffed cheeks and tear stains. What had happened to him? Which she asked. Orla had now moved to beside the office chair but she didn’t sit,

_“I don’t know, he just got a bit upset. Listen, am gonna go out for a bit and leave you to it,”_

Orla could see the panic on Rae’s face and reassured her that she would be fine; but if she needed anything then her phone was on and fully charged. And with that she was gone. Rae then returned to her staring, she quietly sighed and her face softened as she whispered,

_“I’m so sorry, Finn.”_

She shook her head and tutted at herself, how had she not been there for him? His silence and cold behaviour should’ve been a red flag and she should’ve took matters into her own hands; coming round sooner. But that was all it was, what ifs and should'ves. She couldn’t blame herself and she couldn’t live in the what ifs and should'ves because she wouldn’t be able to move forward and help him. She had been so caught up in her own stubborn behaviour that she hadn’t been able to see that it was cry for help from him. 

Unsure of how long he would be asleep she slowly moved off of the couch; quietly taking out the contents of the bags - the rustle of the plastic suddenly louder than usual. She neatly set the items out and wrapped the bags up, taking some of the freezer contents with her. She chucked the plastic bags in the bin and put the frozen foods away.  She heard him let out a cough and the couch creak; she froze and stared intently at the couch. But once hearing the light snores, she relaxed. 

Once finishing putting the bits away she looked around, hands on her hips and her eyes widening. This was going to take a while. She pottered about and when she came back to the coffee table she noticed a small, purple, pink and white packet upon the table which read;

“FINN PATRICK NELSON  
42 TAB ZOLOFT 30MG  
TAKE 1 TABLET ORALLY DAILY.”

She frowned as she picked them up, snatching them off the table. She looked from Finn before back to the tablets, Zoloft were one heavy tablet and even on a low dosage you had to have high anxiety to be prescribed something like that.   
—————————————————————————————————————————————  
Finn finally stirred. His eyes fluttered open and he looked to see Rae beside him, watching television and munching on a bag of crisps. He noticed Star Wars playing on the television, Revenge of The Sith to be exact. It was coming up to the crucial moment where Darth Vader was born - he’d know that scene from anywhere. He now noticed the ink that was splashed against his curtains from the night sky, the room had a dim glow from the lamp and the place was now miraculously clean. How long had he been asleep?

“What time is it?” He said in a daze. Rae didn’t look away from the screen as she stated, 

“Half ten.”  
Four hours he had been asleep, the longest he had slept for a while. He sat up, the blanket slipping from him and revealing his shirtless torso. He looked around, his brain still foggy. He looked at Rae, blinking to make sure he was seeing right. He frowned and asked,

“What are you doing here?”

She was the one who frowned, she looked at him and spat,

“What? Am I barred now?”

“No! No, it’s just… I didn’t think you’d wanna come round after the way I’ve behaved, thought you would’ve been too pissed off.”

She now softened her defensive stance and sighed, “I was, but then I realised that it wasn’t you being ignorant. I’m sorry I haven’t been there.”

He too wanted to apologise, but he was sure by now that she was sick of his apologises and said nothing. He noted the display of confectionery upon the coffee table. Pop Tarts, different kinds of sweets, biscuits, crisps, chocolate. One thing they had common? They were all his favourites. Rae watched him scan the items with his eyes, his stare curious, 

“I went to Tesco, wanted to buy you all your favourite bits but then I realised I don’t know what you liked. So, I asked Orla  and she helped. Speaking of which, mr, we’re playing twenty questions today as it’s long over due as we don’t know a fucking thing about each other,”

She breathed a laugh with the last part but was silenced when she saw the embarrassed look in his eyes and his cheeks were tinted pink. She chewed the inside of her cheek and the two fell to a silence. She was surprised when he stuttered, unable to look at her,

“I-I’d like that.”

It was then he looked at her and for a moment it was the rawest and most vulnerable look she’d seen. She sent him a small smile, which he reciprocated but with his eyes. He felt as if he were being too vulnerable and looked away, he searched for his cigarettes and lighter. Pulling one out the box and chucking it back onto the table, he lit it and grabbed an ash tray. He sat back and took a drag, exhaling as he pointed out,

“Didn’t know you liked Star Wars,”

“Yeah, my dad got me into it when I was younger,” She replied, licking the flavouring off of her fingers before placing the empty packet onto the table. Hearing Rae mention her dad was new to Finn as she never spoke of him. He took this as a chance to learn,

“Do… Do you still speak to your dad?”

He was careful in his choice of words. He awaited for her to answer, feeling bad for her sudden uncomfortable moving in her seat,

“Yeah, not all the time as he’s got a new family and who needs a mess like me when you’ve got something shiny and new,”

He didn’t like the way she spoke about herself. He hated when she would drag herself through the mud, he nudged his elbow against her’s; demanding her attention. He pointed a finger at her and warned,

“None of that.”

He hadn’t meant to have shut her up, he wanted her to be able to speak freely and comfortably around him but he just didn’t like when brought herself down. She said nothing and turned back to the television. He finished his cigarette in silence, stumping it out before placing the ashtray back onto the table. He was sick of the silence, he then rose and began to push the table out the way. Rae watched with a curious stare, what on Earth was he doing? 

He took a seat on the floor and looked up at her, flicking his head towards the empty space beside him,

“Come on.”

“What are you-”

“If we’re going to play twenty questions then we’re going to do it properly,”

“By lying down?”

“Yep.”

He lay down as an example. He stared up at the ceiling and smiled to himself as he heard the couch creak and her huffing. His side grew warm as she lay down beside him. 

“Do you wanna go first or shall I?” He asked, his eyes now bright as he look at her. She just shrugged and told him to go first. He hummed as he looked around the room for inspiration of what to ask, his mind suddenly blank,

“What is yoooour…. Favoooourite…. Flower?”

She thought long and hard about this before her eyes now lit up,

“Geraniums,”

This was different from the answer he had thought as he was expecting something normal like daisies or roses, he smiled and breathed a laugh,

“Why?”

“Because they’re the flower of the Scorpio,”

He accepted this, unable to help the laugh escape from his lips. It was now her turn to ask, 

“When did you first start smoking?”

“13.”

They continued to do this back and forth, losing count of how many had been asked. They giggled when telling the embarrassing stories and grew serious when touching open wounds, covering every score and every sore. She discovered that Finn had a secret love for Michael Jackson; which led to a hilarious story that he did Smooth Criminal at a school talent show when he was nine and he fell off the stage whilst attempting to Moonwalk - which he showed the scar in his arm where he had to have a metal plate put in. That would explain the CDs in his car and the Moonwalker and This Is It DVDs in his cupboard. 

Rae was so fascinated to hearing these things. She learned that he had a relatively normal childhood which made her wonder; how did he turn out the way he was? He sounded like he had grew up in a normal, loving home. Parents who had an easy divorce, two sisters; one named Maisie who had not long turned ten and attended a private school and another named Claudia who had not long turned twenty-five, was an interior designer and was engaged. Rae let him continue, dipping her toes in the pool of his life. As he went further on he spoke of how his dad was a business man who he and his sisters rarely saw. He was a mummy’s boy and loved his sisters deeply. He explained as a way of rebelling and showing he was distressed and angry over his parents split he began the smoking at thirteen, the knocking about with Louis by fifteen and the fights along with the dealing by seventeen.

_So that’s where it stemmed from._

“Speaking of our kid, she’s getting married in two weeks and I was wondering if you’d like to come with me.”

This alarmed her. Meet his family? Could she’d take the embarrassment she would feel for him when they turned up to the event? Surely they’d be expecting a Chloe… Just like Finn, Rae too was trying to change and agreed - forcing a “That would be nice.” He smiled to himself, nodding and looking away. Pushing away her insecurities and agreeing to attend was worth the bashful smile upon his face. The two talked some more and Rae could not help but ask,

“When were you gonna tell me they put you on tablets?”

He sighed and spoke of how if they were going to talk about that then he may as well tell her it all. Which he did, he spoke of the therapy and the tablets. He told her in full depth, even more than what he told Orla. Rae took the information in and waited for him to finish before asking, 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you to treat me any differently.”

She scoffed, shaking her head at his ridiculous reason, 

“Finn, you’re an idiot. I don’t care that you’ve got stuff on, as everybody does. All I want is to be there for you, why can’t you understand that?”

He felt a weight being lift from his shoulders. He hated that he had been so paranoid and thought she wouldn’t have took the news lightly, of course she would’ve supported him - she was the one who went the doctor’s with him. She was his girlfriend and adored him, he was a fool to have thought differently. He gave her a shy look and apologised,

“Am sorry, Rae, I’m just not used to… You know, well, this.”

He used to his hands to show the example. Rae rolled her eyes and playfully quipped, “You need to stop being so bloody paranoid and start telling me things because I can’t help if I don’t know.”

“I know, and I am trying… I really am, it’s just hard sometimes.”

He frowned at himself, pouting as he hated how he couldn’t word his thoughts and reasons properly. He had never really been good at expressing himself nor good with words. He felt Rae’s fingers intertwine with his and they shared a look. He felt his lips twitch as his eyes looked at her plump mouth; he had missed them. He had missed her. He reached out and brushed away the stray piece of hair. She felt that familiar heat brew from her stomach and upwards. His eyes grew heavy and he lifted his head slightly, leaning in and connecting their lips as one. A instant content sigh was heard from him. 

He was surprised that she was the one to deepen it. She just couldn’t get enough. He found their mouths moving in sync. He then sat up, swinging his leg around and straddling her. Their broken breathing came in gasps as they kissed and pawed at each other’s skin; unable to get enough. He subconsciously ground his crotch against her’s; trying to find some relief. He nudged her head to the side with his nose and she opened her neck up for him to kiss. He left hard and wet kisses along her jaw before nipping at her ear lobe, his dick twitching in excitement at hearing her moan. Between the kisses along her jaw he continued to do, he whispered,

_“God, I’ve missed you… I’ve missed you…. I’ve missed you.”_

He reconnected their lips but then pulled away, sitting up before he became too caught up in the passion. His chest rose and fell heavily as he explained,

“No, no we can’t.”

She propped herself up on her elbows, frowning and flustered, 

“Why?”

“Because, it’s like am using you and I don’t want it to be like that. I like you, Rae, really like you and I don’t want you to feel as if I only want the one thing.”  
She attempted to tell him that he was wrong and she didn’t think like that, in fact she wanted this. She missed his touch and just wanted  that tongue on her aching skin. He persisted and she gave in, accepting his reasoning. He then leaned forward, resting his forehead against her’s as he confessed darkly, his eyes heavy with lust,

“You have no idea how hard that was for me to do that.”

He let out a breathless laughter, she shared the laugh before he then bored his eyes into her’s. He kissed her on the nose and climbed off of her, rising. He held out a hand and helped her to her feet. His penis felt betrayed and throbbed against the seems of his pajama pants; begging for attention. He licked his lips and looked around, thinking of a distraction,

“How bout we crack open them pop tarts and watch the rest of Star Wars?”


	26. Chapter 26

Two weeks had gone by and there had been nothing but bliss. Rae now was packed and walking over to Finn’s car. Although Linda disagreed with their relationship, she made peace with her daughter; even slipping her a twenty and forcing a “Have a good time.” Before she left for work that morning.

  
Finn was sat in the car, he smiled at Rae out of his rolled down window - a warm evening breeze slipped through the open glass. He jumped out of the car and greeted her with a kiss, taking her stuff and moving to the boot whilst she climbed into the car. She waited for him to jump in and put the car into motion before speaking,

“Thanks for flowers by the way, they were beautiful.”

He told her it wasn’t a problem, a couple of days after their twenty questions he sent a bundle of geraniums into her work - along with a thank you note and a wad of money. The note spoke of how he wanted her to buy something for the wedding, although she disliked he was giving her money; she was grateful as she needed something new. 

“I got Archie to burn a CD for the journey, it’s in the glovebox,”

He said before planting a kiss on the back of her hand, she blushed at the little gesture. She reached forward, opening the glove compartment and pulled out the CD cover which read,

“Something cool?” She frowned at this, reading it out loud. She looked at him and he shifted in his seat and displayed a frown behind his mirrored sunglasses, grumbling,

“Archie, the dick. Told him to write something cool on the front, didn’t mean it literally but he thought it’d be funny.”

She breathed a laugh which was accompanied by a shake of the head and rolling of eyes. She carefully took the CD out of it’s case, slowly placing it into the stereo and awaited for the first song. She scowled when she heard a tune by Justin Bieber blare out, she looked from the radio to him,

“What?”

His tone was teasing, as were the smirk that twitched at the corners of his mouth. He then pointed out how he was expecting marks out of ten for each tune, smiling as she quipped,

“Yeah, well, it’s a zero for starters.”

“Thought this was your favourite song.”

Her sarcastic frown transcended into a playful smile, which he reciprocated with his own. They shared a giggle and he turned his eyes back onto the road, her eyes stayed on him for a little longer - admiring his choice of clothing. He didn’t wear anything special, just a simple tee and some jeans but he made the simplicity his own - marking it with his stamp. She turned her attention on to the radio and switched it over, a song by The Velvet Underground now hummed out - which she marked an eight. Whilst she spoke of her reasoning behind the number, he peeked out of the corner of his eye; he too getting a little glimpse at what she wore - his favourite outfit of her’s. The white, loose graphic tee with her light blue, ripped skinny jeans. Aside from the mascara, her face was bare - just how he liked it. He didn’t like if she wore too much as it would feel as if she were hiding something; holding a secret that he was anxious to know about.

They made it on to the motorway with good timing - just beating rush hour. Rae continued to give her verdict on each song; giggling whenever he would become offended at her low markings of his favourite songs. His phone rang out and he pulled it out of the cup holder, effortlessly driving and changing the gear with one hand. Rae found her stomach tighten as she found this little maneuver attractive; then again when did she not find anything he did attractive?“

"Hello? Yeah, just got on the motorway now…. Yeah… Yes, mum… Yes… Grey pants and jacket, white shirt, baby blue handkerchief aaaaand black shoes… Yes…” He huffed with impatience, his tone becoming sharp and snappy, “Mum, I told you I- Yes! Alright, look, I’ve got to go I’m driving. Alright… Love you too,”

 He hung up, locking and dropping his phone into his lap and his hand returning to the wheel. Rae had opted to look out the window and give him some privacy; even though admittedly she was relieved to hear it was his mum on the other end - also relieved to hear that he would be wearing the same blue as her dress. They were matching without him even knowing as he had yet to see the outfit. She smiled at herself when she could hear the teenage tones seep through his words. She pulled her stare away and landed it on him as he spoke,

“That was my mum, just making sure if I’ve got everything and you,”

She was curious. But instantly regretted the asking, curiosity killed the cat and all that,

“It’s just because she wants to make sure that I actually do have a girlfriend and not some fling like usually,”

He too regretted his words, regretted them as soon as they were slipped from his mouth. He inwardly winced, squeezing his eyes shut before reopening them and attempting somewhat of a an explanation,

“I mean it’s just cause I-”

“It’s ok, Finn, I know." 

And know she did. She just chose not to acknowledge his past of adultery and lonely nights. They fell to a silence, Rae returned to looking out the window and Finn; the road. Rae could not help but feel a bitter sweetness, Finn’s experience in bed would not necessarily be a bad thing but knowing his lips had been on another women, knowing his dick had entered countless women that were not her… Could she be able to shrug away the feeling that her inexperience in the art of sex would be under his scrutiny when she opened up for him? 

"A 7.”

She spoke, grabbing his attention. He looked at her, quizzical and she flicked her eyes towards the radio before back on him. He caught on and his eyes narrowed,

“Excuse me, Eminem is a genius and I will not expect a rating lower than an eleven on his behalf,”  
——————————————————————————————————————————————  
The Savoy, a Fairmont-managed five star hotel, was one of the most celebrated of London landmarks, proudly standing on the Northbank of the River Thames. The ballet, opera and theater of vibrant Covent Garden were just steps away; with the City, world-renowned museums and galleries, and the designer shopping of Knightsbridge and Mayfair within easy reach on foot or by taxi.

The hotel’s 267 luxury rooms and suites celebrated The Savoy’s dual historical influences, featuring either elegant English Edwardian design or sensational Art Deco style. Many afford breath-taking views across the River Thames, and of iconic London landmarks. Those staying in suites enjoy dedicated Butler service, and all guests could have access to spa treatments, a private pool, a grand ballroom, and 24-hour gym.

The room Rae and Finn stayed in was not a room, but a suite. The bedroom had a king’s sized bed, mountains of duck and goose feather pillows. The headboard was a deep oak that had been hand carved into somewhat of a cloud shape, it was accompanied by four posts which had champagne and beige, thick drapes pushed away. In the corner was an olive arm chair with a flower patterned throw cushion. The chandelier was just like the room; grand and of great wealth - the sun hit the crystals and specks of rainbow splattered along the ceiling and random parts of the room. Two bedside tables that matched the headboard and a large window that overlooked greenery and a large golf course. Overall it was very airy and light with a touch of class and English countryside.

Walking through, there was a large sitting room, two bathrooms - one an en suite - and one room was a small walk in wardrobe. Rae felt overwhelmed and her mouth fell open as she wandered throughout. Finn had completely downplayed how much money his family actually had by the look and size of things. He brushed passed, the plastic covering which contained his suit over his shoulder and his large, overnight bag in his other hand. He moved towards the bedroom and hung the suit up on one of the bedroom double doors before then setting his overnight bag upon the floor. He then watched as he awaited for Rae to appear.

Rae then followed through, her eyes widening in curious awe. This was the first time in their relationship that Finn had seen her speechless. He breathed a laugh and asked,

“Like it?”

She stuttered, unable to think of anything. She decided on commenting that she loved it and wondered how much did it cost him. He shook his head and giggled,

“Nah, I didn’t pay anything. Claudia’s fiance did, said the family deserved the best and only the best,” He spoke as he slipped off sunglasses, chucking them onto one of the bedside cabinets followed by his shoes on the cream, finely woven carpet and then threw himself onto the bed, happy to be on something other than the leather he had been sat on for the past two hours.

“ _Fucking hell… Thank you, Greg,_ ” Rae muttered, glancing around once more before setting her things down. Finn smiled at himself, catching Rae’s words. He felt his side grow warm as Rae had now joined him on the bed, she too relieved to be out of the warm car. The Spring weather made leather an unbearable material to sit on.

He told her to lift up whilst he slipped an arm around her, tapping his chest to tell her to place her head there. She curled into him and once comfortable they found themselves quieten; enjoying one another’s company. Finn began to play with her hair and over the top of her head he watched as her glossy, strands slipped through his fingers like the finest of silks. 

“So, what’s the plan?”

He shrugged, sighing. He just wanted to stay in this little moment forever,

“Thought we’d get settled then maybe go have tea with my mum and our Maisie. I’d take you to meet Claudia but her head will be up her arse,”

Rae nodded into his chest, “That sounds lovely,” But her voice was quiet. 

“Well, you’re gonna have to like it as we’re due to have dinner in twenty minutes.”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Rae refused to speak to Finn from the moment she stressed about the short notice of meeting his mother and until they left for the restaurant. The little sneak had left it till the last minute, accidentally-on-purpose forgetting to tell her he had already organised the meeting with his mother and baby sister. Rae was in a panic, her mind kicking into overdrive as she was certain his mother was going to be all elegant clothing and manicures and there was Rae; jeans and bitten to the nub nails. 

Finn let Rae have her tantrum; in fact he found it quite amusing. The two walked silently side by side as they made their way through the hotel and to the restaurant. They approached the table, one furthest to the back and beside one of the large windows. The room lit by candle light as the night sky dimmed the inside. Cutlery and conversation hummed throughout the place; Rae and Finn earned a few snarls from the over dressed people - the snarls directed at their dressed down attire. Rae could’ve died there and then.

She was surprised to see Finn’s mother wasn’t anything like she imagined when it came down to clothing - she wasn’t blazers or shirts but more cardigans and jeans. His mother had a kind and warm face, full lips, faint crows feet creased at the corner of two gentle eyes. Dirty blonde hair that was full of life, curled and reached just below her shoulders - this was how Rae imagined a typical mother to dress and look like. Not like her mother. This woman seemed to have saw many a scraped knee and seemed the type to be handy if in need of a sewing kit.

Finn was not kidding when he told Rae that Maisie was a miniature version of him. Maisie was small and had a thin figure - obviously whatever junk she ate was burned off through the multiple sports she took at school. Brown hair that was pulled into two braids and brushed away from the most angelic and pretty little face. Like her big brother, her eyes were the colour of Earth kissed by spring rains, the hue that promises to stir life from dormant seeds. Her nose wasn’t like Finn’s, the only thing that wasn’t like his, but more snubbed compared to his button-shaped curve. But what Rae could not simply get over was the dust of freckles that accumulated across the bridge of her nose - God. It was like looking at Finn in a wig. 

“Finn, you’re late,” His mother scolded before turning to Rae, her eyes brightening, “And you must be Rae!” She turned to Finn, commenting that he was right and she was in fact beautiful. Finn’s cheeks burned and he whined a “Mum” Through gritted teeth. They all took a seat and Jane wasted no time into asking,

“So, Rae, where did you two meet? He doesn’t tell me anything, it was only last week he told me he had a girlfriend,”

The sudden sad shine didn’t go amiss in Jane’s eyes at the information that her son barely shared anything about his current life but Rae sent her smile and explained of how they met. Jane continued to ask more questions and Rae answered them with a calm and cool charm. Finn could not help but smile at the interaction with two of his favourite women. He sipped at his water before looking around, bored already and the awe of the talk quickly passed. To his rescue, his phone rang out but he frowned when seeing the caller ID. He silenced the call and put his phone back upon the table - ignoring the curious glance from Rae and his mother.  
————————————————————————————————————————————————  
“God, Finn, that was amazing,” Breathed Rae, Finn came up from underneath the covers and flopped down beside her onto his back. The two had returned from the pleasant dinner and as a way of preventing her of asking who was calling him earlier he decided to give her a little surprise. 

“My pleasure,” He spoke, his voice heavy and a wicked smirk on his lips. He was taken aback when she had caught her breath and then awkwardly stuttered,

“Do… Do you want me to… You know?” Her giving oral was something that was yet to be brought up and she was so unprepared she silently prayed he didn’t say yes. He shook his head and told her no, he so badly wanted to feel those lips around his throbbing head but his medication caused him to go floppy at the most awkward times - and the thought of the embarrassment of him going soft in front of her was too much of a burden to bare. She then pressed,

“Honestly, Finn, I don’t mind.”

Her innocent stare begged to differ, he knew she was just being polite. He smiled softly at her and suggested perhaps another time. The light breeze drifted through the room, curling around Finn and Rae - causing them to cuddle closer underneath the blankets. Even under the blue and cool glow of the television could Finn see her beauty and it was the most alluring thing his eyes had ever laid upon. The glow and flush burned her cheeks; her eyes glassy as she came down from her high. He could devour every inch of her skin and it would still not be enough.

Finn turned his loving stare away from her and opted to nosing at what was on television - nothing special. His stomach twitched as Rae’s nimble fingers traced circles around his abdomen. She then spoke, watching her fingers as they drew a little pattern on his naked skin,

“I like your mum, she’s nice,”

He smiled, relieved that she liked his Queen. He looked at her, his eyes hopeful, “Good, am glad as she likes you too,”

“Really?” Off his nod, she pressed; prying into wanting to know more, “How do you know?”

“Because she wouldn’t have made it past the starters without telling you she didn’t, my mum’s not two faced and hates when people bullshit,” He stated as a matter-of-fact, breathing a laugh. Rae shared his laugh,but her’s was with more relief than a joke. She then pointed out that Maisie was a lot quieter than he described, asking was it because she didn’t like her. It wasn’t that, Finn explained, it was that Maisie was jealous when seeing another woman become Finn’s object of affection. He told her that she would warm up to Rae by the time the wedding was over. But Rae wasn’t sure she could wait that long as she loved children and it made her anxious if a child was cold around her. Finn found that warm feeling spread across his chest at Rae’s angst of wanting to receive his younger sister’s approval. He was glad that Rae was eager to become one of his own.

 _One of his own_ , it had a nice ring to it.

“Do you ever think about the future?” Finn asked as he watched Rae’s hair slip through his fingers, her dark locks reminded him of the drink; Dandelion and Burdock - the drink of his childhood. Rae looked up from the crook of his neck with a frown, 

“You wha’?" 

It was his turn to frown, his forehead and expression loosened as he shook his head; as if he were not meant to ask out loud and it was more of a thought, "Nothing… Doesn’t matter.”

Now she was interested, she then turned onto her stomach; resting on her elbows as she looked at him - intrigued into what he was going to say next. He cocked an eyebrow, lifting his head to get a better look at her,   
“What?" 

She half smiled, her eyes twinkling with cheekiness, "Tell me”,

He shook his head, he was now annoyed at himself for speaking out loud,

“Forget it, Rae. It’s nothing,”

She pouted, her skin now itching into wanting to know what he meant,

“Please”,

In which he replicated her pout as he sat up, placing hands on either side of her face before quipping, “No, now sleep as we’ve got to be up early.”

She childishly scowled at him, her eyebrows creased deeply. He was not going to give in and widened his eyes at her before commanding, “Bed. Now.” In which she gave him a huff and an eye roll. She turned away, her back facing him and she didn’t bother with a goodnight. He did want to tell her of what he meant, speak of his current thoughts. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t express fully of what he meant - as he didn’t know exactly what he did mean. Plus, it was a bit full on. Well, more than a bit. He wanted to speak of how he could picture this, ten years from now - except they’d be giggling, drunk and Rae would be dressed in white. He’d speak of how he could imagine them moving into their own place, eating take out whilst sitting on top of unpacked boxes and a mattress on the floor would be their bed. 

He wanted to speak of how he saw a beautiful little girl, with the tiniest toes and fingers. She’d have Rae’s lips, perhaps his nose but God help the little one if she inherited his bloody eyebrows. Finn wanted to confess of his feelings but they were too deep considering they had not even reached a month - these thoughts were something you perhaps considered when you had been with somebody for at least five years. Never mind three weeks. Finn hated that trait about himself, he never saw the grey and only the black and white. Loved deeply or hated passionately. Nothing or all. He wanted to be able to find that middle ground; something he would soon be covering in therapy. 

But for now, he continued to think deeply. He looked at the body beside him and chewed the inside of his cheek; feeling his brows furrow deeply. He wasn’t so sure whether it was the smell of an wedding in the air or just Rae as a person; but he could feel that new and unfamiliar, tingling feeling raise the hairs on the back of his neck and cause his body to twitch - becoming restless. He so desperately wanted to slip an arm across her, feeling her warm back against his chest. He craved her attention. He was unsure of the moment or the look or the words that caused him to fall so deeply, but he was in the middle before he knew he began.


	27. Chapter 27

“Rae, if you’re not out here in the next five minutes then I am going to spank that perfect little backside of your’s,”

Finn playfully warned from the bedroom. Rae was in the en suite, dusting the final strokes of blush across the apples of her cheeks. She placed the make up on the bathroom counter, she fluffed out her curls and then admired her outfit in the mirror. It was a long sleeved, thigh split maxi dress - the colour of powder blue. The heels were sling back and matched in both colour and taste. The dress was flattering, complimenting the curve of her breasts and hiding what her mother would call “A multitude of sins.” Not that Rae could see any for she felt beautiful. The heels gave the illusion of tonned legs, making them appear longer than they already were. She took a deep breath, hyping herself up before exhaling and nodding - leaving for the bedroom.

She shyly appeared from the door and awkwardly fidgeted with herself. Finn was stood by the window, doing up the final button on the shirt cuff. He froze, looking at her. He could tell she was nervous by the way she kept smoothing the dress out, looking at her feet and fixing invisible creases. 

“Rae, you look-” He was unable to find the right words as nothing seemed to fully compliment the beauty, the grace and the mold of her curves. All the art he had seen in his lifetime could be placed within this room and not one could  compare to the stunning piece before him. Not even the finest of artists could paint a picture as beautiful as she. And she was his. The feeling made his heart swell,

“Wow,” He breathed out. Her cheeks were tickled pink and she asked did he like it. He couldn’t get his words out quick enough,

“Like it? You look beautiful." 

She blushed at his words and commented of how he looked beautiful too. He wore a grey suit pants that shimmered a silver in the sun light, black and shiny dress shoes along with a fitted white shirt tucked into the pants and the first two buttons undone. His freshly cut hair was swept back and combed neatly; complimenting the high bone structure and aged him - like fine wine. The room was suddenly warm and to stop themselves; Finn shrugged on the grey, matching suit jacket - tucking in the little blue handkerchief in the pocket. Rae placed her phone, lipstick and money in her matching blue clutch.

Finn couldn’t help but stare at her, his eyes were unable to look at anything but her. She sprayed two spritz of perfume and then looked up at him. He hope he had not been caught and he looked down; dusting off the suit before she then asked,

"Before we go, have you took your tablet?”

He nodded, growing awkward and now finding the room a sudden interest. To defuse the tension; Rae joked that there were no drinking for him tonight as she wasn’t up for cleaning his sick. He moved over to her and held out his arm, she looked from the arm to his face as he asked,

“You ready then, girl?”  
————————————————————————————————————————————————–  
The ceremony had went well. The bride was a picture. Her white dress was a replica of the Vera Wang Rae had saw in a magazine a couple of weeks ago. Sleeves that cut off at the elbows, a see-through and delicate covering that had flower shadows sprinkled across it and down onto the trail. Underneath the see-through covering was a small, white and satin little number that cut off at the knees. Claudia’s hair was coiffed in a loose bun that allowed small curls to frame her face and neck, softening her features; small sprigs of sweetly scented Jasmine and baby white roses, which contrasted perfectly against her light locks, were woven throughout to soften even more, and satin kid slippers, very impractical but lovely all the same, completed her ensemble. She too, like Finn, had high cheek bones and the soft bridal look complimented those famous freckles that were more apparent against her sun-kissed skin. Her dress clung to her frail figure; flattering her and gave the illusion she had a full chest without being distasteful. It appeared the Nelson gene pool was swimming with stunners.

Finn thought he had gotten away when he shed a tear; but Rae caught it and quietly teased him throughout the ceremony. As their dad had been unable to make it; Finn had been asked to take on the role of walking his sister down the aisle. 

The party was in full swing and the sun had gone to bed. The grand ball room was no less elegant and large than the hotel - able to be filled with the hundred guests and still have room to spare. Endless tables were set out and had powder blue and white satin table sheets draped across them. In the middle of each table were place settings and a crystal vase, a divine display of violet, large coronations, baby cream and white roses and added bits of greenery that had been cut fresh that morning. Chandeliers hung proudly from the ceiling and were now switched on; the bulbs were dim and gave the room a warm glow. A stage had been set up upon the dance floor and to the left of the room was the long and carefully designed wedding table which nobody currently occupied as the speeches had been given, food had been ate and drinks flowed - along with merry chatter.

Drunken uncles chortled by the bar, bitchy aunts shouted over one another and kids screamed and giggled; high off sugar and restless energy as they weaved in and out of tables. Rae was currently talking to Jane, cooing over the wedding. Finn, jacket now shed and shirt untucked, was currently dancing with Maisie. Rae and his mother watched; their admiration for Finn shined in their eyes for their own reasons. Jane grew serious and spoke, grabbing Rae’s attention,

“Thank you for making him happy, it’s been so long since I’ve seen him like this. I know this may be the wine talking but I’m just so glad to see that smile come back,”

Rae was unsure of what to say. She softened and placed a gentle hand on top of Jane’s,

“He’s safe with me.”

Jane was taken aback by this, now realising that Rae knew. She was unsure of how much she knew exactly and just gave her a small smile. The lively tune came to a close and Finn hoisted his sister onto his back; making his way over to his mother and girlfriend who had now pulled their touches from one another. Finn placed Maisie down, he took a seat beside Rae and huffed,

“God, I’m knackered.”

Rae giggled and Finn asked if she was enjoying herself, which she was. Jane then spoke jokingly of how if Rae wanted her ear back. Jane then also spoke of how it would be nice to see this to be Finn’s day in the future, Rae’s cheeks were splashed pink but Finn just looked at her and softly smiled. Rae looked up at him and the two shared a warm but intense stare, Finn then hunched over slightly; resting his elbows on his knees and taking Rae’s hand in his. He went to ask if she wanted a drink before his eyes fell to the door; his back straightened and he frowned. He excused himself and stalked off. Rae watched and felt her smile be wiped away as she saw Louie, Kendo and Mitch.

  It was clear that Finn was scolding them for showing up to his sister’s wedding, his nostrils flared and his eyes dark. Louie appeared to be stressing over something, Finn’s face fell and he quickly looked around before leaving with the men. Rae’s jaw clenched and she shook her head, tutting to herself. She was surprised when Jane sighed and pointed out,

“Just can’t help himself, can he.”

It was surprising to Rae that Jane knew, the way Finn went on about his mother; Rae would’ve thought he’d protect Jane from those dark and lurking corners. It was a surprise to know that Finn was open and it appeared that he and his mother had a very close relationship - something Rae could only envy and wish for with her own mother. She thought back on Jane’s words, agreeing and growing angry. This was his sister’s wedding day, of all the day’s Finn could’ve picked to bring disgrace upon the family and he chose this one. For all to see and show that he had not changed. 

Rae felt her bad mood decrease when Maisie asked for a dance; unable to sit still. Rae rose out of her seat, her hand being took by the little one’s tiny and nimble fingers and being dragged onto the dancefloor.

Back at the bar Finn finally appeared after a half an hour disappearance. The burden of Louie and yet another favour burned a hole through the suite’s floor and down to the ballroom. He didn’t care if he was going to be sick; he ordered a straight JD - along with a shot. He brought the shot to his lips; knocking back the liquid and cringing at the taste. He slammed the glass down and began to sip at his whisky. He rested his forearms on the bar and felt a gentle hand be placed upon his back,

“I was wondering where I’d find you, baby brother,”

He looked to now see Claudia. He apologised for his absence, kissing her on the cheek and speaking of how beautiful she looked - she and the wedding overall. He could see there was something that she wanted to speak of, Claudia was an open book and was unable to hide any troubles or woes. She eased into it, first commenting,

“I met Rae earlier, she’s nice, Finn,”

Her tone was full of warning and he scoffed, shaking his head, “Makes you wonder what she’s doing with a piece shit like me ay,” His lip curled ever so slightly. Claudia gave him a look and nodded,

“Well yeah, especially when you bring gangsters to your sister’s wedding.”

And there it was,

“Ah, so you saw.”

“Yes, I did and so did mum and everybody else. It’s not nice, Finn, seeing you still knock about with those little shits.”

He felt fourteen again, her words a repeat of history. He felt guilty, oh he did but Finn didn’t do well with guilt and he silenced her - telling her it wasn’t her place to comment. He also reminded her that the place was full of underworld criminals as their uncles weren’t one’s to shy away from using a gun and spending blood money. He could see by her stepping back that she was hurt, incredulous that he would be so cruel and so childish as to do this on her wedding day. She was about to tell him to leave when the dj announced that the newly wedded couple were to have their first dance. She gave Finn a once over of disgust before lifting up her dress and leaving for the dance floor.

Finn downed the rest of his drink; his fingers gripping on the glass. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath; exhaling as he reopened them when he heard the first chords of Thinking Out Loud. All conversation had came to a quiet as they watched the couple take to the floor. Finn placed the glass onto the bar and weaved in and out of tables; earning a few snarls from family members as he temporarily blocked their view. He plonked himself down beside Rae and she commented in a whisper,

“You stink of whisky,”

“I’ve only had the one.”

She said nothing and continued to watch the couple. Finn was disheartened at Rae’s cold behaviour; this confirming she too had saw his friends. They had, had such a wonderful day and it had been ruined - all because he could not stand up for himself against Louie’s demands. So this is how it felt when he told somebody what to do. And it was not nice. He watched Claudia and felt his guilt increase; he could see by the sad look she now displayed that he had caused that. He had ruined her wedding dance. 

Applause erupted; following by tearful and happy sniffs as the dance came to a close. Another slow song came on and Finn said, “Come on,” Which Rae frowned at. He flicked his eyes from her to the dance floor. Before she could protest, he rose and practically dragged her out her seat by her hand. A few drunken aunts and cousins occupied the dance floor; slurring and swaying. Finn placed one hand on Rae’s lower back; tugging her close to him. He grabbed one of her hand’s and placed it on his shoulder before intertwining their other. He led and she was not surprised he knew how to move; the sway in his hips when he walked an example.

“You had a nice time then?”

He asked, so desperately wanting to warm that icy stare. She nodded and told him she had, had a wonderful day. She began to soften, she couldn’t hold the grudge as the little mishap was a part of who he was - she knew that from the day she met him. He couldn’t change over night and so she accepted it and the ice melted. They moved as one and Finn’s thumb gently grazed Rae’s lower back as he kept her close. The red wine Rae shared with Jane was now beginning to take effect; her cheeks warm and her hormones were sensitive. 

The two were quiet and whilst Finn looked around; Rae could look at only him. She was not sure whether it was the wedding or how beautiful the curve of his jaw looked under the warm light but in that moment she knew it was Finn. She wanted to give herself to him. And he could have her, all of her. She so desperately wanted him. He sent her a small smile and kissed her before the two grew lost in one another’s stare and embrace. Rae swallowed as she built up the courage,

“Finn… I… I want to,“ She barely whispered.

He heard. His lips unmoving as he processed her words. Finn’s body seemed to tense, not quite sure of his next move. Her heart thumped in her chest, Finn’s stunning eyes piercing into her’s.

“Finn,” She confirmed, her eyes widening at him and he was silent. He was at a loss for words. 

Rae wasn’t naive to the fact that Finn had had sex before, that information was evident. His knowledge and experience often intimidating her as she had no clue on most of the acts under the sex title. But making love. She wasn’t so sure he had committed to anything as remotely profound . And by his almost stiffened posture her thoughts were confirmed. This would be the first time it had actually meant something to him. She wanted him to make love to her, she wanted that sort of intimate connection with Finn. The connection that only lovers had; to put her trust in him and his in her.

He looked almost frightened as he stared at Rae. His eyes wide and blazing with both excitement and nerves. 

“Are you sure?” Finn’s voice hoarse as he desperately gazed at her.

She gave him a small nod. His touched slipped away from her, only momentarily. His hand intertwined with her’s and he pulled her over to their table. He let go and moved to his mother, saying they were off to bed and he would see her in the morning. Grabbing their bits, Rae also bid a goodbye and Finn took her hand once more; leaving for their suite.  
————————————————————————————————————————————————  
Finn closed the suite’s bedroom doors as Rae quickly made her way over to the other side of the dark space. Her fingers felt round for the switch to the bedside lamp. Once found the room was engulfed in a soft glow. She turned to face Finn who had removed his keys, phone, and wallet on the bed side table along with his suit jacket over the door. Whilst Finn slipped off his shoes, so did Rae before she then placed her clutch upon the bedside table, she then turned to him.

The depths of his stunning eyes stared at her as she fiddled with her hands, shuffling on her feet.  Rae knew her nervousness was clear, receiving a small smile from Finn,

“Come here.”

His long fingers extended to her, her now bare feet moving toward him to accept the gesture. She swallowed down her anxiety, biting on her lower lip. 

Finn’s left arm slid round her back, gently enticing her closer,

“You’re safe. I’ll keep you safe,” He whispered.

And she believed him. Rae knew Finn would stop at nothing to protect her. It was difficult to describe to anyone how their relationship had begun. But more so how it had developed. Rae could trust Finn with practically anything. Is this what it felt like to be in love? To be so engulfed in someone, to want to give them everything.

He had already given her his heart.

An innocent kiss was exchanged between the two. Pulling apart, but still their lips continued to brush. Their foreheads pressed together as she carefully felt down his stomach. Her hands trembled as her fingers undid the first bottom button. The shirt was eventually undone and unpeeled from his smooth skin, threw across the room. He then looked at her, his fingers slipped to the back of her dress; latching onto the zip. He raised his eyebrows at her and awaited for the consent, once it was given he slowly sipped it down; it dropped silently and pooled at her feet.

Rae’s embarrassed gaze fell to the floor as she realised she was now almost bare before him. He slowly unzipped his pants, dropping them to floor and her heart sank as she now saw the infamous, deep purple scars along his thighs. Two long fingers grasped her chin and he tugged it upwards; demanding she look at him,

"You have your’s and I have mine, let’s leave it at that. Just for tonight,”

She nodded. Finn closed the distance. Soft, full lips were instantly on Rae’s, tongue forcing its way into her mouth. She didn’t resist, her body surrendering itself to him. Finn could have everything she was able to give and more. She was his. 

Rae’s hands linked at the back of his neck as they continued to kiss. Rae began to tremble and he soothed her with sweet nothings; reminding her it was ok. Rae yearned to feel his warmth. She couldn’t wait any longer. The large span of Finn’s palms all over her body as he touched and caressed the soft skin; making sure to take extra care of the parts she hated most. He smiled into the kiss as Rae’s fingers trailed up his back to a place where she knew he loved to be touched. Fingers instantly winding into his hair.

“You’re so beautiful.” He mumbled.

Rae gasped, one hand remaining tangled in Finn’s hair, the other gripping the back of his neck as he walked her backwards. Their bare feet touching as the two stopped at the bottom of the bed. The kiss was not broken once as he slowly pressed her onto the bed and her back. He paused for a moment, hovering over her and his eyes darkened. His gaze in awe, his eyes never leaving her body. Rae reached out to him, trying to get him to move closer. He complied, kneeling in between her bent legs as he brought her hand up to his mouth. Pink lips left small kisses to the skin. Rae still laid on her back as Finn continued his delicate touches. Her heart thumping thunderously as he hovered over her, a small smile on his face as his thumb brushed over Rae’s neck. Her eyes closed and she inhaled; exhaling deeply at the touch. Her eyes fluttered open as she heard,

"So that’s where it’s been hiding,”

He spoke with a laugh but his voice was thick and heavy. She followed his gaze and saw he was speaking of the beautifully written quote underneath her left collarbone. She had completely forgotten about it. He grew serious and licked his lips; the temptation to speed things up so unbearable. But he had to go slow as this was not about him; this was about Rae.

Hands skimmed down her body, cupping her breasts and gently squeezing them. Tingles of pleasure burst across her skin in goose bumps. He knew exactly what effect he had on Rae and he was taking full advantage. Her head rolled to the side, chest rising and falling rapidly under Finn’s intimate touch.

“No, look at me.” He instructed.

Her eyes flickered open as she met his intense gaze, fingers trailing over her stomach. Every tiny touch seemed to be magnified. Finn’s presence all-encompassing, overwhelming her. Finn had moved further down the bed, kissing at her sensitive skin as he went. His movements were so hot, seductive. If she wasn’t laid down, there was a strong possibility Rae would have fallen in a heap to the floor. Her mind snapped back when she felt his touch on her underwear.

“You know I love these.” He fiddled with the lace. 

Before Rae had a chance to regain her breath he dipped his head. Hands trapped her ankles, pinning her feet to the bed, knees bent. His open mouth placed over the front of her underwear. Hot breath seeping through the thin material as he purposefully puffed out. Rae’s trembling body brought a satisfied smile to his face, unable to move her legs and at his mercy. His chuckle could be heard and felt as he nipped at the skin of the inside of her thighs. Rae froze as her underwear was slid slowly down her legs, all the while Finn left no part of her pale skin untouched by his lips; showering her body in intimate affection. She was almost now completely bare. The reality of the situation only just sinking in. The beautiful man she had feared not too long ago slowly making his way up her almost naked body. 

One of his thighs rested between her, his prominent bulge becoming increasing apparent as he ground his hips gently. Rae let out a moan and it excited him even more. Finn slipped off of his boxers, tossing them aside and his dick sprang upwards. Now he was the one to be completely bare. Finn gave her a once over before leaning over her, reaching for his wallet. He sat back and retrieved the square, silver packet. He tossed his wallet away and Rae watched as his teeth ripped at the silver; Finn’s fingers routinely carried out the actions. Rolling the condom down his stiff length and discarding the foil to the side.

He was soon on top of her once again. Palms spread either side of her head before he lowered down. They inhaled each other’s warm breath, her heart beating wildly in within her chest.

“Are you sure, Rae?” Finn asked, eyes intently searching her for any doubt. But he found none.

She nodded, not trusting her voice. Rae’s eyes were fixed on Finn’s face as his hand traveled down between them both. Muscles tensed as she felt Finn cautiously press into her. She winced, forcing him to attempt a second time. Their fingers quickly became entwined to the side of her head. Whimpers fell from her parted lips, Finn pushing in a little further. The sensation was something she had never felt before, unpleasant in a strange way.

“Does that hurt?” He asked, holding his position. Rae told him no but he could see the pained expression. He was unsure, he looked at her and then rolled his hips; pushing himself in further. She sucked in a pained breath and he whispered,

“We can stop if you want, if it’s too painful.”

She knew he was being polite and that he was desperate to have his release. Despite his worries; he went with her consent and continued. His hips still continued to move gently but the pace became a little faster. Rae struggled to balance her breathing, the limited air she was drawing in, unable to satisfy her needs.

“Rae, y-you’re so tight.” He stuttered.

Her fingers were released, Finn’s large hand gripping the headboard above her. The muscles in his arm continually tensed as his hips met her’s. His heavy breathing puffed out, eyes screwed closed. When he opened them, the darkness they displayed struck her with fear. The sparkling brown replaced with black. She had only ever witnessed him look at her like that once before, staring straight through her. A sob escaped her lips as Finn gave her a particularly painful thrust. Her nails racked down his glistening, naked back. He lowly moaned in response, catching hold of Rae’s hip. His fingertips deeply pressed into her skin, holding her in place as he continued to rock into her. 

There was no kissing, nothing intimate about the situation. Is this what the other girls had experienced? With another heavy thrust it became obvious to her. Finn wasn’t used to being gentle. He would shut himself off from any feelings connected with sex. It had never been anything more than just a shag to him.

“Finn.” Rae urgently gushed.

Rae wanted to kiss him; discover the playful, caring guy she was falling for. Her fingers desperately brushed over his face, hastily trying to capture his attention,

“P-Please.” Her voice cried.

Her touch caused him to shake his head, eyes squeezing closed, his pace instantly began to slow. She tugged him down by his neck, forehead pressing to her’s. Finn’s movements became less forceful, the warmth of his eyes gradually returning as he stared at her. The transformation was astonishing and it made her wonder if the handsome man above her had any idea of what had just happened. Relief flooded her… She thought she’d lost him.

“Ra…” He whispered, his words faltered as the pleasure took over.

His lips feverously covering her in a passionate kiss before dotting small pecks all over her face. Finn let go of the headboard, releasing her hip and resting his weight onto his forearms. It was so warm, perspiration trickling from the wisps of hair, down his neck as he concealed her with his naked body.  
His movement varied from small, quick thrusts to slow, torturous ones. Rae’s mouth parted, struggling to breath as his paced decreased again. The feeling was so intense, so overwhelming. But nothing like it had been a few minutes ago. That was rough, painful. Finn’s breathing was heavy, his eyes on Rae’s face the whole time. Intently observing her, attempting to see how she reacted to different speeds.

“You like it slow?” He whispered in confirmation.

Rae wearily nodded, his actions leaving her speechless. He was making love to her. Slow and romantic. Rae couldn’t concentrate on anything but Finn. It still felt uncomfortable, but it was bearable. Rae’s fingers trailed down his back, he smiled, lightly moaning. His strong body arching into her as she repeated the actions with her nails.

“Shit.” He throatily groaned.

Her head was encouraged to the side, Finn nuzzling into the crook. Small, soft sounds escaped from her lips as he lightly bit at the sensitive skin. Rae let out a strained giggle, his nose nudging against her cheek as he quietly whimpered, attempting to get her attention. The second she turned her head, Finn’s swollen lips were pressed urgently to her’s. The kiss was sweet and playful, a side of Finn that she had only seen, no-one else. His hips still continued to meet her, the air around increasing in temperature.

“Does it still hurt?” He mumbled.

His question took Rae a little by surprise and there was no point in lying about the answer. Brown orbs attentively explored her’s as he waited for her reply. Finn received her small nod. Drawing back, his expression was one of pain as he absorbed her revelation. His eyebrows creased into a frown. His steady pace continued to rock against her. Hot breath emitted into the small space between their mouths, profanities tumbling from the angel-like figure above her. Finn was fighting to hold on, but seconds later large hands slid beneath her. She gasped, her torso lifting from the mattress as Finn held her tightly in his arms. Her head rolled back as he gave her a few quick thrusts. Rae wrapped herself around his body.

“ _Oh my God._ ” Finn moaned.

Her breath seemed to hitch in her throat as she felt Finn twitch inside of her, spilling his seed into the condom. Their chests were tightly pressed together, the thump of their hearts beating just as furiously as one another’s. Kisses were pressed down his neck, a prominent vein protruding as Finn rode out his orgasm.

She was carefully laid back on the pillows, her body feeling sore, completely exhausted as she sprawled out on the duvet. Finn sweetly kissed her lips before collapsing on top of her.


	28. Chapter 28

“Are you ok?”

A window had been cracked and the two were now huddled together under the blanket; limbs sweaty and tangled. Rae nodded and although her body was sore; the cool fabric of the duvet relaxed her aching skin. Finn wasn’t convinced and pressed - he had to get more than just a head nod of confirmation that he hadn’t hurt her. And although Rae’s hip throbbed from where his fingers had once gripped; she told him that she was ok and just a little sore. His hand absentmindedly trailed up and down her back, the embarrassment of being in nothing in her bra in front of him not registering. 

The only feeling Rae was experiencing was Finn, his presence all encompassing. Lips, hands, skin making contact. They became lost in their own thoughts, the past hour did not feel real to Rae. They had, had sex. A truth she was still attempting to get her head round. She felt sore, speechless, content. But a small part of her was still covertly aware of the certain darkness that Finn had unknowingly struggled to control during their intimate connection. Not that Rae would comment about it; wanting to keep tight hold of the magic that sprinkled over them like fairy dust.

“What does it mean?” She looked up from the crook of his neck with a frown. He glanced down at her tattoo before his eyes sprang back up to her face. She caught on and thus began to explain,

“Oh! Right, when I was younger I had a serious Harry Potter obsession. And when I started to cut it’s all I would watch as it made me believe that there was still some good left in the world, and it’s my favourite quote from both the books and the films. It stuck with me. My mum went mad when she saw it,”  
Rae giggled at the last part. Finn shared her short and brief laughter. His happy expression quickly turned awkward as she was the one who now asked,

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,”

“You know your lock? Well, I noticed Orla has a key and just wanted to know what it meant, since we’re speaking about tattoos and all that,”

Of all the tattoos on his smooth skin could she have asked about and she chose the one he was most embarrassed about. His cheeks grew a little warm and he warned her not to laugh before explaining that when he and Orla were younger and still do it to this day; as they share a secret they join pinkies and kiss their fingers before saying “Under lock and key” And when Orla first moved in, the two had got blind drunk to celebrate and their friend who he no longer was in contact with had just bought a tattoo kit. And the rest was history.

He frowned when Rae began to laugh, his warnings meaning nothing. He told her to stop but could not help the giggle escape his lips at her infectious laughter. She softened; telling him she actually found it rather cute. She did but she was also secretly envious that the key was not on her skin but another girl’s - even if that skin belonged to Orla. Rae found her fingers tracing circles around his abdonmen and Finn looked down; watching. He wondered if they would ever get tattoos together - not strictly speaking matching as it was bad luck to get a matching tattoo with your partner. Just going together as a couple. That’s one thing he had wanted to be able to do with his girlfriend, randomly decide to go and get a tattoo at four pm on some idle Tuesday. 

Rae shifted beside him slightly and he could tell by she was a lot more tender than what she said. He hated that he had caused her any pain and he wanted to be able to take it away. Be able to feel what she was feeling. He watched as her eyelashes fluttered as she yawned.

“You tired?”

Although she told him no; the pouches underneath her eyes sagged as they fought away sleep. His hands found their way to her hair and slowly caressed her scalp. Something he found was a sure-thing into getting her to sleep. 

“You don’t regret it do you?" 

Her words took him by surprise. He frowned, looking down at her. Her own words had now gave her a sudden energy. She dare not look at him in fear of showing her vulnerability. He shook his head,

"No, Rae, why would I? If anything I should be asking you that.”

Which led him to asking did she - her sudden questioning making him paranoid. She reassured him that she didn’t and her reason in asking was because she was just simply curious. The tension that held over them since their first encounter at the pub, which felt so long ago, now shifted and had been chased away. There was nothing left for it to grasp on and now they were naked before each other - both so raw and open. Vulnerable to one another. The questioning made them come out of their post-sex haze; the situation of what really had just happened a reality. Rae so overwhelmed she shed a tear. He had heard through friend’s that girls they had slept with cried after sex and Finn thought it was bullshit but seeing it right before his eyes alarmed him. He asked what was wrong; wiping a gentle thumb over her wet cheek.

“Nothing, it’s just… I’ve never had someone care so much for me before. And just… Oh God, sorry,” She now breathed a measly laugh. Wiping away the tears. He was offended that she felt the need to apologise - for there was nothing wrong with feeling. But like him; she didn’t like to cry. Feeling like a burden whenever showing her emotions. He pulled her in closer, tightly holding her and telling her she was ok and that she was safe. The repetitive reassurance was a comfort and she could hear him tell her forever. 

He became alarmed when she winced as his fingers danced lightly along her hip. He frowned, not beating around the bush. He threw back the cover and sat forward; getting a better look. His expression transforming into something along the line of confusion as he looked at the already bruising marks on her skin. Finn’s vision flicked to her face momentarily before returning to her side. Seconds later Rae had caught up with his curious observation. Her small hand hastily traveled to cover the brandishing marks, but he caught it before she could - pushing her hand away. He was almost certain he hadn’t seen them before. Rae was always bumping into things, tripping over her feet, or thin air more often than not. But realisation hit him hard as he studied the formation of the bruises. His touch hesitantly rose to her hip, heart sinking as he placed his fingers and thumb over the impacts. They fitted perfectly. It was him, he had caused that.

Finn couldn’t remember touching Rae there. And even if he did, he wouldn’t have bruised her. His breathing increased, eyes desperately finding her’s in search of an answer that she left unspoken. He frowned and asked was it him who had done it - he already knew the answer but needed to hear it from her. She whimpered, telling him it was ok and she knew he never meant to.  
He then looked away. He pulled up his knees and rested his elbows on them as his brows knitted with one another in anger at himself. She slid a hand up his back and felt her heart sink when he shrugged it away. He thought back and felt a sudden feeling of nausea. All he could remember was how good it felt… His fingers gripping her hip… Her begging him to slow down. She flinched when he climbed out of bed, she pulled the covers up to her chin and she cowered. Asking quietly,

“Where are you going?”

He searched the room for his bag - pulling out some sweatpants and a t-shirt. He threw them on, along with his trainers. He told her he was going for a cigarette whilst grabbing the box and his lighter off of the bedside table. Rae could only watch as she knew it was no use in telling him to come back to bed. 

He couldn’t stay in the room any longer; knowing he had tainted her delicate and perfect skin. He wanted to stay with her as she had just completely opened to him; feeling vulnerable as it was her first time. But he couldn’t, he could not physically sit there with the burden of those bruises weighing heavily on his shoulders. He opened one of the bedroom doors before he turned and looked at her; staring straight into her soul as he just quietly said,

“I’m sorry, Rae.”

And with that, he left.   
————————————————————————————————————————————————  
Rae waited for him. And waited. And waited. Once seeing he was not going to return and she was unable to delay sleep any longer; she had fallen into a deep slumber. It was now the following morning. Her eyes still swollen and sore from last night’s crying; they fluttered open. Her hope deflating at seeing the empty space beside her. 

Her ears tuned in to her surroundings and she could hear the shower lowly. She rose upwards slowly; wincing. She looked to see the sun was no longer out - a heavy rain lashed outside. How coincidental. She heard the shower shut off and froze; holding her breath as she awaited for him. 

He appeared and it was apparent he was still upset with himself as he was unable to look at her. He wandered in, towel around his waist and droplets of water trailed down his naked skin. She watched him with a curious stare - awaiting for any interaction from him. She craved his attention. She blamed herself; hating that she had let him see the marks. Over looking that he was the reason they were there. He dried himself off, carelessly tossing the towel to the side once dry. His back facing her the entire time as he shrugged on his jeans and socks. He paused, mid-buttoning of shirt, 

“Finn,” She quietly demanded, “Please look at me,”

He couldn’t. His back rose and fell as he found the courage to look at her. He didn’t mean to be so cold but he knew the moment he looked into her eyes he would crumble. He couldn’t look at her because he knew he had hurt during her first time - and those marks would now haunt her every time they slept together. That is, if she would allow him to lay with her again. He continued to button up his shirt, he spoke over his shoulder, 

“I’m going to meet my mum and Maisie for breakfast, be ready by the time am back as we’re leaving early,”

Trainers tied and he was out the door. She wanted to call him back, tell him he was being selfish and not considering her feelings as there was two of them in this - her skin was the one that was marked. She was no longer afraid and just simply drained. She slowly climbed out of bed, heading for the shower. It wasn’t that Rae was a coward, hiding and masking the pain she felt; it was that she just realised she could not push it - letting go of control and just simply letting it be. And it wasn’t that she did not feel the pain, she just was not afraid anymore.   
——————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Rae watched two of the raindrops race each other down the car window. The car ride no less uncomfortable than the encounter when she woke up. She was surprised that she found them pulling up outside Finn’s place; expecting him to take her home. Luckily she had thought ahead and packed her work stuff. She was even more surprised that when he parked up; he pulled the flat key off of his key ring and handed it over,

“Orla should be in, I’ve gotta do a couple of things but I won’t be long,”  
She wanted to tell him no. Demand he take her home as she wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him - her getting out of the car a crippling reminder of her lack of self-control. She took the key off him, barely passing him a glance as she climbed out. She didn’t bother with collecting her stuff and headed down the little brick path; landing in front of the metal door. She made her way inside, up the stairs and outside the flat door. She took a deep breath, preparing herself and forcing a smile as she entered. 

As she closed the door, she heard Orla call out, “You’re back early,”  
Rae made her way through and the absence of Finn and instead Rae walking into the flat surprised Orla - who was currently pottering about the place whilst puffing on a spliff,

“Oh alright, Rae, where’s Finn?”

His whereabouts Rae was uncertain of, which she told Orla. Earning an eye roll and shake of the head as it was no surprise. Orla asked if Rae wanted a cup of tea and after gratefully accepting; Rae sat down on the couch and numbly watched the television. Not paying attention but it was something for her eyes to focus on. Once Orla gave Rae her cup of tea; she sat down beside her on the couch - her fingers curled around her own mug. 

The two chatted about the wedding and Orla could sense Rae was holding back - Finn’s absence and the troubled stare supporting this. Orla tried to get it out of her friend; subtly coaxing her into confessing - but her attempts failed. Rae could see Orla was trying to pry and she was tempted to simply lift up her t-shirt and show of the marks - but that was a private matter and she knew Finn would not appreciate it being shared. She knew the fuss that would follow was not worth it - he hadn’t meant to have hurt her. He wasn’t abusive and it was an accident; dragging more people into it would only dramatize the situation and she was positive not even Orla would understand.

She didn’t even mention she had, had sex. The thought burned her cheeks and the room suddenly became warm. He had made her feel so special, started a riot within her heart that could not be tamed and now he wasn’t here. She checked her phone and saw he had been gone an hour. She tried, not holding on to the little things but she could not help wonder where he was and what he was doing. 

He did eventually show. Three hours later. Orla was currently painting her toes and Rae was watching tv. He returned with the two over night bags over each shoulder and take out in plastic bags within his hand. He went straight to Rae, kissing her on top of the head. Orla frowned as she watched Rae briefly flinch. Her curious stare wandered from Rae to Finn, who now had moved to the kitchen; chiming a “Who wants pizza?” In an overly happy tone.


	29. Chapter 29

The tapping noise of his phone pulled away her attention from the currently playing film; she now peeked out the corner of her eye. Once she heard the lock did her stare spring back to the television; hopeful she hadn’t been caught. He had been so very private the past fortnight, a permanent frown and messy hair from where his fingers had continually ran through it. Something worrying his troubled mind. Rae too had been private and although it bothered him he was so wrapped up on his own little world that he did not have a moment to ask what was wrong.

It was not about her giving herself to him - this they now did on the regular with every chance they got. It was not about the marks on her skin; that had been spoken about and  he came to terms that it was an accident and accepted her reassurance that she did forgive him. There had been no arguments; no lingering bad emotions. So, what was wrong with her? 

She could ask the same about him. His quiet and private behaviour made her curious, what was he hiding? She knew he was a private and reserved man but not this private. For although they still had a lot to work on; they were at a stage that if something was bothering him that much then he would speak his mind. Even if it was something to do with his gang of merry men. Could he be cheating on her? Rae hated to think it but the signs were there, showering before getting into bed with her, the distant stare, jumping when his phone went off and then placing it face down. She had heard through friends of the signs and never really payed attention - not until now.

She watched him out the corner of her eye and felt frustrated; she wished she could see that smile - she hated when he frowned. She had such a drowning grip on his adoring face and sometimes she was so engulfed with her feelings that she was not sure she could stand. Since sleeping with him she had become so dependent on him that she was barely at home - becoming so used to being in his presence that she hated to be alone. Even when he left she had to have somebody sitting with her until he returned.

“What have I told you about staring?”

She now came to and could feel her cheeks burn; her stare quickly turning to the television. His tone wasn’t playful like it usually would be when he would speak about her staring and it hurt. He rose out of his seat; mumbling something about needing the toilet. He left and Rae’s eyes fell to the shiny object on the seat - he had left his phone. She peeked round and heard the click of the bathroom lock. She turned and swiped the phone - having to be quick about it. She typed in the passcode and headed straight for his Blackberry Messenger app; knowing he never used his text app unless it was speaking to her as she didn’t have the BBM app for iPhone - she blushed momentarily at seeing his display picture was of him and her. Her eyes scanned the messages and she held her breath as she clicked on the most recent one;

KENDO KNEEN @ 18:45  
 _Did u get them alright mate?_

FINN NELSON @ 18:47  
 _Yeah. Nice one._

“Having a good read are we?" 

The phone slipped out of her hands and onto the couch. She looked up and although her heart still rattled she puffed out her chest and asked,  
"What’s they? Is it here?”  
“What they?” He said with a frown, his tone full of frustration and defeat, “What are you going on about _now_?”

“Kendo messaged you, asking did you get something alright? What is it, Finn? You said nothing was in this flat,”

He gave her a once over before scoffing and shaking his head. He turned and stalked off into the bedroom, Rae’s eyes following him. He disappeared for a good five minutes before storming back in. He slammed down two tickets on the coffee table and Rae felt guilt worm it’s way through her system as the words;

“KILIMANJARO LIVE PRESENTS  
                  THE 1975  
       (Plus special guests.)  
      MANCHESTER APOLLO.”

“I bought them as a way to say sorry, for what I did. It was supposed to be a surprise, was going to get us to stay in mum’s for the weekend as well as she lives down there and I haven’t been to the new house yet. Thought we’d kill two birds with one stone.”

She was left speechless at both the gesture and Finn’s sad stare. His shoulders slumped at now seeing his surprise was ruined, that and the fact she hadn’t trust him and thought the worst of him. She attempted to apologise and he shut her down,

“Save it, Rae, you know I can’t believe you’d even entertain the idea that I’d keep something here whilst you were here. You’d honestly think I’d put you in danger like that?!”

“No it’s not that, it’s just ever since the wedding you’ve been glued to your phone. Y-You’ve been weird ever since Louie asked you to do yet another fucking favour for him, you can’t blame me for being suspicious!”

He shook his head, chewing the inside of his cheek as he attempted to swallow his anger. She whimpered and attempted yet to apologise. He softened as the words left her mouth. He sighed and took a seat beside her,

“Rae, you need to trust me. Now, I know I haven’t got the best past but… But that isn’t me anymore, I promise. You’ve just got to give me a chance and believe that I’m trying my best to change,”

His eyes flickered as they searched her’s - trying to see whether she believed him or not. He felt relieved when she nodded and apologised, speaking of how it was just her being paranoid. He accepted this; despite wanting to tell her that she had every right to be paranoid. They paused for a moment; their eyes searching one another and asking silently did he/she feel it too. His hand slowly moved from his lap to up to her face; cupping her jaw and running a gentle thumb along her bottom lip. 

He pulled her into him; his lips colliding with her’s. She sighed into his hard kisses, their hands beginning to explore one another. The two fell to the floor; barely missing the coffee table. He came down on top of her; their mouths unable to part. His lips were like magic as they moved along her jaw. The roughness of his trousers created an intense friction between her legs, and it wasn’t long before her hands were between them both and fumbling with his belt. They both slid his trousers from him, kicking them off of his ankles and then chucking them away. She sat upwards and they were now chest to chest, his lips were quick to find her neck once again. He was so hot and hard above her. It felt incredible. He looked incredible. The light from the living room lamp accentuated each line and crevice of his tense muscles, and his jawline looked sharp enough to cut through ice. She pulled on his hair as his mouth attached to her left nipple whilst his hand attended the right, leaning backwards slightly as she ground her hips against him.

“Fuck,” Finn breathed heavily, “Condom.”

Kissing over the swell of her breasts and back up her neck, Finn’s hand aimlessly searched the floor above Rae’s head, until he’d pulled his wallet from his trouser pocket and had found the small square package. He groaned as Rae continued to kiss along his jaw; pushing down his boxers and he kicked them away. His cock instantly sprang upwards and away from his body, hard and swollen. He looked magnificent; so natural and raw. His flesh was warm and soft beneath her lips, and quiet sighs of pleasure slipped from his mouth as she nipped and sucked at his skin. As he rolled the condom down his length, Rae wriggled free from her own underwear pants and underwear, sliding her lips upwards over his jugular and to his jaw, then finally to his own parted lips.

“Turn over for me,“ He nipped on her lower lip and smirked, his large hands guiding her hips as she turned away from him and put her hands to the floor in front.

“Put your forearms to the floor,”

His voice was laced with a soft command and she slowly lowered herself so that her forearms lay flat on the floor in front with her legs parted and hips in the air. She was completely exposed to his eyes and his eyes only, and she couldn’t help but smirk as she heard a strained groan of satisfaction come from behind her. Everything was so erotic and she shuddered in anticipation, ready for him to take her. With his muscular legs either side of her’s, he slid her t-shirt forward as he ran his tongue from the very base of her spine to the nape of her neck, leaving a hot, wet trail of saliva along her skin. He paused there, breathing hot and heavy, before taking his shaft in his hand and rubbing the tip of his dick between her legs. Her head dropped forwards and Rae clawed at the rug below as Finn began to slide himself inside of her; both sighing in desperate relief as he filled her excruciatingly slowly.

Within an instant, his hands were on her hips and he was thrusting himself into her hard and fast, pulling her back against him as he did so. Rae’s entire body jolted as he took control; eyes squeezed shut in euphoria as an exquisite pressure began to build from deep within. Finn’s biceps bulged fiercely as he put his hands to the floor and held his weight above her, and as Rae turned to look over her shoulder, his lips caught her’s and pulled her into a hard kiss. Rae moaned and whimpered against his lips as his right hand came around her front to fondle her breasts; teasing. Her mind was a blur of all sorts of sensations and pleasures. 

His lips found her’s once more and he massaged them gently, a contrast to the hot and frantic moments that had happened only seconds ago. 

"Stay still,” He breathed, and suddenly his hand came down on to Rae’s backside with a slap, somewhat warily, as if testing the response she gave to his action. It took her by surprise and she cried out, and although it didn’t hurt, Rae was very aware of the warmth quickly spreading over her right cheek. The room fell silent as Finn massaged her cheek, and then his hand was gone. 

Another blow came to her skin, this time harder than before. Everything about it heightened Rae’s arousal; the sound, the sting, the noises coming from Finn as she spasmed and clenched around him. Rae didn’t protest. She felt so erotically vulnerable and powerless beneath him, stripped bare of all self-possession. At that moment in time, she wanted to belong to him. She did belong to him; body and mind. 

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” Rae whispered, “Spank me. Please.”

Her breaths were coming out hard and fast and her back arched and she jolted forwards as his hand came down heavily. 

“Harder,” She breathed, pulling his lip between her teeth as his face stayed close to her own.

His hand came down again with a harsh slap, leaving an intense burning across her skin. His breathing was ragged in her ear as he tenderly kneaded the raw flesh between blows, caressing Rae with his palm and fingertips.

“More?”

Finn pushed himself inside of her further as he continued to stroke her stinging backside.

“Yes.”

Slap. And again. Harder. Rae cried out as her entire body trembled. She felt so hot and tight and full as she muscles contracted around him and skin tingled with a sensational warmth. It was a strange feeling; being aroused by the smacks and yet was so frightened when he had gripped her hip in the hotel. She was not sure whether it was because she was now in control of whether he was allowed to spank her or her hormones buzzed so loudly in her eyes she couldn’t hear herself think.

“You’re so beautiful,” He murmured, gradually leaning his weight against her hips until her body was flat against the floor. With Rae’s legs out straight between Finn’s, everything was so much tighter and the pressure against her clit had her squirming instantly. Finn was slow to begin with, making sure that she felt the entire length of his cock moving inside of her, working her muscles into a tight frenzy. But as the muscles in his arms began to strain and his breathing deepened, he picked up his pace once more, thrusting into her with such force that she lost her breath. Rae cried out as friction burned between her skin and the rug, gripping on tightly to Finn’s forearms as his hips knocked against the backs of her’s and he pushed her further and further towards her release.

Rae’s muscles were tight and the pressure in her entire lower region was so hot and intense, especially with the position she was in. She just needed that little bit more. And Finn gave it to her. Hard. Not once did he falter when her nails dug into his skin and body tensed around him, disintegrating into an overwhelming orgasm that had her seeing stars. She knew that he needed to come as well, and he’d done a damn good job of keeping control. As Rae moaned and writhed beneath him and her orgasm continued to sweep through her, he came with a loud sigh of relief, thrusting his hips a few more times until he was completely spent and collapsed on top of her, exhausted.

With his chest against her back, Finn pulled her hair from her shoulder and kissed her neck gently. Rae lay there still, too breathless and shaky to move, and even after he’d withdrawn from her, warm, soft waves continued to roll through her body.

“You’re shaking,” Finn’s voice was deep and quiet as he lay to he side, drawing his finger up and down her damp spine, “Are you okay?”

Rae’s heart thudded steadily against her chest. Her body was in heaven, completely cocooned by pleasure, and she hummed dreamily before turning her head to her left to face him.

“A few friction burns, but nothing I can’t handle.”

He smirked, resting his arm out to the side as he nodded for her body to join his. She languidly shifted towards him, enjoying the warmth of his skin as she curled her body at his side and rested her head just beneath his arm. He was hot and sweaty and smelt of sex. Divine.

“Sorry,” He whispered, pulling her body closer.

“Don’t be,” She smiled as she thought, “I’d take friction burns every day if it meant having sex like that.”

She lifted her head from his body to look at him and he laughed, playing with the baby curls at the nape of her neck. He tilted his head slightly; looking at her with a intrigued stare,

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Yes.”

“Good,“ He smirked, "I thought you might.”

Finn paused for a moment, pushing a wayward strand of hair from her face. The way he was looking at her had her curiosity hurling into overdrive. She couldn’t read him and her pulse began to quicken as his lips curved upwards in dark amusement,

“What are you thinking about?” She whispered.

He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. When he opened them back up to her, it was like looking into the eyes of her deepest and darkest desires, 

“You know,” Finn began, “They say that curiosity killed the cat.”

Finn’s voice was barely audible as their gaze locked. Rae had never felt so intensely thrilled in her entire life and her heart was pounding in her ears. He moved away from her for a moment to retrieve the throw from over the couch, pulling it down over them and cuddling her back into him. They lay side by side; their faces facing one another as they both studied each other in awe.

"Thanks for the surprise, by the way,” Her voice was low; scared in case she spoke too loudly and it broke the intimate spell that overcame them. His eyes twinkled in amusement at this and he breathed a laugh, shaking his head at her. He paused for a moment and he could see something shine in her eyes; something he could not quite put his finger on. It unnerved him, so he asked, 

“Do you wanna go to bed?”

He half hoped she would say no as he just wanted to stay there. Lie with her, something he could do for the rest of his life.

“No, let’s just… Let’s just stay here for a while," 

He watched as she lowered her gaze; growing lost in a pensive day dream. Finn heard his phone buzz against the leather. He sat up and swiped it from the couch; once seeing the caller ID he looked at Rae - asking did she mind if he excused himself. Although she did not mind him speaking in front of her; she respected his privacy and told him he was free to take the call. He answered, cradling the phone against his ear as he rose to his feet - the blanket slipping from him and leaving him bare. Rae watched in admiration as the muscles in his back flexed as he threw on his boxers; the phone balancing between his shoulder and ear - she was unable to pay attention to his low mumbles. Just his body and the way it moved.

He disappeared into his bedroom and Rae straightened out the blanket; shifting as she attempted to get comfortable. He returned and Rae rose upwards, tucking the blanket underneath her arms to keep her body hidden. She felt her shoulders slump when he said,

"I have to go out for a little while, do you mind?”

She shook her head, not trusting her own voice. He threw on his t-shirt and shoes. He grabbed his bits and pieces; giving her a gentle kiss before leaving. But his lips weren’t warm and the contact wasn’t as loving; it more cold and forced. Rae thought that maybe she were paranoid but it seemed that he had started making a habit of leaving her after sex. He had done a few times in the past two weeks, some of the time he got straight out of bed; asking did she want a drink or food and the rare occasion he would roll away - claiming he was too hot to cuddle. She knew Finn had issues with cuddling after sex; it something alien to him and new. 

She hoisted herself off of the floor and headed for the bedroom- switching the lamp and tv off on her way. She threw on her loose t-shirt that reached just above her knees. She climbed into bed and flicked on the television; although nothing took her fancy she decided on an old re-run of Friends. 

She hadn’t realised how long she had been thinking but three hours eventually passed and she heard the front door open and close. She quickly switched off the television and closed her eyes; her ears now sensitive due to her lack of sight. She heard the shuffling of his feet against the floorboard along with slurred “Shhh, Rae’s asleep,” But no voices replied to his. He was talking to himself.

The bedroom door slowly creaked open and she heard him whisper; his whispering was clumsy and rather loud considering he was trying to be quiet,

 _“Rae…. Rae? Are you asleep?”_ His clumsy footsteps and then the door being shut were followed. She listened out as he continued his drunken mumblings to himself as he told himself to be quiet. Although she was annoyed with him she couldn’t help but almost giggle as she heard him try to slip off of his shoes before stumbling and catching himself. He then told himself to shush before he continued getting undressed.

The bed shifted in weighed as he crawled up and lay down beside her. She felt him shift over to her and whisper in her ear,

_“Rae… Are you awake?”_

She squeezed her eyes tighter in hope he would leave her alone - the smell of whisky nauseating her. He pawed at her shoulder drunkenly; demanding her attention. She heard him sigh but what surprised her next was him loudly whispering,

_“Ok, goodnight. I love you,”_

Her eyes shot open and she took a moment, colour draining from her face. She then turned, looking over her shoulder as she asked,

“What did you say?”

But was replied with light snores.


	30. Chapter 30

He locked his phone and threw it onto the bed - the brief and short conversation with a hyper Chop drilled a hole into his skull. Well, that was how it felt anyway. He threw an arm over his face and groaned into it; begging the sun to hide for just one more hour. He was not sure whether it had been done on purpose or it was because he was now in tune with his surroundings but the sound system in the kitchen now became unbearably loud. Regardless whether it was Jake Bugg; Finn had a hangover. Nothing louder than volume one was allowed when he was this badly hungover.

He threw back the covers and climbed out of bed; not forgetting to shove his phone into his pocket. He pulled back the bedroom door and peeked out to see Rae, fresh faced and dressed, sat the table; tucking into a breakfast - TV off and pans in the sink. He moved over to the radio and turned it down, earning a “Good morning to you too.” From Rae. He had no right to take his hangover out on her as it was self inflicted and if he wanted sympathy; maybe even get her to nurse his sore head then he was going to have to bite back his snappy remarks and play it nicely. He approached the table with a forced smile and began his apology;

“Sorry, my head’s banging and I thought that Orla had left the radio on again,”  
“It’s alright,” Is what was returned, that and silence along with the clinging and clanging of her cutlery as the silver scraped along the plate. Rae was tense as she held her breath in waiting for him to bring it up - but it never was spoken about. It appeared that he had forgotten and Rae was unsure whether she was relieved or disappointed. She could see something troubled him but she didn’t pry and was surprised when he asked,

“What are you doing tonight?”

She paused, her food inches from her mouth. She shrugged, telling him nothing was in her diary and what did he have in mind,

“Well I wanted to take you to my club tonight,”

“What, your local?”

“No, my club. I own it, well, at first it was dad’s and last night we sorted the final paperwork. That’s where I was last night,”

“Oh, right… Ok, why not,”

He wasn’t pleased by her blase attitude - expecting more than just a half assed answer. He rose out of his seat and approached the coffee table; swiping up his wallet. He searched through the leather and pulled out the amount of two hundred in a wad of crisp twenties. He chucked his wallet back on to the table and returned to Rae; placing the money in front of her,

“Buy something new, make sure it’s a dress. I’ll be outside your’s at seven, am off to get a shower,”

Before Rae could fight back, he was gone. She dropped her cutlery down in anger and frowned at the money - annoyed that he couldn’t see she was in a mood. How dare he not see her distress, she understood he wasn’t the most observant of people but you’d think with that constant staring he would see something was amiss. There was one thing above the rest that was her biggest pet peeve with him having money; him buying her. He never approached her anger; just threw money at it and hid. She could hear Chloe’s voice in her head; telling her to take the money and behave. But Rae couldn’t be bought and her feelings couldn’t be denied. She pushed her tongue against her cheek and tutted with the shake of the head.   
—————————————————————————————————————————————-  
 _The butterflies in my stomach erupted into a volcanic flutter when I saw him parked up that evening. I smoothed down my outfit - a black play suit and peep toe heels. The material was of a velvet kind; the most expensive thing I owned currently, the hem dipped and teased on lookers with a small view of my breasts - something Finn could not keep his eyes off. The sleeves were long and clung to me; slimming them down. With a bit of money I had left over I spent on getting my hair trimmed and blown into sleek curls - the ends reaching just below my chest and framing my face with curtains of black. I never bothered with my face all that much; just some blush and mascara. The only thing I did different was my lips; a red colour. As red as the blood that coursed through my veins and pumped my heart that beated for him._

_I breathed for him._

_I lived for him._

_The car journey was short but painful as the suit made me want to clasp my shaking hand around the collar of his shirt and pull his lips into mine - Our bodies making beautiful poetry. His lips; something I envied in both the plumpness and the fact they were never dry or cracked like mine often were throughout winter and in the beginning of Spring with the changing of seasons. I felt his eyes on me and I froze as I felt his finger mischievously lightly move up and down my thigh; teasing. We were soon outside the club; my cheeks burned with embarrassment as we received glares from the shivering line. We approached Mitch, my arm looped through Finn’s tightly as I was uncertain on how well I could walk in the heels. I liked Mitch; over time I had come to learn about the man - two children from a teenage pregnancy who he was currently trying to win custody over. He drove a three series BMW and had an obsession with Rik Mayall._

_The club itself matched Finn’s style and maturity; all velvet and diamonds. I expected the place to be more an acid fueld sex rave when this was more smoking jackets and cigars. I admired Finn as he greeted onlookers as if he were the criminal Prince of Stamford - bathing in the attention. The club-goers greeted my lover with the most charming of smiles but I could see the underlying fear shine the brim of their eyes. I clutched him tighter to me as we wandered further inside the place; recoginising that these customers weren’t not just local alcoholics nor women dressed in skimpy clothing - these were underworld criminals. Some of the finest too - only the best for my Finn,_

_“You seem popular,” I pointed out - so desperate into pulling his attention on to me. Its all I ever seem to ever want lately. The deep chuckle hummed from the depths of his throat and his words were teasing as he lowly quipped,_

_“All their attention means nothing if it isn’t coming from you.”_

_It always took me by surprise - the confidence in his words. The charm dripped from them and pooled at the bottom of my quivering lower region. The confidence always left me feeling bittersweet; the flattery tasted as sweet as honey but it also a reminder of the many women that had filled my position before me - the object of his charming affection. His hand found it’s way to my lower back and I felt it twitch; he now itching to grip my hips and pull the fibers of pink tissue in shreds from my lip with his teeth. We sat beside one another on a table that was in the middle of the rest; lit by candle light and a single, freshly prunned rose in the middle; standing in a crystal vase. We had a good view of the currently empty stage. I commented on how well put together the place was; speaking of how he should be proud. He attempted somewhat of a modest reply but he didn’t care about that; I could see through his darkening eyes he wanted me - honing on me like a predator. He ordered a bottle of red wine and poured us a glass each - his eyes rarely leaving mine. His silent way of attempting to show how much he yearned for my body. He took my glass out of my reach, bringing it up to my lips and I closed my eyes as I swallowed - making sure he didn’t miss the running of my tongue along my lip. If it wasn’t for the low growl vibrate from his throat then I might not have opened my eyes at all - too lost in savouring the moment to come back. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to my ear as he whispered all the vulgar things he wanted to do to me when we would go home. Tonight was not about being gentle. I ran my hand along the seam off his tight, black pants beneath the table top. He rolled his eyes and smirked at me. We took every opportunity to touch, to feel, so secretly. So public. Exhibitionist pleasure. We passed some conversation; briefly stopping to clap for the young guitarist with the earring who now wandered onto the stage. I paid no notice to him for it was about my Finn. He continually said “us” Like it meant “amen”, A prayer I could hear him forever preach and his eyes burned wild with a fire of passion. As time passed we began to become tipsy. Off of the wine and skin and things we love. His smile erupted across his face like it could shatter his cheekbones. His eyes glimmered like a lake catching the glare of the moonlight. How could I be so blessed? I can’t stop imaging my fingers as they tap like spiders legs across his bare chest as I undo his buttons one by one. He speaks like a pastor and trips over his words, his tongue struggles to meet his brain. That’s how a prodigy thinks, I imagine anyway. He was my occasional constant. A parody of himself. A paradox of ever present and transparent. I look around and find myself not being put off by the frightened and nervous stares people continually pass our way as I didn’t care what he was. I just care THAT he was._

_For he was mine and I was his._

_I watched from across the table; the way his lips caressed the tip of his cigarette. He sent me a warm smile and I could barely muster up one in return as he was just so handsome in his suit. The fitted and finely crafted material aged him; gave him a look of distinguish - especially around the cheeks. He had taken extra care of his appearance this evening; his attempt of an effort. But I saw right through it. I could not focus on the act on the stage, just the taste of red wine and his eyes. His eyes were always so dark and always in thought but whenever he looked at me, they warmed and softened as if I chased away his troubles for a little while. I always wanted to know what he was thinking about; what worries drifted through his mind that day. Were they the same as yesterday? Were they caged behind the metal bars that were anxiety of something that happened years ago? I always wondered what it was like to live with a mind like his. There was nobody like Finn, and to peek inside of that mind was the biggest privilege you could have. I wanted to drown in the river of his thoughts. My eyes trailed from him to Kendo and I felt that familiar feeling of dread curl it’s cold fingers around my heart and yank it downwards. The sparkle in Finn’s eyes fizzled and they gradually grew dark as the more Kendo whispered in his ear. He said nothing about where he was needed, he never did, he simply rose out of his seat and Kendo replaced him - striking up a conversation as a distraction. His distraction was a failure as he spoke; my eyes wandered to a secluded booth that could be seen through a mirror but was hidden by a wall. The young man who now cowered in the corner never stood a chance against my beautiful Finn. I watched as Finn took a seat in the booth; two men stood as a shield and the young, rat-looking man was handed a cigarette by Finn. Something was spoke and I flinched as I watched Finn go to light the man’s cigarette before he landed one fast, back-of-the hand smack across the cowering man’s face - never had I seen somebody resemble a rat before as much as he. He cowered like one too; must’ve behaved like one if my Finn had to lose his temper like that. I watched in the mirror as Finn slid out of the seat, slick his hair back with the rough of his palm and dusted his suit before he  turned to one of the men and told them something; something I could not quite lip read but one thing I could understand as it was something that was now continually rolled off his tongue, something that was now natural to him and spoken like a prayer- my name. I watched as the man began to approach us and I turned away sharply; hopeful I had not been caught. My ears became my eyes and I tuned in to the click and squeak of his leather shoes as they moved along the wooden floor, his breathing was heavy. He approached me and Kendo; something was whispered and next thing I knew a hand was on my back and I was being told I needed to leave and that I would be going back to Finn’s, well, that’s what I presumed as I could only read Kendo’s thin lips - his words coming out soundless as all I could focus on was Finn and why I was being taken from my lover once again. I did not get a chance to even turn for I was being shoved into the car park - the wind,  cold and the air, harsh as it nipped at the apple of my cheeks. My nose becoming redder as the more we walked. There was one thing I could never grasp the concept of was death, how one moment blood flowed through somebody’s veins and then freezes. Like ice. How somebody can become nothing no more than a memory. It was just that one brief moment, that one chance that I looked over my shoulder as I saw the flash against the glass as if somebody had opened a jar of lightening and the clasp of a bang as the man made thunder followed. I felt my legs shake as if I could feel the vibrations of the metal hum through the floor and up into my bones. Just in that one second; everything changed and just in that one moment - my real life had begun._


	31. Chapter 31

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A cold sweat glistened on her brow and she could just about catch her breath as she jolted awake. She bent her knees upwards and put her head in her hands as she steadied herself. She ran a hand through her hair and held it there as she came to - hoping it had been a nightmare. But seeing the familiar white walls and the bin bag full of blood stained clothes in the corner brought her too. The night before Rae waited till the early hours of the morning; being fed multiple brews by Orla to calm her nerves. Finn did eventually stroll in; Mitch in tow. Rae was just relieved it was anybody but Kendo had accompanied Finn. Orla was the one who demanded to know what had happened; Rae was unable to muster up nothing more than a smile. A short and brief one at that. Finn was calm, he sat down, had a cup of coffee and explained in the most simplest of terms that he was not the one who fired the gun - but it was George. One of Finn’s lackeys. But, as they had killed the beloved snitch from the Indian country - which was known as Peterborough - there was now a hunt for Finn and his gang of merry men. Rae was relieved it wasn’t Finn’s fingerprints on the metal. She knew she was playing with fire by even entertaining the idea of staying with Finn but the excitement of heading into the underworld pulled her in - like a bee to nectar. 

She climbed out of bed; not forgetting to pass a grimace at the bin bag. She wandered on through to find Orla doing her usual of puffing on a joint whilst drinking a brew - sat on the kitchen counter top,

“Want some spliff?”

Orla asked, holding the spliff in the air. Since that day on the bridge Rae had developed a taste for weed and would have a little smoke if she had the chance. She moved over to Orla and took the joint gratefully; taking a long drag. The chemical smoke burned her throat but it relaxed her shoulders. The two now did a three pull pass - along with mindless conversation. 

“Where’s Finn?”

“Said something about sorting last night and that he’d be back before one,”

“So last night wasn’t a nightmare then,” Rae sighed. 

“Yeah,” Orla said, nodding, “Unfortunately.”

The two fell to a silence and just enjoyed their joint whilst they got the moment’s peace. What Orla wondered was how many lives Finn had left with Rae, how many chances before she finally snapped. She took her hat off to her friend; she had balls. Although Finn was Orla’s friend, and by the law of friendship she had to “Legally” Standby him, she was unsure of how much she could take being his girlfriend. In fact even being his friend still, she was unsure of how much longer she could take bin bagging and burning bloodied clothes for him. 

“He didn’t do it you know,” Off of Rae’s curious look, Orla raised her eyebrows and explained, “Finn, he didn’t shoot Irish Paul,”

Rae now clicked and looked down at her feet, “I know,”

“No, you don’t. You still think it was him, I know you do and to be honest, Rae, I don’t blame you as I’d think the exact same and I know Finn’s not the most truthful of lads when it comes down to all this but believe me when I say if he had done it then he would tell you. And if you think am lying to protect you then you are sorely mistaken, I wouldn’t protect you from it as you out of everyone has a right to know about it,”

“Has he,” Rae now looked up, boring her eyes into Orla’s, “Ever shot someone?”

“Yes,” Orla said, not blinking. She then grew awkward, looking down at the joint as it became a sudden interest, “A few years ago now, it was when I had just come over. It was when Finn was just sort’ve getting the hang of things, nothing like what he does or is like now. He was a baby compared to now, well, anyway he took me out for dinner one night as a way of celebrating me moving in. He got a phone call off Louie,” Orla’s eyes now became dark as she recalled of the night, “Louie said something about, well, what I heard what they called a piece and the name of some man. Next thing I knew am in Finn’s car and then outside the man’s house. Then I heard the gun shots followed by Finn and Louie dragging him out and,” She now twitched and the room suddenly grew cold. Rae watched with wide eyes as Orla continued, but this time her eyes weren’t quite so bright, nor shiny, “And I just remember there being so much blood and the man, his screams,” She looked at Rae before looking away, shaking her head in bewilderment, “I’ve never heard nothing like it.”

She took a sip of her brew and her eyes lightened as she locked the memory back in the vault but she was still just as serious, “Finn would never hurt you, you know. Like I know he messes things up and does dickhead stuff but he honestly would never intentionally hurt you, he adores you, Rae. And I know it’s hard, watching him do all these things but he can’t change over night and as sad as it is, it’s the truth. But he is trying, I mean before you therapy was like a banned word,” She added a laugh to the serious statement. 

Rae said nothing. Just curious to hear more and more she got,

“Don’t ever be scared of him, Rae, just know that with Finn no matter what happens; you’ll always have a friend in him. He’ll always be there for you,”

“That’s what am afraid of,”

Before Orla could ask by what Rae meant, Finn now entered. Wearing a suit, _who did he think he was a fucking Kray brother?_ Rae thought. But she couldn’t deny it, she did love him in a suit. She wasn’t sure where this habit of his for wearing suits came from but they were always so fitted lovely and beautifully made that Rae could not complain. 

“Alright?” He asked, raising his eyebrows at the two of them as he shed his suit jacket and draped it over a dining chair. The girls responded in unison their replies, Orla looked between them both and muttered about leaving them to it. Finn watched his friend leave before he moved around to Rae, chucking his keys on the side. She was now sat on the kitchen counter top; legs swinging at the air. He slid in between her legs; snaking his hands up her thighs as he asked,

“Don’t I get a kiss?”

Just like her kiss; her behaviour was cold. He moved away and asked if she wanted some food, after hearing a ‘Yes’ He began cooking a full English. Her eyes fell to his curvaceous behind as it moved under the tight, grey material. Her eyes trailed upwards and she noticed the faint back muscles as they flexed beneath the fabric.  

“Where have you been?”

“The caf’”

“Why?”

“Just was,”

“Right,”

She frowned as she watched him switch off the knobs of the cooker. He moved to the side and leaned back against the bottom cupboard, folding his arms across his chest in a big huff,

“Come on, get it over with,”

“What?” She asked, with a faux look of confusion. This was answered with a look of warning and a “Don’t fuck about, Rae.”

She paused for a moment, her eyes briefly glancing over him. A wave of confidence rolled through her as she stated, “I’ve been thinking, Finn, and well I’ve came to the realisation that all of this is a part of you and I can’t change that. I now know that and have made peace with it, so, I want to lay some ground rules,”

A twinkle of amusement shined in his eyes and a small smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. Rae’s face fell and she shook her head. The ear-burning warmth of annoyance spread across her chest and she jumped down from the counter, 

“You know what? If you’re not gonna take me seriously the-”

She was pulled back by him and he softened, the smile less amused and more warm,

“Come on, talk to me.”

She pointed a finger at him playfully before moving back to the counter; now just leaning her back against it. He returned to his place at the opposite counter and mirrored her position. She took a deep breath, reopening her eyes and boring them into Finn’s,

“Right, ok. Number one, I do not want a single thing drugs or weaponry wise in this flat. Whether am here or not,”

“Ok, done.”

“Number two, no more secrets. I don’t care if you want to protect me, I want to know,”

He nodded, pouting out his bottom lip in agreement.

“And number three, I want you to wear suits more often,” She gulped, suddenly the air in the room had dispersed as he was now inches away from her. He displayed that tiger’s grin and his eyebrows twitched, 

“I didn’t know you liked me in suits,”

Her eyes grew heavy and she felt her words stumble over one another as his finger ran along her jaw. She then blinked and came too; she used her hands as a block and pushed him back. This was no time for fucking their troubles away nor the time to admit he looked so devilishly handsome in his suit. She needed him to listen,

“No, Finn,” She glanced from the floor up to him, “No, not now. Do we have a deal?”

He took a moment and Rae felt that familiar warmth spread from her chest downwards. His eyes searched her’s and there it was; that funny feeling again. God, he really did love her. He then nodded and she held up her pinkie and asked,

“Promise?”

He sighed with an eye roll, which she raised her eyebrows at him. He then looped his pinkie around hers and they shook on it. She folded her arms and tutted at herself, shaking her head as she said with a breathless laugh,

“My mum’s right, am dancing with the Devil aren’t I?”

She was expecting a laugh or maybe him to tense up - he didn’t like hearing mentions of Linda. But what came was his hands sliding to the back of her neck; locked in place. His nose brushed against her’s and his words came out in a heavy whisper,

 _“Let’s dance then, baby.”_  
———————————————————————————————————————————————  
Rae looked outside of the caf’ windows; watching the world go by. She wondered how Irish Paul’s family were, where they were and whether they actually knew. Her attention was pulled away and onto the concerned frown of Izzy, who pointed out how tired Rae looked - her words spoken in low tones as she didn’t want to alert Finn. Rae wasn’t surprised that she looked exhausted; for she felt it - which she confessed. There was a strange tension lingering throughout the gang that brisk Sunday afternoon. They  all now collected in the cafe - along with Mitch, Kendo, Louie, an older gentlemen named George and a skinny man with a rough face called Patrick.  Finn was surprisingly pleasant and it’s what scared Rae the most as he was at his most dangerous when he was his most charming.

After talking things through and finding a middle ground; Rae and Finn decided to head on out to the cafe. Finn visiting there for the second time that day. Sally’s Cafe was a typical British place; full of grease and cups of tea. A place where the most notorious of gangsters continually met up. Laughter flowed throughout the group along with conversation. The cafe bell rung out and their stares all fell to the door. A man with the coldest eyes Rae had ever seen wandered in, along with a short and stocky man, and a whippet lad - no older than twenty-two. 

Kendo, Mitch and George rose out of their seats as where Finn remained seated; sipping on his tea. Chop and Archie, along with the girls, stayed seated too. And like the girls they silently coward. Louie was the same as Finn, sat back with hard eyes and confident shoulders. The leader of the three men that had just wandered in went by the name of Thomas and Rae recognised both the description and name - spoken multiple times by her brother along with “ _If you ever come across him, Rae, turn and don’t look back.”_

“Ah, Thomas, was wondering when we were gonna see you,” Spoke Louie, Rae’s eyes glanced to him and she could only wonder how he could be so calm. Cocky, even. Thomas glanced briefly at Louie, before to Finn,

“Heard one of your men shot Irish Paul last night," 

Finn gulped his tea before placing the mug down and sitting back,

"I haven’t heard anything, have you, boys?”

Only his merry men arrogantly smirked and shook their heads - Chop and Archie just stayed quiet. 

“Don’t get cocky with me, Finn, it was in your club,”

“Exactly _my_ club, he’s been warned not to come down here and well, you disobey and you get punished,”

Thomas chewed on his cheek; biting back a snappy response at Finn’s smugness - it glaring at him. Rae held her breath as she watched, waiting the moment cowboy hats would be thrown on and guns would be drawn - Spaghetti Western music on a loop in her head. Easing the tension on her shoulders and making the situation a lot more light hearted than it was.

“I’ve come with a peace offering, I want you and Louie to come meet me in one hour. It’ll be just me and Mark,” Thomas said, nodding his head behind and towards the direction of the shorter and older man.

“And how do we know you won’t shoot them as soon as they walk through the door?”

Everyone’s eyes fell to Archie; who suddenly grew small at the attention.

“What the fuck’s it gotta do with you, you poof?” Hissed Mark.

A sudden black cloud hung over their heads; the room being swallowed in a grey tension. Kendo reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a hand gun, placing it gently but firmly on to the table; looking up at Mark with hard and stern eyes. The girls in the room all tensed, holding their breaths. Finn held up a hand, chasing away the cloud and lighting the room,

“Whoa whoa, none of that as there’s women in the room,” He scolded Kendo with a look before turning to Thomas, “One hour we’ll be with you, now go on. _Fuck off,”_  

Thomas accepted this. But he still hovered. He gave Finn a once over and smirked, shaking his head before turning and walking out with his little followers. Finn watched them leave before turning to Rae, conversation now being picked up by Chop as a distraction. But Finn could only focus on Rae and what she thought. 

“What happens now, Finn?”

The two spoke lowly; keeping it between them.

“Well, I’ll go there and we’ll sort it out,”

“No, I mean truthfully as you and I know that this isn’t over,”

She was speaking through her experience of watching Tommy do this; him going to make peace and it breaking out into a battle of two sides. She awaited for Finn to confirm that peace keeping was all that was going to happen; even though it’d be a lie and she now hated her new rule of him not keeping anything from her as he shrugged,

“War.”

He turned away from her and joined in with his friends. The realisation settled in and Rae suddenly felt pale. This wasn’t just shifting shady bits or driving round in stolen cars; this was real. This wasn’t just a young boy who’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar that was selling a bit of weed on a forbidden turf; this was a man’s game. Finn wasn’t just a little-on-the-side middle man, he truly was the criminal prince. She had heard through her brother of how there was a little Ronnie Kray in the making, but never would she have thought that she would now see the day that very same boy sat before her; now a man. Her man. She watched the men laugh it off, talking about the football and Finn’s next fight. If you had, had asked Rae exactly one year ago how to describe Stamford; then she would speak of how it was “God’s waiting room” For old people with the odd teenager sprinkled here and there. And if you had told her that the infamous underground she had heard of through the films ran underneath the very same streets she walked on to school and work; then she would’ve laughed in your face. Yet, here she was; watching the ring master wear a suit and call her “Babe.”


	32. Chapter 32

“How would you feel about a few days away?" 

Finn asked, placing a gentle kiss on the back of Rae’s hand before setting it down onto his lap whilst he changed gear. It was now Tuesday and Finn had just picked Rae up from work; heading for his place for the usual of tea and a film. Rae could not help but wince every time she looked at him, for now the shadowing across his right eye and the split in the bottom of his lip made her toes curl. The meeting hadn’t gone as planned but Finn the lion had yet another life save him and police came; locking away Thomas. He got twenty-three years. Stamford, Peterborough, London and now even parts of Ireland were now free and Finn was moving in.

"Where?”

The slight shifting in his seat did not go a miss but Rae ignored it. He spoke with a shrug,

“Only Galaway. Mate’s got this really nice place, proper out the way and that,”

“Any particular reason why we’re going?”

He just gave her a look and she felt her shoulders twitch - itching to slump in defeat. But she had to remind herself - she signed up for this. She asked of the details, how long would they be away, etc. It would be that weekend, fly there on Friday and be back by Sunday. As she heard that Kendo and Mitch would also be tagging along; Rae asked for Orla as she needed some female company. Finn didn’t like this but he agreed; along with a pout. 

They were soon outside of Finn’s. Rae climbed out to see a blacked out car and Mark leaning against it. Before Rae could speak, “Go inside, Rae,” Was heard from behind. She looked at Finn, who’s eyes were hard and nostrils were flared as he looked straight through her and at Mark. Finn had now moved to beside her, handing her the keys and bags of takeaway. He pushed her lightly behind him and repeated his words, but they were more soft the second time round - more of a begging than a demand. 

She scurried off into the little covered path before turning and watching. It was now reaching eight and with the moon in full bloom in the sky; Rae was well hidden in the shadows. She watched Finn as he walked calmly over to Mark. Aside from the marks; Finn looked beautiful as ever. He wore a black Addidas jumper with some black jeans. Although his suits were abscent; he still dripped in sex. She watched the two men discuss something or other before she gasped lowly and jumped back; they had turned and looked directly toward her. Paranoid. Luckily they did not catch her and returned to their conversation.

Not wanting to get caught she made her way inside and up to Finn’s flat - the takeaway and a bath the occupant of her mind.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Finn watched as the water dripped off of the fluffy white sponge and rolled down her nude form; a wall of bubbles protecting her modesty. The soft curve of her breast giving way to the line of her plump and smooth stomach. Her full hips tapering off into strong thighs. The delicacy of her collarbone drawing his eyes along her shoulders to her arms, and ending with her small, but very capable hands. She was a study in contrasts, and he momentarily wished he possessed the necessary skill to be able to adequately capture her essence on a canvas… But her beauty was for his eyes only. Her hair was up in a mess on top of her head and loose, wayward strands of hair curled from the steam of the water - softening her features.

She was a Goddess. His very own Aphrodite.   
Finn was currently sat on the toilet; not doing anything besides keeping Rae company. He wore a pair of plaid pajama bottoms and his upper half bare. Droplets of water trailed down his neck from his still damp hair - he jumped in the shower whilst Rae’s bath ran. 

“What are you thinking about?”

He asked, his eyes curious. She swiveled round so her arms were resting on the bath tub and her chin was upon her arms, 

“What I’ve gotta pack for the trip,”

He didn’t want to hear of that. He wanted to hear what she was _thinking_ about; the darker corners of her mind that continually nagged but were covered by the current thoughts about the trip. He went to ask when his phone chirped, he pulled it off of the bathroom work top and saw it was a message. He tapped away before locking it. He then looked up and saw Rae was drifting off in to a day dream and he wasn’t sure what made him switch it on silent, slide open the phone camera and take a photo but it was just something about the way her skin took on a luminescent sheen in the light and the way her eyes glimmered. It was the most beautiful sight Finn had ever beheld. After looking at that, Finn doubted any painting could ever do her justice. That intangible quality that made her Rae could not be recreated with mere paint. 

He placed his phone on the side; hopeful he had not been caught. The thought that picture now being permanently in his pocket, his own mini Rae traveling with him when she was not around, aroused him and made his heart shatter within his chest it was filled with that much love. He rose, cradling the towel that once was on his lap now in his arms and approached Rae,

“Come on, princess, you’ll end up shriveled if you stay in there any longer,”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Finn sipped at his third cup of coffee that night before he returned to the laptop screen; his eyes stinging and becoming blurred. He really needed to go and see an eye doctor - he was due for a check up anyway. His eyes narrowed as he attempted to focus on the photograph he had taken earlier, there was not much he wanted to do to it. Just soften parts and sharpen others. Nothing needed to be done to Rae, she was perfect the way she was. 

Finn wasn’t an expert in Photoshop, but knew how to touch up a photo or two. He could’ve used one of his many photo apps, but there was nothing like spending hours hunched over a laptop and putting your heart into it. And there was his heart. Right on the screen, and also in the bedroom a few feet away. He was at the dining table. He wished he could call it a night and go curl up beside Rae but he would not be able to rest knowing it was incomplete. 

“Finn, it’s four in the morning,” Orla spoke with a yawn, approaching him, “What are you still doing up?”

He rubbed a hand across his face before sighing, sitting back in his seat, 

“Just editing this picture I took of Rae earlier,”

“Ooh let’s have a look,” Orla asked, moving to beside Finn. Her eyes fell on the glaring laptop screen and her eyes softened in complete awe. She complimented it and he smiled adoringly at the screen,

“I know,” He said, gazing impassively at Orla before back to the screen, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she.”

Orla moved from Finn to the kitchen, asking over her shoulder, “Do you want a coffee?”

He didn’t look up from the laptop as he told her he had just made one. There was now a loud, hurried knock on the door. The two shared a frown, both in confusion and disapproval at somebody knocking so late. Finn sent his laptop to sleep and rose, heading for the front door. As soon as he swung it open; in rushed Kendo who moved past him and straight for the living room. Finn shut the door harshly and he frowned at his friend’s rude behaviour - how did he get in without a key? He walked through and Kendo looked at him, eyes wild and cheeks flushed,

“Kendo? You alr-”

“You need to get the girls, pack your shit and get out of here. _Now_.”  
————————————————————————————————————————————-  
“What do you mean we have to leave, Finn?” Her asking was more forceful this time, in an attempt to get an answer. Her eyes were still heavy from the sudden awakening but the more impatient she grew; the more awake she felt. He said nothing for a moment as he threw clothes and necessities into his big overnight bag that laid on the vacant and messy bed. 

“Finn," 

Her tone was full of warning, he had no time for this which showed as he impatiently barked at her, 

"Look, I’ll tell you when we get in the car. Just know our trip is being bought forward, now pack your shit, Rae, as we haven’t got time for this," 

"Are we going to Ireland?”

“No, somewhere else,”

“Bu-but I can’t just leave, Finn!” Her eyes were now wild, cheeks flushed, “What about work and my clothes and my mum?!”

“Take sick days, tell your mum I’ve surprised you with a holiday and I will buy you clothes down by where we’re going now can you just hurry up?”

She wanted to be stubborn and demand to know where they were going, but once Finn used that tone of order did Rae throw her own overnight bag onto the bed and begin to pack. 

They packed in silence, Rae practically packing everything she had at Finn’s; unsure of how long their stay would be. Once zipped and ready; he grabbed her bag with impatience and flung it over his shoulder whilst carrying his own in his hand. They walked into the living room and Rae was now surprised to see not only Kendo and Orla, but Mitch, George and Louie. The men rose out of their seats and Finn threw Kendo the flat keys, obviously Kendo would be on lock up duty. A heavy, dark atmosphere clouded the room, the fright accelerated Rae’s heartbeat as Finn’s fingers intertwined with her’s and she was led out the flat - Orla right behind them.

She noticed how dark it was and came to the conclusion that it was the dead of night, and judging by the way everything went so smoothly this had been done before. Rae climbed into the back of Finn’s car, Orla by her side, she watched as he passed the bags over to Mitch before climbing in beside her and slamming the door shut. After the boot opened and close, the car bobbing up and down, then Mitch joining them in the car but in the driver’s seat did Rae then ask once again, 

_“Where are we going, Finn?"_

Her tone wasn’t as angry as it was in the flat, but more thick with worry. He said nothing and nervously glanced around the area, his eyes wild and his body twitching every so often.

Rae turned and looked out onto the street, now noticing the other men occupied another car across the street. Rae recognised it to be the Cherry red 4x4 that belong to Kendo. She turned to see Kendo coming out of the apartment block, climbing into the passenger’s seat. But what caught her attention was the big and heavy black bag he carried. He chucked it to Finn, who asked,

"Is it all there?" 

Kendo nodded, "All there, kid, I double checked before I left,”   
As the car took motion, Rae looked from the bag to Finn. He lied to her, he had promised her that there was nothing in his flat. But it was this time Orla who now snapped,

“You told me you had nothing in the flat, Finn," 

He bit back and Orla harshly spat venom back at him. The two bickered and Rae had, had enough,

"Stop it! The pair of you and will someone tell me where the fuck we’re going?”  
Her tone was pleading, begging. Finn softened and gave in,

“We’ve got to go away for a while. Word’s got out and let’s just say that in about twenty minutes my door’s gonna get booted in,”

“By police?”

“Worse,” Finn said with a grimace, his elbow resting on the car windowsill and his hand rubbing his chin. Nothing was spoken after that. Rae could not help but continually glance at the bag in Finn’s lap that he currently cradled like a baby. This was a repeat of history for Rae, except back then she wore pig tails and sucked on her thumb. Her stomach was cramping with worry as she thought of her mother,

“They won’t be going to mine, will they?” Off of Finn’s look, Rae then spoke with more clairity, “You know, the people. My mum, she’s gonna be ok isn’t she?”

Finn could not answer as it wouldn’t be truthful if he were to say that Linda would be fine. His silence made the bile slither up Rae’s throat. Her eyes fell to her fingers as they fiddled with one another in her lap. Her ears twitched as she heard Orla snap,

“What about therapy, Finn?”

“I’ll cancel and tell them to arrange for next week,”

“You can’t do that,”

“I can, if I tell them me anxiety’s through the roof and can’t go out,”

“Or why don’t you just tell them the truth? That you’re being ran out of your home in the middle of the night because you can’t help yourself?”

“Do you wanna get out and fucking walk?”

The two fell to a silence but Rae could feel their burning stares radiating off one another. She looked up and saw Orla was now looking out the window; muttering under her breath. As was Finn. Rae watched as Finn leaned over into the boot, pulling out a shaggy but warm and fluffy blanket. He wrapped it around Rae and told her to get her head down as they had a long journey ahead.


	33. Chapter 33

“Rae… Come on, Rae, get up,”

Rae’s eyes fluttered open; she winced as she attempted to adjust to the light and her neck cramped from the awkward position she had fallen asleep in. The car was parked up in what appeared to be a service station and before her was Finn; mirrored sunglasses and messy hair. He sent her a crooked smile,

“Ah, sleeping beauty finally rises!”

“Where are we?” She groaned, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her mouth was dry and the car was now unbearably warm from the Spring sun - Rae now regretted throwing on her hoody and uggs. 

“We’ve stopped off at service station, just grabbing petrol and some bits. Thought I’d wake you in case you needed the toilet or anything,”

He came from out the car and leaned against the door; holding it open as he awaited for her to appear. She yawned and although her brain still foggy; she climbed out and was given a kiss. Rae looked around and saw a few scattered cars around the area and an empty motorway. You’d think there had been the big bang and an apocalypse. She now noticed that the car was in the garage and beside a petrol pump; noticing the other men and Orla scattered out as cars got filled and food got bought. 

Louie leaned against the 4x4 whilst George filled it and Orla stood by him; the two laughing about something or other. Kendo was stood by George and chewing his ear off. Orla was now changed into a loose t-shirt and some shorts. Rae watched the way Orla’s hand landed on Louie’s arm before playfully pushing him away. Exactly six seconds. That’s all it took for Rae to see the underlying spark between them both.

“You need a wee or anything?”

Rae looked at Finn, who was surprisingly bright considering. She nodded and spoke of needing a wee and a ribena. Finn was uncomfortable with her going into the main service station on her own and told Mitch to follow behind. He would have gone himself but didn’t want to push her so far. He wandered over to Orla and Louie, 

“How long now, Finn?” Orla whined, tired of her arse sticking to the leather seats,

“Not long, only got an hour to go then we’re there,”

“Where is there exactly?”

“That,” He said, bopping her on the nose, “Is none of your business.”  
Their tones were still tetchy; tensions brewing. She smacked his hand away but it only seemed to amuse him. Finn looked between his two friends then frowned at Orla’s shorts, she smacked his hand away again as he tugged at them,

“What are you doing, Finn?" 

"Trying to find the rest of these shorts.”

Louie laughed at this. Orla just scoweled at him, mocking the two’s laughter that the men now shared. Finn then told her to go wait in the car as he did not like the interaction between she and Louie - especially when she was wearing such small clothing. In a huff, she did what she was told. He waited for her to be by the car before he turned to the men and asked did anyone want anything from the garage. After taking everyone’s orders he made his way over and inside. The shop was small, a few refrigerated units at the back containing bottles of soft drinks. The products on the stands mainly consisted of sugary items, packets of crisps or the dwindling supply of dirty magazines; apparently everything you might need for a long car journey.

Finn collected all of the items requested and made his way to the counter,

“30 each on 4 and 2 and also twenty Marlboro lights please, mate,”

The gormless man behind the counter did all his bits. Finn heard the station bell ding and felt the hairs on the back of his neck raise as he felt the burning of eyes. He glanced briefly over his shoulder to see the back of a man scanning the drinks selection. He hovered his stare for a moment before turning back, grabbing his plastic bag and leaving the garage.

He passed out the first lot of items to the men before wandering over to Orla, who sat in the back with her legs out and the door open. He passed her, her magazine and lucozade before pulling out his own redbull and chucking the bag onto the passenger’s seat through the window. The click of the lid and fizzing coming from Finn’s redbull can was like music to his ears, he took a long gulp and felt a lot more stable as soon as the amber, cold liquid slid down his throat. 

He leaned against the car and watched as the mysterious man left the garage; heading for the main service station,

“Who’s that? Sure I saw him following us on the A1,”

He looked down at Orla before back up to the man, her words confirmation that he wasn’t being paranoid and something was off,

“Don’t be daft,” He said, not quite believing his own words. He felt the tension in his body melt as Rae and Mitch now wandered over. Finn leaned in and pulled out the remaining contents from the car, two drinks and another magazine for Rae - thinking ahead so the girls didn’t have to take turns into reading the one. Whilst everyone refueled themselves, Louie then called out,

“Let’s go, boys!”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————-  
They were in a place called Strathcarron, which Rae discovered was based in Scotland. Just like the house he had described in Ireland; this too was in the middle of nowhere. Literally. The nearest Co-op was a seven mile walk. The cottage they stayed in was something called New Lodge and had seven bedrooms; one a master’s, two doubles, two twin and two family rooms. Three bathrooms; one an en suite. There was a pool room which was a simply superb space filled with delights like snooker and pool tables, table tennis, roulette, table football as well as a 58" flat screen TV with surround sound, a bar, a leather couch and a large wood burner. The living room and kitchen were both long in length and width and airy; running along the theme of grapes and wine with a touch of modern. 

The large country holiday house was set on open land, seclusion along with outstanding views to the sea and the mountains behind, all to be enjoyed from either of the two patios with garden furniture which the gang could not wait to take advantage of.

The gang wandered into the living room; Finn mumbled something or other for the girls to stay there whilst he packed the stuff away and sorted bits with Louie - along with telling Mitch to keep them company. Finn, Louie, Kendo and George left and the two girls looked at each other - eyes asking each other what to do next. 

“Right,” Orla said, eyes wandering the room for the spark of an idea, “I’ll find a blanket and you find some DVDs,”

She left and Rae was alone with Mitch. Mitch was his usual quiet self, reserved. As much as Rae liked him she knew she was nothing more than a job to him. Or so she thought. She frowned when she watched him place his big bag upon the table; unzipping it,

“Do you like Benidorm?”

“The place?”

“No,” Mitch said, a brief laugh coming from his parted smile, “The show, I bought it with me. The boxset and I’ve got a pack of cards?”

She smiled at this and nodded, “Alright, well we’ll play black jack and then wait for Orla and put it on?”

He accepted this. He pulled out the pack of cards whilst Rae moved over and sat on the chair opposite his at the table. He placed his bag on the floor, then sitting himself down before dealing out the cards. They passed conversation, small talk about the weather and the journey. The game came to an abrupt halt as Finn waltzed in,

“Mitch? What are you doing? I told you to look after her, not play cards,” His eyes were cold and his lips were in a thin grimace.

“Sorry, boss, I jus-”

“If you’re not gonna do your job properly then you can come and help me and Louie,”

Rae went to intervene when Mitch threw her a look. Her mouth instantly closing and her shoulders slumping in defeat. Finn watched Mitch rise from his seat and leave. He turned to Rae and his look matched her’s, both full of disapproval at one another’s actions,

“Rae, I told you. Mitch isn’t here to be your friend, he’s here because I pay him to be,”

“Whatever.”

Her tone was curt, as was her folding her arms and looking out of the window in a huff. Finn said nothing further; just eyed her curiously before turning and leaving Rae alone. He would have liked to have sit, play cards and just enjoy Scotland in general with her. But this wasn’t a holiday and he needed Rae to see that she needed to be on guard at all times - not sit around and play silly games with his workers. He also did not like Rae and Mitch’s sudden found friendship; their smiles and Mitch always being the first to volunteer to keep an eye on Rae did not go amiss. Mitch was not there for a friendship, he was there for a job. The men he knew were going soft, compared to way back when and he knew it was because of Rae. You only ever come across a person like Rae once every life time, someone that you know that makes their mark on their world just because they are them. Before Rae, Mitch was one of the toughest and cruelest men - now he was nothing more than a gentle giant in the presence of Rae. The same with Finn. Before Rae, Finn didn’t care. He had zero remorse for whatever emotional damage he would cause and he wasn’t afraid to step on any toes; now he was a softie. He was unsure of what Rae did or say to make them like this; but it sure as hell wasn’t fairy dust.   
—————————————————————————————————————————————  
Rae woken with a jolt. Her breathing was heavy and the unfamiliar surroundings didn’t exactly calm her nerves. She had, had a nightmare about a man with no face dragging her by the hair in to the woods. She frowned and asked in a sleepy grumble,

“Finn?”

The dark figure was sat in the corner of the airy room in the armchair, the shine of the whisky glass prominent under the blue glow of the moon - the amber glistening as it sloshed around. Now she came more to; his face was more apparent under the moonlight. 

“What was your dream about?”

He was drunk. His tones were noticeably slurred. She told him briefly what she had dreamed about. He said nothing about it, just told her to go back asleep as she was safe. She didn’t exactly feel it. She brushed it off and told him she was too awake. He accepted this and said nothing further; just drank his drink. Rae now looked around the room and even underneath the dark glow of the only source of light that shone outside could Rae see just how wonderful the room really was.

The room her and Finn currently stayed in was the master’s. The wall paper was of a cream colour with off white swirled patterns running along it. The bed was a double with mountains of pillows that felt like a dream - either side had hand carved bedside tables. Two lamps accompanied them. Along the matching cream, hand woven carpet was a Persian rug that lay at the foot of the bed - _which cost a quarter of a mill_ Finn told Rae. There was a desk that matched both the bed frame and bedside tables which a mirror hung above. To the right of the room where Finn sat on the armchair was two large and spaced french windows that gave you a picturesque view of the area. 

Finn downed his glass and Rae could hear him hiss at the taste. His quiet behaviour unnerved her. He rose out of his seat and approached Rae’s side of the bed. He placed the glass on the table and Rae tucked her legs out of the way as Finn took a place upon the bed - His eyes glossy and his mouth droopy. 

“What’s going on, Finn?”

He brows lazily knitted together as he hiccuped a ‘What?’

“Why are we even here?”

“This again,” A roll of his eyes followed before he scoffed, “Fucking hell, can’t you just enjoy the bastard holiday and be grateful for once?”

She knew it was the alcohol talking but her pride could not help but feel a little wounded. She apologised, not putting her heart into it and it coming out more cold than truthful. He could see it was forced and his eyes narrowed into two dark slits, but a smirk danced along his lips. A sloppy hand was raised and Rae winced as it harshly grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at him. He let out a low and deep chuckle before he shook his head,

“Still scared of me ay?”

He yanked his hand back and Rae lowered her gaze, she whimpered, 

“Only when you’re drunk,”

“Am not drunk, am merry,” He flashed her a smile before it then abruptly dropped as she spat,

“No, you’re rat arsed and behaving like a dickhead," 

He scoffed, shaking his head before muttering a 'Whatever’ He then rose out of his seat and cringed at himself when he saw Rae flinch out of his perpetual vision. He pulled his t-shirt over his head in one swift movement. He unbuckled his jeans and they dropped to the floor with a heavy thud. He kicked them to one side and then sat back down on the bed, only this time he was facing away from her - his side profile only in view. He was sobering up suddenly,

"Am sorry, Rae, it’s just been a stressful few days,”

“I know and I’m trying to be patient, I really am. But you keep hiding things from me an-and getting drunk and doing all these things and I just-” She stopped herself. Unable to find the right words. Her mind suddenly blank.  
“I know,” He sighed darkly before then looking at her, “I know, Rae, and I can’t even begin to say how much I appreciate you it’s just I’ve been so used to being secret and hiding and lying and so to all of a sudden have to think of somebody else, tell somebody else… It’s different, I am trying. I know I keep saying it but I am. I’ve never felt about somebody like this before and now I’ve brought you into my world, I am terrified because of what could happen. I am so frightened of anything happening to you. I mean," 

He looked away for a moment, his words coming out in soundless moving of the mouth as he attempted to work up the courage. He found it, it was hidden but he grasped it with his fingers and pulled it out as he looked at her,

"I love you, Rae. I fucking love you and I don’t care if you think that I’m lying o-or that I’m stupid cause it’s so early on but I know I do. I fucking can feel it and now I have to protect you a-and think of you and it’s so fucking scary because I’m trying to deal with these feelings along with putting you in bubble wrap,”

“You can’t protect me from everything,” Her words came out in a whisper, unable to move or breathe from the information that had been handed to her.

“I can try,”

The repeat of this from previous conversation had a whole new meaning. This wasn’t just about a hang nail or picking up shards of a broken vase - this was about her life. This was about him placing her hand over a fire and saying sorry whilst he did it. This was about her dancing with a fallen angel and then having to apologise to God for enjoying it. His hands began to shake and he rose out of his seat, crouching down as he retrieved his lighter and packet of cigarettes from his jeans. He stood up straight and pulled one out of the box, chucking the carton to the bedside table. His nose and eyes were faintly illuminated a red before back into darkness as he tossed his lighter aside and took a drag. He moved to the window and opened one of them, blowing the smoke outwards. 

“Do you want to save me half?”

He looked at her and was quzzical, “Since when did you smoke?”

“I don’t,”

Her words were playful and he breathed a laugh as he quipped,

“Has my confession of love suddenly made you need to smoke?”

“Something like that,”

Their joking tones softened the tension and Rae climbed out of bed, joining him by his side as he leaned his forearms against the window sill. He flicked the tip of the ash away, it getting caught up in the light breeze, before then taking another drag. Once it got to the halfway point Finn handed it over to Rae, he scooted over and gave her room as she mirrored his position - the window big enough for the two. 

“What happens now, Finn?” She asked, exhaling the smoke, “I know I’ve already asked but I mean what happens here and now?”

“We wait,” He said with a simple shrug. That’s all they could do. Wait. Rae finished the rest of the cigarette and flicked it outside. They stood at the window for a while and even though the chilly air nipped at her bare arms; Rae didn’t mind as the heat from Finn’s body kept her warm. Made the cold bearable.

There was a knock heard from behind them and the two turned, their backs now against the window sill. Finn called out and in popped Mitch, who apologised,

“Sorry, Finn, it’s just Louie needs it," 

Finn nodded, he moved forward and crouched down. He pulled out the black bag and stood up straight. He moved back to Rae and leaned in, pressing his lips against her ear and whispering that he would be back soon and that he loved her. He didn’t mind that she didn’t say it back as it wasn’t her time - if she were to say it back now it would be just her being polite. Meaningless, even. He left her be and Rae turned, taking back up the position of leaning her arms on the window sill. Her mind drifted and she wondered how her mum was, whether she had just finished her night shift and was on her way home. She wondered whether her mum was outside, having a cigarette and looking up at the same moon - it was comforting. To think that six hours away her mother was also looking up into the night sky. Probably not, but it was a nice thought. Kept her close and was a gentle reminder that Linda would always be there for her. She missed her mum and she felt guilty, Rae often sometimes would forget that as she was growing older; so was Linda.


	34. Chapter 34

Rae curled her fingers around her mug of tea tighter; sighing as the sound of a violent rain lashed against the window. An episode of The IT Crowd played lowly in the background. It was everybody but Finn who gathered in the living room - Finn had been absent a majority of the day. Constantly wandering in-n-out of rooms as he continually made phone calls.

He now appeared dressed and showered. Bright and fresh - the effects of a two hour light sleep nowhere in sight,

“Lou, are you’s ready?”

Louie nodded and everybody but George rose out of their seats - George had been placed on babysitting duty for the day. When Rae very first met George, she thought of him as nothing but an uncle figure for Finn. But when discovering he was the one who shot Irish Paul; there was a lot more to him than the wrinkles and his knowledge of random trivia. 

Finn wandered over to Rae, who was curled under a blanket with Orla as the two sat stretched out from one another, pulling out his wallet,

“George is gonna take you’s into town later, so you can pick up some clothes and that,”

He tossed her the money, gave her a brief kiss and left without another word. Rae watched him leave before turning to George, who rose out of his seat upon hearing the front door open and close,

“Am off for a nap, you two will be alright won’t ya’s?”

His black country accent thick within his words. The two nodded and with that, he too was now out of sight. Rae placed her empty mug on the coffee table and snuggled back into her seat; her attention on the show. Orla now sat up, grabbing the weed and such from the table. She cradled the beloved, old and tatty shoe box on her lap and began to build the creation. Rae had never seen so much weed before, not in the one place. To sweeten Orla up and to say sorry; Finn had bought her just touching on two Oz’s of weed - it currently piled up in buds inside a large zip lock bag on the table. Which made it appear they would be there for more than the two days originally planned and announced.

After Orla finished building and rolling, she lit up and took a drag. Her eyes growing hazy from the previous many-a-joint she had smoked - Rae too feeling in a day dream. They passed it back and forth, laughing in between at funny parts of the TV show. Once Orla stubbed it out and placed the ashtray on to the table, the sound of clattering came from the kitchen and the two girls looked at each other sharply - the paranoia from the drug in full effect. Orla swiped the tv remote and muted the television; the two on edge. 

After going to settle back down, another clatter was heard. It couldn’t be George as he’d come straight into the living room, announcing he was going into the kitchen; just so they wouldn’t be alarmed. As would the other men. Rae watched as Orla threw the couch throw back and climbed off of the couch, crouching down and pulling out a hand gun from underneath. As she rose upwards she flicked off the safety, looking up at Rae who whispered in bewilderment,

_“Where’s that come from?!”_

_“Finn always puts one under the couch,”_ Orla said nonchalantly, shrugging, _“He’s also put one on top of the fridge, each bathroom, bedroom, ecterea,”_

_“That’s a lot of guns,”_

_“There’s a lot of windows.”_

Orla placed a finger to her lips and flicked her head towards the closed kitchen door that was connected to the living room. Rae carefully rose and stepped behind Orla; following her quiet and light movement. Her lips grew dry and her heart began to thump. The two reached the kitchen door and Orla paused, pressing her ear against the door. Rae watched with frightened eyes; scenarios of the outcome flashing through her anxious mind. Orla heard a clatter and with that she wasted no time into flinging back the door - holding up the gun and her finger on the trigger.

Rae felt her heart collide with her ribs before settling on seeing the culprit,

“Chloe?”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————  
“Rae, she can’t be here!" 

Night time rolled around and Rae and Finn were in the privacy of the bedroom - the new arrival in one of the guest rooms. After nobody answered their phones or answered the door, a drenched Chloe had opted to climbing into an open window in the kitchen - getting stuck halfway and knocking over utensils as she tried to grab at something to help pull her in. Finn was not at all happy when seeing the girl sat on the couch. Why or how she got here was unknown, they had yet to ask. 

"I didn’t ask for her to be here, Finn! She just turned up!”

“No, she didn’t,” Off of Rae’s confused look, Finn sighed, “Kendo, the gobshite. He told her where we were in exchange for a shag,”

Rae mumbled a _fucks sake_. Kendo had been chasing Chloe for a while and it’s something she used to the full advantage. All Finn could think about was whether she had been followed or let slip on where they were. He was furious and admittedly frightened of anyone turning up and harming Rae or Orla. He truthfully couldn’t care less about Chloe at this moment in time. He had already had a stressful day, a lot of wires had been crossed and he had come to the conclusion everybody he worked with were idiots who couldn’t handle a simple job. And now he had come back to the house to see Chloe sat on the couch - he could feel the invisble wire of anger being wrapped tighter and tighter around his brain. Clouding his patience.

“Did you even go shopping today?”

“No,” Rae said with a sheepish grin, “Gonna go tomorrow instead, I’ve put some of my clothes in the washing machine,”

“Rae, why aren’t you more angry about this?”

He searched her eyes and his own narrowed into two slits,

“You’re fucking stoned, aren’t you?”

She attempted to stutter up somewhat of a denial and he cut her off by rising off of the bed side. He shook his head, as if his day couldn’t get anymore stressful,

“You know what? I have had one twat of a day and just wanna get in to bed,”

There was a knock to be heard and Finn told whoever to enter. In wandered Chloe and Finn’s straightening of the shoulder’s did not go amiss, he spoke of needing a drink before leaving. Chloe watched Finn leave before turning to Rae,

“Have I done something?”

“Why are you here, Chloe?”

Something shined in Chloe’s eye. She closed the door behind her and sat down beside Rae upon the bed,

“I was being followed,” Her voice was quiet, full of fright and warning, “There was a man, kept following me when I would leave my house for my morning run. It was only since Tuesday but when I heard through your mum Finn had took you away for the week, I knew something was up. So I asked Kendo where and borrowed my dad’s car,”

“Why would they even follow you?” Rae asked, unable to believe her friend,

“I don’t know but apparently it’s been happening to the rest of us,”

“Don’t say you’ve told them where we are,” Rae’s face fell, “Finn will go mad.”

“No!” Chloe said with a vigorous head shake, “No, I didn’t tell anyone anything. I’m not that stupid," 

 _Could’ve fooled me,_  Rae thought bitterly. A silence overcame them and Rae looked at Chloe, who now looked into her lap and at her fingers as she picked at her nails. There it was, that wedge. Rae felt no remorse or pity for her friend. Not like she usually would, past her would’ve threw her arms around Chloe and told her it would be ok. Past Rae would’ve missed the absent shine of tears and would’ve missed the faux stare of fright. 

"How are you and Finn?” Chloe asked with hopeful eyes.

“We’re fine,” The two girls looked to the now open door, Finn stood with a glass of his usual whiskey in his hand and his nostrils flared. They didn’t even hear the door open. He now tucked his free hand in his pocket as he cockily demanded,

“Couldn’t do us a favour, Chloe love and piss off?”

There was no light-hearted tones behind his words, no playful teasing in his eyes. Just blank. Chloe pleaded Rae silently for her to come to her defense but things were different, Finn was now the boss. Chloe accepted this and nodded, rising and leaving. Finn watched her, only his eyes moving. His body stood still and firm. His top lip twitched as he restrained himself from curling it. 

He stepped in to the room before closing the door and then approaching Rae. He downed his drink, then placing the empty glass onto the table,

“I’m just gonna get changed,”

Finn nodded at her as she rose. He sat down on the bed and watched as she pottered about; getting ready for bed. Once she was changed he held out his hands and beckoned her. She approached him and stood in between his legs, her fingers finding themselves wound within his hair. He dipped his head and his hands slipped to the back of her legs; an aggravated sigh vibrated from his throat,

“Sorry, Finn,”

He craned his head upwards, frowning at her whilst stating that it weren’t her fault. She wasn’t entirely convinced. He could see this. The corners of his lips curled upwards as he lowly asked, attempting to defuse the tension,

“You gonna get them knickers off or what then?”  
——————————————————————————————————————————————  
Orla took a drag of her cigarette. Her teeth gritted together as she attempted to stop herself from snapping at Chloe - who constantly whined about her hair. Another rainy day in Scotland but as Orla and Rae had next to no clothes; they forced themselves into going shopping. The town centre was quiet; the most expensive place there was the Topshop. Coffee and book shops scattered about the place; along with a New Look and Boots. It was a very small town and outdated - which Chloe whined about and said Glasgow would’ve been better. But they weren’t willing to travel four hours for some clothes when there was a perfectly good Topshop and New Look.

They had got everything they wanted and needed in under two hours; and with some money left over they decided to take solace in the nearest coffee shop,

“Costa coffee? More like a Costa-fucking fortune, the robbing bastards," 

George joked lowly to the girls. All but Chloe laughed at this, she just wanted to drink her drink and get back to the house. Warm soup and fresh pajamas on her mind. After telling George what they wanted and Rae handing over the last of the money; the three girls grabbed a table at the back. Rae and Orla snagging a couch and Chloe being stuck with one of the wooden chairs.

Orla and Rae gabbed between one another. Chloe just scrolled through her phone; ignoring that she were being left out. George eventually appeared with the full tray, placing it carefully down and passing out the coffees between them all. He said nothing when he sat down; just let his eyes wandered about whilst the girls discussed make up and what they had bought. 

Orla’s back straightened and she frowned at something outside. George followed her gaze and snapped his own back to her, she silently nodded at him - wanting not to alarm Rae and Chloe. George rose out of his seat, taking out his phone and making the call to Finn. Rae knew something was amiss but let it slide; continuing her conversation with Chloe. George eventually returned, his face grave and his words low and hurried,

"Girls, if you wanna come with me. Finn wants you back,”


	35. Chapter 35

He knew it wouldn’t be long before their whereabouts would have been sniffed out. Fucking Kendo and that big mouth. Finn was currently shoving his bits into his bag, shouting at Rae to hurry up. Rae hurried out from the bathroom, throwing her toothbrush and bathroom bits into her bag. Her new clothes now creased from being shoved in harshly. 

“Where are we going now, Finn?” Her words came out in breathless huffs as she rushed about.

“Nowhere. You’re going with George, by the way,”

“What?” She asked, stopping, “Why am I not going with you?”

“It’s too dangerous, now hurry up as we’ve got no time,”

“It won’t matter what cars we’re in as they’ll know them anyway,”

“Not if they’re different cars,”

She said nothing in response to this. Just continued on packing. They were done with record timing, the place upside down from the sudden rush. Finn grabbed her bag off her, shrugging his own onto his shoulder and taking her hand in his empty one. She was tugged out and down the stairs; where the men rushed about and the girls were nowhere in sight - already in the car. Before Finn even reached the bottom step; he chucked Rae’s bag to George - who left through the open door and over to the car boot.

He led Rae outside and over to the blacked out, unrecognizable car - turns out it was Chloe’s dad’s car. He opened the passenger’s side door for her and pushed her in gently - eyes surveying the area. She looked in the back to see a frightened Chloe and a furious Orla. George shut the boot and moved round, climbing in and shutting his door. Rae turned from them to Finn,

“Finn, wha-”

“You’re gonna be alright, Rae, I’ll see you’s there,” He gave her a kiss before lowly stating that he loved her. He moved back and slammed the door, Rae watched from the window as he now moved to inside the house. It growing smaller as the car reversed from the drive and onto the road. 

She said nothing during the start of the journey. Nothing but mountains and the glimmer of lakes surrounding her, nothing that could be used as a conversation starter anyway. She put on her seat belt upon feeling the speed George chose to drove in; it accelerating her heartbeat and her nerves shifted into anxiety overdrive as the fear of what was to come overcame her. Her mind unable to concentrate on anything. She heard the flick of paper and she glanced in the rear view mirror to see Chloe reading a magazine and Orla on her phone; fingers furiously typing. Rae’s eyes returned to the road and her mind drifted onto where they would be going and more importantly why. It had been something to do with the coffee shop and when she heard Orla and George lowly discuss something on the trip back from town earlier on - they were being followed. Making her feel bitter towards Chloe; feeling the need to blame someone.

Orla’s phone rang out. Everyone jumping and their nerves becoming jittered once more,

“Hello? Finn I- Right… Ok… Yeah, I’ve got it… Yeah, I’ll let him know. Ok,”

She hung up and leaned forward, whispering something in George’s ear. Chloe glanced briefly from her magazine and Rae, from the road. As Orla sat back, Chloe and Rae’s eyes fell to the rareview mirror - both glancing at one another before Chloe went back to her reading and Rae went back to the passing surroundings.  
—————————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Rae was surprised when they pulled down the long but narrow street. Houses all attached and lined up on either side. Aside from the odd car scattered about, the road was empty. Rae yawned and stretched before she looked around, frowning,

“Where are we?” Her throat felt scratchy when she spoke, she could feel a sore throat and cold coming on.

“Manchester,” George grumbled before his eyes landed on the car that had just pulled up ahead of them. He climbed out, telling the girls to wait before closing his door and approaching the other car. Rae recognised that as she looked up to see the street name on the side of the end house - it was Finn’s mum’s they had came to. She was only two hours from Stamford and it made her homesick.

The three girls watched from the car as the remaining men of their gang climbed out of the other blacked out vehicle. The lack of Finn’s car and Kendo’s made Rae wonder how they would get them back. Rae’s eyes followed Finn as he moved past her and up the steps of a home. He knocked and his mother soon answered, Rae could see and faintly hear of Jane’s disapproving tones. Finn disappeared inside for a while before he popped his head back out and he whistled at the men before disappearing again. The men did as obeyed, starting the unpacking of the car and moving the stuff inside,  
“Bloody ridiculous this, how long are supposed to wait in here?” Chloe asked.

“Till they say,” Orla said, annoyance nipped at her tone.

The tensions of a long car journey and Chloe’s irritating voice started to brew and bubble. Rae exhaled as she watched the ongoing scenes outside, she had to wonder too. How long were they going to be kept like dogs in a warm car? A window hadn’t even been cracked, the heat not exactly keeping them all calm. Rae was beginning to become irritated, the sudden having to be on the move becoming repetitive and boring. This wasn’t exactly what she had in mind when she said she wanted to travel that year, she thought when Finn said they would be on the move for business and such that he’d be taking her places like Amsterdam and the Maldives - not dreary Scotland or a quiet street in Manchester. They were eventually collected by Finn from the car, led inside and the house was a lot larger than what it appeared on the out. It all very white and French. 

The living room was equipped with two white and square fabric couches, one long and one a love seat, various throw pillows the colour of stone grey and sand lined up neatly upon either one - an off white throw with bobbles around the edges on the longest of the two. A round, metallic coffee table sat in the middle with a long, glass vase with a bouquet of various tropical flowers - a newspaper and cold cup of coffee accompanying it. Behind the longer couch sat two long, open windows - which a picture of a younger Finn and Claudia sat; a day old Maisie cradled in their delicate arms. Underneath the other window was a plant in a white, porcelain round pot that was an engraved with patterns. Another long and sturdy plant with a thick branch sat in a matching pot in the corner and various paintings hung proudly around the room. A marble mantle place stood forward; it absent of a fire and a mirror. Various shades of brown ran through the woolly rug upon the floor and the shine of the brand new television glimmered. Boxes remained unpacked and the stairs awaited for the carpet to be put down - a thin strip ran through the middle of them as a substitute. It looked very bare.

“Rae, Maisie’s upstairs. Why don’t you go say hello,” Jane forced a smile after her words. Finn went to follow when Jane pointed a finger at him, “You, get in that kitchen. And the rest of you rug rats,” The two other girls, Rae now upstairs, went to follow out when Jane told them to stay put as she only meant the men; offering a cup of tea whilst they waited. After the girls declined Jane then closed the door to the kitchen and Chloe and Orla shared a look.  
———————————————————————————————————————————————-  
After learning all the names of Maisie’s sims, Rae walked through to the guest room where Finn was currently on the phone. The two other girls had the other guest room and the rest of the men were still currently bickering in the living room over who got what couch and what unlucky sod was stuck with the floor.  
Rae sat on the divan bed; playing with the freshly washed black and white flower cover. Aside from the random sheet of black and white pin-striped wallpaper at the head of the bed; the rest of the room was white. White window frames, walls, picture frames. There were two long and spaced apart windows - opening up the room. A rail was a makeshift wardrobe as the real thing was yet to arrive. Three weeks Jane had lived there and already Finn was running amock. In the corner of the room was an armchair, white fabric. It left bare of any pillows or blankets. There was just one plant on one of the windowsills; random books leaning against it for decoration. 

Once Finn hung up, Rae then asked,

“Who was that?”

“Someone,” He told her, now typing away on his keyboard,

“When can we go home, Finn?”

He didn’t glance up when he told her soon and Rae was tired. Tired of the maybe’s and soon’s, she wanted to know the when and now’s. She was tired of these games, frightened of the uncertainty. She just wanted her old care bear throw and her mum,  

“Yeah, but when?”

“I don’t know, Rae! Will you just let me text?!”

Rae wasn’t sure what made her snap. The sheer exhaustion, the unknown that continually swept the rug right from under them but she let out a sudden sob. Alarming him. He locked his phone and sat down beside her,

“Ay, what’s the matter?”

“You! You keep shouting at me,” Sniff, “And not telling me anything. All I want to know is why we’re here and how long,”

“Rae, I’ve told you. I don’t know how long and how can I tell you something I don’t know!”

He too was exhausted. Fed up just as much as she and her relentless asking didn’t exactly help.

“Then tell me why, at least,” He huffed, looking away in which she now begged as she was desperate, “ _Please_.”

His eyes flickered, searching her face. He was unsure of whether he could as he wasn’t sure whether he could take the telling off he would receive if he did. He sighed before turning away, he hated to see her cry,

“Alright, fine, you wanna know. Louie has stolen just touching under fifty grand’s worth of coke from someone who’s very dangerous. You don’t know him and I’m gonna make sure you never do know him,”

“Why don’t you just give it back?”

Finn’s hard stare faltered and softened into something along the lines of amusement, her innocence always a surprise to him,

“If it was that easy, Rae, mafias and stuff would’ve died down years ago,”

Her cheeks were flushed, embarrassed at her own naivety once again. She looked down for her chin only to be tilted back up as Finn demanded eye contact,

“But, I’m also gonna make sure that nothing happens to you. That, I can promise,”

“Is this gonna go on forever?”

His hand fell from her chin and he turned away once again. That he did not know, his silence answering for him. Will the current of what was happening go on forever? No. But would Finn continue doing what he did forever and this becoming a regular? That, he was unsure of. Rae watched him rise and asked where he was off - he didn’t answer. Just told her to get ready as they were going the local for a well earned drink, just as he stepped out the door Rae called out, 

“Why can’t you ever just talk to me properly?!”

She sighed darkly, unable to comprehend exactly how skew-if the day had gone. It was strange, being in this new foreign world. A year ago; nobody would glance her way and now she had found her God. Found him in the form of her lover, lips as sweet as tangerines and with hands so skilled they make her shake. But this same God had eyes so cold they made her shiver. This God was forcing her to pray and preach from the Forbidden bible.   
———————————————————————————————————————————————–  
The pub was a five minute walk; felt longer in the bitter wind. Their cheeks were pink and their noses red. It was an old Irish bar that Finn and the family used to go when they would come and visit his aunt - sister of his dad. An Irish folk band currently manned the stage and the gang including his mum and sister occupied a booth that had a clear view of the stage. Maisie sat upon Finn’s lap, bobbing up and down as his legs tapped to the beat. He cradled one arm around her stomach whilst his other grabbed his pint; it going down like water.

All tensions fizzled away like the bubbles in their drinks. Their shoulders were relaxed and their postures became lazy as time passed. Finn leaned to the side and pressed his lips to Rae’s ear as he whispered sweet but vulgar drunken mumbling’s in her ear. He pulled away and smoothly winked before turning back and watching the act on the stage. He passed a glance at Chloe, who stared at him with glossy eyes. Orla caught it, it went amiss to the rest’s untrained eyes. She watched as the two slowly pulled their stares away from one another, Finn’s was underlined with hate and Chloe’s was something of longing and wanting. It made Orla curious.

The sudden abrupt halt of the music and the falter of voices - the pub suddenly in a silence -alerted the table and their eyes all wandered to the pub doors as a voice spoke,

“Ah, Louie, been lookin’ for you.”


	36. Chapter 36

Death, it’s a weird thing - a time in your life where it can either make you or break you. A time where in the darkest hours of the day suck you into a void of emotion, a time where your mind can become your strong and powerful protector or your worst enemy. Death, we all fear it and we live in that very same fear every day. We do all we can to avoid it, such as look both ways of the road, make sure all candles are blown out before bed time, etc. Some believe that there is a book of life and death and within that book it is written when you are born and when you are to die - others believe that death is death and a part of life’s circle. Death can do weird things to you, your mind can create the most sinister of thoughts that cause you to lose that extra hour of sleep. It controls you, when someone close passes, they’re all you can think about every moment you get the chance - it heightens your senses and even the question of ‘How are you?’ Can cause you to become a quivering mess. Losing someone close is a feeling that cannot be described, you always convince yourself there’s not a pain like it and there won’t ever be again - until an even closer relative/friend/etc. Passes. 

Black is all could Rae see… Black pants, black pants and dresses and a black cloud that hung heavily above the grieving mass of people. Her eyes wandered over to a particular woman, a toddler on her hip and her hand tightly on a little boy’s shoulder - the little boy no older than eight. Rae felt a hand squeeze her shoulder in which she pulled away her stare away from the grieving young mother and her eyes latched onto a solemn Chloe; who lowly and gently spoke,

“C'mon, we’re going back the pub for the wake,”

Rae gave a nod before turning her stare to Finn, who’s head was bowed as he stared at the grave. She burned her eyes into the side of his head, but he didn’t flinch. He didn’t flinch when everybody had left. He didn’t flinch when it began to rain. And he didn’t flinch when she asked,

“Are you coming, Finn?”

He hadn’t been the same in the two weeks they had been back in Stamford. That night in the pub the man who Louie had stole off of turned up with his own men, it resulted in guns being drawn and a bullet carving a hole in Mitch’s chest. After a long night in the hospital and various phone calls; they were back in Stamford. Finn blamed himself and he was becoming obsessed, overcome by the grief - fixated on getting revenge. He spent all his time planning, his phone constantly glued to his ear. His plates were always left full and his bed was rarely now slept in. Dark times lay ahead for them all. Rae wanted to tell him to come with her, persist, but after seeing what he was capable of, after seeing him with blood dripping down his face and after seeing the different ways he could hurt someone; she just let him sit, 

“You know, he’d just finally won custody over the kids," 

Rae looked up from picking her nails and at Finn, he was more speaking at her than to her,

"And now they’ve gotta live without a dad," 

His eyes shined as he became distant, the darkening of his eyes made Rae miss the ghost that were his brown. She just wanted to cuddle him, tell him it was ok to cry. But every time she did anything remotely profound; he’d pull away. She was surprised when he rose out of his seat, tugging her up by her hand and dragging her towards his car - he’d collected it along with Kendo who grabbed his the previous week when he was in a more stable frame of mind. Rae climbed in, as did he and the two said nothing as it was put into drive. Rae’s eyes fell to the open grave once more, her heart sinking as she saw Mitch was now alone. And that’s how he was now going to be, a memory and a box.  
——————————————————————————————————————————————–  
"Lovely service, wasn’t it?” Rae overheard from a table behind her. She hated when people would say that at funerals, it wasn’t a wedding or a Christening - fair enough it was polite but she still didn’t like it. She always wondered why people would to say it; to pass time? To make up small talk? She didn’t know. She just knew she hated it. 

It was now just touching on eight and the sun was beginning to set, coating a warm glow over the town. Drunken family members of Mitch’s sung an old tune whilst their drinks sloshed on to The Vault’s floor. Rae scanned the room, all but Finn were there. He had been gone a while now and the realisation he’d left to do something stupid settled in vastly. 

Unable to sit around any longer, she excused herself - not speaking of where she was going or when she’d be back. She took no time into leaving the wake and heading straight for the block of apartments, the cool air nipping at her skin. She made it in to the flat in record timing. She bustled in, using her key, closing the door behind her. She was greeted by a dimly lit flat, the only source of light coming through the middle door and from the flashes of the tv within the living room but nothing other than that. She then called out in a huff,

“Finn!?" 

Her eyes glowered into hard slits as she rushed into the living room, and that’s where she found him - sat on the couch and playing with a half-empty scotch glass. His face was neutral but his unshed tears glistened under the bright light of the television. Relief washed over her and her shoulders dropped into a relaxed manner. 

He sensed her presence but didn’t look at her, instead he stayed still. His face contorted and he let out a sniff, his cheeks were tear-stained and his nose, along with his eyes, stung and were tender whenever he would rub his sleeve upon his face to wipe away excess snot and tears - feeling rather heavy also, similar to when he would get hayfever in the summer. Rae then gently breathed out, 

"Finn”,

A moment passed before Finn let out a sniff, he cleared his throat and spoke; but still never looked at her, 

“What you doin’ here?" 

"Came to see if you were alright,”

She spoke timidly, unsure of which Finn she would get. 

“How did you know I was here?”

“I didn’t.”

He said nothing for a moment, eyeing his glass before he spat,

“Can you do me a favour, Rae?”

“Anything.”

“Lock the door on your way out,”

Although it was expected, his spiteful tone was still a surprise - but then again what _was_ she expecting? Although Rae knew Finn was best to be left alone, she couldn’t help but let her caring side make the decisions for her - she knew she couldn’t leave him. A silence overcame the pair, Rae couldn’t find the words and every time a sentence would actually form within her brain; her tongue would suddenly feel swollen and like a muscle block that would stop all forms of the alphabet from being spoken - since when was she “The blob with a gob” So quiet? Since when was she so terrible with words? She then broke the silence by simply stating,

“Don’t be like this, Finn,”

“Like what? All I’ve asked is for you to leave me alone,”

“Am your girlfriend. Am here for you, why can’t you just let me help you?”

Her hands began to fist at the thin straps of her shoulder bag. She cowered as she awaited for him to combust into the fiery depths of his grieving anger. But he didn’t, he just downed his drink. He reached over and swiped at the bottle; pouring himself another. Rae flinched as he slammed the bottle down, downing his drink in one swift go. He then looked at her,

“Are you gonna sit down or what?”

She wanted to tell him the 'What’ As a joke. But it wouldn’t go down well. She moved to the couch and sat down, carefully placing herself away from him. She was expecting him to try and fuck his emotions away - fully preparing herself to push him off. She was expecting maybe him to throw his glass his fingers gripped so tightly at the wall. She was expecting fireworks and thunder. She was alarmed when he let out a choked sob, whimperings and sniffs. She took the glass gently off him, placing it on the table,

“It’s all my fault,” Came from his trembling lips.

“Finn, it’s nobodies fault. You can’t blame yourself,”

“But if I’d just said no to Louie then maybe Mitch would still be here,”

“You can’t live in the ifs and maybes,” She spoke, rubbing his back as she repeated the words of her therapist, “Maybe this is a sign that you need to pack all this in,”

“It’s not that simple,” He choked out, rubbing his nose harshly with his sleeve as he pulled away from her touch. 

“It can be, if you make it,”

He let out another choked sob and his breathing came out in short, erratic patterns. He was struggling to hold in any air. He began to become agitated and Rae could see what was going to happen. She attempted to calm him, telling him he was working himself up. He was desperate for air, loosening his tie in frantic movements. Rae rubbed his back, telling him to breath slowly. But the walls were closing in and his chest was aching. He hunched over and although Rae knew that was the worst thing he could do; it cutting your air supply down even more. She left him to do it, her hand gently swaying up and down his back in a soothing manner. Between the sobs and his struggle for air; Rae could feel her own tears threaten to fall as she so desperately felt for him. She needed him to be ok,

“It’ll be alright, Finn,” She cooed, her voice wavered as she tried to speak over his sobs, “You’re gonna be alright,” But the blood sloshed in his ears and his cries cancelled out her calming words. He didn’t want this pain anymore; losing another of his own a burden too big to bare. He couldn’t take the feeling of the guilt weigh heavily on his shoulders anymore. He would’ve thought by now he’d be used to this, this death of someone within his gang. In honesty he always thought it’d be him to go first, but that’s the thing about having nine lives; everyone has to go first.   
————————————————————————————————————————————-

“How are you feeling today, Finn?”

It was now Wednesday and after missing two sessions - he was finally back at therapy. The room was formal and it always made him feel on edge - it being not exactly the most welcoming room. The therapist, Madge, a forty-something with a badly cut bob; eyed him from the half-moon spectacles that were perched on the bridge of her nose. 

“Alright,” He told her, no insight into how he really was feeling. Madge was beginning to grow tired of his hostile behaviour and it showed as she stated,

“Finn, I can’t help you if you won’t speak. This is a six week, intense course. Two of the weeks you’ve missed which sets us back a lot,”

“Then why are you bothering? Because you won’t get paid?” He tested, his eyes shining with amusement and excitement upon seeing how far he could push her. She sighed at this, eyeing him from her lashes before she looked down at her clipboard; scribbling something down. He twitched. He didn’t like when she wrote things down; he shifted in his seat and he hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees,

“You wanna know how I feel?” Off her look, he continued, “Alright, I feel like whenever I speak of how I feel I’m a burden. I’m scared that when I do actually speak, people will turn round and start the whole speech of how people have it worse off. I wake up every morning, scared of how the day is gonna go and I feel like getting home and going to bed is my biggest achievement of the day.”  
He looked up at her finally and saw she wore nothing other than a blank face. 

She glanced from him down to the clipboard, scribbling something down which he snapped at,

“What are you writing now?”

“Just some notes,” She said as she didn’t look up, “Nothing to worry about.”  
He had just finally confessed of something he had buried a long time and yet all he got was the sound of a pen. He felt his fingers twitch. He ran a rushed hand through his hair before it came back down, his elbow taking it’s place back on to his knee. He eyed Madge, the years of dealing with people like him taking it’s toll in the form of premature grey and deep lining of her forehead. She was once pretty, many moons ago. Two little pea-sized holes for eyes and a sour expression always grimacing her lips into a thin line. When Rae had told Finn of her old therapist, that’s what he was expecting. Not Madge. Her name was the only amusing thing about her as when you’d swap two of the letters; you could rename her the nickname of a female gentile. 

She looked up at him and his sudden sniggering came to a halt before she looked down, continuing to write. What else could she possibly need to note? He had barely spoken a word since he had gotten there. He did want to speak, tell her what was troubling him. He wanted to speak of the funeral - it had been five days since it passed. Five days. He gave her a once over, frowning,

“Have you got mental health problems?”

“No,” She said with a simple shrug.

“Right,” He said with a curt nod, “So why should I sit here and listen to you, someone who has learnt from a text book? You haven’t experienced it, you don’t get it. So, tell me. Why should I listen to you?”

She was at a loss for words, it showing as her mouth moved up and down but nothing came out. She was rendered speechless. He smirked, nodding,

“That’s what I thought.”


	37. Chapter 37

__

_“Rae! Grab my jacket,” Finn’s fingers swiped the jacket from Rae’s trembling ones. He looked down at his friend and all he could see was scarlet as it splurted - some of it splashing onto his face. He could hear screams but he was unsure of where they came from; all he could focus on was stopping the blood. Why was there so much of it, why was it a river and not a puddle? Where was it coming from? He pressed the jacket down on the wound harder, begging to God, not asking but begging from the depths of his soul. He looked up at Mitch and saw the light fade in his eyes._

Finn shot up from his sleep; frightened screams coming from his lips. Rae shot up and saw him, hunched over and gripping at his hair as he tried to calm himself. Sweat glistened under the prominent light of the moon that poured through the open window, it engulfing the room in a blue glow. That would explain why the blood felt so real in his nightmare. Not caring about the sweat on his back, Rae rubbed and soothed him with her hand and calming words.  
Rae pulled him into her chest, helping him breathe again,

“Did you dream about it again?”

All he could do was nod. He was simply too exhausted to say yes. He was tired, tired of being frightened. His grieving was suffocating him, cloaking him and his mind in constant darkness. Who was he becoming?  He felt like ever since the funeral and his return to Stamford, he could feel himself sinking into this depressed, agoraphobic state - the grief making him not want to face anybody. Not face those soft stares and head-tilts, followed by the ‘How are you…?’ He always received when he did actually leave the house. The guilt of knowing he was the reason why Mitch was now in that box. 

_God, Mitch._

He could feel his chest become tight once more and he ached to let out the strangled cry he was holding back. The screams from his sleep were so loud that now even Orla had came in; the worried shine brimming her eyes transcending into sadness. She crouched down on the bed and sat herself down; watching as Finn stared at the wall - distressed and vacant. His chest rose and fell heavily. The girls looked at one another, unsure of what to do but they knew it couldn’t go on like this. Where to start? 

“Finn?”

Orla reached out a hand to touch his leg but he flinched, coming too. She pulled back her hand and softly said,

“It’s ok, it’s only me.”

_“Get out,”_

She was taken aback by this. She sat back and frowned, “What?”

“I said get out.”

Orla looked at Rae, who looked at her. Helpless. Finn’s brow furrowed and his nostrils flared. Rae felt him shook under her hold and told Orla gently that maybe it was best she left. She did leave but begrudgingly; this showing by the slamming of the door. Rae then looked down at her boyfriend, him still shaking. He had become nothing but a mess and Rae wondered if post-traumatic stress could be added to his list. What Rae couldn’t understand was why he was becoming so… The way he was. He had seen many a shootings; many people close to him be killed in a crossfire. Was it the guilt? The winding down and allowing himself to be emotionally vulnerable, meaning suppressing all the feelings of watching past murders catch up with him all at once? 

“What is wrong with me, Rae?”

She looked down at him and could now see that glaring glint of hatred he displayed moments ago was gone. The having to keep up with the continually switch in his moods and personality made her head and heart ache. This wasn’t about seeing her boyfriend in pain, but her best friend and what kind of friend was she if she couldn’t fix him? But she hated that side about herself, trying to constantly fix others in places she could not fix herself.  
Rae flinched when he rose out of bed and began searching his wardrobe for fresh clothes, she asked where he was going but he said nothing. Like always. Just threw on some jeans and a t-shirt, shoes and all that. 

“Finn, please come back to bed.”

“I’ll be back soon,”

Just as he went to leave Rae shot out of bed, her hand clasped around one of his wrists in a desperate attempt to bring him back. She gasped, cowering backwards as he yanked his hand away; raising the back of it slightly as he spat lowly, warning her,

_“Dont. Fucking. Touch me,”_

She had seen him look at her this way now thrice. That stare, seeing straight through her. It was the only times she had ever been truly scared of him, scared of what he was capable of. Would he have striked her if she had pushed him further, would he have not remembered it? Would he regret it? So many questions and so little time as he was soon gone. She wanted to push him as her mother used to always say if you want to see the real person, get them angry. Hear what they speak when they’re consumed by the red mist. Get them drunk as you’ll hear the truth that they can’t say when they’re sober. Make them sad, so you’ll know what to expect. Now, Rae had seen him during these times but never heard him. She just wanted to ask him what should she do now, but how could he tell her what to do when he didn’t even know what to do himself?  
———————————————————————————————————————————————-  
He knocked back the clear liquid, this being his fourth. There was a radius clear around him of sober people, the drunks didn’t seem to care. Perks of being the club owner was free drinks all night and he was planning to drink the bar dry. He asked for another and it was placed in front him; it going down as easy as cough medicine. He cringed, holding his arm to his mouth as he restrained himself from gagging. 

Finn slammed the glass down before then putting his head in his hands as he let out a groan, he lowered them as if he were praying as the barman asked,

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Finn eyed him before he bitterly laughed and warned him, telling him to go away. The barman did what he was told and made himself scarce. Finn stared down at the bar top, unable to look at anything but his empty glass. He didn’t know what was happening to him. He looked into the shot as if it had all the answers, a makeshift crystal ball. It was a scary thing, being unable to know yourself. But did anybody truly know their own mind? For somebody who needed to be in control all the time; Finn was letting his mind get away with a lot - the time. What day it was. And everything in between. His feelings were running amock within himself too, he felt naked and the clothes were being continually pulled from his fingertips. Maybe Rae was right, maybe this was the wake up call he needed. 

He looked up from the bar and into the mirror that hung up behind the many rows of bottles. His skin was like chalk, purple shadows resembled two bruises underneath his eyes from the lack of sleep - the yellow tint from the previous beating weeks back just fading. He didn’t recognise himself or know when he had let himself become this ghost. He lowered his eyes in shame, he had never met an enemy as cruel as his own mind. 

Finn felt a hand on his back and he ignored it, 

“Do you want a drink, handsome?”

“Got one,” He said, in referral to his empty drink, “Thanks anyway.”

The glass met the bar top none too gently. It being painfully clear he wanted to be left alone but she was going to hound him, goad him with unwanted offers. _Let’s hear you roar._

He finally looked at the woman and knew her from previous passing of friends, well so he would tell Rae if he were to get caught. Truthfully this was the woman who he had lost his virginity to, also the woman who taught him that special tongue trick.

Angie was her name. A her nickname, it as red as the scarlet letter. Angie had a narrow, oblong face with angular cheekbones and a pointed chin. Her slit-like eyes were a clouded hazel, and her thinly plucked eyebrows were shaped into a deceivingly perfect arch that followed the slight curve of her eye. A long nose hooked over continually pursed lips, which were painted a bright red in an unsuccessful effort to mask their natural thinness. Bleached blonde hair, made thin from too many years of hair dye, hung straight down into an angular cut at her jaw. The sharp features of Angie’s face were merely a reflection of her entire body structure, and everything—from her skeletal arms to her paper-thin waist —screamed of unnatural skinniness. She walked in long strides, her shoulders back and face held forward, wearing tall stiletto heels and a bold leopard-print mini-dress.

“Ang? Where did you come from?” A smile illuminated his face upon seeing the old flame. Even Rae couldn’t have sparked that fire in his eyes in that current moment. 

“Never you mind,” She gave him a minxy once over, practically purring.

“Well you best go before Louie sees you,”

She tutted, “I gave birth to him, Finn, he doesn’t scare me. If it comes out my fanny then it’s not worth fussing over,”

Finn breathed a laugh, if it were one of his female friends or Rae then he would cringe but as this was Angie and expected - he let it pass. He felt his smile drop and the empty glass a sudden toy as Angie asked,

“Heard about Mitch,” She waited a moment before continuing, “How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

“Seems it whilst you’re sitting here alone, where’s your girlfriend?” She asked, glancing around before back to him. He shrugged at this, truthfully declaring,

“Fuck knows,” He then frowned, looking at her, “How did you know about Rae?”

“Charlie told me.”

“Oh,” He said, still frowning as he turned away and continued to keep himself in deep thought, “Right.”

Whilst Finn remained hunched over the bar, Angie silently beckoned the bar tender with her finger - ordering a G&T for herself and a straight whiskey for Finn. She paused from taking her money out as Finn said, staring at thin air,  
“I don’t know what to do anymore, Ang. This wasn’t what I had in mind, I had it all worked out. Was supposed to have packed it all in, took Rae on holiday, maybe even buy a new flat with her. You know, that sorta thing. I had a plan and now it’s all gone to shit,”

This was new to Angie. In all of the years she had knew him, this was the first time she was getting to know him. She had kissed and caressed every part of him, but this was the first time she was shaking hands with his soul,

“Sometimes,” She said, passing her money over to bartender, “Things don’t always work out, but that’s because it wasn’t the right thing for us. Better things are on the way for you, Finn. You just have to be patient.”  
————————————————————————————————————————————————  
The way her hips swayed made grown men shiver.

The way her eyelashes fluttered made the toughest of men melt.

And the red of her lips made men lick their own, hungry for her’s.

That’s all it was with Chloe, a game. A chase. A thrill. Adrenaline. She would do it as a show, the world was her stage and Finn was her audience. That’s who she did it for. She knew whenever her hand would lay gently on a random stranger’s arm; she could feel Finn’s burning stares. Her behaviour getting under his skin. When Rae first wandered in behind her that day, she thought that his attention going on her friend was him teasing Chloe. Just like she had done, playing her at her own game and she lived for it. Bathed in it. But when the L came out; he wasn’t playing anymore. It made her doubt whether he had even picked up the controller to begin with.

Much to many disbelief, Chloe did actually care for Rae and although she was not particularly fond of Rae and Finn’s relationship - Chloe did not want Finn hurting her friend. His continual glances towards Chloe that evening in The Basement were for now a whole other reason. Worry. Chloe watched him, laughing with Rae as they stood around the pool table and she wondered how he could lie so often to her friend. 

_Another glance._

She did not know what made her change the route of her jog that one, brisk and boring morning but she was so glad she did. Because now Finn’s attention was on her, regardless that it was negative attention she was still making him feel something. She was now in control with how she made him feel and it may have not been the way she wanted but she still marveled in the excellence of it. She rose out of her seat and announced she was going for a smoke, making sure to glance at him. Hoping he had heard.

She made sure to add a little movement in her walk. Basking in the attention of his burning stare she had learned to adore the past week. That’s how long this had been going on for; seven days. 

She placed the orange tip between her plump lips and lit the stick in one swift movement. Five minutes it took for him to follow her out. She looked up to see him, standing in the back entrance doorway. All frowns and grimaces. She held up the carton of cigarettes and he took one, lighting up with his own lighter.

_Another glance._

“You know,” He said, smoke following his words, “You didn’t see what you thought you did. The other day,”

“Oh really? Why haven’t you told Rae yet then?”

“How do you know I haven’t?”

“Cause you wouldn’t be stood out here with me if you did.”

Check mate. She looked away, flicking the end and the ash swirling in the wind in a miniature tornado. He was becoming restless but his eyes didn’t flicker as he stared at her. He needed more from her and she lived for it. Him needing something from her. He eyed her, 

“Rae won’t believe you if you tell her. You’ll only hurt her,”

“Don’t pretend you’re doing this for Rae,” She grimaced, “Don’t ever use my friend as a pawn and to protect your pathetic little self,”

“Don’t get smart with me, Chloe,” He warned. But it only egged her on. Which showed as she stepped forward, closing the gap between them both,

“You don’t scare me, Finn,” She teased with a tiger’s grin, “You tell Rae or I will,”

“Why are you even here, Chloe? To torment me, is that it? Why don’t you just fuck off, as no one wants a empty, malicious waste of space like you around. Why do you think I never bothered after that night? All you were was just a _fuck_ , cause that’s all you’re good at, ain’t it? Getting fucked up a wall and never getting that morning text.”

His words cut her. It was apparent by the flickering of her eyes, the rest of her remained still. Without breaking eye contact, she then seethed,

“One day, Finn Nelson, your miserable little life is going to swallow you whole.”

She blew one puff of smoke in his face before flicking the cigarette away and wandering inside. She loved him so much, loved him from the moment she laid eyes on him. Every man’s bed she would jump in; he would be there. Every smile, she would compare to his. But, her friend would come first and she was going to make sure to protect Rae. Make her inhale the good and exhale the bad. For sometimes you must put other’s first, even if you are as selfish as Chloe.


	38. Chapter 38

“Right,” Louie spoke, glancing between the men, “Tonight, there will be no fighting. No coke and above fucking anything, no embarrassing Charlie. Tonight is about her and any of you fuck this up, I will skin you alive.”

They were in the back room of Finn’s club. He had kindly let Louie borrow it for the night, throwing a bash for Charlie as she had turned twenty-seven. Within the room was Finn, Louie and their followers - all looking exceptionally handsome. All shirts and swept back hair. But they were all on edge tonight, due to the presence of Charlie’s family. A long running gang of snitches, it was a miracle Louie had even got a chance to ask Finn without being turned down,

“I know her family are a gang of tosser’s but let’s just play nicely tonight, especially as Finn’s mum and Maisie are here. Understood?”

All but Finn nodded. He didn’t need to nod. He was the one who had put the rules in place, just needed another mouth to speak for him. His silence was enough warning. They spoke a little longer, about safety measurements and what exactly to do if anything did indeed go tits up. Finn said nothing, once again, he just wanted to be back with Rae. He soon was and she was a pretty decoration. As pretty as the fancy table pieces.

Unlike Charlie, the party was classy. Tasteful. The theme was the roaring 20s and everybody went along with it. Finn could not help but continually compliment Rae, saying the fashion suited her. Flattered her curves and softened her features - highlighting her most beautiful parts. She was beautiful all over but there was some of her that was exquisite. But he could see it, the underlying glimmer of worry. Something was bothering her. 

He had placed the gang, including Orla, his mother and Maisie, on a booth in the back. Out of harm’s way. He glanced around the table, each of his friends attempted to speak over one another and the music. Jane was currently asking Maisie if she was enjoying herself. Rae was quiet. He looked up with those educated eyes and asked her was she too enjoying herself. Her answer was a dismissive ‘Yes’. That would not do, which Finn stressed. Asking what was wrong,

“Nothing.”

“Rae,” He spoke, sighing, “You’ve been like this for a few days now. Has something been said to you?”

“You tell me.”

And there it was. Chloe was now noticeably staring from the other end of the booth. He glanced at her, warning her to look away. But she stood her ground as she was protected as long as Rae was around. He looked at Rae, frowning,

“Am guessing Chloe told you,”

“Indeed,”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“More like why didn’t you?”

It was now she looked at him and it cut him. Cold. He was sick of this, sick of the repetitive pattern of talking over issues. He just wanted the two to be smooth sailing. Why wasn’t it ever easy for them?

“Am not doing this here,”

He spoke, grabbing her wrist gently and tugging both her and himself out of the booth. She complied, too tired to protest. He walked towards the back room he had not long left, it also worked as a security room. Finn pulled out the office swivel chair and placed it in front the TV monitor. He told her to sit, which she did. She looked at him with a quizzical look the entire time as he put in a DVD and put the film into a forward motion until it came to a halt and in a normal pace. Rae noticed the two figures, one Finn and the other an older woman. She awaited, holding her breath in anticipation as she watched the two on the screen talk. Her breathing became erratic and she could feel Finn’s continual glances on her. Her chest was tight and her heart thumped against her ribcage, like a rabbit’s foot on a wooden floor. 

And there it was. A kiss, small and brief but two lips still joined as one. Rae had never felt a pain like it. A variety of pain and emotion overwhelmed her, feeling everything at once and yet she felt incredibly numb. She watched the dvd a little longer and it was followed by Finn throwing up and then being helped out of the club,

“Turn it off,”

Her voice was a noticeable whisper. Enough for Finn, who was a bag of nerves, to catch it. He did as told before he hovered his stare over her, aching and silently begging for her to say something. This was a man who had stared death in the face but never flinched, or never cried but now here he was, eyes filling up and his Adam’s apple prominently bobbing as he attempted to swallow tears. He had never felt so cruel in his entire life. 

“Am sorry, Rae,” He choked, “But I only kissed her and when Chloe saw me leave her’s that morning and kiss her on the cheek, it was just a way of saying thank you because she let me stay as I couldn’t have came home as I was too drunk. That’s it… How long have you knew?”

“Since the morning after,”

“And you waited this long to come out with it? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“More like why didn’t _you_?” She asked, repeating her question and looking up at him, “If you supposedly feel so bad which I know you’ll tell me then why didn’t you come straight to me that morning?”

She had him there. Why didn’t he go to her? He was a coward. Scared. Rachel Earl was the only person to ever frighten him, control and consume him. He may have thought he was in control but it had always been Rae, and Rae was forever who it’d be. 

“Why, Finn? Why would you do this to me?”

“Am sorry, Rae, I made a mistake,”

“Yeah,” She nodded, giving him a short and bitter laugh, “You did,”

She rose and stood inches away from his face as she seethed,

“All I do is put you first, it’s always about you. What would Finn think, how would Finn feel but you never do the same for me,”

“I do, Rae, I-”

“No,” She bit back, “You don’t, otherwise this wouldn’t have happened. You, Finn Nelson, are the most selfish person I have ever met and I don’t think I want to be with somebody so selfish,”

He was taken aback by this. He never excepted her to have the balls to say it. She was right and yet he was trying to find the fault, flip it on it’s head and blame her or pass the blame onto something else. But there was nothing. He whimpered,

“So, so what are you saying?”

“I just,” She paused, looking around before back to him as she sighed, “I don’t know. I just need to be away from you for a while,”

She went to leave when he pulled her back, begging her to stay. She pulled her hand back and shook her head,

“Don’t make this harder than it needs to be,”

“Just,” He exhaled, dancing on the balls of his feet, “Just don’t finish this. Alright? I mean, we’re Rae and Finn. Finn and Rae, we belong together. Don’t throw it away,”

She lingered for a moment and he could feel the panic erupt from the depths of his soul, rising upwards in a bubble of anger. She couldn’t leave him, he needed her. She made everything ok, she was the only stability in his life. When everything was going wrong and the world was blowing the wind against his sails, Rae was the one who kept hold tight of the rope - helping him push through. 

“Am not saying that, am saying I just need a few days,”

“Rae, please I-”

“Goodbye, Finn,”

And with that she was gone. His eyes fell to the floor and he could feel his brows knit tightly together, nostrils flared. He let out a lion’s roar before he picked up the chair and launched it at the computer screen, his hands grasped anything that could be used as a weapon and it got tossed around the room in a fit of rage. All he could see was red, like he was separating salt from water. His anger was making his head and spine throb. He needed a release but no matter how many things he threw, not matter how much he screamed; he couldn’t quite grasp his fingers round that bittersweet feeling. He needed Rae.  
He found himself cowering to a corner. His cheeks wet and his lips dry from the salty taste of sadness. He was curled up, like the coward he was. Knees bent to his chest, protecting anymore feelings from spilling out of his heart. Orla had appeared from the doorway and before him. She cautiously approached him and once seeing he was allowing her to let herself in, she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into her chest. He was safe. Orla knew what had happened, she had saw Rae leave and put two-and-two together. As much as Finn was in the wrong, she knew he didn’t need reminding and all he needed was a cuddle. 

The love that Finn felt for Rae was enough to move mountains and create earthquakes. It could part oceans and held a fire more scolding than the sun. Why he had ruined it, he could not tell you. He could not blame the alcohol, for if his lips worked then so did his brain. All he could blame was himself, and his selfish ways. For that’s all he was,

Selfish. 

Finn wanted to tell Rae she was being a coward, that they should talk about this more and not run away from it. But he was wrong, oh, he was so wrong. For this was the bravest thing Rae ever had to do, tell the man she loves that she wanted to be away from him. Be without him.


	39. Chapter 39

She hissed as she flicked away the droplets of steaming hot coffee from her fingers. She had been so tired that she had not realised how hot and overfilled the coffee was, it spilling slightly as soon as she picked the mug up. She loved coffee, it was a magical potion that could create friendships and push you to stay awake for that extra hour to cram in those final study moments. 

She needed that little boost for her sleeping pattern hadn’t been the best the past few days. She did not realise how lonely sleeping in a bed on your own when you’ve been curled in somebody’s arms actually was. That was one thing she missed about Finn, the company. Not that she didn’t miss anything else, for she missed him; just the cuddles were something that were top of the list. 

Another chime was heard from the desk and she was afraid to look. Finn had been constantly hammering her phone, some abusive, some lovely and some were desperate. The abusive always came at two in the morning, when he was on the last dregs of his second bottle of whisky, the loving would come when he was hungover and the desperate would come most of the time. This wasn’t exactly the space she had asked for,

“That Finn again?”

Rae heard Rob call from the back,

“No clue,” She sighed, “I haven’t looked,”

Rob now appeared by her side. He gave Rae a sympathetic look, and she ignored it. She had, had enough of those, for the news had spread within a matter of twenty-four hours of their break and the sympathetic stares was all she had received, everybody thinking they could feel for a relationship they knew nothing about. 

She decided to bite the bullet and open her phone, ignoring the intense stares from Rob,

_“… I’m listening to my heart, Rae, and it’s screaming your name so loud that you could probably hear it. I am so set on you and am scared, please Rae, please don’t do this. I don’t want anybody else, you’re my little world, Rae. I believe this could make us stronger, if you gave me another chance. I believe it because we love each other, I know you love me, and we wouldn’t dream of being with anybody else.”_

She rolled her eyes, fed up with how dramatic he could be. Rob asked what was said and Rae simply handed over the phone. Once read by Rob did a little snort come from him as he handed it back,

“Am guessing he’s pissed again,”

“Nah,” She said, looking at him, “If he were then it’d be nasty,”

“God, how do you put up with him?”

Rob left for the stock room and Rae was left to ponder on his words, how did she put up with him?   
————————————————————————————————————————————-  
Eventually closing time came around and Rae found herself wandering to The Vaults, knowing Finn wasn’t turning up. So Orla said anyway, Rae had been informed that Finn had opted to not come along - finding himself not quite ready for a pub gathering. Unsure of what his own reaction would be.

The pub wasn’t as packed, in fact it was just touching on deserted. Aside from the gang, the place had just the barstaff and the local drunk Albie. But no Finn, and Rae felt all stress and worry float away like the bubbles in the crisp and cold pint that was waiting for her. She was surprised that her and Orla still had a tight bond, but as Orla said it was Finn’s fault and despite many years of a close friendship - loyalty and girl code came first.

Rae felt that tingle of annoyance scratch at her ears when she approached the table. There they were; the sympathetic glances. Well some were, others were fright as a few of the boys had been warned by Finn to keep an eye on Rae - those frightened stares came from worry of not doing their job properly and panic if Rae happen to lock lips in spite with another man. Or woman, for it was known Rae was bi-sexual. Something that constantly worsened Finn’s paranoia. 

Everybody greeted her, Chop chiming in the pint was from him, before returning to their conversations. Well, trying to along with constantly glancing at Rae. 

“You alright?" 

Rae shrugged at Orla’s lowly spoken question, for she did not know. She was numb at the moment, for something as big as the break would take a while to sink in. That’s how her mental health worked, something big would take a while or wouldn’t settle all together but something as small as making her tea too milky and she’d cry for hours. 

"I hate seeing you like this, Rae, I really fucking do,”

Rae felt her lip quiver and Orla placed a gentle hand on top of her trembling ones,

“Not here, I’ll come round through the week and we’ll talk then,”

All could Rae could was nod at this. The two then involved themselves in conversation with the rest of the gang and Rae could not help feel that missing piece. Would this be how it always felt if he never showed? Would she constantly feel on edge, awaiting for him to appear? She wanted to Finn, but that was the thing; how could you run to something that usually would fix everything; make her feel better was now the reason she was feeling like this?  
——————————————————————————————————————————————–  
She waved a sloppy goodbye to Izzy, Chop and Archie before departing from the pub. It was now gone past twelve and it was like a ghost town. Not a car or soul in sight. She stumbled as she walked down the street, her vision was blurred and she teetered like a toddler. She felt a hand grab her arm, just catching her before she went tumbling into a gutter. She then slurred a thanks. Rae had never seen her hero before and between the alcohol and the dim glow of the streetlights; it was impossible to tell who it was. The overpowering smell of Lynx nauseated Rae, as did the Chelsea football t-shirt. She wasn’t a fan of football but she didn’t like the team Chelsea, well it’s supporters as a lot of the lads who picked on her at school were Chelsea supporters. She then continued her journey home but could feel a presence behind, she slowly turned before seeing her “Hero” Was following her, she then lazily smiled and slurred, 

“Y-you don’t need to follow me, honestly am fine!" 

"Didn’t your mum ever tell you it’s dangerous to be out this late at night on your own?”

The voice was rough, like gravel, if she was sober then Rae would have ran a mile but thanks to many snake bite and blacks she stayed put, something inside her told her to turn and walk away but she ignored it. The man walked over to her, he ran a hand through her hair and twiddled a strand of raven through his fingers, 

“You’re quite pretty for a big girl, aren’t ya?” She then breathed an uneasy laugh, as he leaned in she pushed him away, 

“What are you doing?" 

He then stopped his advances for a moment to scoff, 

"Oh don’t be like that, I just want a kiss," 

He went to kiss her again, his movements more forceful. She struggled to keep up the fight but she managed to push him away once more, he began to become aggressive and he shoved her into a wall; shouting in her face. His big, grubby hands clamped around her shoulders as he held into her place, attempting to get a kiss once more. Her legs shook, pure white hot fear infecting her. Her chest grew tight and the world began to span. Although she was struggling she put up a good fight, right up until he grabbed a fistful of her hair and yanked her head back; attempting to get another kiss - she let out a whimper and a cry. He whispered insult after insult which made her feel dirty. He went to drag her down the nearest alleyway and out of sight, Rae dug her heels in. She winced and her eyes glazed over as his grip tightened on her hair. 

A whistle was heard and the two shot their gaze to the source of the noise, Rae felt such a relief that her body grew almost heavy with it as she saw it was Finn. The person let go of Rae and Finn held out a hand, her eyes glanced from his outstretched limb to his face. She scurried over to Finn and was pulled behind him, she cowered against his back. A place that came naturally to her.

"Sorry, Finn, mate. Didn’t know she was with you," 

Before Finn could respond to the culprit he softly spoke over his shoulder, 

"Get in my car, Rae,”

She then stood up straight, she sniffed and stuttered,

“Wha-what? Finn, I’m fine I just-”

He cut her off, speaking through gritted teeth, 

_“Get in the car, Rae."_

Although Rae didn’t want to be alone with Finn, especially with him being in such an angry state - she did as told. Like always. She made her way over to the vacant car in the street. Rae climbed in and jumped when she heard it lock.   
Her gaze turned to outside and she watched with a frightened and intense stare. She held her breath as she awaited whatever was to come but all that came was the man cowering and skulking off into the dark. That she was not expecting, she was expecting that exact temper she had saw many a time - but far worse for he had simply strangled a man for knocking into her. Finn stood for a moment before turning and striding over and past the car. He disappeared for a moment before the click of the lock was to be heard and Rae cowered into her seat as he climbed in. She jumped as he slammed his door. As he started the car and sped it out of the street, Rae watched out of her peripheral vision; unable to take her stare off of him.

"Did he hurt you?" 

He asked, seething with anger. 

He then glanced between her and the road before repeating his question, his voice raising and his tone making Rae cringe in terror, 

_"Did he hurt you?!"_

She shook her head,

"No, he just pulled my hair." 

He gritted his teeth and his arms flexed as his grip tightened before he spat,

_"Fucking scumbag."_

He had gotten to that point of anger that he was actually calm, but the thought of the attacker with his hands on Rae made Finn’s blood boil - how could any man lay their hands on a woman call themselves a man. Finn thought they were the lowest of the food chain. 

In an attempt to calm him down further, Rae then asked,

"Why’s Kendo following us?" 

He said nothing for a moment or two, thinking he’d left it; Rae began to pick at her nails and keep her head down before it snapped back up again to look at him as he said,

"I bumped into him and well after I’ve dropped you off I’ve got some stuff I’ve gotta do with him.”

She didn’t mean to ask what she did, but due to her drinks intake she could not find her brain help barricade in her words,

“What, drug dealing again?” He had now taken one hand off the staring wheel, his arm rested upon the window sill. He rubbed his chin and he scoffed, “Been speaking to Chloe, am guessing," 

"What do you think?" 

He let out a sudden chuckle, but it was a way of warning her not to get snappy. Rae found his sudden laughter unnerving as it was deep and unwelcoming. He then looked at her for a moment before turning back to the road, 

"No, not drug dealing. Just business, and also he’s following to make sure I don’t go back and twat that little fucker,”

He joked but anger nipped at his words. 

And once again thanks to the glorious effects of vodka, Rae couldn’t keep her mouth shut and she sarcastically quipped, 

“And you expect me to believe that?" 

He then snapped, "Do you ever shut up?" 

He then cringed inwardly before his face faltered and he softened, 

"Am sorry, Rae,”

She looked up, tears glazing her vision as she whispered, 

“It’s fine," 

She then dropped her head down as she continued to fiddle with her fingers in her lap. 

He didn’t mean to be so short tempered, the previous events and the fact he couldn’t hit the man pushed him. The thought of what could have happened made him want to spin the car around and find the little weasel, the image of the man pulling on Rae’s hair and the tears in her eyes kept flashing in Finn’s mind. His grip tightened just that little more and he couldn’t help himself as he spat, 

"Why were you walking around on your own, Rae? Where was Chloe, or even Orla?" 

"Chloe had to leave early, and well I didn’t want to leave as it was my first night out in a while and Orla dropped Chloe off. She never came back,”

She sniffed before returning to her finger fiddling. His chest grew tight as his anger was beginning to rise again, he wasn’t sure what he was more angry at; his other friends not offering to walk Rae home or she stupidly not leaving with Chloe and Orla.  The two found themselves in a silence and both were pondering on the same thought; of all the opportunities they could have bumped into each other during their mini split, it had to be this - he could have strangled her. Not literally, but he really wanted to shout at her. Ask her did she need constant caring for, to have her hand always held like a naughty toddler. The car came to a halt outside of Rae’s house, she then turned to him. He stared ahead, his jaw was still tight, 

“Why didn’t you hit that, man? When we were in Chester you headbutted a kid for bumping shoulders with me, that man could’ve raped me and yet you just warned him,”

“I’m trying to change," 

He looked at her, silently showing that he was and it was now Rae could see the bags that drooped underneath his blood shot eyes. The unruly mess of unkept hair adorned his head and the creased clothing from the lack of self grooming,

“ _Now_ is the moment you try to change?!”  She scoffed at this, shaking her head, “You really are something, aren’t ya,”

He felt frustrated, he got told he was toxic if he didn’t try and the same if he did. Why did he even bother. In an effort to try and show that he was in fact trying, he then asked, changing the subject,

"Are you going to talk to me?”

Not realising she had been staring did she come to at his words. Rae didn’t want to. But she had to, and that was part of being an adult - which Linda always reminded her about - doing things you didn’t want to do, 

“I’ve thought things over and I think we’re better being friends,”

It was now she looked up from her twiddling thumbs and she felt her throat go dry, her heart sinking. Finn stared ahead, Adam’s apple tightly wedged in his throat and eyes glazing over. She had caused him pain, not like the pain you’d feel when you’d stub your toe or pain you’d feel after causing an argument but like she had cut open his chest, taking away his heart and leaving him to bleed to death. She was leaving him with nothing but pain.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.

“Are you really going to do this, Rae? I’ve told you am sorry, it was a stupid mistake. What else do you want me to do?!" 

His temper was beginning to rise. It started as a ripple, then it was rising and rising,

"I know, Finn, but I can’t be with you anymore,” She sniffed, a fresh batch of tears trickled down her already wet and stinging cheeks, “You don’t know how hard this is for me,”

“It doesn’t have to be hard,” He turned in his seat to face her, a desperate attempt to get her to see reason, “Please, don’t finish us. I can change, if you just-”

“Give you a chance?” She asked, finishing his words. She had wiped his King right off the board. 

“Don’t leave me,” He whispered, swallowing his tears, “Please, don’t leave me like everyone else. I can’t take anybody else leaving me,”

“I know, and that’s what makes it so hard for me. I’m sorry that it seems like am abandoning you but I’ll always be here, as a friend. I just can’t be your girlfriend anymore, we’re too toxic together,” She sniffed and he shook his head at this, although the tears were still prominent in the brim of his eyes; he wanted to tie her up, throw her in the backseat and drive until she agreed to stay with him.

“You’re making a big mistake,” He warned.

“ _I’m_ making a mistake?! Get a fucking grip of yourself, Finn, what are you gonna do? What, you gonna slap me? Kick me? Hurt me, because believe me none of that can match up to the pain I felt seeing you kiss that girl!" 

And there it was. The realisation cemented in and she could feel her breathing grow heavy, her chest heaving with a blazing fury,

"Why would you do that, Finn?! Why would you do that to me?! Wasn’t I good enough?! After everything I’ve done for you!” She began to raise her voice, eventually screaming her words. He screamed back, telling her she was good enough. She screamed why, he screamed that he didn’t know. She cried and screamed, screamed and cried until her head throbbed along with her heart. The two spat in each other’s face with words filled with so much anger and sadness. She began to smack him in between cries and he barely flinched, he warned her - telling her to stop. But she continued, crying, asking why wasn’t she good enough and he continued to shout that she was and he was the one who wasn’t good enough. 

Her hands balled his t-shirt into fists and her head bowed as she attempted to calm herself. She asked, one last time,

“Why did you do this to me? You’ve ruined me,”  

And that’s when she couldn’t stop the tears for they had ran a river through her so deep - she was now drowning in her own sadness. He too was now sobbing, telling her he was sorry over and over. So numbed by his own self hatred he was unable to lift his arms and cuddle her as she gripped tightly at the fabric, loud sobs erupted from her lips. 

The sobs between the two did eventually settle and were soon just quiet sniffs. Rae sat up and rested one elbow on the window sill, rubbing her forehead with her hand, 

“I’m too tired to be with you anymore, Finn, you don’t know how tiring it actually is. You’ve somehow made two months feel like a life time,”

Her hand stilled and she tutted. He wanted to ask was he really that bad? That toxic? Why did she put up with him, if he was so draining? Would it be too much to ask for a cuddle? So many questions. All of which he already knew the answer too secretly. And all he could do was apologise,

“Am sorry, I didn’t realise how bad I’ve been. I thought I was changing to be honest,”

“If anything, Finn,” She sighed, lifting up her head and resting her cheek on her fist, “You’ve gotten worse,”

And he had. He knew he had. He was never going to change, people like him didn’t. He was a dark abyss that nobody would dare venture down to lighten it, when girls did they only ever encouraged the darkness. Not Rae, even her nickname was associated with sunshine.

“Can we just be friends, for now?” Her eyes were hopeful and he took a moment before finally nodding, accepting the defeat. The sudden calmness between them was a whirlwind contrast compared to the screaming match five minutes ago, but it was nice. Not wanting to linger Rae then sighed and gripped her fingers around her backpack, looking up at him,

“Thanks for before, Finn, I don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t have been there,”

In their passion of anger, Finn had forgotten about why she was there and he could feel his temper returning. He just simply stated that as long as she was safe then that’s all that mattered to him. As she went to climb out, he noticed the empty drive and asked,

“Is your mum not home?" 

Rae sat back in the seat and shook her head,

"No, she’s away till tomorrow as a family member’s not well,”

Although he was sympathetic over the sad news, Finn found the silver lining his dad used to bang on about and he asked,

“Do you want me stay?”

“Finn,” She gave him a look, “Don’t,”

“No, I don’t mean it like that I just know you don’t like being on your own. Look, I’ll even stay on the couch.”

The offering lingered in the air, as did Finn’s hope - it dangling above him like a carrot above a donkey. She dragged her bottom lip between her teeth, glancing briefly at her house. It looked a lot darker than what she prepared herself for. There was no chance she would get a good night’s sleep if she stayed on her own, at least with Finn on the couch he could tackle any lurking demons or gremlins. 

“Alright,” She exhaled, “Fine,”

He wasted no time into grabbing his coat and bits from the back seat, out of the car in record timing. Rae was a lot slower, delaying him being in her house for as long as she could. He told her to wait a moment, she stopped at the end of her drive and watched as he walked over to Kendo; whilst she watched the two speak she began to feel her hard work of ignoring him go to waste. Once again the two had gone from 0 - 100 in a matter of seconds, and once again without realising she had let him come back in - scared to face her loneliness. That’s one thing he did right; chase away her demons and never left her feeling lonely. Finn wandered back over as Kendo drove away and awaited for her to lead the way. Tensions still running high.

They eventually made their way inside. Finn stopped in the living room as Rae headed for the stairs, she flicked on the landing lights from the bottom step and turned to him, 

“Come on, you can stay in the bed with me,” She playfully pointed a finger at him, “But hands to yourself,”

He jokingly put up his hands and the two shared a little smile. He followed her up and the realisation that he had never actually seen her bedroom vastly settled in. What kind of room would Rae have? Band posters and withering away concert tickets jotted around the walls? Maybe a stack of unread books piled on a desk? Either way, he was about to enter Rae’s room. Sleep there, even. Nervous was an understatement.

The room was how he imagined it. The fairy lights were a surprise though, for they were girly and childlish. But they were cute, engulfing the room in a soft glow. Finn slowly stepped in, shutting the door behind him and placing himself there. He watched Rae as she stripped herself free of her clothes, moving to her chest of drawers in search of a loose t-shirt. She pulled it over her head, shaking out her hair and the material reaching just above her knees - teasing him.

“Do you want a t-shirt or anything?”

“I’ll just sleep in my boxers,” He asked, careful with his words, “If that’s ok?”

She nodded and he accepted this, moving further into the room as he began to undress. She climbed into bed and watched him, the fairy lights softening his features, his body flexing under the dim glow. Did that all really just happen? She thought it over and frowned, she felt like she had just watched something out of a film. She came to once he approached her bedside, she turned over and shifted along - it being a single smushed against the wall. The bed shifted in weight and the familiar heat of his naked torso was pressed firmly against her back.

“I know this is possibly the worst time, but I’ve got a hard on,”

It first started as a snigger, then suddenly the two erupted into a fit of giggles. This, this was how it was supposed to be. Coming home after a long night down the pub, having a little giggle and maybe a grope and then falling asleep next to each other. Not all the poison that curled it’s cold and venomous fingers around happiness’s throat, 

“Rae… C… Can I cuddle you?”

Hearing his voice become so suddenly small, killed her. It broke her. The bricks were being chipped and her hard, stubborn work was slowly wasting away. She was a fool, she knew that. She did not need reminding, which was the main reason that this little fiasco would not be leaving tonight. Rae nodded, not willing to trust her voice. A moment passed before his arm slid around her mid section, gently tugging her into him. Automatically did her legs curl, allowing his to slot in behind.

She heard a content sigh come from his lips and she knew he was both relieved that she was in his arms and that he was going to finally get a good night’s sleep. His grip tightened on her, pulling himself closer into her - scared to let go in case she disappeared. But she was no mirage, and the thought made him want to cry. But this time with happiness. And he could not help his lips part as he quietly stated,

“I love you, Rae,”

“I know.”


	40. Chapter 40

Finn whistled along to the beat and tapped his fingers against his steering wheel. Pumped Up Kicks. A classic. His eyes surveyed the area, he was somewhere on the outskirts of town, an abandoned industrial estate. Kendo and Louie in the back. All that was missing was Mitch, but they couldn’t wallow in his death forever. Not with the kind of lifestyle they lived. 

“You spoken to Rae?”

It had been six days since that night and they had been texting regularly, which Finn commented on and added,

“Am taking her for dinner tonight actually, after we’ve been here," 

Louie chimed in about Finn having his cake and eating it too, this being in referral to sleeping with Rae and having no ties, Finn didn’t like this. He said nothing and Louie’s smile quickly disappeared. In all honesty, Finn had not slept with Rae during this new friendship. The subject had not come up and he was not prepared to suggest it, he was perfectly happy with just having her company - even if that meant having a wank in the shower twice a day. The outsiders of their relationship found the situation very strange, how they were so comfortable around one another; going the pub, hanging out at Finn’s, etc. Orla voiced her opinion the most when she was alone with Finn, reminding him he was playing with fire and eventually he was going to get burnt. 

Kendo’s phone chirped and Finn looked at him through the rear-view mirror; earning a nod, 

"Let’s go,”

Finn switched off the car and everyone climbed out. Finn had made a special pocket inside of his coat for him to hide his gun, and he slotted it away. As did Louie and Kendo. The men looked at one another before a slow smirk pooled outwards; spreading across his face. He had missed this, for the past week had not been as exciting as the big deal that was about to take place. He followed Kendo and Louie across the estate. Their shoulders straight and their grins, cocky. 

They entered the dimly lit building and the nauseating smell of mold and mildew slithered up their noses. Kendo was itching to retch. Sudden light appeared as they entered the middle of the building, walking in to find their new business partners. Well one, the rest were the man’s men. He went by the name of Billy, and he was as mean as he looked. He was tall and lean, a nicely tailored suit was his attire. He sat behind a makeshift desk, three chairs before it and his three, gruff men stood behind him. 

“Ah, Finn, long time no see,”

“Alright?”

Finn asked, taking a place in the middle of the three chairs - Louie and Kendo stood behind Finn. Although Louie would have liked to have been the one making the deal, Finn had told him his role today would be a body guard,

“So, how have you been?”

Asked Billy. But Finn wasn’t there for chit chat, he just wanted to grab the stuff and leave to see Rae. Which he pointed out, taken aback by Finn’s abruptness Billy let out a small chuckle,

“Always so eager,” He clicked his fingers at the tallest of his men. Finn began to feel his legs twitch with restless energy, a sudden feeling of unease overcame him. Something didn’t feel quite right. Finn glanced briefly around the room and an overwhelming smell of a rat was apparent. He looked at the men behind Billy and it took a lot of willpower to suppress the snort, for they were the shortest men he had ever seen - and he wasn’t exactly the tallest of males himself. The man returned with a large, stuffed envelope, which was handed to Billy who then placed it on the desk and slid it over to Finn,

“It’s all there,”

Finn opened the envelope to find the bits, all there as promised,

“And it’s legit?” Finn asked, making sure that this wasn’t a trap. He was stupid to have even accepted it as now he would have punters constantly at his door, the one thing that irked him but money was money. He was now under Billy’s power, for once he accepted that would he now have to do the selling continually. Not that Finn knew that, Billy had lured Finn in with promises of a partnership but before Finn knew it he was handed the drugs and no signs of it being an equal deal,

“Finn,” Billy grinned, “Have I ever let you down?”  
—————————————————————————————————————————————–  
The horrible man who attacked her’s dirty remarks still imprinted upon her skin, and no matter how many showers she took she was still not clean. Of course it effected her, especially now that she was sober, and she was practically mute for the remainder of the week, whenever she would walk down the high street she would nervously glance around and although she would like to ring Finn and ask for a lift; she seemed to chicken out at the last minute. She would even flinch if a blue football shirt would walk past her in the streets. She barely ate and she barely slept, and because she hadn’t told anyone about it; she felt like she was going insane as the memory just would not leave her alone.

She fluffed out the playsuit before shrugging on her leather jacket. She was ready. She had to admit those butterflies were returning, as were the smile on her face. Her and Finn had been a lot better the past week, he was a good friend. A very kind friend. She had opted to get ready in work as that way she could go straight from there. She shrugged on her back pack and waved goodbye to Rob, her new co-worker, a young a lad named Trevor, followed her out and the two chatted whilst they walked. Rae’s eyes landed on Finn’s car and she gave him a little wave, but was met with hard eyes and a curled lip. She frowned at this, what was his problem now? 

She then turned to Trevor, 

“Listen, Rae, I was wondering if I could have your number? Just so we can arrange that famous Stamford tour you were offering,” He cheekily quipped.

She giggled and told him he could have it. As Trevor took her phone and did what he did, Rae shuddered a little for she couldn’t shake the feeling of Finn’s burning stare. She sighed and then quickly smiled once Trevor looked up, handing the phone back. The two exchanged their goodbyes and Rae swiveled on her heels, over to Finn’s car,

“Hiya!" 

Rae smiled as she climbed into the car, her smile instantly dropping when Finn asked,

"Who was that?”

So that was what was wrong with him,

“Oh, just the new kid who started today. He’s harmless,”

“Do you like him?”

“What?” She snorted, “Finn, I barely know him!”

Finn could not even ask did she tell this kid that she had a boyfriend, because she didn’t and it hurt. He kept the frown but said nothing further, putting the car into motion. Rae began to go on about an annoying customer and Finn could not focus on anything but Rae and that lad exchanging numbers. His own mind was being tortured with images of her kissing him and Finn could not help himself as he blurted out,

“Do you wanna fuck him?”

Rae stopped her babbling and looked at Finn, eyes wide and utter bewilderment upon her face,

“What? Are you being serious?”

He was being totally and utterly serious, but he was also being unfair and behaving ridiculously. He shook his head and told her he was sorry, it wasn’t his place and for her to ignore him. He then smiled at her and told her to continue her story, and she did but her tone was sharp and the story was now short. Luckily so was the journey and they were soon out of the car and inside the one of many Jamie Oliver restaurant’s that had been set up across the country. 

They were taken to their table almost instantly, the staff knowing fully well not to keep Finn waiting. Their table was a cosy booth that was placed near a window and gave them a peak to the more beautiful part of Stamford at night. The pollution of streetlights erased the stars above and replaced them with an orange, dim glow. They were handed two menus and Finn asked could they have a bottle of the house Rose wine, the waiter was gone and shortly returned with two glasses and the bottle in the ice bucket. He told the two that another server would be over soon when they were ready to order, Finn itched to tell the man not to rush. For Rae looked divine, the black velvet playsuit gave him a painful teasing glimpse of his favourite place to be - between her thighs,

“So, how’s everything been since,” He used his hands to speak for him, “You know,”

She took a moment to tell him in a way that gave nothing away, to show him that she was strong. She knew this was going to be brought up, knew it from the moment she agreed to him taking her to dinner. She gave a simple shrug with a sigh,

“To be honest, Finn, I’ve been stressed but it happened and there’s no point sitting and dwelling on it,”

Finn’s jaw clenched for a moment and Rae flinched ever so slightly. He rubbed his chin before pouring a glass each of the wine, he then quipped about how he should’ve hurt the man. Rae shook her head and told him she was proud of him for keeping his cool. This, made him smile and his heart flutter. That’s all he ever wanted from Rae, for her to be proud of him. He watched as she brought the glass up to her lips and his eyes trailed down the curve of her neck before back up to her lips, catching her tongue running along her mouth. He shifted in his seat slightly, if him restraining himself from getting up and locking lips with her didn’t prove he had willpower then he did not know what did. 

Due to the lack of food the pair had recently not had, by their third glass of wine they were just bordering on tipsy. Rae ran a finger around her glass and eyed him from her lashes, he was talking about something or other but she didn’t care about that; all she could focus on were his lips.

Was the wine really strong or was it just Finn?

It was always him. He was the honey and she was a bee, he was the sweetest honey Rae had ever beheld and she wanted a taste, 

“You’re looking very beautiful tonight, Rae,”

“Am I?”

She asked, a flirty look bestowed upon her face. He smirked and leaned forward, elbows on the table and hands linked together. His eyes darkened and his lust pooled down within his stomach, his mind drowning in thoughts of running his fingers along her skin,

“Yeah, you do and if I was allowed I’d throw you over this table and fuck you,”  
His vulgar mouth would make prude people cringe, but Rae wasn’t prude and she could feel the room grow increasingly warm. The alcohol made her have sudden courage, she glanced around before purring,

“Oh really? Why don’t you come here and tell me what you’d do?”

His eyes grew wide, wild with excitement and surprised for Rae had never been so bold. He slowly slid across the booth and sat beside her, he placed himself where it was teasing yet still so very intimate. He then pressed his lips against her ear lobe, whispering all of the things he wanted to do. He spoke of how he’d start with her neck, caressing it with his lips before moving onto her breasts and then he spoke of how he’d go down on her for so long he’d need gills. The last part made Rae frown at him before the two fell to a fit of giggles, earning a few glances. 

His laughter stopped, but that smile was still apparent as he watched her. Head back and a smile erupting like the biggest of volcanoes. God, she really was the most beautiful creature. He wanted to kiss her so hard she would forget who’s air she was breathing. He moved away from her, back to his seat and he poured them both a glass. He raised his slightly and asked,

“To friendship?”

She softened, a sweet and small smile spread along her lips. She raised her glass and it clinked as it tapped his,

“To friendship.”

He eyed her over his glass as he took a huge gulp. This was going to be one interesting friendship indeed.


	41. Chapter 41

“You better go before Rae gets here,”

Finn spoke, climbing out of bed and instantly getting changed - the smell of sex and sweat hot on his skin. He searched the room for his deodorant and aftershave, the pretty red head who’s name he had yet to learn purred from the bed,

“Is she your girlfriend?”

Her eyes lit up at the thought of being Finn’s mistress, but a pout replaced the smile when he told her no. He then also told her to hurry up, for the mention of Rae being his girlfriend stirred an annoyance deep inside of him. He had met the girl at the club, a bright eyed twenty something came along; looking for a job. New to the area. Fresh meat was something Finn could not resist, desperate to warm up the colder side of his sheets. 

The young woman climbed out of bed, attempting to make small talk. But Finn didn’t care for that, he just wanted her to leave. The guilt immediately setting in. The girl was dressed and soon they were at Finn’s door,

“So, give me a call?" 

She asked, hopeful,

"Yeah, course,”

He replied, eager for her to be gone. She smiled, a gorgeous smile at that with equally as pretty eyes, and leaned in for a kiss. She was met with his cheek and being almost pushed out of the door. He made his way through to the center of the flat and was greeted by a disgusted Orla, who spat,

“Third one this week, I’m impressed,”

“Leave it, Orla,”

She scoffed, shaking her head and watched him as he flopped himself down on the couch. His casual and blase attitude made her grit her teeth. Never in their friendship had Orla found herself so distressed over him sleeping around, but this time there was not just them two involved,

“You really are a pig, aren’t you?”

He frowned, pulling his gaze away from the television and on to his furious friend. The frown lines were deep and his lips were thinned into a grimace,

“What’s your problem now? Me sleeping with girls has never bothered you before,”

She was taken aback, incredulous. His attitude made her eyes suddenly fill up, flickering as she attempted to hold back the tears. She was unsure what made her so upset, for Finn was single and could in fact do as he pleased. May be it was the thought of having to see the tears fill up in Rae’s eyes, or the heartbreak she would feel when losing Rae as she knew there would no longer be a friendship there, 

“You know fully well why I’m upset, how could you do this to her?”

He had, had enough. He rose off of the couch and moved around, stalking over to her. He stood behind a counter, keeping it as a shield to protect Orla so he didn’t launch himself at her,

“Don’t you dare bring Rae into this!”

“Why? Because you’re scared to hear the truth? I hope Rae sees what a conniving piece of shit you really are,”

“Fuck you!”

“No, fuck _you_. I can’t keep lying to her, Finn, I can’t face her. Knowing, what you’ve done,”

“You don’t have to,” He said, with a shrug. Orla knew exactly what was meant by this, but she had to hear it come from those lying lips,

“What are you saying?”

“Am saying, you’ve lived here long enough. Think it’s about time you fucked off,”

His eyes were cold and Orla could feel a shiver start from her feet and up; curling it’s way around her heart, cramping her chest. Years of their friendship flashed before her eyes, crumbling into nothing but a pile of ashes. She pulled a face before scoffing,

“Since I don’t live here anymore and no longer your mate then I may as well just tell her,”

“You wouldn’t fucking dare,”

“I would,” She stepped forward, pointing at the floor to prove her point, “She deserves to know, deserves to see what a nasty little bastard you are!”

The tension was rising, like the angry heat in the room. Finn’s eyes narrowed into two little slits, honing in on his pray. His fists curled up, digging hard and deep half moons into his palms,

“Rae wouldn’t believe you,”

“She would,” She challenged, “If I rang up every girl who’s came through that door since your split and got them to confirm, did I mention I have their numbers?”

The sarcastic tone and the irritatingly, tormenting glint in her eyes was enough to do it. He swiftly moved round and stormed over, his hands clamped on her; gluing her arms to her sides and he shoved her backwards - her back harshly came into contact with the worktop. A whimper came from her lips and he pressed his nose to her cheek as he hissed, his voice coming out in a menacing whisper; showering her in words made of knives,

_“You ever tell Rae and I’ll tie you up, throw you in the boot and make sure you… Are… Never… Found,”_

The sudden shaking coming from her trembling body was enough to bring him to, the dark hate lightened from his eyes and he suddenly let go; Orla’s body dropped to the floor with a thud. She cowered and he stuttered,

“Orla, I’m s… So Sorry, I-”

She put up a hand as he bent down, unable to look at him. There, right there was his tiny little world he had been cradling in his arms for the past so many years was falling at his feet. The worn string of friendship snapped. As did his heart. She shakily rose as the two heard the door open and close, and before he could call her back Orla shoved past him; heading to leave. She passed Rae, who now stepped into the living room, on her way and was unable to look at her. Rae frowned, watching Orla leave,

“Orla? You ok?" 

But she was answered by the slam of the door. Finn had now turned around, straightened himself out and forced a smile. It wasn’t hard for Rae to put two and two together,

"What’s happened?”

“Just a bit of an argument, don’t worry about it," 

He then moved to her, opening his arms. He linked his hands to the back of her neck, planting one gentle kiss upon her forehead - attempting to brush away the feeling that those hands had been used as an act of threat moments ago,

"How was your day? You hungry?”

He asked, moving back to the kitchen. The crime scene. He looked up at her as she spoke, placing her bag on the floor and moving to the DVD collection. A natural routine,

“Urm,” She hummed, scanning the DVDs, “Good and no, had something to eat before I came,”

He accepted this and flicked the kettle on, the coldness of her cheeks and clothing could be felt from across the room. Summer nowhere in sight. He watched with admiration as the curve of her backside flexed underneath her jeans as she moved, looking through the hundreds of films. He had missed her, and he only saw her yesterday at the pub with the gang. The click and the bubbling steam of the kettle made him come to and in his daydream haze he had forgotten to get the mugs and tea contents out. He carried this out, glancing every so often at Rae. As he poured out the kettle water, he breathed a laugh as he jokingly teased,

“Stare any longer and you’ll get stuck like that,”

He let out a little giggle as the middle finger came in to view. As he made the brews, he could hear her huff in frustration. So many films and yet none took her fancy, the colourful spines of the motion pictures not exactly helping as they all attracted her. She finally decided on one, Reservoir Dogs. She waltzed over to the couch and sat down, placing the DVD upon the table before then taking the tea that had suddenly came into view. Finn plonked himself down beside her and sent her soft smile before blowing on his mug. 

They passed some conversation, but it was nothing more than mindless chatter about their day. As Rae spoke animatedly about how the new AM album had came in, Finn could only watch. A loving smile adorned his guilty face. Orla was right, how could he do it to Rae? How could he sleep with other girls, knowing Rae would find out and he would have to face those gentle eyes fill up with sadness. Another wound, fresh and oozing with resentment.   
He suddenly felt dirty and he sniffed his armpit, grimacing,

“Jesus, I stink,” He muttered, leaning forward and placed his empty mug on the table. 

“I weren’t gonna say anything…”

She slowly looked at him and he blushed, breathlessly laughing and shaking his head. He loved Flirty Rae. He bumped his shoulder playfully into her’s before speaking, rising out of his seat,

“Gonna go get a shower, be back now,”

He kissed her gently on the top of her head before leaving for his bathroom. Ready to wash away the evidence.   
—————————————————————————————————————————————  
Time was a great healer, or so they say. But Finn was an impatient man, and as time seemed to go on; everything was slowly becoming undone. And there was only so much a plaster could cover. He and Rae were curled up on the couch, her legs were sprawled out beside her and her head were snuggled into his side. His hand trailed up and down absentmindedly, the two cosy from their bath and the fresh pajamas. Warm from the dryer. 

Finn could not pay attention to the television, his mind fully set on Orla. He wondered what she were doing or where she was. He checked his phone, again, and nothing. But before he could put it down, it rang out and he checked the ID; it being unknown number but one from the area, 

“Hello?”

_“Is that Finn? Kin to Orla O'shea?”_

Finn now sat up, his touch slipping from Rae; who sat up and frowned at him,

“Yeah, this is he,”

_“I was ringing to inform you that Miss O'Shea has been brought in to us and you are needed at Stamford General,”_

Finn felt his throat grow dry and his heart begin to beat thunderously in his chest. The worst running wild throughout his mind,

“What’s happened? I-is she ok?”

The pause the woman took on the other line was the longest Finn had ever listen to. He itched to tell her, demand even, to hurry up with the news. But she did not give anything away and simply stated, the grave tone making him shudder,

_“I think it’s best you come down,”_


	42. Chapter 42

His feet pounded against the floor, squeaking against the glossy material. His clothes bopped up and down heavily upon his skin. Rae hot on his heels. He was earned a few looks from passing nurses. He did not care that there was a chance he was going to be kicked out or arrested for stepping on to hospital grounds, he needed to see his best friend. His eyes continually glanced for each sign before he came across the final one, a sharp left was made and he slowed; along with Rae,

“Are you, Finn?”

Asked a older nurse with a kind face, the voice matching the one from the phone. He moved over to the desk and panted,

“Yeah, yeah, I am! Can you please tell me what’s happened?!”

He choked. Feeling fresh tears put a strain on his throat. The nurse rose from her seat and he could feel the dread wash over him, he daren’t look behind him. For that’s where she was, a few feet away,

“I think it’s best you sit down,”

“No!” Finn demanded, “I want to know here and now!”

It was apparent the nurse was taken aback by Finn’s tones, Rae could only apologise with a look behind his back. The nurse sighed and gave in, seeing he was about to bounce around the room. Restless energy shaking his knees,

“Miss O'Shea was brought in by a man, went by the name of Kendo? Said he found her, she has had several stab wounds and well, it’s a miracle she even made it here. We’ll need to keep her in for a couple of nights, for observation.”

Never, in all of Finn’s years of living on this Earth did he feel such an anger. He felt that familiar pressure come harshly down upon his chest, pooling downwards and churning his stomach. He felt more tears run down his cheeks, he could not seem to stop crying. He took a deep breath and putting his hands over his mouth, shutting his eyes and exhaling as he got himself together. He re opened them, turning to Rae and pulling out a ten spot,

“Go get two coffees and some bits and pieces as we’re gonna be here a while,”

Rae, still seven shades of shocked, nodded and left. Unable to muster up anything else. Finn watched her leave, right up until the moment all that could be seen was the ALL STARS sign on the back of her shoe. He then put away his wallet as he swiftly turned his gaze to the open hospital room door. He knew Orla was fine, so, what was stopping him from moving? What was he afraid of? 

He hyped himself up before  he felt an imaginary boot press on his arse. He marched forward, feeling his legs wobble and threaten to give way. He stopped in the door way, the only happy thing was the room was a private suite. For he did not have to bare any emotion to anybody else but Orla. He stepped in, getting a better peek as the upper half to her body was blocked by the en-suite bathroom. He peered round, craning his neck and he whimpered,

“Oh, Orla,”

As soon as he stepped fully into the room, she too began to cry. She held out her arms and he almost threw himself at her. He was not sure whether it was the heavy duty pain killers that were making her cry and pine for a cuddle - Finn was just grateful she didn’t get up and boot him in the mouth. He spoke too soon, for Orla pulled back, grimaced and landed a clean smack across his face. The force knocked him a little and he kept his face to the left as she seethed through snot and tears,

“How dare you come here! How dare you show your face, knowing what you’ve done!”

“Orla,” He looked at her, holding back more tears, “Of course I was going to come, you’re my best friend!”

“Bullshit,” She snapped, folding her arms and ignoring the blinding pain in her left side, “You only came because you felt guilty, you are so fucking selfish!”  
She then hissed, clutching onto her side. Six stitches on the left, two on the right of her abdomen and seven on her right shoulder. Strange places to be stabbed, but then again surviving was more of a focus than where her attacker decided to slice and dice. Finn, alarmed, leaned forward and offered a hand but it was smacked away by Orla - who spoke of not needing his help. He sat back, hope deflating. He gave Orla a once over and he could feel his bottom lip tremble. She had a running of fresh red seeping through the large dressing that had been wrapped around her chest and stomach, the padding that occupied her right shoulder also seeped - he was never going to look at roses the same again. He sniffed and whimpered, looking down at his fumbling hands. Orla dare not look at him, for she could feel her heart sag heavily in her chest upon hearing him. Seeing him would kill her. 

“Tell me what you want me to do,” Finn spoke, now looking up with shining tears glimmering along the brim of his eyes, “Tell me what I can do for you to forgive me,”

He was avoiding asking how she ended up here. Delaying it for as long as he could. Orla was unsure on what he could actually do, for there was so much to fix and there was not enough plasters to go around. For many years now, Finn and Orla believed they were each other’s platonic soul mates. To have a soul mate was not all about romance, for it was somebody that understood you on another level. Somebody who when you meet you do not feel butterflies, but you feel calm. Somebody who does not complete you, but somebody who helps you find the missing pieces and helps you complete yourself. 

And that was what Orla was to Finn. She sighed, shaking her head,

“I don’t know, Finn, I don’t know if I can I mean look,” She sniffed, before she then showed him the finger print darkening marks on her arms, “ _You_ did this to me, never would I ever have thought you’d hurt me and I don’t know if it’s forgivable,”

He reached one hand forward, his mouth opening and closing in speechless mouthing of the mouth. His hand briskly stroked the marks before he sat back. He could’ve swore he didn’t grab her that hard, well evidently he did. He had a sudden flash back to the hotel and seeing those exact same marks on Rae…  
He truly was a monster. Monsters did not haunt your dreams or hide under your bed, they wore a crooked smile and smelt of cigarettes. Finn hunched over before he ran a rough hand through his hair, his knees began to shake and he sat back up. He was now begging her,

“Please, Orla, please. I will do anything,”

“Anything? Like,” She pouted, shrugging as she looked around before back to him, ”Say, seeing this as a wake up call?”

He knew exactly what was meant by this and he did not hesitate to say,

“Done. Fuck all these people, fuck ‘em. All I need is for you to be ok a-and for _us_ to be ok, and if that means leaving all of that behind, then consider it done,” He then took her hand in his, shifting in his seat slightly, “You are my best friend, Orla, have been for so long. No, fuck best friends you’re my family. You always have been, fuck Archie, Kendo and the rest of them, it’s you and it has always been about you. The fact that I even touched you makes me want to be physically sick… God,” He sighed, looking down, “You must really hate me,”

“I don’t hate you,” He looked up at this, his eyes lit up with hope but soon darkened with fear as she stated, “I’m just disappointed you turned into everything you said you would no longer be, tomorrow I want you to take the rest of that shite in the flat right back to Billy, I want you around the house more and I want that graft phone gone. It’s time to grow up, Finn, all of this gangster bullshit is going to catch up with you and what use are you to me if you’re behind bars, rotting away in a jail cell,”

He went to let out a little giggle, but all traces of laughter were non existent upon seeing how serious she was. He told her it was done and he could feel he was not forgiven, he was not sure he would ever be fully forgiven - the only reason she had gave him another chance is because she needed him more than he needed her. Or so he thought, for it was in fact the other way around - Finn needed Orla. And, once again, Orla was the big sap who was giving in. But she was going to make him suffer, make him regret the day he ever lay his hands on Orla O'Shea. She gave him a once over before admitting the defeat and saying,

“I’m sorry for shouting at you, you are right and you are single. Just do me a favour and please don’t hurt, Rae, keep it away from her as although you aren’t together she won’t see it like that,”

Before anything could be said on Finn’s behalf the click of the door was heard and in wandered Rae, two coffees in hand and a plastic, WHSmith bag looped over her arm. She dropped the things on to the little tray before launching herself at Orla, pulling her into a bear hug. It was only broken because Orla let out a hiss, which Rae apologised profusely over - cheeks tinted red. Rae could not ask quick enough about what happened and Finn now was interested, curious. 

It was explained that Orla had gone out for a couple of drinks down Peterborough ways with some old friends - which Finn was dying to snap about how he had warned her not to wander down there. As she went outside to ring a taxi, her signal was shite in the actual bar itself, she was dragged down an alley, stabbed, and robbed of her phone and purse - Kendo then wandered out to see where she got to and here she now were. Finn made a note to ring Kendo as soon as he left the hospital. Rae read Finn’s mind and asked did she get a look at the attacker, but much to her own luck it was too dark.

Finn felt like this may have been the worst time to prove he was going to change, for he wanted to drive to Peterborough and search every crack den in the area. For only smackheads stole. Rae could feel the anger radiating off of Finn’s skin and so to defuse the tension, she grabbed the plastic bag and opened it to display a colourful variety of confectionery. 

As the two girls chatted about something or other, Finn excused himself - speaking of needing a cigarette. Orla piped up not to rub it in, she was not allowed out for one, and Finn tossed her a smirk over his shoulder before leaving. He wandered down the corridor, suddenly exhausted from the overwhelming emotions that swirled around his mind.

He eventually made it outside and the cool, whispy air tickled his cheeks and teased his nose. He looked around before finding a corner, he leaned his back against the brick wall and slowly slid to the floor with a thud. Ignoring the granite of brick scraping against his jacket. He did not bother with the cigarette. He simply bent his knees upwards and placed his arms loosely over them, tilting his head back and closing his eyes - the cold air calmed the heat radiating from both his anger and stifling warm skin.

First to go was his lip. Then his eyes as they screwed tighter. Finally, he let go. He began to cry, his body shuddering as each sob was louder than the last. His face contorted and he brought his fist down to beside him as he bashed it against the wall - he could already feel the crimson ooze from the wound. 

He put his hand over his face, tears smothered across his cheeks and his cries slowly turned hysterical. But he did not care who heard him. Although he had previously cried, those were empty tears - for he cried simply because he felt the situation was sad but he did not feel sad himself. It did not sink in for him, not until now and the reality of how much she had almost slipped from his grip had now settled in; setting up camp in his mind. 

He felt a sudden anger and he gripped at his hair, gritting his teeth and letting out a strangled roar. He needed to find this guy, he needed to hunt him down for that guy was waving the red flag and Finn needed to charge. But he couldn’t, his behaviour the reason why they were there. Whether Orla went down Peterborough out of spite, that was not the point. As, if Finn had not had lay his hands on her then she would not be here and he was ready to take full responsibility.

He could not let that man walk free. He roughly yanked his phone from his pocket, opening it and searching his contacts. He pressed call and sniffed up, harshly wiping away his tears with the back of his sleeve,

“It’s me, I need a favor,”

Although he had agreed to behave, that did not necessarily mean other people couldn’t do it for him.


	43. Chapter 43

Finn hissed, dropping the metal buckle from his grip. The seat belt slung back, almost smacking him in the process. If it wasn’t for his joyous mood or the clear sky then he would’ve lost his temper. He put the car into motion, blasting the air conditioner and the radio. A popular tune came on and he found himself wriggling in his seat; itching to have a dance. It was a popular wavy club song called “Dancing” By a man called Eats Everything. It was the remix and it made Finn want to pick everyone up, and head on out to the nearest beer garden - followed by a rave scene to end the night.

He glanced briefly at the vibrant, beautifully displayed bouquet of calla lilies in the passenger seat - the flower of new beginnings. His fingers clicked and his head bopped, the rhythm was so infectious. Maybe after seeing Orla in hospital, he could pop out for a few. It was a Saturday after all, and also he needed to celebrate being a new man. A new leaf had been turned and a new chapter was about to be read.

He turned the music up higher, it had reached just a touch deafening and Finn let out a cheer. He felt good today. He had slept well and his belly was full. Something big was on the horizon, big and better. Positivity was the key, it was just how long could he keep this act of happiness up - for his switch in moods was as quick as the sun switching to rain. 

He pulled up to Rae’s, lowering the volume and his window,

“Alright, missus!” He beamed. She giggled and shook her head as she made her way over. Finn lifted the flowers from the seat, placing them into his lap as he awaited for Rae,

“You’re in a good mood,” She smiled, climbing into the car and shutting the door. 

“Well,” He shrugged, handing over Orla’s flowers, “The sun is shining and I have my favourite girl with me,”

He grinned at her before putting the car into motion, completely missing the natural blush that suddenly dusted across the apple of her cheeks - the white of the lilies canceling out the red to her skin. His comment and how good he looked warmed her insides, even being naked could not cool her down. He wore a plain white tee, the short sleeves were rolled up and gave a teasing peek at his muscles - a pair of black wayfarers occupied the bridge of his nose,

“I’m your favourite girl?” Rae teased.

Even underneath the black glasses could Rae see the flirtatious smolder,

“Always.”

He sped the car down the streets and Rae giggled, shouting his name as he drove way past the speed limit. He laughed along and continued to wriggle in his seat along to the beat. Rae loved playful Finn, this mood she had not seen him in for a while and she was going to take advantage; bathe in his inner sunshine and let it pour over her skin. Basking in his happiness,

“I have some news,” He glanced at her, letting out a laugh, “Don’t look at so scared, it’s good news. You are now looking at just a club owner, who has officially got rid of his graft phone and somebody who now gives kids lessons in boxing instead of an underground boxer,”

She looked at him, face glowing at the news,

“Really? So, no more fights?”

“Nope,”

“And no more selling?”

“Nope, the phone’s gone and I just have the one now. I’m a free man, Rae,”

Although she did not believe entirely what she was hearing, for she had heard similar promises before, she was content and she told him she was proud of him. Because she was and just like her bathing in his sunshine, he bathed in the feeling of her pride. They shared a warm smile, filled with equal amount of love on both parts, and turned their attention to ahead. Finn then asked how would she feel about going The Vaults after they had been the hospital and Rae could not say yes quicker, her lips pining for a tequila with ice. 

They said nothing further for the remainder of the journey, the sweltering heat helped the two lose the ability to care for conversation. 

They had never been more grateful to get out of a car, the air conditioner could not mask the warmth of the premature summer sun. Rae carefully cradled the flowers, passing them to Finn as she climbed out. She reached in for her bag before re appearing, to be greeted by a grinning Finn. He locked the car and the two headed on inside, a fresh batch of sweat beaded upon their foreheads. They could not wait to be at The Vaults, a sun umbrella and a drink would do them nicely.

Finn muttered under his breath as he looked up at each sign, trying to remember what floor and what room. They decided to take the elevator, Rae was grateful for this as when they were here yesterday Finn had opted that the stairs would be quicker. Rae was happy to give her legs a rest as they still ached from taking the steps two at a time. 

She was surprised to see George standing outside of Orla’s room, eyes constantly surveying the place. Rae asked Finn lowly what was he doing there, her tone disapproving,

“Relax, Rae, he’s just doing me a favour. Nothing else, I promise.”

She rolled her eyes before quickly smiling as they approached him, his greeting was just as brief as their’s. Rae felt a little disheartened at Finn’s lack of communication with George, for although she disliked that Finn was somewhat still involved with him; he deserved more than just a head nod. But this was Finn proving a point that George was there as a favour, nothing more.

Rae followed Finn in to the suite and chose to be the first to give the doped-up Orla a hug, her eyes drooped from the painkillers. Although Finn hated to think it, he was kind of relieved she was so dosed up - for the visit would be short and they could soon be at the pub. The heat in the room beyond suffocating. 

Finn took up the bed as his seat, letting Rae take up the chair. He wasn’t kidding when he thought the visit would be short, for Orla was so drugged they could barely get a straight word out of her - mix in the high temperatures and Orla was barely conscious. As Finn wrapped up the conversation, Rae glanced briefly around the room and inwardly smiled. The place was filled with a colourful display of balloons, sweets, flowers, cards, etc. It looked like the inside of a card shop,

“You look knackered, Orla, we’re gonna let you get some rest. George is outside if you need anything, I’ll be back later to see how you’re getting on,”  
Although it was apparent that Orla wanted them to stay, her eyes could barely be kept open and her mouth were too dry to speak; unable to protest. She accepted their goodbyes and asked, groggy and rather slowly,

“Could you pass me that water? I’ve been trying to get it but I can’t move,”

She attempted somewhat of a laugh before hissing, clutching her stomach. Finn could only nod and hand her the water, he could not stay in the room any longer; for it hurt him to see her like this. The adrenaline from yesterday had faded, her body now feeling the full effect of pain - it doubling from the delay.

 "Need anything else before I go?“

She shook her head and could feel herself nodding off. She could barely muster up a goodbye, Rae itched to joke about the medication - asking could she have some. They bid their final goodbye and the two left her, passing George a brief exchange on their way out.

Used to the familiarity of his touch, as they headed down the white-washed corridor Finn threw his arm around Rae nonchalantly. He felt a sudden feeling of calm, like when you would watch the sunrise and listen to nothing but the morning chirp and cheer of the birds. Their hips bumped lightly and their bodies moved as one. He swallowed his filthy words he threatened to speak, something he always wanted to do around her, and she watched out of the corner of her eye as his Adam’s apple bopped prominently within his throat. What was he nervous about?

He moved his arm from her and she missed his touch instantly. He pressed the lift button and placed on his sunglasses, he ran a hand through his untamed hair; messing it up a little more. He really needed a trim,

"Soooo…” He sucked his teeth as he looked around, “Pub?”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————  
The plan to head on to The Vaults had not gone as exactly planned, for everybody but Finn and Rae did not have drinking money - and opted for a few cans and to sit in Archie’s back garden. The place was alive, a BBQ and a small paddling pool occupied the average sized garden. It was apparent Archie’s parents took great pride within the place, for it was striving with tulips, coronations, beautiful greenery, etc.

A hand carved, large decking was set at the end of the narrow garden - it occupied with iron garden chairs and a round, flower patterned table. Finn currently sat on a fishing chair, feet bare and cooling off in the pool. Chop manned the barbecue, Izzy dangling off of his arm - apparently they had been sleeping together for a while now. Archie sat upon one of table chairs, speaking intimately with a local boy named Ben - Archie had now came out just a week ago.

There had been so much going on in Finn’s life, he had forgotten about the others. He was relieved to be sat here, for it had been so long since they had done this. A feeling of nostalgia overcame him, he was in his prime and yet he felt as if the good days had come and go so quickly. But they hadn’t, they were just around the corner. 

Finn became his usual recluse self, sitting on the side and quietly observing - taking advantage of the peace for he was unsure how long it would last. For it was them, and they all didn’t do peace; not for long. He looked over at Rae, she stood with Chloe by the back door - the two chatting animatedly about what each other had missed recently. 

His smile fell as a familiar face wandered through the house. It was that Justin Bieber wannabe Trevor. This was the real test, and Finn secretly knew Rae had purposely invited the skinny prick to see how far she could push him. Finn shifted in his seat slightly as Trevor gave Rae bear hug, he was even annoyed when the lad introduced himself to Chloe. 

Finn rose from his seat, stepping out of the pool and shaking out the extra water from his feet. He wandered on over and he could see out of the corner of his eye that Rae cringed ever so slightly; silently warning him to behave. He gave Trevor a tiger’s grin, offering out his hand,

“I’m Finn, nice to meet you, mate,”

“Trevor,”

Finn’s hand clamped around Trevor’s nimble one and gave it a little tug before he pulled himself back. Rae was expecting Finn’s wildfire temper to appear, this one small meeting starting it off. It would be loud and obliterate anything within it’s path, not ending until it was satisfied or down right exhausted. But nothing happened, Finn simply excused himself and headed on inside - searching for the toilet.

Rae awaited for him to leave before she let out a sigh of relief, looking at Trevor; who currently leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed. He caught Rae’s sigh and laughed,

“You gonna tell him am gay any time soon?”

“What?” She snorted, ignoring Chloe’s disappointed shoulder droop upon hearing he was gay, “And miss out on all the fun?”

Trevor shook his head, giggling quietly. He then leaned in and looked around, quietly asking,

“So, which one’s Archie?”

Rae glanced towards her friend and told Trevor who, he liked what he saw - which he commented on. He jumped down from the step, scooped a beer from the cooler and excused him - the two girls giggled at his cocky demeanor. Chloe’s laughter faltered and she looked at Rae,

“I have missed you, you know. We’re gonna have to catch up properly soon!”

“I know, how about we go for a Sally’s next week?”

“It’s a plan!”

“Just make sure it’s not next Wednesday,”

The girls looked to see Finn, who had now appeared. Chloe frowned and asked why,

“Cause Wednesday’s our day,”

He slipped his arm around Rae’s shoulders, kissing her upon the top of her head. Seeing Chloe was now glowing green, Finn then asked,

“Couldn’t do us a favour and chuck us a beer, Chlo?”

There was no point in Chloe even protesting or sarcastically snapping what did his last slave die of, she huffed and turned; bending down and grabbing him a cold one. He and Rae looked at one another, eyes; warm and smiles; kind. Finn then glanced over the top of her head and over to a specific, quiffy haired boy. 

“Can I ask you two something?” Chloe questioned, handing Finn his beer. The cosied up two tensed upon hearing this, Finn’s touch slipped away and Rae was grateful,

“What ever happened to going to see The 1975? I know you had tickets and well I didn’t see any pictures on instagram…”

The two just shrugged, relieved it was nothing but a curious comment - nothing too prying. Rae just explained about how it clashed with Mitch’s funeral, but she did not exactly word it like that. It was more an awkward, “It happened… When… _You know_ ,” And that is when Finn excused himself once again. Heading over to the BBQ and seeing what was on offer,

“How has he been, since it all?” Chloe asked, trying to be as sensitive as she could. Rae was unsure of how Finn had been, too frightened to bring it up. And Finn was a fucker to try and read, for some people had a shield up as where Finn had the Great Wall. Rae opted for an “He’s doing better than what I expected.”

And it was left at that.


	44. Chapter 44

Finn had ran to the morning, his nightmares chasing him as they haunted him. He walked within his own demonic shadows, for he was scared of what the light held. Feeling the power in his own hands. Days like this, he felt like a wasted soul. A hologram of skin and bones. He would remind himself that there was simply just a chemical imbalance within his horrible mind and what he was feeling was completely normal, wanting to ride the highs and mute the darkening lows. 

His days became a routine of getting up, wandering to the kitchen and sleepily searching his medicine cabinet for his tablet. He’d knock it back with a cold glass of water and grip the sink as he wondered why he was like this. He would then wander to the shower, where’d he stare at the wall. He would then lay on his bed in nothing but a towel. He was beginning to miss the thrill of going to the darker side of town, the adrenaline of holding a gun. He missed the distraction, because now he had time to think.

His phone chirped and he sat up, looking at the bedside table. He picked up his phone and a sudden sunshine illuminated the room - his skin suddenly warm and his bones no longer cold upon seeing her name. It was only something small, asking about whether had he left for the hospital yet. But it was enough to shoo away the dark dog. He replied and set his phone back down, he lay himself back onto the bed and the loneliness crept back in. He hated himself for fucking things up with Rae, he was another man who had broken her heart because he could not handle Mondays. 

He was a hypocrite, he often reminded Rae to avoid the unhappy people in her life. The people who would abuse her kindness and take advantage of the size of her heart; taking pieces of it and making it smaller as the days went on. He told her to pity them and move on. But when he became one of those people; he told her to stay. Told her to wallow in the sadness he would often hurl at her. And he knew he was being selfish, a coward for not facing the demons on his own. For he should not be chasing them, he should welcome them; invite them in for a cup of tea as some aren’t as scary as what he imagined. Some were simply there to teach him a lesson.

It was exhausting being him. And since he was so tired of being himself, he could not imagine how tired Rae must have been - for she had to carry her own problems upon her shoulders and now his too.   
———————————————————————————————————————————————–  
Rae was grateful for the lashing rain outside, for she was starting to grow sick of her clothes sticking to her skin. She was sat in work, along with Chloe who had popped in with lunch for them all. Rae was currently munching on a tuna melt, the men chewed their own thing and Chloe attempted to enjoy her colourful salad - her stomach growling at seeing the cheese drip from Rob’s meatball sub. 

The little group felt all cosy and had to admit, they missed winter. They would happily take the tacky sweaters and curling their fingers around a mug of hot chocolate over the unbearable heat. Most people would. British people didn’t do well with sunshine. They all giggled and gabbed, tormenting each other and tossing banter back and forth. 

Rae’s phone rang out and she placed her sandwich down, licking the excess off of her finger and thumb before picking up,

“Iya, how is she?”

Chloe and the two boys shared a secretive glance between one another as Rae chatted away on the phone. They still highly disapproved of the strange friendship between Rae and Finn, even Trevor - after being filled in by Rob - had formed an opinion after just a week. His sister had been in a similar situation herself, and he had spoken about how it would only end in tears and tatters. Well, he said it to Rob. He would not dare say it to Rae’s face, for it would like kicking a puppy. 

She hung up and asked Chloe,

“Chlo, how do you fancy a sleepover with everyone at Finn’s tonight?”

“What’s the catch?”

“He wants us to set up banners and balloons for Orla as she’s home tomorrow,”

Chloe was not entirely convinced. Which was apparent with the look she gave. Rae threw her own look, now begging her friend to stay. Chloe stressed that she felt like something was amiss, and Rae defended Finn - saying it was merely just a favour. Eventually, Chloe came to and agreed to stay - on the terms that she wanted vodka. Rae was more than happy to comply, simply relieved that she could have at least one friend there - in case the others said no.

As their late lunch came to a close and a sudden rush of people came in, Chloe bid her goodbyes over the sudden crowd of people that gathered around the shelves. 

Chloe felt bittersweet that sunshine had suddenly split the seams of the clouds, opening up and chasing away the rain. The only downside was her jeans were now clinging to her skinny legs. She headed on to The Vaults where Chop, Archie and Izzy awaited her - for they decided to all gather there and await Finn and Rae. Archie and Chop were off from work and Izzy was the same but with Uni. 

She liked these three, but in all honestly she missed the thrill of Kendo, George and Mitch. She missed the danger and the eyes that would constantly glance towards their table, frightened of a dangerous outburst. The three that were sat, waiting for her, were boring in total honesty. A vodka with coke was waiting for her and she thanked Archie as she sat down. Now, Chloe had nothing against Archie being gay but she saw his good looks were a waste if he were batting for the other team - a little miffed that he was the only good looking lad in the group she could go for and now that opportunity had been taken away.

By the time the fourth round was bought, six o'clock rolled around and Chloe excused herself; speaking of needing a smoke and wanting to meet Rae outside. Her legs felt a little loose and her movements were bordering on slurred. She walked outside and took a sloppy seat upon one of the many empty wooden benches in the beer garden, her body sitting down with a heavy thud. The fresh air pulsed the alcohol through her veins. She placed the orange tip between her vodka stained lips and her hand shook slightly as she lit her cigarette,

“What you doing out here?”

Spoke a voice. She’d know it from anywhere. It was the voice that had calmed her for so long, her body relaxing almost instantly upon hearing. Her lips drooped into a smile as Finn came into view, taking a seat opposite her. For a change, there was not a shift in tension - the two had formed a fondness for one another. Deciding to quit the pettiness and simply be friends. She held up her carton of cigarettes and he declined pulling out one of his own and lighting it in one swift movement. And there was her heart coming alive again,

“Where’s Rae?”

And there was it pummeling again with disappointment. Chloe shrugged, 

“Dunno, she was supposed to be here a while ago actually,”

That was a lie and Chloe spoke of it to wind him up a little - unable to stop the small smirk upon seeing him shift slightly. Him uncomfortable with Rae being late. He said nothing further, just let his eyes wander - hoping to get a glimpse of their raven haired friend. Chloe flicked the ash from her toxins and eyed him from her lashes, wondering what was troubling that complicated mind,

“Am glad I’ve got you on your own actually, Finn,”

“Oh yeah?”

His eyebrows raised and a cheeky little smile danced on the corners of his mouth. But it soon dropped when he saw Chloe’s eyes fill up,

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

She couldn’t keep it in. The burden of her secret weighed her shoulders down, like two rocks tied to her arms and taking her further and further into darkness. She sighed, quickly wiping away the sudden tears,

“Remember a while back and you picked Rae up, from the doctor’s when she went with me?”

“Yeah?” His tone was careful, curious as to where she was going with this.  
She now threw away her cigarette in a huff. Her eyes flickered downwards and she began to nervously play with her nails,

“And remember… Oh, God,”

She had now placed her elbows upon the table, head down and hands placed on either side of her head. She couldn’t look at him but she had to do it, it was now or never and she may have been seen as spiteful for bringing it up but she could not live with herself any longer. He had to know. She hyped herself up, taking a deep breath before she nodded. She lifted her head and stated,

“I lied, Finn, you didn’t pull out. I went the doctor’s that time because… Well… I was pregnant an-”

“Am gonna stop you there,” He too now threw away his cigarette and rose out of his seat, “Not now, Chloe, I know exactly what you are gonna say and believe me I don’t wanna hear it. What you did… It makes me sick but you know what? It’s done and neither of us can change it,” His voice wavered, images of nappies and dummies running through his mind, “And I’m sorry I wasn’t there,”

And now that did take her by surprise. What took her even more by surprise was how calm he was being. But she was grateful that the table hadn’t been flung across the beer garden and he hadn’t tried to strangle her. As he went to speak, the three trio appeared from inside; and Rae appeared from the corner. He sent them all a smile before whispering, 

“I’m sorry," 

Chloe quickly wiped the tears away before smiling at everyone as they all gathered, she rose out of her seat and exchanged a hug with Rae. Izzy handed Chloe her bag and told her that they better be getting a move on if they wanted to get to the card shop in time and although Rae was thirsty for a snake bite - she agreed. Orla’s smile and making it the best welcome home gift more important.

As they all began to walk to the car, chatting happily; a drop could be felt upon Rae’s nose. Followed by a couple of more upon Izzy’s curly mess of red. Eventually the heaven’s opened. They all looked at one another, excluding Chloe as she was too busy worrying about her hair, and all of their smiles pooled outwards. Archie and Chop took to pushing each other and messing about, Izzy and Rae screamed and ran through puddles and Finn just stood there. He tilted his head back with his eyes closed, the natural shower washed over and he let the water wash away the dirt that was his sadness. His ears pricked up as he listened to the sound of Converse squelching, his skin tingled as he tuned in to the feel of droplets as they raced down his cold and clammy skin. His nose twitched as the smell of damp pavement surrounded him.

He did not care for the reality that would follow closely behind the sunshine. He did not care that a heavy cold would be the aftermath of standing out here so long. All he cared about was this moment, the hydration of the water refreshing him. He felt brand new. This, this moment is what his dad used to talk about - when he would tell him his twenties would be the best years of his life. 

He lowered his head and opened his eyes to see chaotic goodness as they all ran around like teenagers - even Chloe had now joined in. His ever growing fringe was now stuck to his forehead, water droplets flickering down and splashing his cheeks; curling off of his nose. He let out loud laughter as he watched Archie lose his footing and fall on his already soaked arse cheeks, Chop had to lay on the ground he was in that much bulk of laughter.

There was one thing that he did not like about this, Rae being outside and her weak immune system. For it was a lot more delicate than his. He itched to tell her to get inside his car, but obviously it would be seen as a little weird that he was telling just her - in fact it would be more than weird. It’d be bordering on controlling and that wasn’t Finn anymore. 

Instead, he opted to run across and pull her into him. She let out a squeal and asked what he was doing, he just smiled and began to move her body with his - the two waltzed in time to the lashing rain against the tarmac. The rain was their music and the gang was their audience. They moved quick and swift, Finn kept her tightly to him. Rae’s cheeks grew redder and her embarrassed laughter grew louder, but Finn just kept smiling and humming to whatever tune was in his mind. Finn did not have time to be laughing along with her, for he was too busy cherishing her touch and the moment he was sharing with her.

There was something brewing from his toes, it pushing it’s way upwards like toothpaste being rolled from the bottom of the tube. It grew faster at an alarming pace, it’s warmth was a sudden change in contrast compared to his shivering skin. There was many things Finn could not make sense of in his life, but Rachel Earl was the one thing he understood above anything. Her body was his home and he was no longer a guest, but the uncertainty of it not being permanent frightened him. He did not want to find another home in somebody else. 

Rae was all that mattered. 

But as Finn danced with Rae, he looked over and saw Chloe; a sudden sadness overwhelmed him. She had to go through that alone. Fair enough she had Rae, but he could not imagine how frightened she must have felt - and suddenly he felt his hatred for Chloe disappear completely. He now had another girl to take under his ever growing wing. His mind drifted and he wondered; would the little one have had his brown or Chloe’s green? His nose or her lips? He sighed before turning his attention to Rae, forcing a smile before twirling her around.

The rain grew heavier, and their clothes weighed them down. But they did not care, for their souls felt lighter than ever. But like all good things, it had to come to an end and when the first sneeze came from Izzy; Chop let out a little giggle and said,

"Come on, let’s get the Clinton’s before it shuts,”


	45. Chapter 45

“I don’t want to go,” He muttered into her neck. She said nothing, her words wedged tightly within her throat. He nuzzled his face into her neck and exhaled deeply, holding back the tears. Goosebumps prickled her skin, wondering whether this would be the last time she would ever feel his beating heart against her’s, whether she would feel the warmth of his hug. 

Rae tilted her head back, the feather feeling of light rain washed over her pale skin; like thousands of Angels kissing her face. She sighed heavily, “I know," That was her way of saying she didn’t want him to go either. Time measured nothing for Finn had been with somebody for three, miserable years and it felt meaningless; but two months with Rachel Earl? Carried more than it’s weight in invisible gold. She coloured his days in hues he did not even know existed. Her silhouette under the moonlight was pure fire, her attitude solid gold and her words forever dancing and pirouetting around the goosebumps along his skin.

He exhaled shakily, curling his arms around her tighter. She closed her eyes, tuning in to the feel of his tight hold. If she had to choose between the feeling of his embrace to breathing, then hold her closer. Cut off her oxygen. His hand snaked it’s way up her back, resting at the finish line of her hair. He lightly fisted the raven between his fingers, apple shampoo and strands like silk. The curve of her breasts caressed his chest.

"Rae?” He asked, his voice small.

“Hmmm?”

“I love you,” He didn’t say it as something passive, blase. He did not say it as something to fill the silence, frightened to be in his own quiet. He said it, because he meant it. He did not hold his breath, hoping she would say it back. Because she never did, “I love you’s” Were not Rae’s style, not because she was pretending to play it cool or because she felt it to be polite but because once she said I love you - that’s when the big stuff came along. 

She shifted in his arms slightly, her lips parting in a breathless but stern whisper;  the words rolling off of her tongue as if she had preached it religiously,

“I love you too.”

 _ **36 hours earlier…**_  
“No, Archie, it’s too high,” Rae scolded. Archie then whined about how _his arms were killing_ and about how _Orla would be so doped up; she will not care whether the banner is a little wonky._ But Rae had not spent seven hours creating it, missing valuable sleep and being still covered in glitter may she add, for it be skewif. 

The room was a colourful array of streamers, balloons and glitter. Lots of glitter. A display of the vibrant-est of pinks and the mellowest of yellows created a happy vibe; it rumbled through the floors and buzzed throughout their smiles. There were no greys or looming blacks; the rainbow had chased them away. Balloons scraped along the floor, dragging the weight behind them as they floated throughout the group and the lucky escapees bopped along the ceiling. 

Izzy and Chloe, who had opted to getting out of the banner duties and offered to put away things, were finishing up with the last blanket. Well, more Izzy; Chloe was too busy eyeing the endless amount of glass bottles that decorated the counter in pretty, liquid, amber and funny, blue, stuff. Once seeing Izzy had put it away did Chloe then wander, getting a head start. She called out what did everyone want, Izzy and Chop had asked for vodka, the others beer and Rae; a water - earning a quick look from Chloe.

“What time’s Finn back?” Asked Archie, who stepped down from the opposite ladder to Trevor’s. He shook his arm out, moving his shoulder in a circular motion. Rae shook her sleeve back a little, revealing a black and rose gold watch,

“Urm… Should be soon actually," 

She was handed her water and looked over at Trevor, briefly glancing as she watched him head for the spliff box - unaware that Finn had told the lad to help himself. Through pursed lips, of course. Rae would like to have stepped in, but she had to remind herself that Finn was not her boyfriend and what people did with his spliff box was no concern of her’s.

Chloe captured Rae with some form of conversation, but was soon interrupted when the noise of keys brought everyone too - hushing and shushing to be heard. They all held their breath, inhaling as the word ‘Surprise’ Was ready to be screamed from the back of their throats. They all huddled tighter together, wriggling with excitement. It broke apart as the door opened, some of them coming off the ground as they yelled as Orla walked through the door.

Rae could not help but feel a niggle of annoyance at Orla’s slow reaction, forgetting the small fact she could barely see - her vision shaking and crossing one another with the dose of heavy painkillers coursing through her veins. As Orla was engulfed in hugs, Rae opted to stand beside Finn. She was just as selfish as he sometimes, unable to focus on anything but him and she hated how enchanted she was by him - for today was not about him. Today was about their friend, but even today Finn’s invisible clutches would not let go of Rae.

_God, he looked good._

"Thank you, Rae,” He whispered, “It looks amazing,”

She said nothing, well, she did not have time to for he had moved from her and over to the makeshift bar. She found herself feeling small, her sudden confidence crashing quicker than waves. How could she have thought he would have behaved any different? The ghost of her skin did not linger underneath the pads of his fingers, not like the invisible warmth of his hands that burned her sides. The ache for her lips were nothing like the desired she yearned for his. She felt so vulnerable, standing there and begging silently with her eyes for somebody to come and save her. 

Was this how it felt to be Finn’s one night stand? She wonder what his past, one night lovers were doing. Were they too, standing in a corner and feeling dirty? Did they feel as naked as she? 

She wandered over to Trevor, completely missing the piercing stare of Finn’s ever wandering eyes as they looked up from his drink and followed her about the room.  He lightly placed the scotch glass back onto the counter before turning to the fridge, he scanned the contents and grimaced at seeing he had forgot the weekly shop.

He turned to everyone and asked would a Chinese be ok.   
—————————————————————————————————————————————————  
A whopping eighty pounds of takeaway and a bottle vodka down; and now Kendo and a few others had popped round. It was just touching on ten and Orla had now been in bed for two hours - the medication wearing off and her eyelids unable to stay open meant it was bed time. Chloe was stood against the counter, impatiently glancing between the party and the little circle of three that stood beside her - listening to Kendo go on about some elaborate story. 

Kendo was chopping up four short and stumpy lines onto an old DVD case, his bank card a makeshift razor and a ten pound note a makeshift straw. Chloe perked up as Finn approached them, 

“Alright, chicken,” He mumbled to Chloe, now eyeing up how much whisky was left.   
Chloe watched as he poured out his desired amount of drink, his hands effortlessly screwing the lid back on. These, these little moments are when Chloe found him sexiest. Not necessarily Finn, just men in shirts with finely sculpted cheekbones. Whisky, a real man’s brew. The smell repulsed her, for the many one night stands she had chose for the night often stank of whisky. Chloe glanced briefly at Kendo, who was still jabbering on whilst waving the scrolled up note around - chewing Trevor and Chop’s ears off. 

“Finn, I know this was going to come up sooner or later. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for bringing it all back up, I don’t know why I did,” She looked down, forcing a snort before looking back up and sighing, “God, you must really hate me,”

He shook his head. Hate her? He never did to begin with. He thought he did, he really did but after feeling all forms of dislike float away when she had told him - he knew it wasn’t hatred. Just a miscommunication between two people,

“I could never hate you, Chloe.”

He bored into his eyes into her’s. He meant it. There were only ever three things Finn ever meant in his life;

1\. I love you’s.  
2\. Hugs.  
3\. Telling you he did not hate you.

Those were three things he knew never to ever speak or do if you weren’t going to mean it. Those three little things were something you should only ever express if you meant it, because despite many things - those things were what Finn did to show you where you stood with him. And although it had taken many months for Finn finally to admit he did not hate her, she felt it was worth the wait. 

She felt Kendo tap her shoulder, intercepting between her and Finn. Her shoulders dropped as Finn wiggled his eyebrows at her before moving into the living room. Chloe sighed before turning to Kendo and snatching the scroll.

Back with Finn and Rae was yet more clearing of the air. Well, there was about to be. Izzy had chose to turn a blind eye whilst Chop sniffed the white gold. Izzy, although a partaker in a tablet or two, disliked snorting. The white little circles or even the lego shaped tablets were a little fun, a social thing but powder? That’s when it was serious. Her back faced the kitchen, ignoring hearing Chop compliment the drugs, and she gabbed on to Finn and Rae.

Just before Finn had wandered over; Rae had begged Izzy to linger as long as she could in a hushed whisper. And once seeing Finn give Izzy a look and running out of things to say; Izzy then excused herself and wandered over to her hyperactive boyfriend,

“Rae?”

Finn spoke, lowly. Rae hummed in response, stopping as he then replied,

“Why are you being such a complete knobhead to me?”

That, was another rug pulling move by Finn Nelson. Her? Knobhead to him? She did not know where to start on telling him how it was very much him being the knobhead. Good job it was glass in her fingers and not a plastic cup; for it would’ve been scrunched and dropped to the floor. Anger scratched at her knuckles and her jaw clicked with tension; her teeth painfully grinding together,

“Me? A knobhead? You’re taking the piss,”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He frowned, everything right down to the last crow’s feet deep and prominent. 

“I’m not the one who sleeps with someone and then behaves like a sulking child,”

He felt a sudden reddening of offense burn his cheeks. He shook his head, biting his cheek. He went to snap something back when there was a knock on the door, Chop had moved over to the radio and shut it off on Finn’s command. Frowning at the rude interruption of a late guest. Rae piped up, saying she would get it. 

Everybody muttered amongst each other on who it could be and all felt their knees wobble as two officers in blue and black uniform wandered in. Kendo immediately and quietly hid the case and evidence,

“Finn Nelson?”

“Yeah?” Finn asked, curious,

“I’m Detective Warren and this is PC Harris, we have a warrant to search the place for we’ve been told there’s firearms and illegal drugs on the premise. Mind if we search the place?”

They were going to anyway and Finn knew that. Finn swallowed and told them to go for it. He barely had finished his sentence before more officers now moved in - wasting no time. The Detective stood back, along with PC Harris as they honed in on Finn with a hawk like stare. Rae had now wandered in and looked at him, clueless,

“Finn?”

He winced as he looked at the floor, hands shoved deeply within his pockets. He couldn’t look up as he heard the shuffle of following officers wander in and out of the rooms. The guests all watched the policemen with frightened stares, pupils; dark and skin; pale. But the gang’s disappointed glares did not shift from Finn, all seven shades of shocked that this was happening. 

He did finally look up and the gang did finally look away from him,

“Sir,” Spoke an officer, he could not have been any older than 25…

He wandered in, holding two large sports bags in his hands - passing them over. The Detective unzipped one bag and the PC did the other. Out was pulled endless wraps of heroin and coke, and the other filled with pistols and such. Rae silently gasped, her mouth opening as her gaze lowered to the floor - instant nausea upsetting her stomach.

“Finn Nelson, I am arresting you on possession of illegal firearms and intent to supply, you do not ha…" 

The man’s voice faded out, for Finn did not care for that. He even surrendered by putting his own hands behind his back. He looked up, his body moved left to right as the tight and cold steel clamped around his wrists. The gang were all together in the kitchen and all of them looked at him, cold. Except the person that mattered the most, he watched as the glimmer of a tear shined under the dim lamp and drop to the floor. 

It was not that Rae was upset with Finn, don’t get her wrong as she was beyond furious, but firearms and Class A were not something ever to be taken lightly and the thought of him being taken away - not being round the corner - it hurt. It rattled her bones and froze her breathing within her lungs. There was roots where her feet once were and she was cemented to the floor, invisible hands gripping her cheeks and keeping her line of vision to below.

It was a good ten minutes after every man in blue and Finn had left before everyone began to come alive again; phewing and aweing they had not been caught. But the gang did not sigh with relief, for tensions still ran high as they all stared at Rae - awaiting a reaction,

 _"I didn’t say goodbye,”_ She said in a breathless whisper,

“Rae?” Chloe frowned,

Rae now brought her eyes upwards, now frantic as she repeated her words loudly. They all shouted, panicking as she pulled herself free of their grasp and darted for the door, calling out that she didn’t say goodbye. Her voice strong compared to her tear stained cheeks and shaking hands. She almost lost her footing on the stairs, flinging herself out of the door and outside; coming on to the street and catching the glaring fluorescent red lights as they grew faint,

“Rae,” Archie wrapped his arms around her and she began to sob into his chest,

“I didn’t say goodbye, Arch, I forgot to say goodbye,”

He let her cry and let her repeat her words over and over. He let her do it in silence too, for he knew she did not need to hear how much of a knobhead Finn was for doing this. He knew that when your heart was breaking; all you needed was a cuddle. Her cries did eventually subside and only did Archie have something to say was when Rae spoke of how she knew Finn wasn’t responsible for this, how he had been framed,etc.

“Rae,” He said, stepping back, “You can’t possibly expect me to agree?” Off of her look of utter disbelief that he wasn’t on her side, he continued, “Rae, the stuff was in his flat. It was all there, that’s why he gave up so easily as he knew he had been caught,”

Rae shook her head, “No, Arch, it can’t have been because I checked all those places they said they found it earlier to make sure it was neat! I’m not going mad, I know I did and I know there wasn’t anything there!”

She pleaded for him to see reason. But he couldn’t, he looked at her with bewilderment. She couldn’t have been serious? He saw she was in fact gravely serious. She then attempted to argue her case, but he was simply too wired to hear of it - and in all honest it was below freezing and there was only so much his balls could take,

“Rae… Rae, look, you’re getting yourself all worked up. We’ll talk about this tomorrow, right now we need to get inside and just figure out what the fuck has just happened.”  
———————————————————————————————————————————————  
Twenty four hours was a long time if you spent it staring at the same four walls, not even using endless paper to try and conjure up a pathetic attempt of a letter could pass the time. But, eventually dawn broke and Finn was released. Just touching on seven. The smell of mold and jail stuck to his clothes, but changing and showering twice would have to wait.

The taxi journey took forever and he practically threw the notes at the driver, he climbed out and headed for the flat. He held his breath, his hands shaking with each stride he took. Taking the stairs two at a time. He eventually reached the flat and he bustled in, alarming the still-awake gang who all collected in the living room - even a dosed up Orla was now with them. Passed out. But no Rae and he knew if she was going to be anywhere then it would be his room.

And that’s where she was. Lying on his side of the bed, curled up and eyes bloodshot as they burned; fighting back sleep. She frowned, rising,

“Finn?”

She croaked. Before the adrenaline faded, he told her to hurry up and get dressed; for they were going on a walk. Rae did not think twice, jumping out of bed and throwing on her slippers and zip up. He took her hand and dragged her out, ignoring the amazed and shocked stares - nobody brave enough to stand up and stop them.

He did not let go of her hand the entire time, despite the sticky sweat that slithered between his palm and her’s. She did not breathe a word, too busy trying to catch her breath and keep up. Her brain was still back at the flat. Where were they going? Had they let him be free of all charges? 

They eventually reached Rutlands Park, a bench at the park to be exact. It was along the winding path that separated grass and ribbles of small stones; and it gave a teasing glimpse of a new day that poured through the narrow gap between two trees. Finn’s adrenaline was now beginning to wear off and as he offered Rae a seat, he was met with a slap to the face. He looked at her, ignoring the burning sting against his already reddening cheek.

What surprised him next was the whimper that came from her lips as she leaped forward and engulfed him into a hug. From one emotion to another, Finn felt his knees shake a little from her sudden contact - knocking him off of his feet almost. Just as he settled into the hug, he pulled back and began to argue his case before an argument had even the chance to begin, sitting them both down on the bench he then began,

“Rae, before we talk you have to listen to me when I say that, that none of that stuff in there was mine and I–”

“Finn, I know,”

“– And that although I know i- Hang on, what do you mean you know?!”

“Finn,” She breathed a smile, “I know that none of it belonged to you, in fact I even said it myself to Archie. I checked under the bed and the wardrobe and all that yesterday morning, just to make sure it was all tidy and nothing was there, someone has set you up,”

His body grew heavy against the bench with relief, she believed him. Somebody was finally willing to believe him. Rae then spoke of how also she knew it wasn’t him because he gave himself in so easily and she was proud of him for not screaming about the place. He just could not believe what he was hearing, Rae… She really was a million dollar woman. 

He wanted to smile and thank her, but that would’ve been inappropriate. Instead, he let her talk,

“So, what happens now?”

“Well,” He sighed, shrugging, “I wait for a trial, looking on a three month wait maybe earlier,”

“Can’t you plead to them, tell 'em you’ve been set up?”

“With what proof, Rae?” He scoffed, “Have you seen my history, they’d laugh in my face!”

She shook her head, chewing the inside of her cheek and biting down on any words that threatened to pipe up. She wanted to smack him again. She did not know why she did, for this wasn’t even his fault. For a change. And never had Rae felt the story 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf’ Come so alive, right before her eyes. 

“Wish we knew who it was, could send 'em an horse’s head like in that film,”  
He snorted a laugh and spoke in a dream like tone, eyes staring out into the horizon,

“Yeah… Maybe…”

There was a brief silence, but Finn broke it. As usual. He turned to her, boring his eyes into her’s as he asked; wanting to know whether she blamed the same person or he was being paranoid…

“Rae, who do you think did it?”

“Kendo,” She spoke, no hesitation and a blank stare. He felt his shoulders slump against the bench with relief once more. So, he wasn’t paranoid after all. He asked why and Rae took a moment before answering,

“Well, Kendo has always wanted Chloe. Chloe’s always wanted you, you and Chloe slept together and so Kendo started picking things off piece by piece. Just stuff we ain’t noticed, like who was the one who suggested to Orla that they go to Peterborough for a drink? Who was the one who paid Louie’s mum to come and flirt with you in the bar? Now, he’s got you. And I can’t believe you couldn’t see it. And before you ask, it was Kendo who told me about you and Chloe; and I know it was your baby but that was before me, I can’t moan about something that wasn’t while I was around,”

Everything ran through his mind, a flashing sequence and he swallowed down; grimacing at the stinging kick at the back of his throat. He did not say anything, for it was a lot to take in. How could he have been so foolish, to let someone as stupid as Kendo sneak right in under his nose? How far back had this all started, when they first met? No, it couldn’t have been. He had knew Kendo longer than he had knew Chloe. He was itching to let out a bitter laugh, how pathetic was that little weasel excuse of a man. Risking being shot all over a silly, little girl. Did Kendo not know he could have Chloe whenever he wanted? Could do whatever he pleased with her, and they had Finn’s full blessing? He wanted Rae. He only ever wanted Rae.

“Are you scared?”

He looked at her and simply told her no. It was a long time coming, a forever following black shadow that had hung over his head the past five years. Ironically he was free, everything had led up to this. The jail time would be his fresh start, he could hit the gym, keep his head down and when he would get out he could take Rae and Orla, what was left of his money and leave Stamford for good. It sounded so beautiful within his mind that it gave him butterflies… Freedom… It had a nice ring to it. 

“So, you gonna write to me or what then?”

He joked, teasingly brushing his shoulder against her’s. She giggled, lightening up herself, and told him she would write every day. Now was the moment,

“Well, let me get us started,”

He reached into his coat packet and pulled out folded up paper,

“The guards wouldn’t let me have an envelope,”

As she went to open it he told her no, he told her also to wait. Now wasn’t the time, and it may not have been then, tomorrow or even a month - but there would be a time that will come. A light, morning drizzle tickled the two and Finn spoke of how he’ll drop her off at her mum’s, she attempted to argue back - speak of how she needed her stuff. But he told her no, she needed time alone and to be with her mum.

She begrudgingly agreed, unable to help feeling a little put out. Why was he trying to get rid of her so easily. She did not care about the rain and the spiraling baby hair that perched on the edge of her hairline. She did not care that they would catch the flu and she did not care that they would eventually have to move - she just cared about him. 

They both rose and as he turned to her, he found himself stumbling a little as she threw herself at him again - bear hugging him with all her strength. He relaxed into it and curled his arms around her.

“I don’t want to go,” He muttered into her neck. She said nothing, her words wedged tightly within her throat. He nuzzled his face into her neck and exhaled deeply, holding back the tears. Goosebumps prickled her skin, wondering whether this would be the last time she would ever feel his beating heart against her’s, whether she would feel the warmth of his hug. 

Rae tilted her head back, the feather feeling of light rain washed over her pale skin; like thousands of Angels kissing her face. She sighed heavily, “I know,” That was her way of saying she didn’t want him to go either. Time measured nothing for Finn had been with somebody for three, miserable years and it felt meaningless; but two months with Rachel Earl? Carried more than it’s weight in invisible gold. She coloured his days in hues he did not even know existed. Her silhouette under the moonlight was pure fire, her attitude solid gold and her words forever dancing and pirouetting around the goosebumps along his skin.

He exhaled shakily, curling his arms around her tighter. She closed her eyes, tuning in to the feel of his tight hold. If she had to choose between the feeling of his embrace to breathing, then hold her closer. Cut off her oxygen. His hand snaked it’s way up her back, resting at the finish line of her hair. He lightly fisted the raven between his fingers, apple shampoo and strands like silk. The curve of her breasts caressed his chest.

“Rae?” He asked, his voice small.

“Hmmm?”

“I love you,” He didn’t say it as something passive, blase. He did not say it as something to fill the silence, frightened to be in his own quiet. He said it, because he meant it. He did not hold his breath, hoping she would say it back. Because she never did, “I love you’s” Were not Rae’s style, not because she was pretending to play it cool or because she felt it to be polite but because once she said I love you - that’s when the big stuff came along. 

She shifted in his arms slightly, her lips parting in a breathless but stern whisper;  the words rolling off of her tongue as if she had preached it religiously,

“I love you too.”

And there it was, Rachel Earl’s heart officially handed to him. He could break it, stand on it or even burn it - as long as he accepted it. And he did. Silently with an even tighter hug. But once they could feel emotions welling to boiling point did they pull away, both too stubborn to cave in to one another. Both too prideful to grab that hopeful light and shine it down on one another,

“Do you want walking back to your mum’s?”

She pondered on the offer, before politely declining. She needed the walk. It was moments like this she missed the old Finn, who would persist on walking her home. But, she would take walking home alone if it meant this sensitive and laid back version would stick around. Rae loved him, she had loved him more than any man. Your first love, as a young woman, is supposed to be your father but Rae’s first love did not come until she was twenty years of age and came in the form of brown eyes and a crooked grin. When he stood there, eyes warm and hands in his pockets did Rae start to realise that quiet, kind, special people come along once in a lifetime. 

“Goodbye, Rae,”

“See ya later, Finn,”

He gave a little awkward nod before turning and leaving. Rae didn’t move, her goodbye was not as final as his. Her’s spoke of hope, hope of how she would see him tomorrow. His was set in stone. What was she supposed to do now, go home? Have her breakfast? Do the dishes? The thought of normality felt more alien to her than ever. What time even was it? She checked her phone to see that it was a Wednesday, seven-thirty on the dot.

Wednesday was Rae’s favourite day. Wednesday was Finn’s favourite day. Wednesday was their day.

Of a Wednesday, there was never anything to do and if there was then it could be put off till tomorrow. Thursday was the day when reality returned and they had to burst their bubble of ignorance till they could blow another one next Wednesday. 

They never liked Thursdays

But now, there was a lot to do of a Wednesday. Wednesday’s; Finn would hit the prision gym and go to his English and Maths night classes - not that he needed to. It was something to do. And Rae still took Wednesdays off of work. It was the time she would spend reading, new books for the journalist course she had just started at the local university. Sometimes she too would hit the gym, if she had the energy.

Eight-thirty would roll around, winter early nights darkening the sky and the two would lay in bed. Their minds would drift,

 _Was he settled?_  
Had she met somebody new?  
What was the food is like?  
Does she still think of me?  
Will he still want me?

But neither bother worrying. For it would always be Rae for Finn and Finn for Rae,

Always.


	46. The Letter That Rae Never Read.

_“Rae,  
There are so many words I could write; so many I could speak but none of them would feel right or be able to fully express how you made me feel. I want to thank you, thank you for showing me how to live life again. You asked me my favourite song and before you it was a song by The Velvet Underground but now; it’s your voice. If you were to ask me my favourite smell, it was vanilla but now it’s the smell of your shampoo. You asked my favourite colour and I told you to guess, you said blue. Truthfully, I’ve never had a favourite colour and now the sky is different; as well as the blue of a pool. I could probably live in it now. Before you I used to only check my horoscope; now I will find my eyes always wandering to Scorpio. Just to see how your day will go. There was a song I listened to before I could see blue and all that surrounded me was grey; and it was full of the best advice I was ever given and I am now passing some of the advice onto you;_

_Don’t worry about the future or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts; don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone._

_Be good and most importantly do good, Rae, I love you now and I will tomorrow. Once again, thank you for being my girlfriend, an even better friend and to show me that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all._

_Finn xx”_


End file.
